6. SUBJECT: INSECURITIES
In Your Own Words
from: [email protected]
subject: Re:Career Counselling Appointment
sent: February 6, 2017 at 11:18am
Mr. Maguire,
Thank you for calling my office for an appointment. Unfortunately, due to the time of year, my schedule is full.
I have passed on your questions and information to my associate Jared Yi. Jared will give you a call to set up an appointment at his convenience.
I would like to prepare you, seeing as we have spoken before on this matter, for the reality of the situation. Your grades are adequate, but do not guarantee admission to teacher's college at any of the schools for which you've expressed an interest; you have selected very competitive programs.
I recommend planning for the possibility of taking an extra year to finish your undergrad or looking into other programs. Please call me or Jared if you need to discuss anything further.
Best,
Asa Robinson
Career Services Counsellor
. . .
from: [email protected]
subject: Insecurities
sent: February 6, 2017 at 2:17pm
Weston,
Thank you for your last response. Can you write about some of your insecurities?
Cassie
. . .
from: [email protected]
subject: Re:Insecurities
sent: February 6, 2017 at 3:01pm
Cass,
So we're back to bare sentences? Ok. I'll have to write back tomorrow. School is really busy.
Wes
. . .
from: [email protected]
subject: Re:Insecurities
sent: February 7, 2017 at 11:36pm
Dear Cassie,
Sorry I didn't write sooner. Things have been crazy. I don't know if this is the time or place, but maybe writing it all down will help me understand and give you a decent explanation.
I'm not my best self right now, I have to say.
It started with the dance team and cheerleaders' idea to do this fundraiser around Valentine's Day. My guess is that the girls who date some of the players knew that their boyfriends wouldn't come up with anything romantic for the occasion, so they figured they'd take matters into their own hands.
They're doing a fake casino night meets prom, but the money is going to the athletics department. We're all expected to be there and dress up for photos.
With the event (which is being marketed as a Two of Hearts Formal; I know, the name sucks worse than the idea) coming up, a bunch of people are scrambling to find someone to go to this thing with, myself included. But two tickets are almost as much as my rent, so I didn't want to take someone that I don't know, or like.
I mean, I guess we could split it. But I like the idea of taking a girl to a dance rather than just going together. I didn't make it to my prom in high school (I got food poisoning at the dinner) so this was kind of a do over, despite my reluctance.
I thought I might go with Amanda. She's one of Lena's friends who I'd been texting since Lena's birthday. Amanda and I saw each other around, and I was interested in at least getting coffee. So, she and I made plans to meet for dinner earlier tonight, and I was honestly excited. What I knew about Amanda, I liked. She's cute, funny, and Lena always talks about how smart she is, so I was optimistic.
Amanda was cute, funny, and smart... and she seemed to think that I was too. Well that's not true. She definitely didn't think I was smart.
The date started fine. I asked her about a paper she's writing in philosophy, and she started to talk about all these different definitions of life and being and how each philosopher has expanded on the definition of existence, or something like that.
I was trying to listen, I swear, but it all sounded pretty stupid.
"The only thing we know for certain," she said, "is I think, therefore I am."
"Okay," I said slowly, unsure what to contribute.
She giggled. "It means because I can ask the question of whether or not I exist, I have to exist. Otherwise who would be asking the question, right?"
"Sure," I allowed, understanding. "But I'm pretty sure dogs and trees and a lot of other things that exist don't sit around thinking and questioning that existence."
She rolled her eyes. "But we don't know that they exist for certain. A person can only guarantee their own personhood. For example, I don't know for sure that you exist."
"Well, I can put your mind at ease. I'm right here." I waved to prove my point. I wasn't trying to make fun of her, I just wanted to change the conversation.
"Weston, it isn't that simple!" She was actually getting a little angry.
"I know," I backtracked. "I don't really see the point I guess."
She snorted. "Of course you don't. Why would you try to think about something that challenges you?"
That rubbed me the wrong way. "What do you mean?"
Her tone changed back to being friendly. "Life is a lot easier when you choose not to care about things or think about things that really matter." She said it like she was talking to a stupid kid at the end of a cheesy sitcom.
I tried to smile. "You really like this stuff, huh?"
She nodded.
I didn't say it then, but the fact is that I don't give a fuck about philosophy.
Sitting around and wondering about the definition of being alive and the ideas behind personhood just seems like a waste of time. Sure, I could ask and wonder and drive myself crazy with the possibilities, but really what good would that do?
I'm still stuck in this life being me and there isn't anything to be done about that. So why not worry about other stuff? Amanda treated me like I was stupid for not caring about "existence" or whatever, but seriously, what kind of person our age doesn't have better things to worry about?
So, if you know anyone, I still need a date to the fundraiser.
To answer your question, I guess I'm insecure about normal stuff.
I worry about graduating. Most people assume I'll try and go pro with hockey, and I guess that's still a possibility, but my mom is pretty insistent that I figure out something outside of athletics. Even if it's working retail or spending more time in school.
She tells me things like, "we don't know what the future holds, Wes. If something stops you from playing, I don't want you to feel as if you're left with nothing." I asked her what could happen, you know, outside of being injured or killed.
"Weston Alexander Maguire," she said, she was angry. "What a horrible thing to say."
I apologized and repeated the question in a nicer way.
"Anything can happen. You really could be injured, or you know, you could lose interest... there are no guarantees here. We don't even know if you'd get an offer."
And she's right. Maybe I'm not good enough to play after school.
I think I would have to say that is my biggest insecurity. Not just in hockey, but in life. I fear that I'm nothing special. I worry that I'll end up average, or less than average, with nothing to show for myself. I'm scared that when all is said and done, I'll be nothing but a washed-up athlete with no ambition or prospects. But that's why I got this job though, right? I fit a profile that you wanted to match; male, athletic and likeable. Maybe those are my only cards.
I guess you already know that.
I mean, what does all of this say about me? There's you, a person getting ready to publish a book---a proper legacy. And then me, a schmuck who "participates in the tradition of violent, albeit organized, sport."
I'll be nothing more than a joke that you'll get to retell. This whole writing for money thing seemed like a good idea Cass, and you're really smart for coming up with it, but I think maybe this is where I hop off. At least for a little while.
It's been fun, but it's kind of exhausting to give so much of myself to a stranger and not know what she's doing with it.
I mean, I'm writing to someone I don't know about my family, my best friend, my shitty feelings and everything else under the sun, and for all I know, sh/ behind a screen laughing at me.
I'm sorry, Cassie. I know what I agreed to, and I know that you probably don't deserve my frustration, but I have to take a sec and regroup. It's starting to feel pathetic. I can't keep giving pieces of myself away for the rest of the semester like a patient in a mental ward sharing his secrets with the padded cell. I'm sorry, really, and I wish you the best. But this whole thing is just too much right now.
Don't worry about paying me for this email. It was nice of you to give me the opportunity.
Thanks again,
Weston
What are you thinking and feeling so far? I'd love any feedback you have, and I appreciate every vote!
faith xx