Chapter Nineteen

"Who's going to the college fair tonight?"

I'm sitting in my third period English class, waiting patiently for the bell to ring signaling lunchtime. I've been actively participating and enjoying this class until Mrs. Livingston brought up the one topic that no high school junior dared venture into. Life after high school.

I glanced around to see the usual try- hards raising their hands while others stared at her blankly silently wishing they could disappear. I'm one of the latter. I avoid all eye contact as she passes back the flyers notifying us of all the schools coming to torture us tonight. I wasn't planning on attending and made sure not to mention this to any of my parents. I'm in the clear, I thought as the bell rang releasing us. The papers make their way to my desk and I stare expectantly at the paper, waiting for it to disintegrate. I take one and pass it back to an already empty desk. I just leave them there for the next class as a less than pleasant surprise.

This school isn't necessarily college- preparatory. All these kids know what they want even when teachers insist that they could do better. My deal is why does better always mean college. I could travel the world or join the military, maybe even start my own business right out of high school. So many things in this world to do besides another four years of school where a number is stamped on your head as your worth. Numbers like GPA, SAT, and grades determine so much in the world. I think it's a shame that you spend so much of your life working and studying, not enjoying your young life because you're so focused on those numbers.

And I'm stupid just along with them. I may not be all the way together about college. But I put so much effort into those numbers, I'm one of those try-hards who raise their hand for every question. I got 1400 on my SAT's the first try and a 4.5 GPA. Teachers think I'm putting my life to waste because I'm focused on something bigger than college. They think I have the numbers to get into an Ivy and if my parents knew they would say the same thing. That's why I haven't shown my parents a report card since freshman year so they couldn't force me to make a decision that I didn't want to make.

I walked into the cafeteria, seeing hundreds of those flyers crumbled up and strewn across the linoleum floors. I was happy to see Kayden, Destiny, Erika, and Dylan sitting at our table, knowing they wouldn't talk about college.

"Hey gorgeous," Erika exclaims, scooting over to make room for me. Everybody at the table gives me a form of a greeting besides Destiny who is too engrossed in her screen to notice.

I squeeze in between her and Kayden with Destiny across from him and Dylan across from Erika. Rumor is it they went on a date while I was at the baseball game last weekend. Now they can't keep their hands and other body parts off each other so after a week of their nonsense Destiny, Kayden, and I had enough and prohibited them from sitting next to each other.

"What'd I miss?"

I missed the first ten minutes of lunch on facetime with Jace. He was homesick and had been texting me sick pictures all day. I had enough when he sent me a picture of a large teddy bear that Carter sent him for a get well soon gift as a joke. His voice was groggy and his face was redder than usual. In all honesty, he looked terrible with tissues stuffed up his nose and this was the one time that I didn't see him in glasses. He said he was too tired to put them on which I thought was just lazy. All he did was sniffle and complain about being home alone. I hung up after he fell asleep in the middle of my sentence about proper hydration.

"We were just talking about what colleges we wanted to see tonight..." Dylan trailed off and my eyes narrowed. Since when were my friends' good students? "MSU, Howard, Bowie State-" He went on listing all the colleges on the list that I threw away.

"Howard's coming!" Destiny screeched loud enough to alert the attention of the table behind us. "I could ask them about their Medical school!"

Even Destiny is preparing for her future, she's already been volunteering at the children's hospital every Sunday since freshman year. Her phone lay astray next to her half-eaten sandwich now her eyes scanning the list. She may be obsessed with all the things I don't care about, but she knows what she wants. I've heard her say it a million times, be better than her parents.

They all talked excitedly about the prospects that tonight will bring for their impending futures. I stare silently at my unopened can of Pringles on the table, hoping that the conversation won't turn to me.

"What about you Scar?" Kayden asked. I glance up, not having followed the conversation.

"Excuse me?"

"Colleges?" Erika piped up

"Oh, you know the usual..." The group looked at me, worried.

"Have you not been thinking about college?" I shrugged, half-heartedly. "We're juniors, it's the next step!"

"Why is college the next step?" They don't answer. "I'm serious. What if I don't want to decide the rest of my life in a matter of a year?"

"You need to at least start thinking about it,"

"Don't you think I have!" I snapped. I'm sick of their scrutiny and the uncertainty of what happens next. Because I sure as hell don't know. I'm sick of people telling me what to do. What's good or what's bad. Why can't they just leave me the hell alone?

"Girl, it's fine," Erika slowly rests a hand on my shoulder. I yank it off.

"Obviously it's not." I spit out before walking out of the cafeteria.

Nobody makes a move to come after me which I'm silently grateful for as I storm the halls looking for an empty bathroom. I found one outside of my next period French class and bust inside, locking the door. I slide down slowly, trying to calm myself down before the next period starts.

My phone vibrates rapidly in my pocket. I glance at it, thinking it's somebody from the group but instead it's Jace. I answer because he's sick and might be calling for an emergency even though I seriously doubted it. He looks the same as before except his eyes are closed but besides that the same blotchy skin and stuffed up nose.

"What!" I snapped, still not calmed down.

"Who crapped on your Cheerios?"

"Nobody, what is it?" My tone didn't change even though I desperately tried to sound less pissed off.

"I'm sorry for falling asleep earlier," I mutter something along the lines of it's fine. He raises an eyebrow. "What's up with you?" I sighed leaning my head against the door.

"Where do you want to go to college?"

"Georgetown," He states without missing a beat. "What about you?"

I don't answer as tears slide down my face, landing on my crisp uniform shirt that he can't see. They keep coming faster as I silently breakdown in the dirty school bathroom.

"Scarlett!" Jace's worried voice rings through my headphones. "Is it something I said?"

"I don't know." I choke out. "Everybody has this plan and I just... I don't know." The hiccups making it hard to speak.

I don't even know why I mentioned it. Jace doesn't understand. At Elkridge, everybody is college-bound. Headed to private universities and Ivys with scholarships or a parent's credit card. We don't have that here.

"You don't have to know right now Let," His soft voice while congested, still soothing. "You have time."

Yeah, sure.

"What time? I'm a junior there's only one thing left to do and it's college. I don't know about majors or where I want to go or who I want to be."

"You can take a year off and figure it out." I shake my head. "Do you want to go to college?"

"No."

Yes.

"That's okay too."

"I'm so scared," I admit with a whisper.

"Scared for what?"

"Life," I stammer out. "Everything. It's coming so fast and soon we'll be adults and I don't want to work a dead-end job. I don't want to hate my life. Everybody's talking about the future, but I'm just a kid. I still sleep in my parent's room when I get nightmares. I don't know what I want to do with my life and that's scary. I don't know how to live in the world without my parents. That's scary. I don't know how to do taxes or vote or cook-" I take a deep breath before continuing.

"I don't know anything and that scares me. I want to go to college." I whispered the last sentence.

I let my phone drop from my hands and hear it clatter on the floor. I bury my head in my knees, waiting for Jace to say anything. To give me words of wisdom and tell me everything is going to be okay.

"You're right," That's not what I wanted him to say. "You're absolutely right. The future is scary and you're going to fail."

"Thanks for making everything ten times worse," I muttered.

"You're going to fail a million times, but each time will make you stronger. Life will kick your ass but every time it does you're going to get back up and try again. Because you're strong Scarlett. And even though I've only known you for a month I can tell that." I raised my head up as he spoke. If this politics stuff doesn't work out then he should try public speaking a try.

"I think you overestimate me." My tears have subsided and I'm wiping my face.

"I think you underestimate yourself." He counters.

"How do you know all the right things to say?"

"Oh that," He attempted a laugh that turned into a coughing fit. "I read that in a Life Skills textbook last year." I glare at him through the phone. So much for his words of wisdom. "That doesn't make it any less true. And it's okay to not have your whole life planned out right now. Or even in college, there's plenty of schools that'll let you do Individualized Studies and you can make your own degree."

The bell rings and I grab my belongings off the floor. Checking myself in the mirror one last time to make it look like I didn't just have a minor mental breakdown.

"Does that mean you have to go?" I smiled at him, sadly.

"I'll call you after the college fair tonight," I promised

"Tell me how it goes," I nodded at the camera. He attempted a smile but the pain was too much. "And remember, it's okay to be scared."

"Thanks, sicky," I said. "I'll bring you your favorite soup from Panera tomorrow," I added remembering that I was tutoring Jasmine the following day.

"Broccoli Cheddar!" His eyes brightened. "You're a true angel, Let."

"Nicknames still stupid."

"Not stupider than Jacey."

"Want to make a bet?" The warning bell rings. "I have to go!"

"Later," I hang up the phone feeling better than before.

Jace was the first person I told about my doubts regarding life after college. People just assumed I didn't want to go to college and I let them. Encouraged them. But I was just afraid that I would get stuck doing something terrible because I didn't know what I wanted. I still don't know what I want, but individualized study might be something worth exploring.

That night, I spent the evening talking to representatives from colleges that I never even heard of. Many of them had that individualized study that Jace mentioned. My friends didn't mention anything that went down at lunch. We just walked around the dirty gym, trying to find our futures. I still wasn't sold on the whole everybody should go to college, but I at least explored the option. It was comforting to know that out of all of the people I know, that there was one boy laying in bed with tissue stuffed up his nose who was okay with anything I decided.

"What made you change your mind?" Destiny asked. A handful of hot Cheetos in her mouth. The sun was already gone for the night, but she made me go with her to 7-11.

"I don't know." I lied. "You guys were right, I need to start thinking about my future. Sorry that I freaked out at lunch today."

"We shouldn't have pressured you," I nodded slowly. "Where'd you go when you dipped? I was going to run after you, but Dylan said we should give you space." Thank you, Dylan.

"I went to my car, listened to some music, cleared my head," I took a swig of my Arizona Green tea that Destiny bought to make it up to me. "Do you need a ride to the twins' house tomorrow?"

She looked away from me and focused on the sidewalk. I see a faint nod. Destiny's never quiet.

"Des, what is it?" I asked, standing in front of her. She still doesn't meet my eyes. "Did something happen with Jasper?"

"No," She blurts out. "There's nothing wrong. Everything's perfect." She plastered on a smile. The same one she wore when I picked her up in the middle of the night because her mom's screams were too loud.

"I'll kill that son of a bitch!" Anger washing over me. I'm all too prepared to drive over to his house and kick his ass.

"I'm good Scarlett!" Her tone anywhere but calm. "I have it under control." Her eyes pleaded with me to stay calm.

"No, Destiny this isn't okay."

"There's nothing wrong!"

Okay Scarlett, just calm down. This is your best friend. She's strong and confident and would tell you if anything was wrong. I would know if anything bad was happening to her. Wouldn't I?

I didn't get to continue this conversation because my phone starts ringing, breaking us out of our trance. I whip it out faster, prepared to decline the call, but quickly answer it when I see it's my mother. I may have forgotten to tell her about my impromptu trip to the college fair.

"Mother dearest!"

"Scarlett Johnson, if you're not home in the next ten minutes you'll never leave the house again!" She hangs up the phone without hearing my response. Destiny's eyes widened as she mouthed oh shit.

"We have to go..." I dragged her to the car. She laughed her beautifully loud, obnoxious laugh that I loved and hated at the same time. I drove her home and she gave me a swift kiss to the cheek before I ventured home to face the wrath of my mother.

She didn't even let me get into the house before she screamed so loud, my neighbors across the street's annoying dog started barking.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" She screams before I can make it up the front porch. "IT'S NEARLY NINE! I SHOULD BEAT YOUR BLACK ASS!" My mother, a good Christian woman, has no qualms about beating her children's ass.

"Momma," I say calmly.

"DON'T MOMMA ME!"

"I went to the school's college fair." I watched as her anger vanquished and her eyes lit up as she grabbed my hands, pulling me into the house.

"That's amazing sweetie," Brielle walked past us, rolling her eyes. "What schools did you look at?" She continued asking me a million and one questions about the college fair. We sat on the couch in the living room, a gift from her mother, it's old and raggedy, a relic that she was itching to get rid of.

I answered her as best as I could without revealing my doubt. She was satisfied with my answers and sent me off to bed with a swift kiss on the cheek.

"I'm so proud of you." She whispered in my ear before disappearing upstairs.

I trudge up the stairs to my room after eating the leftover chicken breast. After a long, steamy shower, I was ready to collapse when Jace texted me. I completely forgot about the promise. I decided to hold off sleep for a few minutes just to give him an update.

How was it?

Better than I expected

I met with a lot of those schools

with the individual studies thing

Like any of them?

A few

Especially, the out of state ones

Itching to leave?

Aren't you?

I'm not done with this place just yet

I most definitely am

I've been itching to leave since I was old enough to use Google and look up all the different places in the world that I've yet to go. I'm not surprised that Jace isn't itching to leave. He has everything he needs right where he's at. I've lived my whole life, unsatisfied with the life I've been handed. I'm ready to change it.

It's late, but I'll see you tomorrow

I want to show you something

On Saturday

Can you make a guest appearance?

I guess I could give up my Saturday

For you😉

Top secret hiding spot?👀

Something like that.

I'd be honored

Good night

Sweet dreams, Let