Guilt, Regret And A Taste Of Agony

In my room, I seek solace, trying to catch my breath. Vicious Embry had succeeded in tearing me apart as she pleased. I shiver with anticipation, fearing the unknown.

How long does it take? A minute? A second? For my mum to burst through the door. How can I ever gather the courage to show myself to the world?

A knife has pierced my chest, going deeper until I'm bleeding internally.

I had to force myself to rush out of the dining room. With Lilith's hateful glare from across the room and Leigh's audible heavy breathing, the walls seemed to close in on me. Even now, on my bed, I feel suffocated. My frail body can do nothing but produce a flow of tears.

I have become toxic, and by staying here, I will only bring pain and destruction. How soon will the poison I've buried spread throughout my world and bring me down with it?

Hugging my knees to my chest, I allow the pain to engulf me as I deserve. I am to blame. Despite the goodness God has provided, I fell in love with the one person forbidden on this terrestrial planet. Even now, all I want is to find solace in his heavenly embrace. I am a sinner, and I cannot have happiness.

The screeching sound from the door startles me, and wordlessly I wait for my mom's outburst.

"What's that about?" It wasn't my mom; it was the person I fear facing.

"Mmm?" I struggle with my constricted throat.

I hear her hiss before taking a few steps forward. I refuse to look at her, knowing all too well the hatred she's currently directing at me. "You know what I'm talking about, Ava. You better tell me she's wrong," she pleads in her aggrieved tone. And I wish I hadn't come here. I truly am the snake; I'm neither innocent nor naive—I don't deserve this family; they're too good for me.

I'm mute; I have no shield, not even a word to support me. I am defeated, and it's evident to everyone. "Ava?" Lilith's impatient tone fills the room. "Is there something I should know?" She practically yells. I flinch, consumed by guilt.

I find myself trying, but the words continue to fail me. "I... I just..."

She takes a shaky breath, her voice turning cold as she asks, "There's no way, right? There's nothing between you and Leigh, huh? What's on Instagram, is it fake?" Desperation laces her words—the desperate need to believe she's right twists the knife in my chest.

Her hopeful tone sparks sympathy within me, but it's for no one but myself, so I force myself to mumble, "Yes," amid a pool of tears drenching my skin. I should know Lilith well enough by now; I should know the consequences of pushing her too far.

The bed starts to shift and lower as she positions herself closer to me. "Why would Embry do that?" She questions, filled with anger. Nevertheless, I battle my sorrow. "How could she be so cruel? She didn't just hurt you, Ava; she's trying to blackmail my family."

"It doesn't matter; it's Embry anyway."

Lilith snorts and takes a moment for herself before she speaks again. "Hey, look at me." She places her fingers under my chin, forcing our eyes to meet, and I'm greeted by the familiar version of Lilith. "I would never let anyone, whether it's Embry or any other fucker, mess with my family. You are my family... and Embry will regret messing with my little sister and big brother."

In that moment, it means everything. It cleanses my wounds and mends the cuts of the injuries around me, although I know what truly awaits me.

Lilith stays with me throughout the night, or she might have left while I fell asleep. But what I know is that she truly is great company—a good, soon-to-be stepsister and the best friend. She manages to make me smile when I thought I would never experience that again.

But I am a liar, a backstabbing teenager she considers a sister.

***

It's morning, and Lilith and I are in the Range Rover, parked in our usual spot. My heart races, beating a hundred times per second, as I know stepping out of the safety of this car could be the end of me.

Yes, the end of me. It's obvious that the other kids are already pointing at Lilith's car, and I want nothing more than to go back home.

When my mum came to wake me up this morning, I thought faking sickness to escape my reality would work. Luckily, she bought it; she said I had a high temperature and even gave me some medicine that I stashed behind my bed's headboard.

Just when I thought life was being a little kinder, Lilith burst through the door and forced me out of bed. She repeatedly told me how much I would regret being a coward today if I refused to stand up for myself.

Leigh and I haven't texted or seen each other since dinner; he was nowhere to be found, and he didn't try to find me. It's strange, I thought.

"I don't think this is a good idea," I said, nervously watching Harry accompany the three girls to their cars in the school car park.

"Yes, it is. You're coming with me," Lilith replied, her lack of coffee today making her look especially threatening.

As I climb out of the car, she shoots me a commanding glare that reluctantly makes me place my feet out into the world.

I can sense the attention I've drawn to myself, like a magnet. I feel exposed as I struggle with the little strength I have left in each step. There are eyes everywhere, murmurs and hisses. There's laughter, insults, and scowls. I truly wish I could disappear. But Lilith is here; she wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer to her.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" She snaps at the people who inexplicably make my life their concern.

"You don't have to do that," I remind her.

She scoffs and shakes her head. "We'll see." With a smirk, she releases my shoulders, only to grab me by the wrist and pull me into the danger zone.

"Well, well, well... look who's here. Seems like the pretentious Virgin Mary has grown some balls after probably being fucked by her brother. Remind me, was your former school focused on fornication or is it incest?" Embry taps on her Ferrari's side mirror, amused. I've never wanted to die, but right now, it seems like the only option. My throat is dry, and I can barely see clearly through my watery eyes. "And I see someone's still blind. Do I have to break it to the darling?" Embry shifts her attention to Lilith, seemingly unfazed.

With a disrespectful shrug, Lilith smirks sarcastically. "Look, bitch, I'm not here to listen to you blab about your desperation for my brother. I mean, come on, have some dignity. Stalking a guy who we both know doesn't want you isn't something for an expensive—or should I say deceitful—person. Your attack is cheap, darling. Try harder." Lilith emphasizes the last words, and if it weren't for my guilt, I'd be curled up on the floor, laughing at how Lilith's words hit the girl, who now has a red face.

"Bro..." Quinn starts, but Lilith cuts her off with a raised finger.

"Nah... don't start with your lectures here, Quinn. You have more to lose than I do, so shhhhh before I decide to explode." Lilith's fiery eyes fixate on her best friend, and suddenly Quinn takes a step back, avoiding everyone's gaze.

"Lilith, alright, that's..." Harry tries but retreats when my soon-to-be stepsister's gaze falls on him.

"Zip it, Harry. This isn't only your business. If you want to buy into something that could destroy you, then you're welcome to the girls' club." Lilith throws a warning at the confused Harry. Terrified, Quinn whispers something to her boyfriend.

With a sigh, Embry rolls her eyes exhaustedly and begins speaking. "I'm tired of solving your problems, Lilith. What's wrong now? Daddy issues? Is that why you're hiding behind this snitch to feel stronger? You know you can always talk to me, right?" There's scorn in her words.

How could she be so cruel?

"We both know who has daddy issues here. You can pretend to be Miss Perfect, but we know you're terrified and scared, so you try too hard to find a place here in Hills High and maintain control over yourself." Lilith retaliates, her eyes blazing and directed right at her furious friend.

"Shut up..." Embry warns.

"You're afraid your father is a criminal and might end up in jail. We both know he has no educational qualifications, yet he claims to work. Oh, did you say he owns a car company? Yes, because he works with mobsters who steal classic cars and sell them illegally. Let's say my uncle hears about this? Your family is screwed."

"I said shut up." Embry snarls, her breathing filled with rage. This Embry is nothing like the Embry I've seen before.

Smirking, Lilith scrunches her face and continues, "Oh, let's talk about fornication. You said you were 9 when he..."

The abrupt hand that flies toward Lilith's face freezes time, and as the clock resumes ticking, Leigh has Embry under his control, gripping her hand firmly.

I couldn't see his face, but I weakly perceive the scent that melts me into liquid, and his intense breathing is audible to my ears.

"Leigh..." I whisper faintly.

But without a word, he grabs her by the forearm and pulls her into the school. I'm confounded because, just like that, everyone falls silent.

Suri looks sick as she rests her head on Quinn's shoulder, avoiding the seething stare that Lilith is giving.

"Let's get to class," Lilith tells me.

Lost in thoughts of why Leigh took Embry with him, I didn't notice that I've arrived at homeroom. It's helpful, for I don't have to worry about the gazes I've attracted as I make my way to Home Economics class.

"Something fishy is in the air," Lisa Austen dramatically sniffs.

And life resumes...

"It's called hypocrisy," her sidekick suggests with a crooked smile.

"Nah, it's called taboo..." Lisa snickers, and the whole room joins in.

Today, we're defending a project, so it's a multigrade class, and I feel humiliated and ridiculed standing in front of the different faces, becoming the subject of laughter.

At any moment, my knees could give way, for I'm trembling uncontrollably and can't stop the tears welling up in my eyes.

"I doubt it's really taboo. Leigh is too good for her. I believe she's some one-night-stand, money-desperate chick. That's why Arlen Garrett is included," someone remarks.

"Whoa, name your price, babe. I've always had a fantasy of screwing a British lady," another chimes in.

I want to move; I want to scream. Hell, I want to hit someone, but I can't respond. Everything becomes a blur as laughter echoes in my ears, and the earth seems to deny me oxygen, constricting my windpipe.

A warm hand grabs my arm. "Ava, let's get out of here." I think it's Evie. Although I jerk away, I should be grateful to have her by my side, but the pain is too much. The only alternative is to escape this merciless reality. Finally, I find the strength to put one foot in front of the other, and I accelerate away from the world of mockery.

Filled with remorse, I keep up my fast pace until I finally reach the secluded corner of the library, where I sink down and surrender to a torrent of tears.

I let go of the pain and sorrow, allowing myself to feel the twisting knife in my chest. It's all over.

Everything is gone.

I hate this place so much. I just want to go home.

"Ava?"