nine: say my name

"You've been awfully distracted lately," Si-Young remarks.

Clink.

"Really? I didn't notice." Jeong-Soon digs at his empty plate, relishing the metallic scrape of his fork against the scratched ceramic. It sounds like the off-key chafe of his heart, another wretched, tuneless twist in the side of the music box that is his chest.

He tries to block those thoughts out, tries to manifest positivity like Mia always encourages him to, but his mind is a rabbit hole. Think think think, venom spreading through his brain. Word vomit down an endless, poison-slick chute. Was I too much of an asshole to Gregory? Did I ruin his chances of making friends? Would he have made any anyway? He remembers Gregory standing in his music class, hands rolled into fists, scowl permanently etched into his face like footprints in wet cement. Probably not.

Jeong-Soon can't help feeling guilty, though. Even though he knows Gregory had been the one to start it, he also knows that he shouldn't have continued the fight---shouldn't have allowed spite to consume him, just for a brief moment of satisfaction. He should have stepped back, stopped himself from muddying the waters further.

It's too late, though.

"See what I mean?" Si-Young pipes up suddenly. Jeong-Soon jerks, startled, elbow bumping into his still-full water glass. He steadies it just before it tilts, and wonders if he'd be able to keep his feelings for Gregory Gan from spilling over the same way---by catching himself before he falls.

"Sorry." Jeong-Soon's fingers creep into his brown locks, running over his abused scalp nervously. The once-silky strands feel dry---straw-like and paper-thin. They look better than they feel, but he should probably take a break from dying his hair. No more bleaching, he tells himself. Even though he knows he won't listen, it's still worth a try. "I didn't hear what you just said."

"Because I didn't say anything. I was just proving a point." Si-Young twirls tomato linguine around her fork with practiced grace, a self-satisfied smirk curling on her mouth. Jeong-Soon continues scraping sauce from his plate, cheeks burning. He really has been distracted lately, his attention miles away from the things that should be important to him---his sister, his girlfriend, his grades.

He glances at his sister briefly, noting the faded purple hickeys scattered over the side of her throat. He's jealous. Jealous of Si-Young, blazing through partners like air while he pines over a guy he'd kissed two years before. Jeong-Soon considers asking her for advice, then mentally shakes his head. She'd hurt more than help, he reminds himself, because although wonderful at the physical aspect of a relationship, his sister sorely lacks the emotional part.

"How's Mia? I haven't heard anything about her in a while. You used to talk about her all the time. Did you guys break up?" Si-Young asks.

Guilt, heavy and thick and cloying, settles in the bottom of Jeong-Soon's stomach. He searches the stars for the right words to say, but nothing litters the midnight sky except clouds. The staccato beat of his heart fades to silence, and his tongue cuts itself from his mouth.

"We're fine." I'm not sure how I feel about her anymore. "Doing well." There's a high possibility she thinks I'm gay. "She's amazing." I don't know what our relationship is anymore. Jeong-Soon tries to clear his head and think about Mia. Sugar-sweet Mia, with her bubblegum perfume and her pillow-soft curls. Button-cute Mia, with her heavenly smile and her warm doe eyes.

But no matter how much he imagines the sunshine of her grin and the luminescence of her hair, his mind conjures up a different light---one of hellfire and brimstone and burning obsidian.

Clink.

Si-Young gives him a pointed glare. "Stop doing that. I'm flattered you like my cooking that much, but it's annoying."

Jeong-Soon gives his plate one final, screeching scrape, just to annoy his sister a little bit more. When Si-Young's face contorts into a murderous expression Gregory would be proud of, Jeong-Soon laughs. He can't help it. It bubbles out of him, past his lips and into the thinning air. Part of him is relieved that he can still laugh normally. He stands up, pushing his chair back.

His phone screen lights up.

Before Jeong-Soon can react, Si-Young dives for it, snatching it up and swiping right. She wrinkles her nose as Jeong-Soon valiantly tries to steal it back from her steely grasp. "It's from Aimee."

"How do you know?" Jeong-Soon asks, reaching across the table to grab his sister's thumb. He yanks it backwards until she releases his phone, yelping in pain.

"Who else would be named Pink Rockstar in your contacts?" Si-Young shakes her hand out, pressing her injured thumb carefully. "Ow, that hurt."

"You deserved it. Don't steal my phone." Jeong-Soon sits back down and flicks through his messages. There are three, all from the group chat he shares with Mia, Magnus, and Aimee, aptly named Music Hoes 🤙. The all-too-familiar emoji at the end of the group chat's name comforts him a little---it's something that hasn't changed, at least. Something still, something slow, something constant.

The feeling is short-lived. Aimee's messages spike his pulse once more.

Pink Rockstar: @JS✨ @My Absolutely Amazing Girlfriend💙

Pink Rockstar: y'alls are fuckimg lucky you didn't stick around after class 2dae

Pink Rockstar: fucking crazy man i tell you

Jeong-Soon can't resist typing back, curiousity instantly piqued by his friend's cryptic complaint.

what happened?

Pink Rockstar: you know that psycho new guy

Pink Rockstar: he punched magnus in the face

Pink Rockstar: fOR TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITG HUM

Pink Rockstar: *with *him ew typing

And just like that, Jeong-Soon's heart stops---along with the rest of him. He can feel his organs failing out of sheer willpower alone, shutting down one by one. But his brain doesn't switch off, no matter how much Jeong-Soon tries to push it out of his head, no matter how much he tries to get Gregory Gan out of his mind.

My Absolutely Amazing Girlfriend💙: what???

Pink Rockstar: not even kidding dude like he nearly busted magnus' nose

Pink Rockstar: im fucking pissed

My Absolutely Amazing Girlfriend💙: magnus are you ok???

Kurt Cobain: i'm fine dw

Pink Rockstar: he's not fine

Jeong-Soon's head is spinning, because Gregory isn't just trailing carnage through his life, he's wrecking the lives of his friends too. He feels guilty, so horribly guilty, knowing full well they wouldn't be suffering, wouldn't be dealing with Gregory's anger and moodiness if it wasn't for their tangled past---

My Absolutely Amazing Girlfriend💙: @JS✨ babe are you ok? you've been super quiet

---and his phone is on the ground, cracks webbing the screen protector stretched across it, face up, face down, he can't tell anymore. He can hear Si-Young yelling his name, but her voice sounds like it's underwater, nothing more than bubbles in his ears. His chair is pushed far back, too far. His back is pressed flush against the cool tiles of the floor, and the back of his skull throbs dully.

Jeong-Soon hisses in pain, air escaping the gap between his teeth. He pulls himself up into a sitting position, and slowly, the world comes back into focus. Si-Young's blurry face is staring down at him, and one of her hands is locked around his right arm. He blinks. Once, twice. Her features clear.

"I'm fine," Jeong-Soon insists. Eyes shut, ears plugged, tongue slit. He forces a smile onto his face, the movement so perfectly practiced he could do it in his sleep. "Just felt a bit dizzy, that's all. I think I'm just tired."

Si-Young frowns. "You'd better go to sleep early."

"Yeah." Jeong-Soon picks his phone up from the ground. The cracks in his screen protector aren't as bad as they'd looked at first. They mostly inhabit the side of the device, crowding around his phone case in tiny glass specks. He dusts the screen off, wincing at how the glass fragments stick to his skin.

His blood rushes through his veins again, hot and scorching and intent on burning him alive from the inside. Fuelled by the gasoline of his throughts. Drip, drip, drip. An endless, watery minuet.

His smile wavers.

"You have really got to start putting a password on your phone," Si-Young says.

"I know, I know." Jeong-Soon kneads the back of his head. He'll be lucky if he doesn't get a lump; he'd hit the ground pretty hard. A flash of scarlet in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He ignores it.

He should text Mia back. He really should.

٩( ᐛ )و

"If you don't hand in your work by next week, I'm going to have to fail you."

Jeong-Soon squirms under his Maths teacher's piercing gaze. "Ms Eliza, please---I need more time---"

Ms Eliza stares at him over the thin rims of her wire-framed glasses. "The assignments were due last month."

"I work slow," Jeong-Soon tries weakly.

"That's no excuse, Jeong-Soon. Look at Gregory. He's only been here for a few days, and he's already up to date on all his work."

Jeong-Soon winces. Of course he isn't affected, he thinks. But how can I tell her that the reason I haven't been handing up my work is because I've been too busy trying to deal with my feelings for the same boy she's using as an example? He mentally shakes his head. No, that's just an excuse. I'm really just lazy as hell.

"You have..." Ms Eliza rips open her thick record book, one wrinkled finger scanning the lines carefully. "Eight missing assignments."

"I know." A soundless puff of air escapes Jeong-Soon's lips. He feels winded, all the breath knocked out of him at the mere thought of all those missing assignments.

"I'm going to have to call your parents, Jeong-Soon."

Something in Jeong-Soon shuts down, and he realises he's done---done with Maths, done with Ms Eliza, and done with her threatening to call the parents that aren't around to be called anymore. The rabbit hole of his mind caves into itself. A cannonball---tripping, falling, sinking down a million miles. His breath evens out in his chest, and his lungs crack, begging for mercy until he finally pushes himself off the table he's been leaning on. Head spinning, heart gone.

"Go ahead," Jeong-Soon says. It's the rudest thing he's ever said to a teacher.

Then he turns and runs out of the classroom, sneakers pounding on the floor, jacket flapping in the breeze. He can't feel his hands anymore, and his face has gone numb. But it feels like a burden off his shoulders, and although something in the back of his brain tells him that he'd never even dared to act like that before Gregory Gan had stormed back into his pitch-perfect life, he doesn't care.

It feels good to not overthink things for once.

That's until the inevitable crash hits him like a truck, and he suddenly can't breathe, because this time, the collision is physical.

Jeong-Soon catches a flash of red in the corner of his eye as he stumbles to the side, hand bouncing off the balcony railing---when did I get here?---as he tries to regain his balance. He knows it's impossible, against the odds; school finished half an hour ago, and what are the chances---

"What the fuck," Jeong-Soon hears, and his heart speeds up. Boom, boom, boom, pulse thrumming against his ribs with unrelentless force. Prima volta. Seconda volta. The strangled sob of his throat as it screams for air, lacrimoso in its shell of skin, blood, and bone. The dizzying, heady noises of his own breathless pants.

No...

"Motherfucker," Gregory Gan spits as he picks himself up from the ground, dusting off his red jacket. Then his gaze shifts, and Jeong-Soon clutches the railing so hard that his knuckles turn white. He notices the way Gregory's obsidian eyes widen, then narrow again.

"Um. Hi?" Jeong-Soon mumbles. His feet are steady again, but his knees feel like they're about to crumble any moment. He swallows, hard. "You punched Magnus."

"The blonde guy? Do you think I give a shit?" Gregory responds. He's back on his feet again, staring up at Jeong-Soon with hatred boiling in his impossibly dark eyes. "He was being annoying as fuck."

"He was just trying to be friendly!" Jeong-Soon argues. Something surges through him---something hot and unfamiliar and so terribly unwanted. Can't he at least pretend to regret it? He bites back a retort, still clinging on to the balcony railing even though he doesn't need the support anymore.

"Friendly? Why would anyone try to be friendly to me?" Gregory spits. "He just felt bad, and like all you nauseatingly good people, he wanted to clear his conscience. It's not that deep." Gregory's face is bright red, and Jeong-Soon can feel the anger radiating off him in waves.

Jeong-Soon shuts his eyes for a moment, not wanting to look at the boy in front of him. What would Magnus feel bad about, though? A memory floats back to him: Gregory stomping into music class, Magnus opening his mouth, the embers of a question floating out---

"Yeah, I'm the dumbass with the Instagram nudes thing. Take a picture, it'll last longer."

Jeong-Soon's eyes snap open. He hadn't considered it earlier; it hadn't even sunk in properly. Not when Gregory had first blurted it out, jaw clenched tight and hands balled into fists. Not when Jeong-Soon and Mia had been too busy trying to shield each other from Gregory's wrath. Not when he'd been still reeling from the utter shock of seeing Gregory there, solid and real and so unlike the mirage of his mind.

The unfamiliarity of anger seeps out of his body, and the comfort of sympathy leaks in. He knows that Gregory doesn't need compassion---probably doesn't want it, anyway---but he can't stop his heart from filling up with pity as he lets his gaze roam, taking in the body protruding through the threadbare scarlet jacket---thin skin wrapped over nothing but bone. It makes Jeong-Soon wonder, wonder about the stranger before him, wonder what happened to Gregory Gan to turn him from the bolt of passion and emotion he'd been to an emaciated shell of nothing but hatred and rage.

"Gregory," Jeong-Soon says. He expects the word to feel strange, unfamiliar, but the melody of it spreads over his tongue like lemon sherbet on a hot day. He hasn't said it in two years, but its tune is wildly intimate. Flowing and passionate and almost desperate. Beethoven drips from his lips, and every note bears the cadence of Gregory's name.

Gregory's eyes are twin flames, his gaunt face twisting into something macabre as his mouth curls in a scowl. "I don't need your pity," he growls. Jeong-Soon moves back a little, sweat beading on his forehead when he realises how Gregory can still read him like an open book---one thing that hasn't changed.

He should stay away. He should run.

But he doesn't. Jeong-Soon finds himself gripping the railing even more tightly, trying to stop himself from reaching out. "Gregory," he tries again. His skin feels clammy, his throat dry. "What happened?"

Gregory recoils, pulling away, his mouth pressed shut---

And then wires explode from Jeong-Soon's backpack.

fun fact: i wrote this chapter with Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata in mind.

another fun fact: i can actually play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

another another fun fact: despite Moonlight Sonata being a Grade 8 piece, i learned it in Grade 6. why? because my piano teacher tricked me and told me it was a Grade 6 piece, and then made me learn it. i struggled so much but eventually learned it and managed to play it quite decently. fast forward like two years, my piano teacher mentions that i can actually use Moonlight Sonata for my Grade 8 exam because it's a Grade 8 piece. i'm like "???i learned it in Grade 6 because you told me it was a Grade 6 piece??? and i suffered so much???" he's like "wHOOPS WELL AT LEAST YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY A GRADE 8 PIECE IN GRADE 6 :DDD"

sometimes i hate this man. (i'm joking. he's an amazhang teacher.)

(loooonggg author's note today, sorry!)

heyo, my precious smol beans! sorry this is so late, and that i haven't been reading you guys' stories lately. i've been battling off a major case of burnout, and i went on hiatus for about two weeks because i just couldn't do anything. while i'm feeling much better now, i did pick up a few unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as binge-eating and a nasty porn habit) and i'm hoping to ease out of those soon. i haven't been crying much, though, so at least that's progress 🤷‍♂️

i promise that i will DEFINITELY catch up on you guys' books soon! i've been screenshotting my reading notifs so they don't disappear, and although it may take me a while (since i'll have to binge-read, and i still have school to deal with), i haven't forgotten about your books and I Will Read Them. eventually. (please give me time and please don't abandon my books in retaliation aaaaa i'm so sorryyy)

however, my writing quality will probably go downhill for a bit, because i'm really struggling to push out chapters, since my perfectionism is...pretty crazy rn, and nothing really seems good enough to me. like, right now, i'm looking at this chapter and thinking it's crap, but i've rewritten it like three times and i just cannot physically edit anymore. i feel like i've entirely lost the magic i created in the first few chapters, but what can you do :/

prima volta - first time

seconda volta - second time

lacrimoso - sad, tearful

the parallels are BACK, baby *finger guns* anygays, quick challenge for today! there is ONE MOVIE REFERENCE hidden in this chapter. it's a very well-known movie, and it's related to music! let's see if y'alls can find it :P

so anyway i failed english! awesome sauce! okay so i didn't really FAIL english as a whole since i got like tied for the highest mark in class, but i did really really bad for my essay assignment lmao more proof that i suck at writing 🤠 and one of my friends wrote an essay so good i legit considered giving up on writing altogether cause i could NEVER write anything that amazhang BUUUT idt it matters, like frick man i wanna finish this book sO IM GONNA FINISH IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I SUCK AT IT

and my school got several Covid cases, which means we have to close for a while. our country's Covid numbers are also pretty high and all the other countries have publicly banned us from travelling to them :,) so i'll probably be online until about June, which means i'll have more time to write. also, because i've decided to put MDD on hold until TSP is finished, i'll be focusing entirely on TSP until further notice. therefore, expect weekly updates. unless i go on hiatus.

neol saranghae~

xoxo, Alex