Neighbors With Benefits: Chapter 53

“It’s been two weeks since Aiden got home,” Cat complained, “and you still haven’t hooked up with all of them at the same time?”

We were sitting on my new rocking chairs on my front porch, enjoying a pitcher of homemade margaritas together as the sun set. Tonight was one of the few times where I didn’t have a date or hangout with one of my neighbor boys, and I was grateful to finally catch up with my best friend.

“We haven’t had the opportunity,” I reminded her. “Aiden came home, and then Dante went out of town two days later.”

Cat rolled her eyes. “Sorry, it’s difficult to keep track of the schedules of all three of your fuckboys.”

“I finally had a threesome with Aiden and Bash, though! Twice, actually.”

“Threesomes are boring now,” Cat said. “Unless you’ve finally worked up the courage to… you know…”

“We haven’t done that,” I said, feeling too modest to say the phrase double penetration out loud. “It has never been the right time. But it will happen eventually.”

“Things sound like they’re going great,” Cat said, casually leaning back in her chair. “So why are you freaking out?”

“I’m not freaking out.”

She sipped her margarita and stared across the rim at me.

“Why would I be freaking out?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

I finally sighed and gave in. “Okay, I’m freaking out.”

“Yes, I know. What I don’t understand is why.”

“Things are good with all three of them,” I explained. “It’s too good.”

“How can something be too good? It’s not like you can overdose on them. They’re not meth.”

“Aiden and Bash are falling in love with me. And I think I’m beginning to fall for them.”

“And this is a problem?” she asked, incredulous.

“Yes! Because the more serious things become, the worse it will blow up!”

“Why can’t you just enjoy something without worrying about the future?” Cat asked.

I leaned toward her intently. “Because I can’t fall in love with multiple men!”

“Why not?”

“Logistically, it would never work. I like them different amounts. I’m more in love with Aiden than Bash, and my relationship with Dante is closer to a friends-with-benefits situation. It’s confusing.”

“Okay…”

“And what’s our endgame?” I demanded. “With a normal relationship, I know how it progresses. Every step is clear. We say I love you. We move in together, to make sure we’re really compatible. We get engaged, then get married, and eventually have kids. But with three lovers? I don’t know what I’m doing or what to expect! Would we all move in together eventually? What about marriage? I can’t marry all three of them, Cat, at least not in America. And children are a major issue. I only want one child, maybe two. Assuming all three of them want the same thing—which is a big assumption—how would it happen? Let them all come inside me at the same time and see whose baby pops out nine months later?”

“Keep your voice down,” Cat said. “They might hear you.”

“The guys aren’t home right now. It’s fine. And I’ve never had you try to get me to quiet down.”

“I’ve never been the calm one before,” Cat said. “I don’t like it. I prefer being the loud, obnoxious one.”

“Having three lovers is great and all, but we didn’t think about the drawbacks,” I continued. “Finding one person you’re compatible with is practically impossible in this world. Finding three of them at the same time defies all odds. There are three times as many chances for incompatibilities to pop up. What if I have a fundamental disagreement with one of them? What if Bash doesn’t want children, but Aiden does? Do I break up with one of them and continue with the other two? Would that destroy their friendship?” I groaned. “I can’t believe I allowed myself to catch feelings.”

“I brought that up the last time we had lunch, but you kind of brushed it off,” Cat said.

“I know, but I’m freaking out about it now. Let’s say we all agree on everything. Kids, a family, spending the rest of our lives together. How would that work?”

“I don’t know,” Cat answered. “Maybe it can work however you want it to work.”

“We wouldn’t be able to hide it. People would talk. If we hired a babysitter, she would figure it out.”

“Yeah…”

“Parent-teacher conferences,” I said. “PTA meetings. Baseball games. All the other parents would gossip about us.”

“Your imaginary children play baseball?” Cat asked.

“We would be laughed at! Polyamory isn’t mainstream, Cat. Nobody would invite us to neighborhood parties. We would struggle to make friends. And those parents probably wouldn’t let their kids play with ours because of it. We would be pariahs! I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, but Cat, these aren’t small things. This kind of unusual relationship would affect every aspect of our life. And I just don’t think I can live like that.”

Cat slowly drank the rest of her margarita and rocked back and forth in the chair. Her silence shocked me. Usually she had a lot to say, and wasn’t afraid to immediately blurt it out.

She was doing something far more terrifying: she was thinking.

Finally, she let out a long sigh. “Jasper, I think you’re right.”

I blinked. “Huh?”

“I think you might want to strongly consider breaking things off with all three of them.”

“Seriously? You’re agreeing with me? The one time I want you to change my mind, you’re agreeing?”

She reached out and took my hand. “You’re my best friend, Jazz. I tease you, and push you to try new experiences, but I’m not going to mess around when it’s serious. And this is serious. You’ve made a lot of good points about the future. If you’re afraid of how people might treat you, then you should seriously reconsider the whole thing. Because if you spend your life being embarrassed by your partners, and afraid to be yourself, it will poison every aspect of your relationship.” She squeezed my hand. “It was that way with my first girlfriend. She was afraid of being out whenever we were in public. Eventually, it destroyed us.”

“Ugh. I was hoping you would talk me out of it.”

“I know. I do think you should milk it a little longer. Enjoy it for what it is, maybe try one or two new things in the bedroom while you have the means. But ultimately, you’re right. The longer you wait, the bigger it will all blow up. It might destroy any chance of having a normal friendship with them after… and it might damage their friendship with each other, too.”

“Damnit.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, refilling our margaritas. “Just when things were getting good.”

Things remained relatively normal for the next week. Aiden, Bash, and I had our regular game nights together. On Tuesday I hooked up with both of them after Candyland, but I spent Thursday alone with Aiden. Bash was fine with it because he had me all to himself on Saturday. Then Aiden and I spent all day Sunday baking cookies together. We created a little game where we put the cookies in the oven, ran into the bedroom, and tried to get each other off before the timer dinged.

By the fourth batch of cookies, we were both sweaty, sore, and starving.

We offered to Facetime Dante during one of our sessions, but he insisted he was good. “I’m not jealous, but if I watch you have sex, I’ll be tempted to quit my job and hop on the first plane home,” he explained. “I can wait until I get home.”

I decided that Dante would handle a breakup fine. He knew what this was from the start. But I was terrified about how Aiden and Bash would take it.

Soon, I stopped thinking of a breakup as an if and started thinking of it as a when. An inevitability as certain as the heat death of the universe.

I tried to pretend like everything was normal, but the guys began noticing my behavior. Every time they asked if I was okay, I told them it was just work stress.

But I couldn’t lie to them forever.

On Tuesday, we decided to play Pickleball on game night. All three of us were decked out in our silly neon workout clothes; Aiden looked the most ridiculous in pink shorts and a pink headband, but somehow he owned the look and strutted around the Pickleball court like a preening bird.

It took my mind off my worries for a while.

Until they started talking about the future.

“We should join more tournaments,” Bash said. “We need to defend our crown here next week, but there are a bunch of other leagues around town we could join.”

“The Pickleball courts over by Wawa have a year-long league,” Aiden said. “There’s one that’s strictly mixed-doubles. One man and one woman.”

“A year long?” I asked.

“Don’t worry—the courts are heated,” Bash said.

“Oh, okay,” I said, although that’s not what I was worried about.

They were already planning out the next year with me.

A level of commitment that should have excited and reassured me, but had the opposite effect thanks to my concerns.

We started another game, but my head wasn’t in it. I kept making unforced errors, and had to chase down several bad shots that rolled onto the other courts.

“You all right?” Aiden asked.

“I’m fine,” I said.

Aiden wrapped an arm around me and kissed my hair. “It’s okay. We all have bad nights.”

“Not me!” Bash exclaimed, jogging over to us from the other side. “I always bring my A-game.”

“That’s not even remotely true,” Aiden said.

“Sometimes my A-game sucks,” Bash admitted. “But I always bring it. Should we mix the teams up a bit? I don’t mind playing by myself some more. Unless Jazz wants to take us on.”

“Two on one,” Aiden said, raising an eyebrow.

Bash winked at me. “She definitely likes it that way.”

His joke did make me smile, but then he wrapped his arm around me and gave me a quick kiss. It was the smallest amount of public affection, not unusual by itself. But Aiden had just kissed me moments before.

I glanced at the group playing on the next court. Two of the women quickly looked away. Had they been watching? Did they hear their joke, and see them taking turns touching and kissing me?

We can never be public with this kind of relationship.

Shame flooded into my body, turning my stomach into a knot. I had nothing to be ashamed about, but it’s not like I could help the way I felt. It was involuntary.

And I knew it would go away. Especially as one of the women whispered something to the other, and then they both glanced in our direction and giggled.

They know.

“Actually… I’m not feeling great,” I said. “I think I’m going to call it a night.”

“No worries,” Bash said, resting a hand on my back. “We can close out early.”

“No! You two keep playing. You have the court for the rest of the hour.”

“But if you’re feeling bad…” Aiden said, concern pinching his handsome face. “We should walk you home.”

“I’m fine,” I snapped more forcefully than I intended. That only heightened my embarrassment. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

I grabbed my phone from the fence bin and practically fled from the Pickleball courts. I thought that getting away from them would calm me down, but my heart still felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest. It felt like I was having a panic attack.

I had waited too long. A breakup was going to suck. There was no way we could all go back to being just friendly neighbors. Not now.

If things ended, it would probably destroy everything.

But that wasn’t necessarily true. It would destroy everything I had with my neighbors, but there was their friendship with each other that was still intact.

If I broke up with them now, before things moved further along, there was a chance they would all stay friends.

As I walked home from the Pickleball courts, that realization is what pushed me over the edge. No matter how much it would hurt, I had to do it soon.

Maybe even tonight.

I had been so absorbed with my thoughts that I wasn’t really looking where I was going; my feet knew the way home, and that was fine. But I suddenly looked up from the pavement and saw a man standing in front of me.

I didn’t recognize him; he was a total stranger wearing baggy clothes with camo print, like a hunter. His hood was up, and I couldn’t see his face. He was reaching into the mailbox, and froze when he saw me. He seemed just as surprised as I was.

That’s when I realized what house I was standing in front of. The one with the faded fence and warning signs surrounding the property. Unmowed grass and blinds that were always drawn.

I looked at the man with his hand in the mailbox and felt my heart skip a beat. Voldemort!

“Sorry,” I stammered, taking a step back. “I was just… I didn’t mean to…”

Panicking, I turned and tried to run away.

And ran straight into a street lamp.