{51}✔️

Dahlia's POV

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I must've done something wrong. That's the problem, I'm always doing shit wrong and that's why I can never have anything nice. My first girlfriend and I've fucked it up and I don't even know how. I don't know what I did or what I didn't do—or maybe I didn't, like, do or not do anything, maybe it's just me as a person. Maybe I'm just not enough no matter what I do or don't do.

"No, she isn't you...She isn't you and she never could be." That's what Billie had said. Damn, that really hurts to think about. I guess it's not exactly my fault though, right? It's no one's fault it's just that...Billie really likes Luna and I guess nobody would be able to replace her.

"That's what you're not understanding, dude, she isn't gonna replace you! I don't want her to." She'd said it herself. I'm not gonna be able to replace Luna and she doesn't want me to. And I don't want to try to. I'm not supposed to be someone's replacement, I'm just supposed to be me and that's supposed to be enough. Billie's supposed to like me for me and she doesn't and that's fine.

"I'm not fucking cheating on you, what do you even mean?!" Now that...I wish I could get to just be a bit heartbroken. Maybe I could handle just feeling sad because Billie likes me, but now I have to deal with feeling guilty too. Billie's cheating on someone with me and even though I had no idea about it, I'm still so fucking guilty and mad at myself. If someone cheated on me I don't know what I'd do—Well, actually, apparently I have been cheated on.

"Yeah, I agree, okay? I think what we had was special while we had it, but it's over now. She's not exactly replacing you because—no listen—" Was what we had actually special? Did we even really have anything? I thought we did. I thought we went well together. We have the same sense of humor, the same tastes in a lot of shit, we're both really similar but really different...I thought we went well together. I thought we were having a good time together—Just Friday we were having a great time at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Everything seemed to be going well then. Billie's attention was fully on me and she even tried so hard to avoid Luna. It didn't feel like I was sharing her, but I guess I was. Maybe she was only trying to avoid being around Luna because she didn't want me to find out? What if Bea showing up with Luna was planned? So that they could see each other and it wouldn't be suspicious. It's far fetched but I don't know, I guess it's possible. Billie cheating on me seemed far fetched too, but...

"So, she's an ex?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

When I asked that, Billie didn't specifically say yes. Maybe I should've known then.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I really do miss you too. I do. You were my first everything and I really loved you...No I don't care about her anymore. That's over and done with now and I've moved on. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I was stupid to think I could be with—Yeah the whole thing was stupid."

'I don't care about her anymore.' Did she ever? 'That's over and done with now and I've moved on.' All fucking ready. 'I was stupid to think I could be with her.' Fucking ditto.

Who even knows what was said after all that. I'd walked away long before the conversation was finished and I'm sure if I'd stayed I would've heard things even more hurtful. I can't even begin to imagine what all was said after I stopped listening. I don't want to.

I just wanna know why she hasn't broken up with me yet. That was Friday and now it's Wednesday and yeah, I've been avoiding the shit out of her at all costs since I found out about her other girl, but she's been texting me nonstop still and none of those texts was one about breaking up. She's still acting like she wants to be with me, actually, and I don't get it. She said she didn't even wanna think about us anymore. She said she missed Luna. She said she was stupid to think she could be with me. Why is she still pretending? There's no reason.

I don't wanna be the one to end shit, I want her to, but I don't think she will. I don't have any idea why. Maybe she doesn't wanna hurt me, maybe she's bad with breakups, maybe Luna and her wanna make sure they can work things out so they can be together properly before she breaks things off with me, but I'm not gonna sit and wait for that. I feel stupid enough as it is. I just need to rip the bandaid off.

She's coming to my house after school today and I'm gonna tell her that it's over. At least I can stop obsessing over the whole thing after I do. I can just relax and go back to the way things were before she came along.

Fuck, I hate how much I hate the thought of that.

This is fucking ridiculous though. I don't fucking need her. It's not like she raised me or some shit, I'll live and thrive without her. Fuck.

"She's wearing her 'I'm depressed' clothes, though, Cade."

"Nah, dude, I'm telling you she just dresses like that. She always wears all black."

"I know she dresses like that sometimes, but this outfit is different. I can't explain it, it's just...it's different in an unexplainable way, okay? And she's been wearing brighter clothes a lot more lately."

"Maybe she just wanted to go back to black for a bit? You're stressing over nothing."

"This is my best friend, you asshole, don't tell me—"

"She was technically my best friend before yours, but go off."

"Bitch—"

"I'm right here guys." I mumbled. Admittedly, I'd just tuned into their conversation and who even knows how long they'd been talking about me for, but still. Damn.

"Sorry," Cadence shrugged. "We're just trying to figure out what's going on with you. You've completely shut down. You haven't said much of anything to anyone this week, you're wearing funeral clothes—"

"This has always been my style."

"Yes, but it's different." She huffed. "I think somethings up with you and I want you to tell me what."

"There's nothing wrong with me. I've just been binge watching game of thrones and it's been a rough couple of days." I lied.

"Fucking liar. I bet you don't know shit about the red wedding." Caden narrowed his eyes.

"Haven't gotten there yet."

"What season is it in?" He questioned. I thought for a moment. "Ugh...sev—fou—two?" Maybe I should've used a show I've actually watched and know something about as an excuse.

"Dahlia, we're worried about you."

"Don't be." I sighed before standing up. Lunch isn't over for another fifteen minutes, but It's not like I was eating anyway. "I've gotta go up to the library. See you guys later." I smiled.

***

I actually did go up to the library and I'm actually shocked at how nice it is up here. Nobody ever seems to visit the library unless we're going as a whole class because we have to work on a project or something, but we've got chrome books in our classrooms so we don't even really come up here for that anymore. The library is on the third floor, practically the only room on the third floor. The nurse's office and the counselor's offices are up here as well, along with a 'silent room' which is just a brightly decorated room with lots of bean bag chairs and stress balls and shit. It's supposed to be somewhere we can go if we get too stressed out at school, but nobody ever really goes in there because the counselors have to unlock it in order for us to get in and if we have to go in there they make us talk to them about our problems the next day.

Other than that, though, there's nothing up here except a bathroom. Nobody comes to this floor all that much, and that's a shame because it's so nice up here. It's pretty chill.

The library is pretty big and really neat, again, because not many people come in here.

The librarian is probably at lunch herself because she isn't in here, but I'm kinda happy about that. I needed this little bit of alone time.

I used to love reading and it was pretty much all I did all day every day, but I eventually stopped for whatever reason. I figure nows a great time to pick back up.

I picked out about five books and then roamed around the back of the library, trying to find somewhere to hide them so if somebody does happen to come in here, they won't get them. I'll check them out whenever I get the chance.

"Put them in the hole in the wall behind the 'reading is milk for your brain muscle' poster."

I jumped, let out a loud scream, and dropped the books on the ground as I spun around to see who had snuck up behind me. I put a hand over my heart and bent over, trying to catch my breath as I stared at the guy in front of me.

He's got brown curly hair, tan skin, and hazel eyes. I feel like I recognize him from somewhere, but I don't know where.

He laughed as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and then put his own books down and began picking up mine. "Sorry, Dahlia. Didn't mean to scare you."

"You know my—How do you know my name?" I questioned sharply. He held his hands up in defense briefly before picking up the other few books I'd dropped. "We used to date. Ninth grade, I was the dude with dyed blonde hair, braces, and I was obsessed with Michael Jackson. I'm Hudson."

My mouth formed an 'O' shape as I remembered him. We 'dated' for like three months. We only saw each other at school and we only had one class together. We didn't even switch numbers with one another. Yikes.

"I do remember you. How have you been?" I asked politely. He shrugged. "Good. I'm still obsessed with Michael Jackson." He laughed. "You?"

"I'm gay now," I shrugged. I just felt the need to mention it. "I mean, I was back then too, obviously—"

"Me too." He grinned. "I'm sorry, by the way. I was cheating on you with Brandon Larson the whole time."

"Brandon Larson the fucking quarterback?" I whisper yelled. Brandon Larson had been the most popular guy in school back then. He moved away in tenth grade, though.

"That's the one."

"Well, I can't say I blame you!" I laughed. "No hard feelings..." I drifted off, frowning as I realized he wasn't the only one who'd cheated on me.

"Are you okay?" He tilted his head. "I only come up here when I'm not okay."

"I'm okay," I shrugged. "What's wrong with you, though?"

"Boyfriend troubles." He sighed. "I want my gay boyfriend to stop acting homophobic all the damn time in front of people who know I'm gay. He doesn't want to...The whole situation is trash."

"Yikes." I cringed.

"Yikes indeed."

"I'll hide these now." I changed the subject as I grabbed the books from his hands and walked toward the poster he was talking about. "Aren't you in drama club too?" I asked after a moment.

"Is drama club even a thing anymore?" He rolled his eyes. "We haven't had one meeting for it this year."

He's right about that. We haven't had any meetings for adventure club either, but those don't usually start up until second semester anyway.

"I'm kinda relieved. Drama club is always a mess. I don't know why I keep joining." I sighed.

"I always join just cause I hope to be able to land a part where I have to kiss Jonathan V." He smirks. I nod. I feel that. Jonathan V. is a cutie.

"You wanna know what I heard about him?" I grin, taking a seat at a nearby table. He nods quickly and does the same.

***

I was actually forty minutes late to fifth period because Hudson and I got caught up in our gossip. He's really easy to talk to, and I enjoyed his company. We'd switched numbers and promised to make plans to hang out soon before I finally headed to fifth period. Lucky for me, we had a sub in there and I told her I was coming back from the office. The rest of the day went by quickly. Way too quickly for my liking, actually.

I was at home in what seemed like just a few minutes, pacing back and forth in my room as I waited for Billie to come. I'd texted her and told her to come over as soon as she could and she told me she'd be over in fifteen minutes. That was a few minutes ago.

My heart feels like it's about to pound out of my chest. I've never had to break up with someone I legitimately liked before. I don't think Billie will care all that much anyway because she's got Luna, but I'm still scared.

This whole thing fucking sucks.

I took deep breaths as I closed my eyes and went over the speech that I'd planned out, trying to perfect it. I tried to think of everything she might say in response to it too.

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't hear my bedroom door open, and I didn't know Billie was in here until she put a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and screamed for the second time today, and I briefly thought about the fact that I'm so easily scared it's ridiculous.

"Are you okay?" She asked skeptically. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Everything I'd planned to say flew right out of my head the second I stared into her eyes.

"I..." I drifted off. I always freeze the fuck up, why am I like this? God damn it I hate myself.

"Baby?"

"I know about her, Billie," I mumbled. "I know that you want to be with her instead of me and that's okay. I'm not mad. You don't have to keep pretending, I get it. You want her so you need to be with her. You shouldn't have cheated on her with me and I—"

"Whoa, Whoa—What are you talking about?" She asked quickly.

"Luna." I rolled my eyes. "I heard some of your conversation with her."

Her face fell as she let out a small sigh and looked toward the ground. "That's why you've been ignoring me? You heard?" I just nodded. "Dahlia, listen it's not what you think. I'm so sorry, baby, but I promise—"

"You're not sorry." I narrowed my eyes. "And why should you be? I guess sometimes you just can't help who you want—"

"I want you!" She interrupted. "She wants me back, she wants to give us another chance, but that's not what I want. I swear to god Dahlia, I'm over her and I've been trying to make her see that and—"

"It didn't sound like you were over her."

"You didn't hear everything. I know it must've sounded bad, but I swear if you just listen to me it'll all make sense. Let me explain, okay?"

She pleaded with her eyes and I gave in after a moment, sitting down on my bed and gesturing for her to do the same.

"Luna and I used to be kind of a thing." She started.