{80}✔️

A/N: This is a pretty dark chapter. Trigger warning: Mentions of molestation, rape, drugs, and suicidal thoughts.

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Kai's POV

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"I was just done with everything. It was too much. I've never once in my life been happy, honestly. Never had the chance. My mom and dad were never around while I was growing up, and when they were they were fighting or doing drugs. My brother and I had to stay with our uncle all the time, he was the only one willing to take care of us, and that was for all the wrong reasons." I sighed.

"Five years. He...He molested me for five years. From the time I was seven until I was eleven. I didn't tell anyone at first. I was scared, I didn't understand what was going on, and he made me think that he'd kill my parents if I told them. You know, that cliche bullshit all molesters seem to do. Then when I was eleven I finally told my parents about it. They were too busy dealing with their own shit to care about mine, I guess. They just told me to stop letting him do it. To be a big girl and learn to handle my shit." I shook my head as I thought back on it.

"They sent me to my grandparents' house instead since I refused to be with my uncle anymore. It was great at first. My grandma was the nicest woman on earth. She baked cookies every Saturday morning, she made the best pancakes, she always made my favorite foods. She spoiled me and my brother rotten whenever he was around. She bought us a new toy every other weekend, read us bedtime stories, did all that shit. She was adorable and so sweet. She never seemed to be in a bad mood. She was perfect." I wiped away a stray tear quickly.

"My grandad was a cold man. I never could figure out how they found each other. I never knew why they loved each other. They were polar opposites. She was the sweetest lady I'd ever met and he was just this quiet, cold little man who never said anything positive if he spoke at all. But they seemed to love each other. He didn't treat me like I was his grandchild, he treated me like I was a stranger staying in his house for a while. A guest of my grandma's."

"I stayed with them until I was fourteen. My grandma died when I was thirteen and I thought my grandpa would kick me out or something. I'd spent three years there and I don't think we'd had a real conversation the whole time. We'd probably spoken for a total of two hours within those three years. I just figured that when she died, with him having to deal with that and all, he'd make me leave. But he didn't."

"He insisted that I stay with him. Almost as soon as she died he started acting more friendly. It's like he changed personalities completely. Just like that, he was acting like an actual grandpa, doing all the things she used to do for me and more. It was so fucking weird for me, and I was happy that he was being nice, but it was really awkward. I didn't know how to deal with it. I figured he was just trying to feel closer to her by acting like she used to or something. I figured it was all apart of the grieving process for him."

"After about three months, he started being weird. He started coming into my room at night and asking to sleep in there with me. He told me he had nightmares like he was a child. He told me sleeping alone made him sad too. He didn't even ask to sleep in bed with me. The first night he slept out in the fucking hallway. Then he slept on the floor beside my bed for a couple of weeks, and it was weird, but I felt sorry for him and it was his house so I couldn't exactly tell him no."

"We got closer and closer as the weeks went by. I was finally starting to actually warm up to him and he treated me better than anyone in my life ever had, other than grandma. I started to trust him...Then he started asking to sleep in my bed with me. Because he was old and his back was starting to hurt, is what he said. But I had a really small bed and I told him I didn't think we'd both fit, and then he suggested we sleep in his bedroom because he and grandma had a king-sized bed. I told him I would for a while, just until he felt like he could sleep in there alone."

"It was fine for a few weeks, and then he started cuddling me 'in his sleep' and then he started touching me and then...Then he just flat out told me one day. 'If you're gonna sleep in your grandma's bed, you're gonna have to do your grandma's job.' And then...You know." I mumbled.

"I just let him do whatever he wanted. I figured I could take it since I'd dealt with that before with my uncle, and I didn't wanna go back with him so I needed to stay with grandpa. Grandpa wasn't as rough as my uncle, and it was just...I'd rather deal with him than with my uncle."

"The only reason I ended up leaving my grandpa's house is because my mom started to get clean. She wanted to take care of me and my brother herself, even though my dad still didn't want anything to do with us, and she insisted that I move back in with her. So, I did. I've been living with my parents since then."

"I thought things would get better when I started living with them. My dad never touched me the wrong way, didn't even bother speaking to me the first few years I was with them. He wanted me to stay out of his way. We only just started having a relationship about a year ago. He's alright when he's not doing drugs, I guess. My brother never touched me either, and I don't even think he knew what was going on. My mom tried really hard to be a good mom at first. She was still struggling to get clean and she started stripping because she couldn't get a real job, then she started sleeping around with people for money. She tried to hide all that from us, though, and she tried to be there for us."

"She had her ups and downs but she's a lot better now. She still sleeps around for money, but she doesn't do any drugs anymore. My dad doesn't either. My home life started to get better, but everything else still sucked. I was getting picked on at school for a while, I was constantly thinking about everything that'd happened to me, always scared my uncle or my grandad would just randomly pop up and take me away. I was having nightmares, I had the worst anxiety of my life, I was always having panic attacks. I started to feel attracted to girls and my whole life I'd been raised to think that that was the biggest sin anyone could ever commit. I hated myself for it. I'd had to have who knows how many fucking abortions because of my uncle and granddad and I felt guilty because I knew my family would be pissed if they knew. They're against abortions, of fucking course. It was all that and so much more and I just...I've been miserable since I was five years old."

"I just started thinking about how I could take control of my life and fix things. I started thinking about running away from home, but that would've been too difficult. I started thinking about telling someone, like child protective services or something, but I was too scared. I just couldn't figure out how to finally take control, and then one day it occurred to me that maybe the best way to take control of my life would be to end it."

"Nobody would be able to stop me from doing that but me. Nobody could hurt me if I was dead, either, and that sounded amazing to me. I just wanted everything to stop, and death is how I thought I'd make that happen. I wrote this note, not really for my family, but for the police. I figured they'd probably call the police if I ended up dead, and this way they'd know for sure that I did it. After I wrote it, I was gonna kill myself, but then my mom came in and told me that we were going on a trip to Mexico. I thought she was lying, or high, or something, but she wasn't. We won some stupid sweepstakes or something." I laughed a little.

"She told me to pack my shit as soon as I could and she wouldn't leave my room until I started packing, and then the next thing you know, about a week later I'm in Mexico, feasting on the best food I've ever had in my life and listening to mariachi bands until 4 am and flirting with hot Mexican girls and having the best time of my life. I thought it was magic. I thought I was dreaming or something. We spent two weeks there and it was the best two weeks ever. My happiest memory. My only happy memory, up to that point."

"When we were heading back home I thought to myself 'fun's over, and now I'm gonna do what I planned to do a few weeks ago' but when I got home, I just couldn't. I just kept thinking about how weird and out of the blue and amazing that experience was. It was so unexpected and nobody could've predicted it! One second I was gonna take my own life, the next second I'm packing for a vacation in Mexico. That's how life is. Every single second is different and you never know what's gonna happen. I couldn't commit suicide after that. I just kept thinking 'what if I do this right now and two seconds after I do it my mom comes in here with news that we won another trip?' Or what if I do it and then a minute later something happens that would've made me the happiest girl in the world? Every moment is different, and life is so unpredictable. I just had to stick around to see what would happen next. I couldn't risk dying before something amazing happened."

"I know this is weird and maybe a little sad, but this note...It's a suicide note to everyone else, but to me, it's just a reminder that things get better and life takes some crazy ass twists and turns. Crazy ass twists and turns that I wanna stick around long enough to see. I look at this note a lot. Especially when I'm happy or sad. I like to look at it and remind myself of how far I've come from the girl who wrote this note, and I always think to myself, every single minute, 'If I had done what I said I was gonna do in this note, I wouldn't be experiencing this right now.'  It just...Helps me enjoy life more, I guess."

"It hasn't been as bad lately as it was back when I was a kid. Things have been a little better. It's still hard though. Everything this past school year...It's been difficult. But I feel better every single day. I feel stronger. I'm just glad that I still get to be here, experiencing all this. I'm glad I'm not six feet under right now. I'm just...Thankful."

I didn't look up from the note after I finished talking. I didn't want to see Billie's face. I know she hates me, and I don't know how she'll react to any of this. I don't think I should've told her about this, not that I had much of a choice. She might go back and tell everyone, but for some reason, I kinda feel like I can trust her.

I sighed softly as I folded and unfolded the paper over and over again, wiping a few tears away every once in a while.

I didn't really expect Billie to say or do anything. I figured she'd just walk out after hearing all that, especially since she didn't say anything for a few minutes, but after a while, I felt her moving closer to me. I looked up quickly, not sure what to expect.

She leaned over and hugged me. My eyes widened as she pushed my head into the crook of her neck and began rocking us from side to side.

"I'm really sorry, Kai. I'm sorry all that happened to you. I'm sorry I've been making you fucking miserable all year. If I'd known you'd gone through that—"

"Don't do that shit!" I pulled away from her quickly. "I don't want your sympathy or anything. I don't want you to think of me differently. I don't want any of that! Everything's in the past and I'll get over it eventually. I'm moving on. It's all good. Just...Don't start that shit." I shook my head.

She pulled me back into her and sighed. "Okay, fine. You won't get any sympathy from me, but you will get an apology. I'm sorry for cutting you, beating your ass, threatening you constantly, and holding a grudge. What you did was really bad, but I think I might've taken things a little too far..."

I hesitated for a moment before wrapping my arms around her. "I know you're just apologizing because I told you about all of this, and I don't want any sympathy, but...I think I'll allow it just this one time. It's better to have your sympathy than to have you constantly trying to beat me up."

"Atta girl." She laughed.

"Billie, I'm sorry again for everything I did to Dahlia. It wasn't right and I knew better. I honestly deserved you beating me up."

"Yeah," She agreed, smirking as she pulled away from me. "I just...I took things too far because I just care about her so much." Her voice cracked as she looked down and began to play with the rings on her fingers.

"I know you do, Billie, and she knows it too. It's all gonna be okay. You guys really love each other, and that means you'll come back from this. It's just one fight."

"Maybe," She sighed before wiping her eyes and changing the subject back. "Yeah, but it's okay, I guess. Dahlia forgave you long ago for it and I guess we've gotta be even by now. Especially since you're about to be homeless because of me..." She frowned.

"No, that's what I wanted to talk to you about! I've been looking for a place to stay, like permanently, and I think I've found one. Two kids from our school are looking for a roommate. They've got a three bedroom house and it's really nice...I'm gonna have like an 'interview' with them this weekend and if everything goes well, I'll be out of here way before the end of February!" I grinned.

"That's really good!" Billie smiled. "Ugh, do you know how much you'll have to pay every month?"

"$325 is my contribution for rent. It'll be tough, but I'm gonna get a job ASAP and in the meantime..." I smirked as I stood up and walked over to one of my bags. I pulled out a few large wads of cash and laughed as Billie's eyes widened. "I stole my mom's stash." I told her.

"Dude—" she chuckled, shaking her head. "That's good, Kai! I can still give you some money though. You know, help you out a little—"

"No," I shook my head quickly. "I have enough and I wanna do this on my own...With my mom's money." I smiled. "Thanks, though."

"Yeah."

"Billie...Do you think we can just forget about everything that happened and be friends? I mean, I know we won't be best friends, but—"

"But I can stop threatening your life every time I see you, you can stop being scared of me, and we can talk like civil human beings when we see each other." She laughed. "I'd like that. And hey, you don't have to rush out of here, you know? You can take your time moving out. Make sure you're not moving in with any serial killers."

"They can't be any worse than you." I shrugged.