{85}✔️
Don't Hug Me I'm Scared {Billie Eilish}
A/N: my story is eligible for the wattys and I'm so shook and overwhelmed. That's never happened before and I'm going insaneee. ð¤
*************
Dahlia's POV
*************
"So, for this project, we'll be exploring married life! Last project, you guys got to plan the wedding, now you're actually married!" Mrs. East handed out the grading rubrics, checklist and instructions for the new project as she spoke.
"What the hell happened to the honeymoon? We skipped right over that and everybody knows that's the best part!" Jacob Wesley's annoying ass voice boomed from the back of the room.
"Yeah, I mean, that's why people get married in the first place!" Caden piped up.
"Yeah, that and because somebody's pregnant." Kai nodded.
"Well, I guess it's just 'fuck love' to all of y'all, huh?" Cadence snickered.
"We don't have time for a honeymoon, and most of you don't seem like you'd be able to afford it anyway." Mrs. East smirked. Billie raised her hand and Mrs. East rolled her eyes. "With a few exceptions, of course."
"I'd want a honeymoon in Cabo," Billie mumbled. "Or somewhere in Mexico. Or Spain!"
"Cabo is inâ" I cut myself off, not even bothering to correct her.
"In this project, we'll be exploring all kinds of marital issues! Careers, bills, children, scandals." She emphasized the last word, grinning like a Cheshire Cat as she looked around the class. "Is your spouse cheating on you? Do you need couples therapy? Find out when you spin the wheel of misfortune!" She pointed at the large wheel on her desk which seemed to be filled with marital issues that we'd be assigned.
"So, each couple will get six marital issues to work through. You have to tell me how you'd deal with them, simple as that. You guys will be married for a month. This project will end on March 15th, and we all know the drill by now. It needs to be on my desk on time or you'll be getting a zero! You're gonna be doing a lot of typing. You guys are gonna be pissed at this, but you need to write a thirty-page reportâ"
"I know you fucking lying!"
"Oh no, baby, what is you doing?"
"Now, see, you doing some real clownery right now."
"Nah, Nah, nah, that's not gonna work."
"WHO gotta do a thirty-page report?!"
"No ma'am, no ham, no turkey. That's incorrect. That's a incorrect statement."
"Thirty pages, ta loco thirty pages!"
"Double spaced and size 48 font, RIGHT?!"
The class erupted into chaos for a good five minutes before she could calm it down and get control again. What did she expect? Who the hell assigns a thirty-page report? That's unheard of.
"I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, with the amount of stuff you'll be covering it'll be easy to type up thirty pages! It's not like you have to do it all at once either! This is why you have a whole month! Now listen, some of you can't afford a bad grade on this since you decided to try me and not turn your last project in on time." She glared at some students before continuing. "Complain all you want, but make sure you do it on your own time and make sure those thirty pages are on my desk on March 15th!"
The rest of class was spent with us fussing about the thirty pages and spinning the wheel to see which marital issues we'd have to deal with and whether or not we'd be assigned to have a kid. Everyone was hoping they wouldn't be because if we were, that meant we'd have to take care of one of those evil ass babies for an entire month. You know, the dolls that never shut the fuck up? I used to always want a project that required me to care for one of those babies, but then Denver came home with one and that changed my mind for sure.
I wish we just had to take care of an egg or a potato sack or something instead of a doll.
I prayed and prayed that Billie and I wouldn't have to deal with caring for a kid, but guess what?
"Oh my gosh, you two landed on twins! Looks like you'll be taking care of two babies! This is really rare!" Mrs. East clapped excitedly as the wheel landed on 'twins' and Billie and I sent each other looks. "Would you two like a boy and girl, two girls, or two boys?" She asked us.
"We'd like a redo." Billie grumbled.
"No can do."
"I'm scared of babies!" Billie shouted. "They're a bunch of little weirdo freeloaders who just cry and eat and shit and then repeat! And they're just these tiny little useless things that have no way of communicating with anyone, so everyone trusts them enough to talk about all kinds of shit around them, but should we be doing that? It's like a fly on the wall type of situation. They probably understand us perfectly well! They just don't say shit!"
"...Right. You two may have to deal with Child Protective Services during this project as well. Boys or girls or both?" Mrs. East eyed Billie, clearly sketched out.
"A boy and a girl, I guess." Billie sighed, glancing over at Caden and Cadence. "They don't get into fist fights much."
"You haven't known them long enough." I chuckled. Caden slapped the shit out of Cadence's forehead a few seconds later, proving my point. She kneed him in the nuts and then took a swing at him, but he tripped her and she flew into a table.
Mrs. East handed us the babies. I cradled the girl and Billie dangled the boy, grabbing him by his arm and holding it with two fingers.
"Now, you two will have to see each other frequently. This is a twin set and they're programmed to cry if they don't get to be near each other enough. I know you guys probably won't be able to see each other every day, but the maximum they can go without crying up a storm because they're not around each other is three days." Mrs. East explained.
I don't mind that.
"How often do they dookie?" Billie questioned.
I tried to hold in my laughter as Mrs. East looked shocked at Billie's blunt choice of words.
"Ugh...As often as they're programmed to? I don't know."
"Do you know if they dookie a lot?" She asked again.
"Can you stop using that word?" Mrs. East mumbled.
"Can you stop avoiding the question?"
"Take your seats, ladies."
Billie held a hand up in defense as we both walked away from her desk and sat back down in our seats.
Our six marital issues are:
1. Family/Friends
2. Money problems
3. Infidelity
4. Household responsibilities
5. Children
6. Habits.
We're given a few questions and scenarios that deal with these problems, we've gotta talk through them and figure out how we'd handle them, I guess.
"Stop doing that," I sighed as Billie held the baby boy by his ankle, upside down. "If he was turned on yet, he'd be crying right now."
"But he hasn't been turned on yet, so he's not." She smirked as she shook him around, wincing as she dropped him on the floor. Right on the forehead.
Jesus, this is going to be a long project.
***
"Shut the fuck up, oh my god!" Billie groaned as she shook the little boy in her hands. Billie, for the first time ever, was sitting with us at lunch today. There's a lot that needs to be done for this project and we wanna go ahead and get started on it. Although, to be honest, we're not getting much of anything done.
"Billie, shaking him won't make him stop crying!" I gently took him out of her arms and cradled him in my own. Caden was holding the little girl for me while I did. I rocked the baby back and forth as I looked at Billie."You've gotta learn how to take care of these little shits, otherwise, you're gonna be miserable whenever you're at your house with no help. It's kinda easy to get them to stop crying. Just don't dangle them upside down, or shove them in your bag, or sit on them, for starters." I narrowed my eyes at her and she merely shrugged. "Just treat them how you'd treat a regular baby."
"I am!" She huffed. I sent her a look. I really hope that's not true. "First see if they're hungry, then if they've already been fed you have to see if they need to be burped or if they need a diaper change. Sometimes they just wanna be held, sometimes they're cranky because they're sleepy, and sometimes they just cry to cry."
"I don't know why you're telling me this. I'm just gonna leave it in my car so I don't have to deal with it."
"Billie, you have to treat it like you'd treat an actual baby! Is that how you'd treat an actual baby?" I sighed as I patted the baby's back and bounced it up and down, hoping to calm its screaming down.
"If they sound like that, maybe!"
"Child Protective Services has definitely entered the chat," Caden chuckled before gasping. "Hey, get out of my chili!"
He pulled the baby girl away from his food and I sighed after seeing half her face was covered in chili because he hadn't been paying attention.
"You could've drowned my child in chili juice." I stated blankly. He just shrugged and licked her face. I cringed. I'm glad he didn't get assigned a baby to take care of. Cadence wasn't so lucky, though.
"I've been nice to you, but this is ridiculous. Shut the fuck up, Samantha." Cadence threw her baby down on the table and my mouth flew open as she did. Is everyone I know insane?!
"That reminds me. We need to name them." I told Billie.
"Drake and Josh." She shrugged.
"It's a girl and a boy."
"Drake and Julissa."
"Try again." I rolled my eyes.
"RuPaul and Sally Walker?"
"No, Billie."
"The rock andâ"
"No."
"Al Capone and Aileen? Bonnie and Clyde?"
I rubbed a hand down my face and looked at the twins for help. Cadence shrugged. "Capone is actually a cute name. You could name the girl Petrillo. You know, like Sophia Petrillo from the golden girls?"
"Yeah, Alright." I sighed. Billie clapped in excitement.
I shoved three carrots into my mouth before using both my hands to try to calm down the still screaming baby in my arms. I'm not actually that bothered by it. I mean, sure, it's annoying, but I'm kinda tuning it out.
"Jesus, fuck!" Hudson groaned as he took Petrillo away from Caden and began to pat her back. "They've got great lungs, huh?"
"If Denver's baby is anything like this, I'm never coming over to your house again!" Caden grumbled. My eyes widened and I slapped his arm before looking at Billie.
"Baby?!" She whisper yelled. "Denny's having a baby?!"
"Yeah." I gritted out, glaring at Caden.
"Wow, that's insane...Why didn't you tell me?"
"Oh...umâ"
"I know we broke up, but you can still trust me. I mean, I wouldn't have told anyone." She mumbled sadly.
"N-No, I know. I know, I was just trying to keep it on the down low, you know? It's really not my place to be telling people, I just told the twins because they're my best friends!" I said. "Not like you're not one of my best friends!" I added quickly.
She nodded but stayed silent.
I sighed as I distracted myself with trying to calm the babies down. There's not really much we can do for them right now because Mrs. East hasn't even given us all the supplies we're gonna use to care for them yet. We don't have bottles, diapers, or anything else. She's calling us back to her room at the end of the day to give us all that shit.
After about five more minutes, though, we got them to be quiet. We all groaned, relieved that it was finally silent again.
"Um, soâ" I stared at Billie across the table and sent her a small smile, which she didn't return. "I think I'm busy today, but do you wanna come over tomorrow after school to work on this? Or I could come to your house?"
"I'll come to yours." She finally cracked a smile. I nodded.
"Okay, cool!"