fifth may

It's May and I broke up with Ben.

I'd been avoiding him after the little Holt incident. He kept trying to contact me, and I kept ignoring his call until today.

I was postponing the inevitable.

So, today we met at his place and I broke up with him. It's ridiculous. I was the one pushing him to be in a relationship with me, yet I decided to end it.

He says he was kind of expecting it. I feel bad, but kind of relieved at the same time.

"You want to know why you kept trying to make this work?" he tells me, "even though we both knew it wasn't going anywhere? Because our relationship was never going to surpass the one you have with Holt. There was never a chance that you would have loved me more than Holt. You could have broken up with me with that knowledge, and look for someone you could actually love more than Holt, but you never would have actually wanted that. You've never really wanted to find someone to love other than Holt. And you knew you could string things along with me because I also had my own issues."

"That's not true."

"Of course it is." He's right, but I won't give him the satisfaction of agreeing to this. "Look, if you don't cut Holt out of your life you'll never be able to be in a relationship."

Really? If that's true than I'll stay single forever. It doesn't matter. I don't need to date anyone. Not if it means losing Holt. If the price to have a boyfriend is losing Holt, I'll never pay it.

I'll trade my fucking soul to keep Holt in my life.

I always knew what the problem was with Ben. I wanted Ben to fill a void he never could. I wanted him to be something he wasn't, someone he could never be. I was trying to replace Holt with Ben and that wasn't fair to Ben.

The truth I need to accept is that no one is ever going to be Holt, and I'll never be with Holt, so with that logic, I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

It's okay. I'll manage. I think I'm over this whole relationship thing. Anyway, what I had with Ben could barely be called a relationship. I was done with Ben before we even started to date for real.

I don't need a relationship. I'll get myself a bunch of cats, because there are rules to follow when you become an old spinster, even if I haaaaaaate cats.

When I get home I see Holt's shoes in the entry. I actually haven't seen him since that night. He hasn't been home. I wonder who's the flooze he stayed at. I'm also worried. We haven't cleared the air yet. We need to.

Holt is sitting at the counter in our kitchen with his hands locked together on it, and he looks super serious and I'm worried, but I know what's going to happen before he even opens his mouth.

"Eliah, we need to talk," he says and he sounds a little scared.

I know what he's going to say. He's going to say I need to move out. I mean it's my apartment so he should be moving out, but anyway, I know what this is.

I've brought this on myself.

So, I beat him to the punch. "I can move out."

He frowns a little. Nice of him to play dumb. "What?"

"It's fine, I get it, I'll move out," I tell him, nodding. Let's not cry, I've done enough crying lately. "Unless you already found a place. Anyway, it's fine, I understand."

"That's not..." he's still frowning, "that's not what we need to talk about..."

Now I'm the one a little confused. "Huh?"

He's fidgeting. "Can you... can you please sit down?"

"Holt, what's going on? Did you clog the toilet?"

He's scratching the back of his head, he can't look in my eyes. "Just okay... this is kind of... okay, well first, I wanted to apologize about the other day, about yelling at you and insulting you, I didn't mean any of it, and I'm so sorry about it."

"I'm sorry too," I automatically answer. I shouldn't have been this angry at him because he doesn't love me. It's not his fault.

"And I also want you to know that you're my best friend and whatever happens, I don't want that to change."

What's he getting at? Is he trying to invite me to his wedding to Bimbo-Number-Five? "Holt...?"

"Huh... Eliah..." Finally he looks in my eyes.

"Yes?"

"I like you."

"I like you too," I reply immediately. I don't understand what's going on here.

"No I mean... I like you, like you."

My mind goes completely blank. I think I have a mild heart attack.

"I'm not sure when it started exactly, I'm not sure how it happened. I've been staying at your sister's place for the last week or so and we've been talking a lot and well... I've realize that a lot of weird things I've been doing, and the way I've been thinking and acting around you is because I like you."

I think I'm hearing things wrong. I think sometime's wrong with my head. I know something is wrong with my ears. Holt can't be saying what he's saying right now. It's impossible. I'm having an out of body experience.

Part of me wants to tell him to get lost. It seriously took him this long to figure things out? Fuck him.

Another part of me though, a much more vocal part of me is thinking that I can't let him out of my sight, I can't let him rethink about this and question it and realize that it was just some kind of misplaced jealousy and that he's not actually attracted to me.

I'm so desperate for Holt that I'll take whatever I can have, even if it turns out that I'm not really what he wants.

But mostly I'm thinking WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL??? When did that happen? Why didn't I get the fucking memo for that one?

I'm thinking all of this while Holt is saying, "How do you want me to go about this now? Like I'm sorry I sprung all of this on you like that. Also, I'm sorry if I'm making it sound like now that I've told you I like you, you suddenly need to like me or do anything about it. I'm not saying this because I want you to like me back. It's not because you like boys that you necessarily need to like me. I might not be your type. No, I'm definitely not your type, after living for so long together, I couldn't be. And you have a boyfriend, I really don't know what I'm saying... I just wanted to say it because I need to be honest with you, and I wanted you to understand why I was so hurtful to you the other day. It was so uncalled for and shit, sorry are you crying?"

God damn it. Didn't I think like just seconds ago that I had done enough crying?

"Oh god, Eliah, forget all about it, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to make you sad forget I said anything, let's just stay friends."

He's talking and I'm not listening to him, I just get up and I walk up to him and he gets up too because I think he's worried but I don't care and I just basically tackle him with a hug, his back hitting the fridge because he's surprise by the gesture and he didn't have time to lock into place.

"Five years, five fucking years that it took you to figure this out?" I mumble, my face buried in his neck. Good god, I can't believe I'm doing this, and he's not pushing me away and I have my arms around him.

How did I ever think that being with Ben was a good idea? That being with anyone could ever be okay when it felt like this, just hugging Holt?

"Wha... what's going on?" Holt asks, confused.

"Are you seriously telling me that you had no idea that I've been in love with you since the moment I laid my eyes on you?"

"What?"

"You were at Eloise talking about your feelings and she never mentioned the very obvious fact that I've been going crazy because I'm in love with you?" I say, articulating each word very carefully.

Damn sister. A heads up would have been nice.

"No, no she did not mention that fact..."

I lift my face from his neck and look in his eyes. "Holt, for the last five years I've only ever cared about you. I broke up with Ben. And if you like me, good god am I yours to have."

"Really?"

"Really."

And then he lifts a shaking hand to my cheek and there's so many emotions going through his eyes and I see his Adam's apple moving from swallowing and his eyes resting on my lips and I see the desire and curiosity and fear behind them.

I don't move. I love him. I love him, but I've always knew I loved him. So things are not going to go at my pace, otherwise I'd be ravaging him right now. Things are going to go at his pace.

I'm actually still waiting for him to tell me he changed his mind.

Slowly, slowly, his head moves towards mine and I close my eyes and then there definitely is a god and he's sooooo gay because Holt presses his lips against mine.

It's a simple chaste kiss. It's a peck really, like dipping your toes in the water to see if it's too cold. But I feel it in my entire body. It feels like my head is in a cloud, that I'm on a different planet right now, that this is a dream.

I open my eyes.

Holt is breathing quickly and he's still looking at my lips and now he looks in my eyes, and his are so vulnerable, like he's just told me his biggest weakness and he's waiting for me to stab him in the back with it.

I close my eyes again and move, just a breath closer, just faintly, to let him know that it's okay.

Holt presses his lips against mine again. And this time, he takes his time.

He's kissing me. I'm kissing Holt. I can't believe it. This is impossible. I'm crying, I'm fucking crying and moving my lips against his, and I'm trying not to move too fast, not to be too eager because I don't want to scare him, while Holt's hand goes to the back of my neck, keeping me in place, like he's scared I might run away. It's more like the other way around, really.

I've dreamed about kissing Holt so many times, but it was never like this, I never imagined anything real like this.

Holt moves his lips a little bit more urgently against mine, his mouth opening a little more and I'm feeling just the softest, shyest flick of his tongue against my lips.

He'll be the death of me.

I hug him harder against me, still pushing him against the fridge. I thought about making out with him against the fridge so many times. I can't believe this is happening.

My hands go to his hair, keeping his face close to mine. We're both gasping for air and our lips are moving more frantically. His are nipping at mine while he presses his whole body against me.

He's wearing his nice thin sport pants. I can feel him twitching against my hip. I wanna start singing halleluiah. And then he just rubs himself a little on me and he's lets out a small moan in my mouth and Jesus Christ I've got myself a moaner, I'm in so much trouble, and the second I think this, Holt sort of jumps out of my arms.

He's suddenly shaking, he looks scared and ashamed.

"I'm so sorry," he says.

I'm frowning. What the...? "Why?" Has he already figured out he doesn't want this?

"About... well about..." he has a hard time finding his words, so I'm thinking he wasn't ready for what he just did.

"Your semi-hard against my hip?" I ask. If we're going to do this, Holt is going to need to start using his words and getting comfortable around these subjects.

"Well... yeah."

I give him a little smile. "Holt, I know how a penis works, you don't have to apologize." I'm actually pretty darn ecstatic that I turned him on this fast.

"I just don't know..."

"If this is what you really want?" I finish for him.

"No, I just... I never had sex with a guy before."

I chuckle. "You don't say."

He's biting his lip. I was kissing that lip just a few seconds ago. "And I'm really not sure I'll know what I'm doing."

"That's okay," I tell him reassuringly.

"And I don't think I want to do butt stuff."

I'm smiling, I can't help it, he's just too adorable. "You don't have to."

"But isn't there some kind of rules. Like maybe you're the kind that does it on top so I have to let you do the butt stuff. And we can only do it from behind and I won't be looking in your eyes." Oh sweet summer child. He really has no clue. "I don't want it to be all rough and just dry and rough."

I want to hug him again, because this is all new to him, he just knows what everyone assumes a relationship between two men entails, he's got no clue what he's actually getting himself into, but he's doing it because he likes me. He likes me enough to jump into the unknown. No one's ever done anything like this for me. If I wasn't already madly in love with him, I'd love him more.

"It's preferences, not rules and we'll do whatever you're comfortable with. Neither of us has to do any butt stuff. And we can look in each other's eyes. But we also don't have to do anything right now. Just because you told me you liked me doesn't mean we have to do anything more. Actually it would be better if we didn't."

If I'm being a hundred percent honest, my head is kind of spinning and as much as I want Holt, I'm not going to think about having sex with him, not right now.

"I don't want you to think I'm a coward or something," he admits.

"Holt, you hottie, we won't do anything more. Honestly I'd be content just looking at you." The blue balls would really be painful but I'm sure I could manage. I have been doing it for the past almost five years. "And I really don't want you to do anything you don't want or aren't ready to do."

"It's just... I don't know what I'm doing," he repeats very softly.

"You've mentioned."

"And I still like boobs."

I chuckle again. "Great, I love boobs too."

"Really?" The way he says it, it's like I've told him his dog is not actually dead.

"Sure, they're all bouncy."

"I just..."

"You don't know what you're doing?" I finish for him.

He stares at his feet. "Yeah..."

"It's okay, because frankly, I don't know what I'm doing either," I admit.

"Well, just then, you were kissing me against the fridge."

"I was."

"You think you might... want to do that again?"

He doesn't have to ask me twice.