sixth december

It's December and Holt went out for a Christmas party with some of the people he's worked with.

He invited me, but I told him he should go and have a good time with his friends without me. We don't have to do everything together. I want him to have fun on his own.

I'm fast asleep when I'm woken up by the door of our room opening and I can hear Holt bumping into things and giggling.

He's drunk.

"Eliaaaaaaaaah," he whispers, but like loud whispering. "Are you uuuuuuup?"

"No," I mumble against my pillow, holding it tightly against my face. I'm smiling in it, because my boyfriend is adorable. But he'll be damned if he thinks I'm waking up.

And then the bed gives under Holt's weight and he lies down next to me. "Hey." I can hear the goofy grin in his voice. He nudges me. "Wake up."

"Nope."

"Come on."

He's gotten under the covers and he wraps his arms around me, holding me against him, his chest against my back. He smells good. He took a shower before coming into bed. He brushed his teeth too so his breath doesn't smell like stale beer. He's warm and the skin of his arms against mine is so soft. He's pressing himself against me and he's kissing the back of my neck and yeah, I'm not sleeping anymore.

"Did you have fun?" I ask.

He giggles again. "Yes."

I turn a little to look at him. "Well, I'm up now, so tell me all about it."

He runs his knuckles against my clavicle and he's just looking at his movement and not in my eyes. "They kept asking me when I was going to have a girlfriend and who I thought was hot, and I'd been drinking so I said the only person I wanted to make out with was you."

I sit up a little. "Wait, you did what?"

"I said I wanted to make out with you," he repeats.

"To people?"

"Yes."

I press a hand to his cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," he shrugs a little, "Because I really want to make out with you."

I swallow loudly. "You can."

"I've been thinking about you naked a lot." Oh Jesus. "Like, a lot. I mean, I've seen you naked once, and I just think about it. All. The Time."

"I think about you naked all the time too," I admit. I never had the pleasure of actually seeing naked yet. It's kept me up at night quite a few times.

And just like that Holt kisses me. He gets on top of me and pins me down on the bed. He moves his hips against mine and his lips are frantic and his hand goes to pull down my jogging and boxer briefs.

"Wait, wait, wait," I say, grabbing his wandering hand.

Holt presses his forehead against my shoulder. "Whyyyyyyy?" he whines.

I chuckle, and rub a hand on his back. God, what a back, it's all muscles and indentation and freckles and moles. "Because you're drunk and there's no way in hell anything is happening while you're drunk."

He sighs, and lifts his head to look in my eyes. "I really really want you."

My hand leaves his back and runs through his hair. He's got a curly fringe on his forehead. Usually it's pushed back during the day, but he's just taken a shower so it falls on his forehead now. He's too adorable for his own good. "I really really want you too. And I'll really really want you tomorrow too. You might want me a little less. So how about you sleep on it?"

"Nope."

Instantly, he crushes his lips against mine, his tongue brushing them. He rubs himself on me and I can feel him hard against myself. He kisses me deeply, his hand slipping underneath me, keeping me firmly in place against him.

Part of me thinks, what's the harm? Obviously he wants this. We've been dating for months, and god do I want this too.

But I know I won't be able to look in Holt's eyes tomorrow morning if I don't stop him.

So, I throw a leg around him and flip us around, and now I'm on top and I grab both of his hand and pin them on his sides and I'm over him and Holt is looking up at me with excitement and want breathing heavily...

Seriously? Why the hell am I doing this? Uuuuugh.

"Behave Smooches. We're not doing anything until you sober up and if you can't control your naughty hands I'll go sleep on the couch," I tell him.

"Noooo, don't go," he whines.

I chuckle. "I won't, as long as you behave."

He sighs and I can see his shoulders dropping a little. And then he plants a quick peck on my lips and says, "fine, I'll behave."

It's a good thing he does, because I don't think I would be able to stop him again.

I fall back asleep with an uncomfortable boner.

It's still kinda there the next morning. I'm sleeping on my stomach and one of my arms is thrown over Holt's chest and he's running his fingers on it.

"Good morning," he says softly, when he sees me opening my eyes.

I smile at him. "Good morning."

"I've sobered up now," he announces.

"And you've realized the error of your naughty ways," I say teasingly.

"No, I'm actually extremely horny and I've been waiting for you to wake up for the last hour."

I sit up and stop breathing. "Holt..."

"There's... there's something I'd like to try."

"Whatever you want to do Smooches, it's a hard yes from me."

"The first part of your tutorial was about blowjobs... I figured I should start there," he says a little shyly.

I think he means for me to give him one, and I'm absolutely up for that, but he surprises me by sitting on top of me and taking my shirt off. Before I can say anything he starts kissing me deeply, his hand curling around my hips, sliding inside my pants and going on one of my butt cheeks, while he slowly starts to push my pants down.

As my pants go down, his lips do too, trailing open mouthed kisses on my chest. I run a hand through his hair as he does and I don't keep my eyes off of him, and my pants are down so I kick them off.

I'm naked in front of him and I'm hard and I'm a little scared to be honest, scared that he'll realize he doesn't want this, he doesn't want a man.

He's just looking at me, and not doing anything and, "Holt?"

I can feel his warm breath on my skin. "Tell me if I'm doing it wrong."

"I will." Like anything he could do to me could be wrong.

He's worried that he might not know what he's doing, but the truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing either. I don't think I've ever made love, at least the sex I've had never felt like it. I've never had sex with someone I loved. I've never loved anyone else before.

I've only ever loved Holt.

I'll only ever love Holt.

Slowly he plants a kiss on it. And then he trails more up and down, soft gentle kisses to begin with that turn into intentionally sloppy ones.

He's not touching it, he's just kissing it and I want too tell him he can touch me, but I can't find my voice, because his mouth finally closes on me and I'm bawling my fists into the bed sheets.

One of his hands goes at the base and his mouth goes up and down. He's not going too deep but that's okay because everything I'm feeling right now is completely overwhelming.

There's just sweet pressure from his tongue and with the suction I just can't...

I can't look away from him, and it's just so unbelievable and it's all just too much.

I would want to make this pleasure last longer, but I can't and, "Holt, Holt... I'm almost—"

He grabs my hand that went on his shoulder and he keeps looking in my eyes and I'm done.

I throw my head back and my whole body contracts while I moan Holt's name.

Holt asks me something but I don't hear it because I'm dead. Holt's killed me.

"Huh?"

"Was it okay?" he repeats.

I laugh. Okay? Okay? "Much better than okay. You've graduated the blowjob class with high marks," I tell him and he makes one of his cute little smiles, looking down, his fringe falling over his forehead again.

"It's my turn," I say, and push him gently on his back.

I run my hands gently on his chest, making sure everything is okay and that he doesn't want to back down. I kiss the waistline of his boxer brief. I keep looking back in his eyes, to let him time to stop me if he doesn't like it.

Slowly, I pull his underwear off.

He flops back hard on his stomach.

Finally. I'm finally seeing him. I want to gobble him up.

But Holt is looking away now, and there's shame and sadness in his eyes and I can't have that.

"Holt? You're beautiful Holt.," I try to reassure him, "I want you so much. Don't look away. Don't be ashamed. You're perfect and I love you."

He looks back in my eyes and I smile at him. "I love you," I repeat and take him in my hand, lick my thumb and run it in circle on his tip.

I give him a little squeeze now and then and do that until all the shame and sadness is gone from his eyes and the desire is back.

Normally, I would take my sweet time, I would play with him, but he's waited long enough, and I have this sick desire to just have him unravelled.

I take him whole, hard and fast.

He lifts his back right off the bed and it's like his whole body is trying to get into the foetal position, trying to fold itself together. "Oh shit. Oh. Oh. OH!"

It takes him a solid minute to stop moaning and shaking.

I'm kinda licking my lips proudly.

I want to do more. I don't want to do anything else. I don't know what I want. Before, I didn't really care about sex, it was just something I did to feel wanted and feel pleasure. It didn't mean anything. But with Holt it means something. It means everything and I'm scared.

"Was it okay?" I ask him, when he's stopped moaning and I'm lying beside him, his head resting against my arm..

"I've finally understood its appeal," he whispers.

"Didn't like blowjobs before?" I ask, running a hand in his hair.

"I never had one."

I blink slowly. "Wait, what?" I should have known, of course I should have known...

"I never wanted a girl's face to close to...it," he whispers, "I didn't want them to be grossed out. I never let anyone do this before. I've never ever done it with the lights on. I've almost never actually done it twice with the same person. Sometimes, I've had panic attacks after having sex," he admits, his eyes closed.

I knew this was a big deal for him, but I guess I hadn't truly known how much.

"Are you okay right now?" I ask, and run a hand up and down his arm.

There's that little shy smile again. "Better than okay. And anyway, if I had a panic attack with you, your voice would calm me down."

"Come here," I say and I smother him in my arms. He hugs me back just as tightly, tucking his face in the crook of my neck.

We fall back asleep like that.