ninth september

It's September and today is the day I'm getting married.

I haven't seen Holt since yesterday afternoon. I don't think we've ever really been traditional about anything, so I don't see the big deal out of following these stupid not-seeing-the-groom-before-the-wedding rules.

But apparently, there was no getting out of that one. I think our friends are still annoyed with us since we did our bachelor party together.

I don't really get why they were so against it. We were best friends before dating. How could we not be at each other's bachelor's party? And let's be honest here, if either one of us is doing something fun, we want the other to be there. We're kind of codependent that way.

So yeah... I don't like this whole, not-seeing-each-other thing. And I'm still worried about Holt's suit. I mean, I'm not worried, worried. I just know what to expect from everything. And it's not like I think he's going to come out in a white suit or something. I know Holt. He does crazy and adorable things sometimes, but white suit is not one of those. He knows how hot I think he is in black. I wouldn't really want him in anything else.

So maybe he's going to show up in powder blue.

Eloise keeps saying I should stop freaking out about the suit and freak out about our vows. I don't really worry about that though. I don't think I have to come up with new words. I'm happy with what I wrote. And I'll be happy with whatever Holt has to say. We've already said everything we need to say to each other. I don't need anything else. I know how I feel and how he feels. I care more about the whispered words in the middle of the night than the ones chanted on top of buildings. I care about the words that only linger between us. I don't need anyone to know how cute we are, even if we are really really cute.

I don't worry about our vows because I've already made my promises to Holt. I made them the second I laid my eyes on him. The first time I looked at him I knew deep down that I would love him as much as I would love myself and that I would cherish him above everything else.

I would actually like for his vows to be a little boring. I seriously don't need to cry today. I really need to stop turning into my dad.

My father walks into my little waiting room. "You ready son?"

I nod, feeling all giddy inside and follow him out.

We don't do the traditional groom-waiting-at-the-alter-for-his-bride-to-walk-up-to-him. When we were talking about the way we wanted the ceremony to go we both agreed that one of us had done enough waiting for the other to walk up to him. So instead of one person walking up an aisle, we'll both be heading towards each other from both sides, all the way to where my sister will be waiting for us to officiate the wedding.

I stand on my side. I wait for Holt to reach his.

There he is. My gorgeous Holt. My adorable Smooches. The most important person in my life. The man I'm about to marry.

In a perfectly fitted black on black tux, with his blond hair swooped back a little and I can kind of see his freckles from here and I think I'm going to melt because he's so gorgeous. He's just so beautiful and so kind and so perfect and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this amazing man loves me too.

We walk towards each other, our gazes lock. I think we're both about to cry through our smiles.

When we're finally just a couple of feet apart our hands automatically find each others. It's crazy how comforting his touch is.

Eloise starts talking. I want to listen more closely but I can barely hear her because this all feels like a dream.

I just can't believe it, even now, while it's happening that I'm actually marrying Holt. There was a time when I didn't even think I would ever get to kiss him and in a few moments he'll be my husband.

His thumb is running soothing circles on the side of my palm. He mouths I love you to me. I mouth it back.

"It's now time for the vows. Eliah." My sister smiles at me.

I give Holt's hand a little squeeze and clear my throat before I start talking. "As you all know, I'm quite lazy. And even if I do partly write for a living, I'll refer to someone else's words. I came across this quote from Henry James, in his novel Portrait of a Lady, which is a book obviously so fitting for us." Everyone chuckles. I take a breath. I don't look away from Holt's eyes. "It has made me better loving you... it has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter. I used to want a great many things before, and to be angry that I did not have them. Theoretically, I was satisfied. I flattered myself that I had limited my wants. But I was subject to irritation; I used to have morbid sterile hateful fits of hunger, of desire. Now I really am satisfied, because I can't think of anything better. It's just as when one has been trying to spell out a book in the twilight, and suddenly the lamp comes in. I had been putting out my eyes over the book of life, and finding nothing to reward me for my pains; but now that I can read it properly I see that it's a delightful story. That's how I feel about you. I don't know how our book will end, but I can promise you that will spend the rest of my life, alongside you, figuring it out. Together."

"See, this is why I should have gone first, it's going to be hard to top this," Holt says and everyone laughs. I keep my mouth closed because I can't start making naughty comments at my wedding. At least not at the vows part. "For the longest time my life was a simple equation. My father plus his expectations equaled my life. It was a sad and boring life that didn't even interest me, but I had no idea what else to look for. I didn't have anyone that cared for me, myself included. I was just empty. Love wasn't something I thought I deserved. I actually hated myself. And I didn't think anyone could ever love me and accept me. But then a variable came into the simple equation of my life and changed everything. I met you and for the first time I had a friend that accepted me and cared for me without any agenda, without asking anything in return. And you gave me your love too, but I couldn't see it at first, because I had no idea what it looked like. I think it took me so long to realize my feelings because I didn't want anything to jeopardize that friendship. It just meant the world to me. You mean the world to me.  You loving me as made me able to love myself, it's made me find out who I really am. I see my worth in your eyes and I promise to spend the rest of my life just showing you how precious you are through mine."

God I love him.

My sister smiles at us. She makes us repeat the words that will bind us together and finally says "I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the husband."

I press my lips softly against Holt's as our arms wrap around each other and our family and friends start to cheer and clap.

Every moment after that still feel impossible. Holt isn't letting go of my hand and I'm right there with him.

I haven't cried like a baby yet.

I think it might happen when our first pictures as a married couple are snapped.

I think it might happen when our friends and family make their toasts. In hers Eloise says how she knew the first time she met Holt that I was done for, that there never was going to be anyone else but him for me. It feels like a lifetime away. I can't believe there was a time when I thought she might steal Holt from me.

I think it's going to happen when my mom and dad both hug us.

It actually happens when we're swaying to Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley for our first dance.

"Aw Boo, you were doing so great," Holt chuckles in my ear, his hold on me tightening. I'm trying as best as I can to control myself so I don't look too ridiculous.

Apparently Holt loves it. We keep on dancing well after the first song is over and until I've stopped crying and possibly ruined Holt's suit.

At that point of the evening people are trying to talk to us, so we finally let go of each other's hand.

So many people want to say something and congratulate us that before I know it, I've actually lost my husband in the sea of friends and family.

I'm speaking with one of my relatives and I start looking around for Holt but I can't see him. When our conversation is over, I go look for my husband.

I don't think I'll ever tired of calling him that.

I find him outside in the path to the garden behind the reception hall.

"There you are! Are you planning on running away before even consummating the wedding?" I tease him.

Holt turns around, smiling at me. "I'm sorry. It was starting to feel a little crowded for me. But if you are worried about the consummation thing I'm sure we can find a good enough broom closet," he jokes.

I wrap my arms around his shoulder and I smile at him, before pressing a quick kiss on his lips. "I knew you'd be trouble the first time you walked in my apartment."

"Are you like, quoting Taylor Swift now?"

"Shut up."

"You're so gay," my husband teases me with a big goofy smile.

I laugh, grab his face and kiss him again. "I really am," I say, between our parted lips.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Holt looks at me with a content smile. I could spent the rest of my life making that man smile. "Now come on," he says, sliding his hand down my arm and interlocking our fingers together.

I'm grinning, following him. "Where are we going?"

"To go look for that broom closet."

We're giggling all the way back inside.

I don't know what the future has in store for us. But it doesn't worry me at all, because I love Holt and Holt loves me. That's all that truly matters.

I think I can officially say that the Holt conundrum has been resolve. He was never a problem, he was always just the man I would marry.