A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire: Chapter 35

“They’re burning everything,” Delano said between mouthfuls of roasted meat and gulps of water as we sat in a room inside the fortress, off from the dining hall. “All of what was left of Pompay. All of the woods from Pompay to—to Gods, possibly all the way to New Haven. The Dead Bones Clan?” His bare shoulders tensed as he reached for the water. “I don’t see how they could’ve gotten out of there. They have to all be gone.”

My empty stomach churned with nausea. I was no fan of their people-eating and skin-wearing habits, but that didn’t mean I wished they’d all be murdered. Especially after learning that they’d survived the war and the Ascended by hiding out in those woods.

“As soon as we saw Pompay, we knew it wasn’t normal. There weren’t that many there. Maybe two dozen guards. But to create that kind of fire? To the point that the air is nearly black with smoke? We knew there had to be more.” His knuckles bleached white from how tightly he held his glass.

We.

But only he’d returned, and I knew what that meant.

I looked to where Casteel stood on the other side of the table.

His expression was utterly devoid of emotion, but I could feel the vast, icy rage inside him. “Did you see more?”

“We skirted past them, traveling farther west. That’s where we saw them—saw the rest. We got close—as close as we could. To see how many there were.” He downed half the glass of water. “They have camps, Cas. Horses. Wagons pulling supplies.”

Alastir, who’d been standing since we entered the room, sat in a chair, his face pale as Delano lifted his fingers, one by one, from the glass. “There have to be hundreds of them, close to eight hundred or so, I’d guess. A godsdamn army.”

I sat back. From the moment I’d realized that the sky wasn’t actually burning, I had already suspected that the Ascended were behind the fire. My hours on the Rise were spent preparing myself for what I already knew. The knowledge that the Ascended were coming wasn’t what shook me. It was the sheer numbers of them.

“Hell,” Jasper muttered.

“One of them saw us as we left their camp. Arrows. That’s what got me. Got Dante.”

“Was he killed?” Casteel asked.

Delano nodded as he stared at the plate. “Got him in the head.”

Alastir swore, rising once more. “Dante didn’t know when to shut up.” He turned, clasping the back of his chair. “But he was a good man. Honorable.”

“I know.” A muscle flexed in Casteel’s jaw.

“I couldn’t stop to heal,” Delano said. “The moment the arrow hit me, and I saw that Dante was dead, I ran. I would’ve gotten here sooner but I was weakening.”

“It’s okay. You got here.” Casteel unfolded his arms and placed a hand on the wolven’s shoulder. “That is what matters.”

Delano nodded, but I knew he didn’t believe that. I could feel it. The anger—directed at the Ascended and at himself.

“You ran how many miles?” I asked. “With a wound that most likely punctured a lung. You did more than most could ever think to do.”

Delano’s eyes met mine. “And you healed me with the touch of your fingers.”

“And that was nowhere near as difficult or as impressive as what you did.”

The centers of Delano’s cheeks pinkened as Casteel added, “She speaks the truth. And you’re the first person to ever impress her. I’m jealous.”

I rolled my eyes.

Casteel squeezed Delano’s shoulder once more and then asked, “Did you see any sign of Elijah? Or anyone from New Haven?”

With a shake of Delano’s head, a heavy, somber pall settled over the room.

“There are other ways they could’ve traveled—routes that would take significantly longer. But that doesn’t mean Elijah and the people didn’t get out of New Haven,” Kieran said, speaking for the first time. “They could’ve headed north and then come down through the foothills of the Skotos to avoid the Ascended.”

“I know.” Casteel crossed his arms. “Did you see any Ascended? Any knights?”

“No, but there were windowless carriages and wagons with high walls, completely sheltered. It’s possible some are with them.”

“That’s one bit of good news then,” Casteel said.

“How is that good news?” Alastir turned to him. “There are hundreds on their way here. An army.”

“It’s good because hundreds of mortals means Spessa’s End has a chance,” Casteel answered.

“A slim chance.” Alastir returned to his seat. “You may be optimistic. I respect that, but even with the Guardians we have here, that will not be enough to hold back an army of hundreds.”

A chill settled in my bones as I looked around the table, around the room and the stone walls that had already witnessed one city fall. “We can’t let Spessa’s End fall.”

Several pairs of eyes turned to me, but it was Casteel’s gaze that I met. “And we won’t,” he said. “Nova?”

The tall Guardian with the braided blond hair stepped forward. It was the one who’d watched us the day I saw them training. “Yes, my Prince?”

“Remind me of how many people we have that are capable of defending the town?”

“Less than a hundred who are trained or capable of physically fighting,” she answered, and Emil let out a low curse. “Our older population is trained with the bow, though. We would have about twenty archers.”

Twenty archers was better than nothing, but it wasn’t enough. Everyone knew that.

“We have an additional twenty-three from my and Alastir’s groups.” A muscle flexed along Casteel’s jaw. “When do you think they’ll reach Spessa’s End?”

“They’re in two groups,” Delano said. “The smaller one is closer, about a day’s ride out. I imagine they could be here by nightfall.” The tension in the room intensified. “The larger group will take longer to arrive. Probably two days, but those guesses are based on whether the first group waits for the larger group.”

“And how many are in the first group?” Jasper asked.

“Two hundred? Maybe three.”

That was the smaller group? Dear gods… “There is no way they don’t know what has been happening here if they’ve sent nearly a thousand or more soldiers,” I said. “They’re coming, ready for a fight.”

“Someone must have talked,” Emil said as he pushed off the wall. “They had to have forced the information from someone. Possibly a Descenter who traveled here or was aware.”

“Or someone at New Haven,” Alastir said, and my chest seized with dread.

“They’re probably not entirely aware of what has been rebuilt here, but they know with it being this close to the Skotos, they’re not coming unprepared. The size of the army could be more show than force in hopes of scaring us into giving them what they want.” Jasper, seated a few empty seats down the table from me, twisted in my direction. “Which I assume is you.”

I already knew that. Whether they knew what Spessa’s End had become or not, they were coming for their Maiden. Their blood supply. The future of their Ascensions in one shape or form, and they’d brought an army to gain what they wanted, fully prepared to do so through force.

And people would…they would die. Possibly even some of those in this very room. All of them were the closest things to immortal there were, but none of them were gods. And even with everyone willing and able to fight, we were vastly outnumbered. People would die because they were harboring me, just like the people in New Haven.

Like Renfern.

My stomach and chest twisted with the iciness of apprehension. I couldn’t live with that again.

“They cannot have what they want,” Casteel snarled as his gaze shot to mine. “Ever.”

I stilled as he held my gaze. There was a vow in his words, one that spoke volumes—one that said he knew where my thoughts had gone.

“They’re here for me,” I said, holding his stare and willing him to hear what I couldn’t say in front of others. “We cannot risk—”

“Yes, we can,” he cut me off, eyes burning an intense yellow. “And, yes, I will. They cannot have you.” Bending forward, he placed his hands on the table. “Whatever you’re thinking, you have it wrong. They’re not going to turn and walk away if they have you. You know that, Poppy. You saw that firsthand with Lord Chaney. They will get what they want and still lay waste to everything before them just because they can. That is what they do. And once they have you, they will use you to wreak more havoc and destruction. By giving yourself to them, you won’t be saving lives. You’ll be destroying more of them.”

Casteel was right, and I hated that. It made me feel like there was nothing I could do to stop this—to fight back.

But that was wrong.

There was something I could do. I could fight.

Casteel dragged his gaze from mine. “We need reinforcements, and we need them quickly. Alastir, I need you to cross the Skotos. Alert those at the Pillars and Saion’s Cove to what is happening. Send as many of our soldiers that can make it to Spessa’s End within two days,” Casteel ordered, to which the wolven already began rising from his chair to obey. Casteel wasn’t done yet. He turned to Kieran. “I want you to travel with him just in case something happens.”

“What?” Kieran exclaimed, obviously as shocked as I was to hear Casteel’s demand. “There is a damn army of Solis heading this way, and you’re sending me to Atlantia?”

“I am. You’re fast. You’re strong. And you will not weaken or falter if something happens to Alastir.” Casteel met the wolven’s astonished stare. “You will not fail us.”

My heart started thumping hard because I knew. I knew in my bones why Casteel was sending Kieran away.

“My Prince,” Nova spoke up. “I know you feel that it is your duty to remain here, but it is you who should travel beyond the Skotos. You should leave immediately and head for safety.”

“I have to agree with her,” Alastir chimed in. “The Ascended may think you’re the Dark One, but they may know who you really are—the living heir to the Kingdom of Atlantia. You are the last person who should be here.”

I tensed at Alastir’s words, but Casteel showed no reaction to him being referred to as the living heir to the kingdom. “I value both of your thoughts and opinions, but you all know I will not leave Spessa’s End to defend itself. Not when I helped to convince those here to come and make their homes in this place.”

“Everyone who came here knew the risks involved,” Alastir argued. “Your life cannot be put at risk for Spessa’s End.”

Casteel inclined his head. “If I’m not willing to risk my life for Spessa’s End, how dare I ask the people here to do so? That is not what a Prince does—at least not a good one.”

A wealth of respect for Casteel rose so swiftly in me, it took my breath. I didn’t understand how he couldn’t see it practically radiating from me. He wasn’t willing to ask those to risk what he would not, and no one could argue that. Not even Alastir.

He exhaled heavily and then nodded.

“I should be here with you.” Kieran stepped closer to Casteel. “My duty is to defend your life with mine. That is what I’m bonded to do, the oath I took. How can I do that running away from the battle?” His voice lowered. “Don’t do this, Cas.”

My heart twisted as I stared at them. Casteel was sending his bonded wolven away. One look at Kieran told me that he knew it, too. Casteel was removing any chance that Kieran would risk his life to save his.

Just as he’d done when he left to kill the Queen and King of Solis.

And that meant that Casteel truly understood the likelihood that Spessa’s End wouldn’t hold until or if reinforcements arrived.

“You took an oath to protect me, and you will,” Casteel said. “You’re not running away from the battle. You will be keeping safe what is most important to me, and that is Poppy.”

I jolted. “Wait. What?”

“You will leave with them. It will be hard,” he said, still holding Kieran’s gaze. “There will be no breaks, and you will need to listen to everything Kieran tells you, especially when it’s night in the mountains, but—”

“I’m not leaving,” I cut him off.

“You can’t be here,” Casteel replied. “Not when they come. This is not up for discussion.”

I shot to my feet. “Let me make one thing clear. I don’t know if you realize this or not, Casteel, but I’m not duty-bound to obey a single thing you say.”

Casteel stiffened.

“And maybe you should actually look at me when you try to order me to do things,” I tacked on.

He turned to me, his head cocked. “I’m looking at you now.”

“But are you listening?”

“Oh, man,” Delano murmured under his breath as the rest of the room went dead silent. “Someone is getting stabbed again.”

Someone, I think it was Jasper, snorted.

“Oh, I’m listening,” Casteel replied. “Maybe you should try that. Along with this thing called common sense.”

“Definitely getting stabbed,” Kieran confirmed.

I stepped around the table, aware that Delano appeared to be sinking into his chair. “Are you serious?”

“Are you armed?” Casteel asked with a smirk. “You are, aren’t you?”

“I’m so confused by what is happening here,” Nova whispered with a slight frown.

“Apparently, she already stabbed him once,” Jasper informed the Guardian. “In the heart.”

Nova looked at me.

“And she cut me earlier tonight. Threw a knife right at my face another time,” Casteel ticked off his fingers. “Then this one time, in the woods, she—”

“No one wants to hear about how many times I’ve made you bleed,” I snapped.

“I do,” Jasper remarked.

Emil raised his hand. “So do I.”

“Look, not only is it not wise for the one thing they want to be here within their grasp, I don’t want to worry about you handing yourself over,” Casteel stated. “You know…like before.”

“That is not a mistake I will make again,” I stated.

“But you were just thinking about it, weren’t you?” He stepped to the side so Delano was no longer seated between us.

“I was,” I admitted. “For a couple of minutes. But you were right.”

His brows lifted. “Blessed be the gods, someone mark the date and time. She just admitted I was right.”

“Oh, shut up,” I bit back.

“Fine with me. Conversation is over. You’ll leave with Alastir and Kieran immediately.” He started to turn.

“I am not leaving.” I lifted my chin when he spun back to me. “You’ll have to make me. You’ll have to drag me all the way to Atlantia yourself.”

His chin dipped as anger pounded through him, reaching me. “Or I could just compel you.”

My skin went cold. “You wouldn’t dare.”

His jaw flexed, and then he spat out a curse. The ice left me. He wouldn’t do that. “This is different, Poppy. Different than the Rise or the Craven or the Dead Bones Clan.”

“You should leave,” the Guardian spoke. “I saw what you can do—out there with Delano. But that will be of no use when it’s time to fight. You will be nothing but a distraction to our Prince. You will be a liability.”

Slowly, I turned to the woman. “Excuse me?”

Nova stared back at me. “I mean no offense. I’m only stating facts.”

“Your facts are grossly incorrect,” I told her. “Just to point out the most obvious of your inaccuracies, what I did for Delano would actually come in handy when and if people are injured. That,”—I sent a dark look in Casteel’s direction—“is common sense.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“As far as me being a liability? I’m just as good with a sword as I am with a bow, and I’m damn good with a bow. Probably better than most here. I am an asset,” I said. “And as far as being a distraction to Casteel, that’s his weakness. Not mine.”

Nova’s chin lifted, and I felt…I felt a measure of respect from the Guardian. It was buried under layers of wariness, but it was there.

“She’s not lying,” Casteel said, watching me. “Penellaphe can fight, and her skill with a sword and aim with the arrow are leagues above that of a trained soldier. She is never a liability.”

My gaze shifted to him. “So then it’s settled?”

His lips thinned as he shook his head.

“You need my help,” I told him, drawing in a shallow breath. “And I need to be here. They are coming for me, and I have to be able to do something. I need to fight back, not stand by and do nothing.”

Casteel’s eyes met mine and stayed, and I thought maybe he understood then. Why I couldn’t walk away. Why doing so would make me feel helpless. But even then, I braced for more of a fight. Because this was different. This was battle, and I could feel the mess of emotions in him. The conflict.

But then he nodded. “Okay. You stay,” he said, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. “We’ll discuss what exactly that means later.”

My eyes narrowed.

“What of me?” Kieran demanded then. “If Penellaphe is staying—”

“There still needs to be two of you,” Casteel interrupted, and I sensed the bone-deep weariness in him. “Delano can’t make the trip, and you’re faster than Naill and most Atlantians here.”

Kieran stiffened while his father watched on in silence. “And this is an order?”

Meeting Kieran’s eyes, Casteel nodded. “Yes. It is.”

The wolven’s jaw worked so hard, I was surprised we didn’t hear it crack. He shook his head. Disbelief and anger radiated from him, but I felt something else, something deeper that was warm and stronger than the anger. “I know why you’re doing this,” Kieran whispered.

Casteel said nothing for a long moment and then said, “It’s not the only reason.”

Words went unsaid between them, but were understood nonetheless. Whatever it was caused Kieran to nod, to accept Casteel’s order. Then Kieran moved forward, clasping Casteel around the back of the neck. “If you get yourself killed,” Kieran said, “I’m going to be pissed.”

One side of Casteel’s lips kicked up. “I won’t fall, my brother.” Casteel pulled him in for a tight, one-armed hug. “That, I can promise you.”

Exhaling raggedly, Kieran returned the embrace. Maybe I was just tired. I didn’t know, but I wanted to cry as I watched them, even though I wouldn’t let myself consider the possibility that they would not see each other again. That their bond could be severed. Kieran stepped back, looking at his father.

Jasper was already on his feet, moving to his son. “I’ve always been proud of you.” He curved a hand around the back of Kieran’s head. “I’ve always had confidence in you. I know we will see each other again.”

Kieran nodded, and as he pulled away from his father, I took a tentative step forward. “Kieran?”

He looked at me.

“Please…please try to be careful,” I said.

He lifted his brows. “Are you worried about me?”

Crossing my arms, I nodded.

“Don’t be nice to me,” he replied, and I sensed amusement from him. “It weirds me out.”

“Sorry.”

He smiled then as he walked to where I stood. “You don’t sound remotely sorry.”

I grinned at him.

“Do me a favor,” Kieran said, looking down at me. “Protect your Prince, Poppy.”

I didn’t see Casteel for the rest of the day.

After saying goodbye to Alastir, I returned to the room while he left to go and speak with the people of Spessa’s End. I’d started to ask to go with him, but upon remembering the townspeople’s reactions the night before, I realized I would only be a distraction. The kind that could prove deadly to the people of Spessa’s End if they were busy staring at me instead of listening to Casteel.

I’d expected him to return, not so much to finish our conversation since there were far more important things going on, but because he needed to sleep.

But the morning gave way to the afternoon, and Casteel still didn’t show. I didn’t stay in the room. I prepared.

Luckily, Vonetta had been near when I stepped out into the courtyard, and she was willing to indulge me in a training session. Handling a sword or a bow wasn’t a technique you forgot, but it was one that could become rusty with neglect.

Plus, she was a wolven, faster and stronger than a mortal, and fighting her would be a lot like fighting a knight. I needed the practice.

We drew a bit of a crowd, but Casteel was still with the people. According to Vonetta, he was helping to determine who could fight.

When I saw Casteel again, it was when Delano brought me to the small room off the dining room where dinner was spent discussing strategies. The fact that Casteel had thought to include me in the meeting didn’t go unnoticed by me or by anyone else in the room.

By the time night arrived, and I’d returned to the bedchamber, Casteel still hadn’t. I spent several hours nervously pacing and thinking about things—about everything that had happened before Casteel entered my life, and everything that had happened since. I thought about my gift—how it was changing, how I glowed like moonlight. And I thought about all that Casteel had said and what had been left unsaid.

I thought about how I was so damn tired of pretending.

At some point, after walking myself ragged, I finally fell asleep, dressed just in case the Ascended showed. I wasn’t even sure what woke me, but when I opened my eyes, the grayish light of dawn crept into the room, and Casteel was in the bed beside me, propped up against a mountain of pillows. His long legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, feet bare. His hands were loose in his lap. He was awake, looking at me.

“Are you watching me sleep?”

“Not now. I was a few minutes ago,” he admitted, one side of his lips curving up. “Now, I’m talking to you.”

“That’s creepy,” I murmured. “The watching me while I sleep part.”

“Possibly.”

“You have no shame.” I rolled onto my back.

He smiled faintly at that, but it didn’t reach his eyes—eyes that were tired.

“Have you slept at all?”

“Not yet.”

The mess that was my hair toppled over my shoulders as I sat up. “I know you’re this insanely powerful elemental, but you need to rest.”

That half-grin appeared, the dimple in his right cheek peeking. “Are you worried about me, Princess?”

I started to tell him no. To deny that I was because that was what I’d always done. It was the easiest—and the safest—but I was tired.

Of lying.

Of pretending.

That was something else I’d thought about as I stood on the Rise overnight after preparing myself for the inevitable. I thought about my future. Who I used to be, who I was becoming, and who I wanted to be. And it was strange how revelations felt like they happened all of a sudden, but in reality, it took many small, almost indiscernible moments over the course of weeks, months, and years. Bottom line, I knew I didn’t want to be someone who hid anymore, whether behind a veil, to others, or to myself.

Just like I’d said at dinner, I hadn’t changed because of Casteel. I’d been in the process long before he came into my life, but he was a catalyst. Just like all those times I’d snuck out to explore, the books I’d been forbidden yet read, and when I smiled at the Duke, knowing I’d be punished later. Vikter’s death was also a turning point.

“I am,” I told him. “I am worried about you.”

Casteel stared at me, and I didn’t need to read him to know that my answer had shocked him.

“They’re going to come. The Ascended could be here by tonight. You need to sleep. To be rested.” I paused. “And maybe stop staring at me.”

“I…” He blinked, and then his body relaxed once more. “I will rest. We both will. But I need…we need to finish our conversation. It can’t wait.” His gaze returned to mine. “Not any longer.”

My heart kicked around in my chest as I leaned back against the pillows. “Where…where do we start?”

He laughed softly. “Gods, I think I know where to start. You asked if I have any shame? I do have some.” He looked over at me. “Almost all the shame I’ve ever felt has to do with you. I hated lying to you, Poppy. I hated that I was capable of planning to take you—to use you—without ever knowing you. That I even have that capability inside me. I can feel shame for that, but if given the chance to do it again, I would do it exactly the same.”

Casteel’s gaze flickered over my face. “I wasn’t lying earlier when I said I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to use everything I had to gain your trust. If it took pretty words and kisses and my body, I would’ve used them all. I would have done anything to free Malik.”

But he wouldn’t.

He didn’t.

“That’s what the night in the Red Pearl was about. When you asked me why I would kiss you? Why I stayed in the room with you? It was because I knew I could use that to my advantage. I feel shame for that, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently.” He let his head fall back against the pillows, his gaze never leaving mine. “But I didn’t…I didn’t plan on actually enjoying your company. I didn’t plan on coming to look forward to talking to you. And I didn’t plan on the guilt that came with my actions. I didn’t plan on…well, I didn’t plan on caring about you.”

My breath snagged in my chest as a tremble coursed through me.

“I planned on taking you the night of the Rite. When I led you out to the garden. To the willow. Kieran and the others were waiting for us. I was going to take you then, while everyone else was busy, and before you even had an idea of what was happening.”

“But you didn’t.”

“If I had, you never would’ve witnessed Vikter’s death. You wouldn’t have seen any of that. Honest to gods, Poppy, I had no idea they were going to attack—”

“I know. I believe you.” And I did. His shoulders loosened. “Why didn’t you take me?”

“I don’t know.” His brows knitted. “No. That’s a lie. I didn’t take you then because I knew the moment I did, you would stop looking at me like…like I was just Hawke. You would stop opening up to me. Talking to me. Seeing me. You’d hate me. I wasn’t ready for that.”

I wasn’t ready for him to admit that.

He swallowed as his gaze lifted to the bed’s canopy. “When I touched you in the Blood Forest, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I…I wanted to be your first. I needed to be your first everything. Kiss. Touch. Pleasure.”

Oh, gods…

His jaw worked as he slowly shook his head. “Kieran…fuck, I thought he might actually punch me when he realized what I’d done. But he knew and…” Casteel cleared his throat. “The night in New Haven, when I came to your room, I didn’t plan that. I wanted it. Gods, did I ever. It was all I could think about it seemed, and damn if that wasn’t a fucking difference, but I didn’t plan to do that with you when you had no idea who I was.”

Pressure clamped down on my chest. “That’s why you didn’t want me to call you Hawke that night. I thought it was because that wasn’t technically your name.”

“It’s because you didn’t know who that name was attached to.” He dragged his teeth across his lip. “I should’ve walked out of that room. If I were a better man, I would’ve. I feel shame for that, but gods, I don’t regret it. How terrible is that?”

“I…” My throat sealed, and it took a bit for me to unclog it. “I hated that you weren’t honest with me then, but I don’t regret it. I never did.”

His gaze swung to mine. “Don’t say stuff like that.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes me want to strip you naked and sink so deep in you that neither of us will know where we start and end.” His eyes flared an intense gold. “And then we’d never finish this conversation.”

“Oh,” I whispered, his words sending a heated wave through me. “Okay, then.”

The smile returned, but it was quick to disappear. “What I said that night still holds true. I’m not worthy of you. I knew that then. I know that still. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you. That hasn’t stopped me from concocting a plan where I can have you, if only until this is over. It didn’t stop me from wanting everything from you. From pretending that I could have everything, Poppy.”

I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing.

“And I know you’re probably still angry with me about wanting to leave, wanting you to go with Kieran, but I…” He closed his eyes. “After what was done to me and everything that happened afterward, I didn’t think I was capable of truly wanting or needing someone like I do you. I didn’t believe it was possible. And there have been so many times, too many times, that I’ve wanted this to be real.”

“What part did you want to be real?”

“All of it. That I had accepted my brother’s fate. That I was bringing home my wife, and that…there was this future I no longer believed I would have. That was all I could think about earlier. The idea of you being here when they came. I felt the fear already. When that bastard Ascended took you at New Haven? I thought I’d lost you.” He swallowed again. “And I know too much has happened for any of that to be real. I know I’ve hurt you. I know when you said you carried the guilt for my actions, you weren’t lying. And I’m…gods, Poppy, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve everything that I’ve laid at your feet, and you sure as hell don’t deserve the fact that I’m still trying to hold onto you. That when it comes time for you to leave, I’m still going to want you. Even when you inevitably do leave, I’ll still want you.”

He would’ve let you go, but I doubt you would’ve been free of him.

Isn’t that what Kieran had said?

“I don’t know what any of that means. I’ve long since stopped trying to figure it out.” His lashes lowered, shielding his gaze. “Can you tell me? Can you read me and tell me?”

In that moment, I couldn’t concentrate enough to read a book, but I knew what I needed from him. “Tell me about her.”

Casteel’s gaze met mine, and he looked…fractured as he looked away, returning to stare at his hands. He was silent for so long that I didn’t think he would speak. That he wouldn’t say anything, but then he answered.

“We…we grew up together—Shea and me. Our families were close, obviously, and we were friends at first. Somehow, at some point, it became something more. I don’t even know how or when, but I loved her. At least, I think that’s what I felt. She was brave and smart. Wild. I thought I would spend my entire life with her, and then I got myself captured, and she came for me.”

My heart sank and plummeted even further when he moved suddenly, rising from the bed.

“I don’t even know how many times she and Malik came for me. It had to be dozens, and you see, they never gave up on me. They believed I was alive. All those years, they kept searching for me.” He thrust a hand through his hair. “And then they found me. I barely recognized them when they appeared in front of my cell. I thought I was hallucinating—imagining that my brother and Shea were there, all but carrying me out of the dungeon into the tunnels. I was in bad shape. Hadn’t fed in a while. Weak. Disoriented. I don’t even know exactly when the two Ascended appeared, but they were suddenly there as if they’d be waiting for us. They had been.”

I scooted to the edge of the bed as he walked over to the terrace doors. “What do you mean?”

“I mean they knew I was going to be freed that day. They knew that my brother—the true heir—was coming. An Atlantian older and stronger than me, and he was going to be within their reach.”

Understanding started to creep in, and I didn’t want it to be true. Oh, gods, I didn’t.

“There was a fight, and all I remember was Shea pulling me away—tugging me away from Malik, taking me through this maze of tunnels.” He exhaled roughly. “All she kept saying was that she was sorry. That she had no choice.”

I lifted my hands to my mouth, almost wishing he wouldn’t continue.

“One of the Ascended came after us, cornered us, and he…he told me everything. Taunted me with it. Shea had been caught when she and Malik had split up while looking for me. The Ascended were going to kill her, and she told them who she was with. She gave up my brother in exchange for her life.”

“Oh, gods,” I whispered, heart cracking as his pain reached out to me, mingling with my own.

“They thought she was going to leave me behind. That’s why they agreed. A two for one special.” He laughed, but it was harsh. “They weren’t prepared for Malik to put up such a fight. That was how Shea got me out. I didn’t believe the Ascended. I tried to protect her, and then she tried to barter again. My life for hers. And I…once it seeped through the haze, through the hunger, that she was the reason they had my brother instead of me, and that she would hand me over to them again, I lost it. I killed the Ascended. I killed her. With my bare hands. I don’t even know if it was panic that drove her actions. It had to be. She wasn’t a bad person, but it couldn’t have been love.”

“No, it couldn’t have been,” I said. “I know I don’t have experience, but if you love someone, you could never do that to them. I’m sorry to even say that. I didn’t know her, but I just know you could never do that to someone you love.”

“No. You couldn’t. I know that.” His head bowed. “I think she did love me at some point. Why else would she continue searching for me? Or maybe she felt that was what was expected of her. I don’t know. But I would’ve chosen death if that meant saving the one I loved.” He dragged a hand over his face as he kept his back to me. “I tried to find Malik after…after that, but couldn’t find my way through the tunnels. I fucking stumbled out onto the beach at some point, and by the luck of the gods, a man found me.”

He lowered his hand. “So, that’s why I don’t talk about her. That’s why I don’t speak her name, because as much as I once loved her, I hate her now. And I hate what I did.”

I shuddered, unable to find words—because there were none.

“Alastir doesn’t know.” He turned to me then. “Only Kieran and my brother know the truth. Alastir can never know that his daughter betrayed Malik—our kingdom. It’s not that I’m trying to protect myself. I can deal with him learning that she died by my hands, but it would kill him to learn the truth of what she did.”

“I won’t ever say anything,” I promised. “I don’t know how you’ve kept that to yourself. It has to…” I trailed off, letting out a ragged breath. “It has to eat you up inside.”

“I rather it do that than let the truth destroy a man who has been nothing but loyal to our kingdom and people.” He leaned against the wall, eyes closing again. “And Shea? I don’t know if it’s right or wrong that people believe she died a hero. I don’t care if it’s wrong.”

I stared at him, seeing what I never thought existed under any of the masks he wore. His body had been tortured as well as his soul. “I wish I knew what to say. I wish you never had to do that after everything else you’d been through. I hate that you feel guilt, and I know you do. She betrayed you. She betrayed herself. And I’m sorry.”

Casteel opened his mouth.

“I know you don’t want my sympathies, but you have them, nonetheless. That doesn’t mean I pity you. It’s just that…” I stopped searching his emotions then. “I understand why you never wanted to speak of her.”

And I understood now why Kieran advised me to never go down that road.

Casteel nodded as he turned back to the terrace doors.

There was something I didn’t understand. “Gianna is Alastir’s great-niece and the marriage to her was his idea?” When he nodded, I said, “And he was okay with you marrying his niece when you were once with his daughter?”

“He was.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Maybe it’s just me, but that would weird me out. Granted, I don’t live for hundreds of years or—”

“It was one of the reasons I could never agree to that union,” he said. “And it’s not Gianna’s fault. She’s a good person. You’d like her.”

I wasn’t sure about that.

“But she…she looks like Shea. Not exactly, but the resemblance is there, and it was weird, even to me. But even if she looked nothing like her, I never thought of her in that way.”

Unsure of how to feel about the knowledge that this Gianna actually looked like Shea—a woman Casteel had once loved and was betrayed by, I thought it over. After a few moments, I realized that none of that with Gianna and Alastir actually mattered. It was just…background noise. What mattered was us.

“I know why you sent Kieran to Atlantia,” I told him. “You wanted to make sure he didn’t risk his life to save yours.”

He was quiet for a moment. “It’s not the only reason. Alastir will call for our forces and then he will go straight to my father and mother—tell them that I plan to marry, and he’ll express his doubts. That’s the last thing anyone needs.”

That was what Casteel had meant when he spoke to Kieran—what had caused the wolven to relent.

Knowing how much it had cost him to talk about Shea and now knowing what he carried with him, it made what I said next easier than expected. “I was telling the truth last night at dinner.”