Chapter Twenty-Three

One Month Later

I thought about Wren at the same time every day. 12:30 p.m. It was right after my break. I'd spend most of it talking to Shae. We sent them off to London last week and neither of us had fully let go. They rattled on and on about places I'd love and things they wanted to accomplish. Working with designers, helping at photoshoots, honing their craft. Everything they wanted was right at their fingertips.

Dreams really did come true.

And that's when he would cross my mind.

I finished my animation story almost two weeks ago. I sent it off, and I got it. Regina wanted me for the internship. I was awe-inspiring, she said. I took initiative and rose to the occasion. And I turned it down.

Animation wasn't my dream. It took this summer to realize it didn't thrill me. And I wanted it to.

I made the animation story for Wren. To honor my hummingbird. It was the story of my summer. Maybe I made it out of guilt or as a farewell. But I knew, deep down, I made it because I didn't want to disappoint him. I didn't want everything he did to go in vain.

And just like that, thoughts of Wren would fill my day. Although I hadn't seen him in weeks, he was stuck with me. Maybe I was stuck with him too.

"Nora!" my father shouted from downstairs. "Can you take out the trash?"

I liked keeping busy. And with one man short, the restaurant needed a lot of attention.

I hoisted the bag onto the ground. Is this thing made of cement? The smell of hot sauce and boiled eggs wafted in my face as I twisted a knot. When I secured the bag, I dragged it to the back of the alley.

Flies raved at their new home and I buried the bag in with the rest. Across the street, I heard a woman's muffled cry. She was wrapped in someone's arms. He stood a few feet above her. Her stout frame nestled into his chest.

When she pulled away, I noticed her short curly hair and unwavering smile. I'd seen her somewhere. And as the memory of her appeared, she popped the trunk of a cherry red mustang.

It was Wren, dressed exactly like the day I first met him, only now, his leather jacket was perfect for the season. He rushed to her as she pulled out an enormous suitcase. She stuffed containers of food into the pockets, and I caught the mention of an airplane.

He's leaving?

As the question bobbed through my mind, I sprinted across the street. A series of honks scattered through the air and captured his attention. At my ravenous pursuit, his eyes enlarged.

"Nora!" The woman beamed.

I felt embarrassed. She was the woman who gave Wren his first job. She believed in him so much she let him break into her restaurant on our first date. And I couldn't even remember her name.

She gave the type of hug that made you want to cry and confess all your problems. But Wren stole all my attention; I couldn't give her any.

"I'm Greta. Wren has told me so much about you. I'm like his mom away from his mom." She smiled, locking arms with me. Her attention centered on a flustered Wren. "This thing's leaving us for L.A. You don't find women like us outside of Elk Rose."

"You're moving to California?" My voice swelled and sitting birds dispersed into the trees.

Greta took a step back and wrung her hands. "Oh, I just remembered I was supposed to wash the iron today. I better go."

As she shuffled into her apartment building, she hugged Wren one last time.

At what point was he going to tell me he was leaving? When he was on the plane or five months later, when I crossed his mind? I get I was the one who wanted space, but if he was leaving, he could've picked up the phone and talked to me. It wasn't fair. I didn't like being left in the dark. I thought he cared enough to tell me if his feelings had changed. Mine hadn't.

"What the hell, Wren? You're leaving? Just like that. You weren't going to tell me?"

He rocked back on his heels, throwing his gaze to the ground. I couldn't read his emotion, but I knew it wasn't guilt or sympathy. Which meant, whatever he felt, it was wrong.

"You said you needed space. I thought I was giving it to you."

He's going to try to blame this on me. I didn't tell him to move across the country. "You know that's not what I meant. If you were leaving you should have told me."

He huffed, lifting his eyes. And there it was. The scowl on his lips, the way his brows pinched in, and how he hid behind his bangs. "After a while, I figured it didn't matter to you anymore," he said.

It didn't matter, or he didn't matter? "Bullshit, Wren. Even if that were true, you should've reached out. Not leave without notice."

"Yeah, well, you ran away long before I did. Maybe you should take your own advice." He turned around, headed for his car. Did he think this conversation was over?

"I'm not the one about to leave the state. You knew how much I blamed your mother for everything. It wasn't easy trying to navigate what would become of us now."

He flung from the car and charged forward. "You should've told me that! I wasn't selfish enough to reach out because I knew my mom ruined everything for you and your family. I just didn't think you were selfish enough to desert me the first chance you got."

"Selfish? You're calling me selfish? How can—"

"I get it. Your life's back to the way you want. Your mom's back, Shae's off doing their thing, and you've got a number of excuses to avoid yourself and what you want."

What was he even talking about? My life was not the way I wanted. My mother wasn't the same person she was a few months ago. My family didn't care about the same things they once did, and as much as I wanted Shae to achieve everything they wanted, I wanted them here too.

"This has nothing to do with me or you," I said.

"You're scared, Nora. Just admit it. The girl I know would've never left me out to dry or punish me for my mom's shit. She would've remembered the hold my mom had on me, and how afraid I was of her taking away everything I loved. Communication, letting me know how she felt, that's the type of girl I thought you were. You just pushed me away. You didn't contact me because you wanted me to leave. That way you didn't have to tell me yourself."

He was trying to make me feel bad, and I wouldn't let him. How did he think I was supposed to handle it? She blew everything up. The moment I found out she was his mother, I knew it wouldn't end well.

"The only reason you're pissed is because I didn't take your discomfort into consideration."

"Because yours isn't the only one that matters, Nora! We're supposed to talk to each other."

"Maybe I didn't want to hear your toxic positivity bullshit. You have no idea what it's like to have every single avenue up against you."

"Here we go again. You will never see my point of view if you refuse to believe it's real."

He marched to his car and I clutched his jacket. "Wait. Are you really leaving?"

A chuckle fell from his lips. He didn't turn to me. I couldn't stand talking to his back. "Your Uncle, he sent some of my new songs to a record label. They liked them so..."

"They signed you?" I asked. "But is that what you really want?"

At my question, he turned around. "What do you mean is that what I really want? You told me to do it!"

He was still arguing with me. I was only asking. He never mentioned Uncle Ronnie anymore after that day. I thought he was happy in Elk Rose, performing in the same venues for the same people. I wanted to know if this change had been brewing long before now, or was it in the last month? But again, he was blaming me for something else.

"Don't put this on me. You're choosing to go. Just because you're incapable of making decisions doesn't mean you get to blame me, now that your mother isn't around."

"Wow." He breathed. I could visibly see him shutting down. His face was practically stone. "So, my past is a joke to you? Everything I told you, you were laughing behind my back? You don't know what it's like for me either. You think you're so strong and resilient, but you wouldn't last one day in that house with her."

"I sure as hell wouldn't have allowed myself to be coddled." I wasn't even sure I believed what I was saying anymore. He got on his high horse and cast judgment on me. I didn't deserve it. Or for him to leave without saying goodbye. "I would've stood up for myself. I would've made sure she respected me."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you eight months ago?"

That had to be the cruelest thing anyone had ever said to me. We were angry. We were fighting, but he didn't have to go that low. Maybe I didn't know Wren like I thought. No, I did know Wren. He would never say something like that to me. But I'm sure Felix would. The boy who had been fighting for his spot his entire life. Having to be the smartest, most valuable person in the room. I wasn't looking at Wren anymore. Or had I ever? Maybe this was the person he had always been.

He waited. Waited for me to cast flames into his fire. And I didn't. It was a good thing he was leaving. Maybe then we'd stopped fooling ourselves. Pretending we could be happy when it was clear it wouldn't last.

"Screw you." I wouldn't let him be the first to leave. I wasn't going to watch him ride off into the distance, hating me. He needed to remember me leaving him.

I marched across the street as he let out a frustrated yell. I didn't look back. Even when his car roared to life. When I heard the music blare and the tires screech, I didn't have to fight the urge. In a matter of seconds, he would be gone. Taking whatever we had, right along with him.

"Nora? You 'ight?" Larry asked.

If my family knew one thing about me, they knew not to bother me when I was upset. I had different stages of anger. And this was the "avoid at all cost" stage.

Or simply put, Stage One.

I catapulted through the dinner rush. No order was too big and no rush was too fast. I took on everything like a cheetah in attack. It was the stage where my mind fed on anything in its view. Everything was up for grabs and it always led right back to the subject of its anger. Wren. Collared green reminded me of him because he said they were too spicy. What are you? Ten? The screaming girls at table four, watching K-pop idols, reminded me of him. Even the sound of an engine would set me off.

I could live off anger for days, but eventually, anger would turn introspective. Stage Two. I called it "the Inner Shae."

Everyone had an inner Shae. That voice inside you that made you see your faults. Made you question the way you felt, and if there were things that needed to be unearthed. Why was I angry with him? Or was I angry with myself? Why didn't I call him? Should I call him now? Would it have been so bad if I had?

I hated this stage because it could last for weeks. Every day it would get worse. The questions became harder to answer and even harder to ask. Was he running away from me? Would I run away from me? Or have I always been?

The questions would spiral until I knew the answers to them all. Probably. Totally. And of course, I never stopped.

And then I'd hit the final stage. Stage Three. The "it is what it is" stage. Quite different from the acceptance stage. It was when I cried the most. I felt sorry for myself and wished things were different. Where I'd wish to be different. I thought about Wren. Visualized him falling in love with someone else, someone better. I'd think about Shae, and how they were following their dreams. How I missed them both, and how I wished I was like them, but, deep down, I knew I could never be. I wasn't built that way. It was fact. It's just is what it is.

I was surprised the first two stages happened in a matter of days. I had been in stage three for two weeks. Held hostage. And it showed no promise to end any time soon.

"I think Nora's broken," Nadia whispered.

The restaurant was quiet after a busy night. While Zacari and Nadia huddled in the back with homework, I collapsed at a nearby table. I was in no shape to climb the stairs. I laid my head on the table as a tear rolled down my cheek.

My mother slid a sheet of paper to me. We were learning sign language, but I was the one falling behind. She still needed pen and paper to have basic conversations with me.

You sparked change in each other, but in order to grow, you have to do it alone.

She was probably right, but it hurt. I wasn't sure I'd ever experienced heartbreak before. And although I'd never experienced death, I was sure they felt the same. My heart literally felt like it'd been severed in two. And I couldn't help but blame myself for everything. I didn't want to grow if I couldn't do it with him.

"That's true, but..." My father ambled over.

For the first time in my life, I admired his hope. I wanted his hope. He actually thought Wren and I would get back together. If not now, someday. He said he believed Wren was my forever person. And although I was sure I messed it up, I secretly hoped Wren felt that way too.

"But?" I wanted him to finish. I wanted to live in the realm of hope just for a second, even if it wasn't mine to have.

He settled into his seat, calling over Zacari and Nadia. Within seconds, Shae's beaming face popped up on his tablet's screen.

"I gotta tell y'all something," he said. "Something like, last month, I think. Wren came by when y'all was out. He apologized to us for his mom mistreatin' yo Ma'. He said his mom prolly won't ever apologize, but we said if she did, we'd forgive her."

I twisted in my chair. "And she won't."

He chuckled like he was going to tell a joke, but looked at me and changed his mind. "He gave us his inheritance."

"Dang, so he rich rich," Zacari said.

At Zacari's comment, he and Shae bickered over who should get the money and how much. My father wouldn't give them a dime until they were eighteen. When Shae questioned the amount, all hell broke loose. He was accused of lying and thievery. My father had as much patience as I did.

He shut the entire family meeting down. Dismissing my younger siblings, he slid a wad of cash to me.

"I don't want it." I would never take Wren's money.

He huffed, looking over at my mother. Maybe they were betting on whether I would take it or not. When it seemed he'd lost, he took a few bills from the stack and slid it over. "Then take this. Just enough for a plane ticket."

A plane ticket? My father's hope was too big. I wasn't stupid enough to do something like that. "He doesn't want to see me, Dad."

He leaned forward and took my hand. "When I kicked you out, I was scared too. I was scared I couldn't do this without you and scared you was gonna get hurt. But when we had that fight, I knew you needed to be away from us. So you could grow. And he helped you do that. I don't think I ever seen you so happy." He smiled. A genuine smile that lit up his eyes. Even my mother ogled. "Yo problem is, you like to run. And you ran so far he couldn't catch you. Now, you gotta catch him. You gotta stop running for shelter. You not in danger anymore, Elanora."

I'm not in danger anymore. He was right. I've been so afraid of drowning, I never swam. Until Wren. And I had been waiting for a way out ever since. He taught me how to fly without fear. And at the first sight of danger, I left him to deal with it on his own. I didn't want to be that person anymore. He deserved someone better, but so did I. I deserved to show up for myself and to do what my heart desired. What was fear if I never challenged it?

My mother pushed one of Nadia's tarot cards towards me. Flipping it over, a bird emerged from a nest and the words at the bottom almost made me cry. Take flight.

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