Sometimes

16: Sometimes

Fiona stood in the foyer smiling graciously and thanking Dr. and Mrs. Singleton for a lovely meal. She promised to give her father their best. Alex stepped over and hugged her lightly, kissing her on the cheek. He seemed to have sobered up a bit.

"It was really nice to see you again, Fee." He whispered into her ear, his voice genuine. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier, truly. Please call."

Fiona pulled back gently, smiling up at Alex. "It was good to see you too Alex, thank you for showing me the family library. I'm glad you have so many happy memories of that time with your father." Alex smiled in appreciation and nodded as Fee exited. He had a sinking feeling that he blown any chance he had with Fiona Donovan.

Fee walked down the front stairs to find Jane smiling and waiting patiently. Reggie was with the car just steps away. "Good evening Ms. Donovan, may I escort you home?"

Fee nodded and smiled, "Yes, please Jane. Thank you."

Settled in the car, Jane watched Fiona carefully gaging how she was feeling. Fiona sat quietly watching the city pass by as she gazed out of the car windows. Fiona's eyes shifted to Jane and she caught her staring. Fee raised her eyebrow and smirked and teased, "Jane, would you like to ask me a question?"

Jane chuckled,"Please Ms. Donovan. I have so many." For her banter Jane was rewarded with laughter and a grin from Fiona. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I hope your evening was successful."

"I had a good evening, thank you." She paused, searching Jane's eyes and watching her carefully, "Did you have a successful evening?"

"Yes, Ms. Donovan. Any evening in which you walk away healthy and happy is a successful evening for me." Jane smiled and turned to look out the windows.

Upon arrival back at Fiona's condo Jane turned to Reggie, "Thank you Reggie for your attention to detail tonight. I will walk Ms. Donovan up and then I will walk back to my apartment."

Reggie smiled with gratitude, "You're welcome. And thank you Ms. Baker. I had a wonderful time with Agent Oliver today." Jane nodded and smiled knowing how much fun Agent Oliver's training could be.

Jane followed Fiona past the open kitchen and to the sofas and chairs in the living area. Fiona dropped onto the sofa pulling off her shoes and falling back into the cushions. Jane smiled down at her. "Ms. Donovan, will you be needing me this evening?"

Fee shifted her eyes to Jane in consideration,"No. I don't think I need you. But, I wouldn't mind your company for a little bit. Is that okay, or does that cross a line?"

"That's perfectly fine Ms. Donovan. You've had a full evening, I'm happy to stay until you feel settled." Jane sat down in one of the chairs across from the sofa.

"Thank you." Fiona met her eyes with sincerity,"I don't want you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. I know how much you value your professionalism."

"Thank you Ms. Donovan." The two women sat looking out at the skyline.

Fiona broke the silence,"So that was you at the library doors this evening." It was more a statement than a question, but Fiona was looking for confirmation.

"Ms. Donovan, I was never more than a few steps away from you at any time tonight. Your safety is my number one priority. If I can help you maintain that in a manner that doesn't compromise your business and personal relationships I will do that."

Fiona nodded in understanding. "Well, thank you. Thank you so much."

"Of course Ms. Donovan."

"Jane, will you always be honest with me?" Fiona looked directly into Jane's sharp blue-grey eyes in an unflinching manner.

Jane did not skip a beat, "Of course Ms. Donovan. You are my boss. I work for you."

"Except when you can't be honest, right?" Fee's voice was quiet and reflective.

Jane's voice was soft but full of conviction. "Correct. When the answers might jeopardize your safety or mine and are not absolutely necessary I will refrain from responding."

Fee nodded and continued to contemplate."What if I ask you a question that is personal in nature but doesn't require a detailed response? No real personal information?"

Jane grimaced, "That sounds like you're attempting to bend the rules Ms. Donovan. That can be dangerous too."

"Yes, I understand. Honestly, ever since you told me you're not a 'good' person you've got me in a twist."

Jane's brow furrowed in confusion and thought. "How do you mean Ms. Donovan?"

"What I mean to say is, I don't see it, Jane. I see good in you. So I wonder what else is there about you that I'm not understanding. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect sense."

"I feel like you have a distinct advantage in our relationship. Like you know so much more about me, so much more detail, and you have so much more insight into how I think and function. It doesn't feel 'fair.' Does that make sense too?"

"Perfect sense."

"So how do you suggest I handle this?" Fiona's eyes were clouded with thought and emotion and Jane balked in response.

"I'm so sorry Ms. Donovan. I understand this can be difficult. I guess it's so 'normal' to me it's hard for me to remember how emotionally taxing situations like this can be. I apologize."

"You don't have to do that, it's not your fault. It's just really hard for me to make that 'leap.'" Fee sighed and returned her gaze to the skyline.

Jane felt her chest tighten seeing her confused and in any degree of pain. She felt again a slipping of control and discipline. "Ms. Donovan?" Jane's voice was compassionate and soft, drawing Fiona's eyes back to her. "What would you like to know about me? What will help to ease your mind?"

"I think I'd like to know if you know what it means to love someone or something. Have you always been "not good"? I think I'd like to know that you're human in that way. I'd like to know that the person I have inserted into my life in such an intimate way is someone that cares about more than just a job." Fee watched Jane's face and she could see that she was struggling and frustrated. Fiona turned on the sofa and faced Jane fully. She leaned in and spoke softly and with determination. "So how about this? Do you know what love is? Not with a specific person. Not romantically necessarily. Do you understand love, attachment, and emotional need?"

Jane saw the calm green pools waver with intensity and deep thought. She found she could not deny Fiona an answer to her question. "Okay, Ms. Donovan." Jane took a breath, "I think the most honest answer is, 'I'm not sure.'"

Fiona's face immediately washed with sadness and Jane pressed on.

"I have wanted and needed people in my life. I have cared deeply for another person. I but I'm not sure I have given myself so completely and so wholly to another person that I would call it 'love.' I'm not sure I've ever been in a position that I felt I truly needed another person. So, does that mean the answer is 'no?' I don't know what love is?" Jane's voice was tight, not sad or angry, but strained.

Fiona saw it. Jane was, in fact, in pain. She just didn't understand it for herself. Fee considered the possibility that she might never come to terms with her pain and loneliness and therefore might never be emotionally available for love. "I'm sorry Jane. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. The last thing I want is for you to feel uncomfortable around me." Fee took a breath and hesitated for just a moment before asking, "Do you ever let anyone 'in'?

Jane responded in a matter-of-fact tone that surprised Fee. "No, never. There is too much risk, it's too dangerous."

"Are you lonely?" Fiona's eyes were filled with genuine concern and Jane found she could not look away. She was astounded by the depths of the young woman's compassion and selflessness.

Jane smiled softly, "No, Ms. Donovan. I am not lonely. I won't let myself be lonely."

Fee saw emotion in Jane's eyes, and thought, "she's lying to herself and she doesn't know it."

"Is it because it's a weakness? Is it because you can't really know loneliness if you don't know love?"

"Something like that Ms. Donovan." Jane watched emotion play across Fiona's face and the green eyes cloud with pain.

Fee stood up, "Thank you Jane, for spending a little extra time with me tonight." Fiona smiled softly in sadness and gratitude."I'm heading to bed, I'll text you tomorrow if I need you, but I plan to spend the day in."

Jane stood up and as Fiona stepped past her she could feel the energy in the air change between them. There was a tension and unspoken words hung heavy in the air. Jane asked Fiona quietly before she disappeared into the depths of the apartment, "Ms. Donovan? Are you lonely?"

A small, sad smile crossed Fee's lips, "Yes, Jane. Sometimes I am." She turned and walked away leaving Jane standing in a dark room feeling as if she was losing control.