If I Kissed You

19: If I Kissed You

Early Sunday evening Fiona looked down at her ringing phone in surprise and joy. "Daddio?! Is that you?"

Dr. Dononvan's voice was a perfect mirror of her joy,"Fee! I've missed you sweetheart!"

Fiona's eyes welled with tears and chest constricted at the sound of father's voice. "Where are you? Are you coming into town?"

"I'm in New York right now, I have to make a trip over to London, but I'll be back stateside for the 4th of July. I was hoping you'd come up to Boston for the day. I'll be visiting research labs at Boston College and then I thought, "dinner and fireworks with my girl?"

"That sounds amazing! I'd love to!" Fee felt again like a little girl who got to spend some special time with her father.

"Great! You can take a Mircopath jet up to Boston, I'll email you the details."

"Will I need to bring Ms. Baker with me? She's the new security detail."

"No sweetie, just have her bring you to the airport. I want you all to myself, and I have a group with me they can easily accommodate for you. I can't wait to see you! Love you!"

"Love you too Daddio!" Fee ended the call and experienced both feelings of joy and disappointment. She would have liked to have traveled with Jane to Boston.

----

Jane arrived at 8:30 and positioned herself at the kitchen counter falling into the familiar rhythm of reviewing the itinerary for the week. Fiona walked in and smiled at Jane's sharp eyes and pursed lips as she concentrated. Fee assumed that Jane was memorizing every possible detail. Jane looked up smiling,"Good morning Ms. Donovan."

"Good morning Jane. You look," Fiona wanted to say 'stunning' but instead said "like you're in deep concentration."

Jane smirked, sensing nuance in the hesitation. "Thank you Ms. Donovan, you look as beautiful as ever." Jane directed the conversation to business, "It seems like you have a pretty low key week."

"Oh yeah, about that." Fee watched Jane's reaction carefully, "My father called last night. I'll be traveling to Boston for the 4th of July to have dinner with him."

"No problem Ms. Donovan, I can easily make security accommodations."

"Well, you won't need to."

Jane stood up straight now, her eyes carefully weighing and measuring Fee. "I'm sorry Ms. Donovan?"

"My father indicated that I would only need to be escorted to the airport and then his team would take over."

Jane tensed, "I see. You should know Ms. Donovan, that I am not comfortable with that arrangement. I have been contracted to ensure your safety."

Fiona's brow furrowed. She was a little surprised by the intensity of Jane's response. She assumed that Jane might appreciate the distance. "I know Jane. But I'm certain that my father's team is quite capable."

"Of course they are. I have no doubt." Jane stepped around the counter and spoke with confidence and conviction. "But, Ms. Donovan, they are not me."

Fee's eyes widened at both Jane's proximity and the sound of her voice. Fiona stumbled over her words, "I ... I don't know ... I understand Jane ... but my father ... seemed confident. I trust him. I don't want to ... you know ... 'step on any toes.'"

Jane's eyes sharpened, "Ms. Donovan, I work for you. I will follow your directives but I want to be very clear with you. I think this is a mistake. I am the best thing for you and your safety, you know that. Would you please, please reconsider?"

Fee's heart skipped a few beats. Jane's words echoed in her ears. She was taken aback by Jane's unabashed plea and she swallowed thickly. "Ummmm." Fiona was torn on how to respond. In the end, she took a risk. She was genuine and compassionate, "Jane if it was up to me alone, I'd have you with me. Probably more than you're comfortable with." Jane shifted slightly back, surprised by the candid response.

"I think you know that I'm, intrigued by you. You've been very professional and made it clear to me that there are boundaries, and I respect that." Jane's gaze was steady and she nodded in understanding.

"When you say things like 'I'm the best thing for you' to me, it's like torture. I know you're not emotionally anchored in, but I am and I can't help it. So maybe some time away from you is a good thing. I will be safe."

Jane felt her head spinning. She considered the young woman carefully. She considered her safety and the operation. She considered her own feelings for Fiona. Her mouth opened to respond but no words passed over her lips.

Fee could see Jane struggling to formulate a response and she had never seen Jane hesitate in this way. She seemed more human, "softer," vulnerable.

Jane sighed, finally finding the words. "Ms. Donovan, this thing, this emotional attachment to me, it's dangerous. For you and for me. It's a normal occurrence in my line of work, I must always be on guard." Jane could see pain and sadness in Fiona's eyes and she herself felt agony in hurting her. "I have a job to do, your safety is my priority. It consumes my thoughts and actions everyday. Honestly, I think you are a uniquely special person, something rare and beautiful. I need to keep an emotional distance so that I don't fail with you. Failing you would be like failing the world, denying this world something it needs desperately."

Fee's eyes were filling with tears.

"I'm sorry Ms. Donovan, truly, but this infatuation? Interest? Curiosity? Flirting? It's my fault. I have let it slowly shape our relationship. It's become very real and very intense for you and a distraction for me. And it's way, way out of bounds for my line of work."

Fiona winced audibly at Jane's words. Jane's characterization of her feelings "a distraction," cut like a knife.

Jane paused, she leaned over the counter and looked at Fiona with compassion, "And, you are not gay. Are you?"

Fiona looked away, flushed with embarrassment. She swallowed painfully processing Jane's assessment but she did not lose herself. She did not lose perspective. She took a breath and responded with thought and conviction. "If you're asking me if I've been with a woman before, 'No.' If you're asking me if I'm trying to satisfy some curiosity or experiment, 'No.' I'm not interested in men or women, Jane. I'm attracted to people. And right now I'm not just attracted to you, I'm devastated by you." Fiona's gaze sharpened and her words landed in jarring measure. "If you're telling me that I'm a distraction? Well, all I can do is apologize. You're not a distraction to me, everything else is."

Jane was drawn in listening intently and unable to look away from Fiona.

Fiona's gaze was demanding and certain. Her voice was measured and even. "I can't look at you without losing my breath. You're stunning. I'm afraid to touch you and at the same time I feel a deep need to experience everything that you are. I know nothing about you but I ache with sorrow for you because I know that you are experiencing some deep transcendent pain. I can see it in your eyes even though you mask it well."

"I know that you will leave me and I'm terrified that I will miss the opportunity I have right now to share love with you. To help you understand the beauty in giving yourself over to someone completely. Even if it's for just a small part of your life, even if it's for just a moment." Fee moved around the counter, she looked into Jane's stunning eyes now filled with emotion, torment, and consideration. "So, no. I am not gay. I don't want to be with women. I want to be with you."

Jane was dumbfounded by Fiona's genuine and raw confessions. Breathing was effortful and painful. Again she looked upon this young woman and felt she was something very special in this world, something that she couldn't let herself destroy. "Ms. Donovan," the words passed over her lips quietly. Her voice was soft and filled with tension and restraint. "Ms. Donovan ... I ... cannot be this close to you."

Fiona stepped in closer, she turned her face into Jane's neck, her warm breath passing over the soft skin below Jane's jaw line. "Why not? I need you here with me. I want you to come with me to Boston. I want to be near you, desperately."

Jane flinched and swallowed, "I think you know why." She pulled slightly away, "I may not be able to control myself. I would make you mine. It would impact our 'contract,' and I want to be able to stay with you." Jane hovered there for a moment pushing Fiona's hair back and out of her face.

The light touch of Jane's fingers against Fee's cheek caused Fiona to gasp silently. She looked up into Jane's eyes and they were clouded with thought. "Please, Jane. Please."

"I'm desperately trying to be good for you Ms. Donovan." Jane struggled with her thoughts which were now racing and lacked the familiar confidence they usually had. "You've got me off balance. If there was a way I could ... Please, Ms. Donovan, won't you help me? Help me to be a good person?"

Fiona was surprised by the request and sighed considering Jane's inner conflict. "Jane, may I ask you a question?"

Jane nodded, "One question."

Fiona shifted again taking just a little more distance away. She was close enough to feel Jane's body tremble as her muscles tense with restraint. Her mouth was so close to Jane's they shared the same air. "Jane, if I kissed you, would you leave me?"

Jane winced at the question. Her eyes shifted from Fiona's calm green seas to her soft pink lips slightly parted and quivering. "Ms. Donovan, if you kissed me ..."

Fiona did not wait for the answer she moved in and let her mouth cover Jane's. At first her lips pressed gently and settled on Jane's unexpectant lips. Immediately Fiona's body rocked with sensory overload. Then Fiona slowly let her lips and tongue move, pulling Jane's mouth open. Fee's eyes rolled experiencing the woman's soft full lips. Her chest tightened and she felt her body shaking with arousal. Fiona's mouth was on fire, she felt sharp pangs of need and desire run through her body. She heard Jane sigh and felt her muscles relax as she reached up pulling her in.

Jane opened her mouth, giving herself over to Fiona's desire. Her heart raced and she was blinded by intense lust and guilt. It was a mind-blowing experience, she lacked the familiar control and focus she was used to. Jane battled for emotional and physical control using her tongue to gently stroke and explore Fiona's mouth forcing Fiona to calm her assault. Jane kissed her deeply and heard Fiona gasp with pleasure and felt her body shifting and straining in response.

Jane reached out putting her hands on the sides of Fiona's neck and head and guided her gently back, breaking the kiss. Her breath was uneven and her voice was heavy with desire. Her muscles were in pain and fighting to control her need. "Ms. Donovan, please. We cannot do this." Her body was screaming at her.

Fiona looked hurt and confused, "Why won't you let me in?"

Jane pulled away and gazed sincerely into Fiona's questioning eyes, Jane was taut with restraint. She looked again at Fiona's lips and she ached to take them. "I need you to help me be a good person. Right now. I need you to help me care about you enough to stop before I put you in a dangerous situation. I will not hurt you simply because I want to have you in this moment."

Fee's body ached and her heart constricted at Jane's confession that she wanted her. "It's not just about your wants." Fiona pleaded softly, "I know who you are. I know your limits. I'm willing to have you in any way I can."

Jane's gaze leveled, "Ms. Donovan, one step at a time. This is incredibly risky."

Fiona countered smoothly, "I think it's worth the risk."

Jane hesitated, Fee could see that she had broken through. Jane moved, closing the space between them she took Fiona's mouth into her own, kissing her softly and deeply stroking and tasting every part of Fiona's mouth. When she broke, shifting back, Fiona's eyes were dilated and she whimpered softly.

"Take me to Boston, Ms. Donovan."