I Have To

31: I Have To

Fiona felt cold. She rolled over reaching for Jane and her hand fell into empty space. She could smell Jane in the sheets and her taste lingered on her lips. She checked the clock, 11:15. Fee sighed, saddened that she would sleep alone again. She moved to the bathroom and stood in the hot water replaying the evening, finding that her encounter with Jane left her wanting her even that much more. Her stomach rumbled as she dressed in loose pajama pants and a t-shirt she reluctantly left the comfort of the bedroom in search of cold pizza or a bowl of cereal.

"Good evening Fee." Jane smiled as Fiona emerged looking refreshed and incredibly attractive dressed in the thin sleepwear.

Fiona squealed with joy at the sight of Jane at the kitchen counter dressed in jeans and light sweatshirt checking her phone. Jane laughed, "I just needed to stop over at the apartment. I came back for you."

Fee closed the distance to Jane and stepped in without hesitation, kissing her, throwing her arms around her neck, and smiling unapologetically. "I missed you."

Jane chuckled,"Fiona, I was only gone for 45 minutes. I've been back for an hour."

"Hmmmmmm. It felt longer. Hungry?"

"No, you go ahead. I ate. If I'm going to stay here tonight you're going to need your energy." Jane winked and Fiona felt a jolt of anticipation and desire shoot through her.

After Fiona refueled, Jane and Fiona spent the remainder of the evening discovering and rediscovering each other. Fiona came to understand what it was that Jane meant when she spoke of the things she loved about a woman. She immersed herself in Jane, listened intently to her, and responded to her body, learning over and over again how to give and receive. By the early morning both women lay wrapped up in bed completely spent. Just before Fiona drifted into sleep she murmured quietly in the dark,"This feels so right."

Jane stayed awake for a while, the words tumbling around in her head.

----

"Fee?" Fiona rolled over and this time when she woke she was rewarded with both the warmth of Jane's body and the vision of her resting her head in the pillows, and smiling. "Would you like me to take you into the office?"

Fee sighed, "Not really. I'd rather stay here, with you. I'm going to be pulling long hours the next couple of days trying to save Micropath Charities."

"I'm sorry, truly." Jane pushed back the hair from Fee's face. "I'm going to go get ready. I'll go into the office once I see you safely to Mircopath." She kissed Fiona gently on the forehead, dressed, and moved to the bedroom door. "I will be back for you."

----

Fiona sat at the conference table listening to the public relations representative, lawyers, accountants, and social media specialists bombard each other with data, opinion, and speculation. Three hours of sparring over the correct damage control plan left her head pounding.

"Okay, let's take a 30 minute break, people. Just stretch your legs, grab something to eat and drink."

Fiona sighed, she was struggling as she dealt with the emotional roller coaster of the last 24 hours. Only thoughts of Jane brought her moments of comfort. Courtney broke her from her thoughts, "Fee, an email just came in from Signature Innovations out of Brazil. I think you should take a look at it before we reconvene."

----

Jane stood by William's station looking over the screens as he reviewed her operation notes and Agent Poe's jacket.

"Here's what we have, Agent Baker. Agent Poe speaks 3 languages fluently, one is Portuguese. He may want to translate through you to speak with Ms. Donovan. If he does this, he is trying to communicate with you regarding the operation, but the messages will still be subtle." Jane nodded as William continued. "Agent Poe's specialty is threat elimination, not reconnaissance. He will take the lead with regard to termination of threats and collateral damage. The number one priority is to acquire the pathogen. Then, eliminate the threat and identify terrorist cells."

Jane's face revealed nothing but she was not comfortable with Fee's safety and value being determined by Agent Poe.

"A request has been sent for a tour through the Maryland Labs before he decides on donating a significant amount of funds. We think the pathogen is originating from these labs. As you know we don't think either of the Donovans are a primary target at this time, but our most recent intel suggests that there is a chance that Colin Donovan is involved."

"The chatter is indicating that there is an impending viral outbreak of an unknown kind and the Micropath would have necessary treatments to market in an exceptionally quick time frame. This could entirely be motivated by the billion dollar market. The recent scandal may have moved up the timeline. The individual that would stand to benefit the most, of course, would be Colin Donovan if he still had majority control. We're working now to find out who's next in line."

Jane nodded, "Thank you William." As she walked away her head was spinning. This could be very, very bad.

----

Jane sat waiting for Fiona in the lobby of the Micropath offices; it was already pushing 7pm. She kept turning the news from William over in her head, it wasn't long before Fee emerged from the elevators. "Hello Ms. Donovan." Jane smiled, she didn't realize how much she missed her until she saw her green eyes. "I hope you had a productive day."

"Yes, thank you Jane. We have a lot to talk about. How about over dinner."

"Reggie is waiting."

Jane and Fiona sat at a small table in the back of Raski. They sat quietly eating with only occasional light conversation. They shared an unspoken agreement. Food first. Fiona liked watching Jane eat. She was deliberate and tactical in her mannerisms, dismantling the food systematically. She herself ate in chaos, whatever held her attention in the moment, she mixed bites, she would eat dessert first if she could. As the meal slowed Jane looked up and saw Fee staring at her, she grinned. "Fee, would you like to ask me a question?"

"Yes, please." Fee laughed lightly.

"Jane, do you have family?"

"Fee, you know I can't talk about that." Jane was tight.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." Fee's eyes flashed with regret. "I just want to know you. I want to have a piece of who you really are before you leave me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to feel the way I do about you, knowing that you are not 'you?'"

Jane's face and voice softened, "I know Fiona. I don't want to think about leaving you either."

"You could stay. You know you could." Fiona was matter-of-fact. "You could find work in the same industry that wouldn't require you to leave me." When Jane didn't immediately respond Fee dropped her eyes in sadness.

"Fee, please." Jane's voice was strained and soft. "Can't you please let me love you here and now?"

"I thought I could. I'm sorry, I really did think I could." Fee swallowed thickly. Her eyes burned. "I'll do my best. I won't ask you again."

Jane nodded feeling guilty, she knew that she had let their relationship spin out of control. She tried to redirect the conversation and another shot of guilt ran through her knowing that it was an operational inquiry. "Fee, why don't you tell me about your day. Rough?"

Fiona sighed, switching gears. "Yes, we're reeling from the scandal. Everyone has an opinion of the best way to solve the problem and with law enforcement, lawyers and accountants involved there are only so many things that can be done. There is a company interested in donating to Mircopath, but they want to see our operations first."

Jane nodded, "Is that normal?"

"Not really. But with the recent scandal it's not an entirely unreasonable request. They are a tech firm out of Brazil. It does feel a little 'odd' given the timing. So we'll spend the next couple of days having our security vet Mr. Poe and his company and plan out a suitable itinerary. I'm going to have dinner with him at the end of the week and if all goes well he'll tour early next week."

"Fiona, don't forget to send me all the information as you solidify your plans so I can make sure you're taken care of."

"Thank you Jane. I won't." Fee paused, "Oh, and I think Dad will be coming into town a couple of days before the New York gala to touch base with the offices here in D.C."

"Oh great!" Jane laughed lightly. "I'll wear my Boston College t-shirt."

Fee smiled and laughed too, "Dad would be surprised. If he knew that it was you. If he knew what you meant to me." Fiona swallowed, "I'm surprised too. How much you mean to me." Jane's chest tightened but she did not fill the silence with a response. "He's kind of socially stunted Jane." Fee grimaced. "He spends most of his time in a lab or in a boardroom. But he's most comfortable in the lab. His E.Q. is not as high as I would like. I think my mom probably was a good balance to his personality."

"So he knows because you told him, but he doesn't understand. I see. How does your dad feel about running a company so large and so successful?" Jane was truly curious.

Fee grinned,"I think he 'leans' on a lot of people."

"Are you excited about his impending retirement?"

"Yes. He spent a lot of time in the lab while I was growing up. When mom died he kind of buried himself in his work." Fiona's eyes clouded with memory and sadness, "But, the time we did spend together always seemed like it was made just for us."

Jane heard love and devotion in Fee's voice. She was happy for Fiona but was also concerned. Her father's unknown involvement in the viral threat was heavy in her thoughts. If Fee's father was involved Jane was certain that Fiona would not survive the fallout. At the same time Jane simply could not imagine that circumstance. If Dr. Donovan was in any way remotely like his daughter; he had nothing to do with the threat.

Fee watched Jane's face carefully trying to read the emotion in her eyes. She sighed, "I guess I can't ask you about your parents?"

"No Fee." Jane smiled softly. "Let's get you home."

----

Jane walked Fiona into the kitchen. "Okay, I'm going to leave for tonight. I've got some work yet to do, but I will be back for you tomorrow morning."

Fee moved in and kissed Jane slowly and softly,"Do you have to?"

Jane's body responded but she felt the need to create some distance after her most recent conversation with Fee. "Yes. I have to." She could see the disappointment wash over Fiona. "Fee, you're beautiful, you're perfect. You have more of me than any other person has ever had. I don't want to leave you, I have to." Jane's words felt weighty and foreboding.

Jane stepped away kissing Fee softly on her forehead, "I will be back for you."