My Name Is ...

34: My Name Is ...

Jane and Fiona returned to the condo immediately after the fitting. Both women seemed acutely aware of the time as it slipped quickly away. Jane stopped by her apartment to change and check in with the Post Office. She returned in her BC t-shirt and shorts and found Fiona sitting on the sofa, with her back resting against an arm, looking out over the water. Jane moved to the sofa drawing Fiona's attention. "Hello Fee, may I join you?"

"Please." Fiona's eyes drifted over Jane."Wow, you look so good. No glasses?!"

"Oh Fee, you know me better than that!" Jane pulled the spectacles from her back pocket and placed them across her face and low on her nose she slowly pushed them up into place.

Fiona audibly gasped, "You're killing me! Come sit down."

They sat for almost 45 minutes before Jane gently broke the spell. "Fee? How are you feeling?"

"Mmmmm? Good, I'm loving this. You?"

Jane nodded, "Me too. I like 'slowing down' with you. It's easy and comforting."

"But ...?"

Jane grimaced, "But we still have a contract. What do you have left to prepare for New York? And how can I help you?"

"We have a day and half before we leave for New York. You are the only thing I want to focus on. All I need to do for New York is pack."

Jane smiled, shifted from underneath Fiona's legs and crawled up over her. Fiona reached up and gently pulled the Raybans from Jane's face completely revealing her beauty. She wrapped her legs around Jane's waist, welcoming her in. Jane kissed her softly on the lips. She released a deep sigh and then hovered above Fiona concentrating on her face, memorizing it. Fiona could see clearly what she was doing. Her own thoughts drifted to all the things she had come to love about the woman.

Jane examined Fiona's eyes, pouring herself into the woman and the moment. She pulled back slightly so she could see Fiona completely. "Fee, may I ask you a question?"

Fee looked at Jane and the corner of her mouth in a crooked smile. "Yes, Jane. Of course. No question is 'out-of-bounds.'"

Jane chuckled but then leveled her gaze at Fee. "You love me Fiona, right?" Fiona nodded.

"Why? Why does it hurt so bad? I feel like I'm being torn apart."

Fee's breath caught in her throat and her eyes widened at the directness of the question. The words came filled with an emotion that Fiona could not contain. "Love hurts in so many ways. Because it is pure, unadulterated, fearlessness and joy. It's a constant ache, a neediness that sits with you in your most vulnerable moments." Fiona's eyes burned, "Sometimes it hurts when you are so close you can't tell where you stop and where it begins. It hurts when you have it, and, it hurts when you lose it. Yes I love you, and yes it hurts." Fiona watched Jane's eyes flood with understanding and anguish.

Fiona drew Jane in speaking softly and deliberately to the woman she loved.

"I love you more than anyone I have ever known."

"I love you and I'm dying inside because of it."

"You'll leave me, my heart will break, and I will love you still.

"I'll love you as hard as I can for as long I live."

Tears spilled from Fee's eyes in a complex mix of pain, devotion, and need.

"I'll think of you and wonder if you're safe."

"I'll wonder if you're happy or suffering."

"I'll think about your body and who might be hurting you and who might be loving you."

"I'll wonder if you'll remember how much I love you."

Jane listened to Fiona's confessions and she felt she couldn't breathe. She felt joy and conflict, guilt and shame, she shared in the power of Fee's declaration and she felt vulnerable.

Fee searched Jane's eyes, her heart ached for Jane's pain too."It's not your fault. I knew, you warned me. This suffering is self-inflicted. I thought if I loved you enough, it wouldn't matter."

Jane moved to Fee gently pulling her face close, kissing the tears from her eyes and burying her face into Fee's hair and neck whispering,"I'm so sorry Fiona. I never wanted to hurt you in this way." Jane spoke to her in soft, broken, pained, statements. "I tried so hard not to fall in love with you. I tried so hard to stay away but you pulled me in. Now, I love you and I can't be with you."

Jane's body shook with devotion and anguish. "I'm not sure that the word "love" captures what I'm feeling for you. It's so alien and different for me. I'm so sorry Fiona." Jane's heart seized with emotions that were unfamiliar to her. She looked into Fiona's green calm seas.

Fee let a sob escape. All she could do was murmur breathlessly, "I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ..." Fiona turned into Jane and kissed her through their tears, trembling with emotion.

When she broke the kiss Jane pulled back slightly, barely whispering in the intimate space. "If I tell you my name Fiona, it will only hurt that much more when I leave."

Fiona covered Jane's mouth kissing her with passion, with need, with deep, fearless love. Jane felt like she was kissing pure unfiltered, raw emotion. She opened her mouth trying to devour Fiona physically and emotionally, not wanting to let her go. Fiona felt Jane pull her into the kiss and press their bodies together. Jane whimpered, overwhelmed by Fiona's devotion.

Fiona broke the kiss slowly, her tears still lingering. She whispered breathlessly in the shared space and with a conviction in her voice that would not be denied. "If you tell me your name, then I can love you that much more before you leave me."

Agent Baker hesitated. She pulled back just enough to see calm, certain green eyes. "Avery." She uttered the highly guarded secret, her voice barely audible. It sounded so unfamiliar and strange to her as it filled the space. "My name is Avery."

Fee heard the name and it echoed in her ears. She looked at the woman and thought "Not Jane, Avery." She whispered it out loud trying out the name, "Avery. Your name is Avery." Fee was surprised at how right it felt. "It's perfect. Avery." Fiona grinned, she wanted to say her name as much as possible. She wanted Avery to hear her name spoken with love.

Avery grinned into Fee's mouth, she chuckled, enjoying Fee's reaction and the sense of relief in sharing the secret. Fiona smiled back enjoying the moment. When Avery calmed her giggling she whispered in sincerity. "No one can know Fiona. Only you. You have a part of me now that no one else knows anymore. It's a name, buried in a file, hidden away. It's for you and me alone."

Fee smiled, "Don't worry Avery. No one but you will ever hear that name pass over my lips." Fiona kissed Avery slowly, deeply, declaring her love as she gasped for air and pulled her down into the sofa.

Avery pulled and tugged until they were both naked and wrapped up in each other. "Fee, now. Now I will have you screaming my name." Fiona's body shook with anticipation, desire, and unconditional love.

As promised, Avery completely overwhelmed Fiona. Shattering her over and over again. Fee cried out in ecstasy, she murmured, she whispered, she screamed, "Avery." At the sound of Fiona's declarations, exclamations, and pleading Avery was driven beyond anything she had ever experienced. She remembered her name, she remembered herself.

Avery and Fiona barely left each other's company over the next day and a half. On a few occasions Avery left to get updates or check in with the Post Office, but for the most part they simply shared time and space. Fiona never missed an opportunity to remind Avery that she loved her. Avery spent a good bit of her time taking in Fiona and all her nuances, cataloging and memorizing.