Nicoli: Chapter 19

I hate him. But I don’t.

We shouldn’t be doing this, and I shouldn’t want this, but I’m so tired of fighting. Just once I want my thoughts to be silent and my heart to be still. All I want to hear is the swoosh of adrenaline and the heavy breaths Nicoli exhales against my throat.

I want him to touch me and never stop. I need him to kiss me and never let go. But I’m supposed to hate him. I’m supposed not to want him. He hurt me, but my body seems to have forgotten that. This is insanity. It’s madness. But I’ve never been more alive than I am right now. His touch, the way he looks at me, his lips burning mine—it’s fiery chaos and consuming me too fast.

I move rhythmically against him, grinding myself against his thick thigh lodged between my legs, panting heavily with desire.

“You’re making a mess on my thigh, Hummingbird.”

“Just like I made a mess on Paula’s face.”

He moans something harsh against my ear that makes me shudder, and I can’t control the whimpers that escape me.

“I need to feel you, Hummingbird.” His voice is strained, as if he’s holding back and it’s causing him physical pain. “Fuck.”

I clutch his hair tighter between my fingers. “Fucking do it, Nicoli. Here. Now.”

“God, you’re killing me right now.” He flexes hard, his cock pressing against my hip, and I move my body from side to side, giving him just enough friction to drive him insane.

“You’re going to make me lose my mind,” he rasps, his lips tense as he tries to control himself.

“Then walk away.”

“I don’t see that happening.”

I pull his hair, yanking his hair back, and he hisses with a wicked grin. “Walking away has always been easy for you.”

His hand encloses my throat, and he squeezes hard, his mouth open as he brushes his lips up and down my cheek, breathing heavily. “You think staying away from you was easy?”

“It sure looked that way.”

“You only saw what I wanted you to see.”

“I know. That’s why you left your bedroom door open while you fucked Paula, remember?”

“I remember wanting to lick your pussy in the goddamn hallway.”

Desire drenches my panties, and he slides his other hand between us, palming my sex underneath my dress, causing me to lean my head back as the sensation rushes over me. “I remember wanting to slip a finger into you, feel your heat from the inside.”

“Nicoli,” I breathe, lifting my arms and settling them against the mirrored wall, his fingers teasing me through my panties.

“I remember going back to my room and making myself come all over my goddamn sheets.”

“God,” I moan as he finds my clit.

“And it wasn’t the first time, either.” He kisses my chin, then drags his tongue along my jaw, his finger increasing the rhythm between my legs, the exquisite pressure building inside me. “Every time I jerked off, it was you I imagined touching. And every time I fucked another woman—” he pulls my panties to the side, sliding a finger into me, causing me to moan out loud “—it was your face I saw, Hummingbird. It was your body writhing against mine, your tits I sucked.” He palms my breast, his finger slipping and out of my pussy while his thumb presses harder on my clit. “It was your cunt I was buried in. It’s always been you, Mirabella. Always.”

The tether snaps, and control explodes into fragments of nothing as I come around his finger, his name escaping my lips with a long, shuddering gasp. My mind, my body, my thoughts are all consumed with a rapture I’ve never experienced before. It’s so intense I can’t stop shaking.

My hips move in desperate circles, wanting to feel every last drop of pleasure that gushes into his palm.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he rasps. “So fucking beautiful.”

Remnants of my orgasm linger, but I’m still hungry. I’m far from sated because I want him inside me. I want to feel his cock stretch me as he drives into me with hard, relentless thrusts, filling me until I can’t stop myself from screaming.

It’s insane, but I want him to hurt me. I want him to be rough and lose control with me.

“I want to fuck you, Hummingbird.”

“Then fuck me.”

His lips slam onto mine, kissing me so hard it hurts. His hands are all over me all at once, his hips thrusting and body moving—the beat of the music amplifying every touch, every kiss, every drunk thought as we writhe against each other.

“You deserve more than a quick fuck against a nightclub’s wall,” he murmurs between kisses. “Your first time can’t be like this.”

“Um, yeah, it’s not my first time.”

His body turns to stone, and he stops abruptly. “What did you say?”

My breathing is a rapid mess. “It’s not my first time.” I add an eyeroll for effect.

“It’s not…your first time?” His eyes are bright and furious as he levels me with a glare. “You’re not a virgin?”

I almost laugh at how taken aback he is. “No, Nicoli. I’m not. Why do you look so surprised?”

His jaw tics, his expression hard. “Who?”

“You don’t know him.”

With a growl and a hiss, he grabs my arm and starts dragging me toward the exit, shoving people out of the way, spilling their drinks, and almost knocking them over.

“Nicoli, stop.”

He doesn’t. He’s a raging hurricane ready to destroy anything in his path. And as we reach the side entrance, he yanks open the door, pulling me behind him, my heels barely touching the sidewalk as he storms toward his car. The air is cold, and a shiver ripples through my bones, faint drops of rain falling on my naked shoulders, my skin soaking it up.

“Nicoli, what are you—”

He pulls me close and presses my front against the side of his Maserati, the steel cold against my stomach. His hands claw at the hem of my dress, bunching it around my waist just as he forces my legs farther apart with his knee. He’s rough, out of control, his breaths fiery exhales of lust that singe my skin. Rain starts pouring down harder, the droplets cool against my heated skin, seeping through the fabric of my dress.

I raise my hips, inviting him to take me right here, right now, in the street where anyone can walk by and see us. But I don’t care. I don’t give a shit if a tour bus full of foreign old people stops across the road to watch. I’m too drunk on him, too invested, and too damn hungry for him.

He hooks a finger into my thong, tearing it off with such force the lace cuts my skin. But I don’t feel pain. All I feel is the throbbing ache of my empty sex, drenched and begging to be fucked and used by a man I’ve desired for so long. It feels like a dream, a vivid fantasy I’ve conjured up in the middle of the night. God, I hope I don’t wake up.

He reaches inside his pants, and I can’t stop myself from moving my hips, pushing it outward when he drags the tip of his cock down the slit of my ass. “Nicoli, please fuck me.” I’m desperate and don’t care if my dignity lies in tatters next to my broken body once he’s done. All I care about is the here and now.

His dick nudges at my entrance, my insides electrified with anticipation. “At least this won’t hurt,” he murmurs. “Much.”

He plunges into me hard, and I cry out, raindrops lapping down my lips. Nicoli buries his face in the back of my neck, his hot breath coating my skin in fiery bursts. I reach for him over my shoulder, bracing myself for his onslaught, my hair clinging to my wet cheeks. He doesn’t give my body time to adjust around him, rears back, and plunges back in deep, the pleasure so intense I can’t take a breath. But it’s exquisite, the feel of his thick girth and hard length inside me, and I’m already addicted. I want more. So much more.

His body pins me against the car as he thrusts faster and harder, each plunge more ferocious than the last. My moans reach a higher pitch every time he sinks into me, hitting against my core. His grunts are messy cries laced with pleasure, both of us possessed and consumed by a haze of lust and a desperation for release. It’s as if years of pent-up desire finally exploded, and there’s no stopping it. No controlling it. We’re lost, and I don’t want to be found. I want to stay here forever while Nicoli fucks me in the rain, claiming me and losing control.

“Faster,” I demand, and he snakes an arm around my waist, pulling me hard against his body so he sinks in deeper.

“Come on my cock, baby girl,” he demands with breathless gasps. “I want you all over me.”

My whimpers and moans shoot up to the fucking stars, and now I’m moving, too, meeting his erratic thrusts as the pressure climbs, building until everything inside me erupts.

“Oh, God, Nicoli.”

His hand grips my hair and pulls my head back. “I’m going to pump my cum so deep inside you, it’ll be like there’s been no one before me.”

“I’m…I’m going to come.”

He reaches around my neck and plants his palm over my mouth. My lips are agape and eyes closed as I throw my head back, coming so hard my legs tremble and body shakes. A rush of euphoria grips every muscle tight, my blood singing with pleasure.

His groans fill my ears, his hips moving in strong, tight jerks, his cock pulsing against my inner walls as he comes inside me. Time is frozen, and the world no longer turns. We’re both soaked, the rain pelting down, our hot breaths forming mist that disappears into the night.

“Fuck. What are you doing to me, Hummingbird?”

My heart constricts. “I love it when you call me that.”

“You’ll always be my hummingbird.” There’s a promise that rings in his words, and I soak it up, let it penetrate my chest so it engraves in my heart. “I need to know.”

“Know what?”

He pulls out of me, and I wince, instantly mourning the loss. But he slips his hand between my legs, dragging his fingers through my slit, then forces it into my mouth, spreading the taste of his cum mixed with mine on my tongue. I enclose my lips around his fingers, lapping and sucking every last drop of it. The two of us mixed together tastes like sin.

“A name,” he orders with a heavy breath along my ear.

“What?” I blurt while my body still shakes with tremors of pleasure.

“Who is it?” he bites out with a low tenor. “Who touched you?”

“Oh, my God. Are you serious?”

“Give me a fucking name, Mira.”

“Just one?” I didn’t know his eyebrows could go that high, and it was a dick move on my part, but anger has been the most emotion I’ve ever been able to get out of him. So, I’ll take it.

Angry fingers wrap around my throat. “Don’t fuck with me, Mirabella. Who is it?”

“You just fucked me against your car out in the damn street, and that’s the first thing you say to me? What the hell is wrong with you?’ I try to push myself away, but Nicoli is a brick wall that makes it impossible.

“Rather, ask me what’s not wrong with me. The list is shorter.”

“Get your hands off me, Nicoli.”

“I need his fucking name.” He punches his fist into the roof of his car, and I no longer find his shock amusing. He’s angry. He’s furious, and he’s scaring me.

“Get off me!” I push him away and quickly yank my dress over my thighs. I’m flustered and out of breath when I turn to face him, his mouth a taunting sneer and the veins in his neck bulging with the strain of restraint he’s trying to hold on to.

My heart thumps violently. “I told you, you don’t know him.”

“I need a name.”

“Why?”

“So I can slit his throat.” Nothing in his expression says he’s not serious, a murderous rage flashing in his eyes.

“You’re an asshole.”

“That’s not a name, Mirabella.”

“No!” I slap my palm hard against his chest. “No! You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to be jealous.”

He steps back, wiping the back of his hand across his nose, fuming. “Who in this motherfucking city had the balls to touch you?”

“No one! And you made sure of that, didn’t you?”

“Because no one has the right to touch what’s—”

“Yours?” I snap. “Newsflash, I’m not yours. I’m not fucking yours. You don’t own me.”

“Believe me. I know that.”

“Then why are you acting this way?”

“Because if I can’t have you, no one can!” His voice slams against the asphalt, his words like metal with sharp edges.

“What did you expect? That I’d spend my life alone, waiting for the day you’d hopefully love me back while you fucked every woman in this entire goddamn city? You selfish asshole.”

He launches at me, towering over me with a threatening stance, eyes burning into mine. “You have no idea how fucking hard it is to stay away from you when all I want—all I’ve ever wanted was you.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I was protecting you.”

“From what?”

“Me!”

I search his face in confusion. “What are you saying?”

“That I love you, goddammit, Mira!”

My entire world comes to a screeching halt, and my heart explodes inside my chest. Neither of us moves. We don’t even breathe under the weight of his confession. That’s when I see it, a fleeting glimpse of vulnerability hidden behind the anger that burns in his gaze. It’s a sight I’ve never seen before. A softness I never knew he had.

“I fucking love you. I always have. But I can’t be with you Mira, and it is fucking eating me alive.”

I lean back against his car, afraid I might fall. “Why…why can’t you be with me?”

The mask he always wears so well slips back on, and I know the moment it does. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Are you serious right now?’

“Mira—”

“You tell me you love me and always have, but you can’t be with me. And that it doesn’t matter?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Of course, it’s complicated. You’re a Del Rossa. Everything with you is complicated. I’ve been in this family long enough to know that there will always be secrets, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with not knowing everything, Nicoli. But what I’m not okay with is you saying you love me but can’t be with me without giving me a reason. That’s bullshit.”

He pulls a tense hand through his hair, letting out an agonized groan, his dark hair clinging to his face, rivulets of water running down his cheeks. “This is all fucked up. I knew if I lost control with you, I’d fuck it all up. I always do.”

“You always do what?”

“Hurt you. No matter how hard I try to protect you, I always end up hurting you in the process.”

My throat tightens, and my heart knows it’s about to get plundered. “What are you saying?”

He looks away, unable to look me in the eye, when he softly speaks. “Maybe I’m not supposed to love you.”

“But you do.” I blink hard, trying to stop the onslaught of emotion threatening to pour out.

Suddenly, he’s in front of me again, his features etched with pain and despair. He grabs my face between his hands and presses his forehead against mine. His breathing is labored, his body shaking. “Please believe me when I say that everything I do, I do because I love you with every fucking fiber of my being.” He kisses me so tenderly it almost feels unreal. “But I can’t love you and protect you, Hummingbird. Believe me. I would if I could.”

Tears slip freely down my cheek as I try to nestle deeper into him, inhaling his scent and needing his warmth. None of this makes sense. I refuse to believe love would exist between two people if it’s not written in the stars. But I promised myself that Nicoli Del Rossa will never hurt me again, and I refuse to let what happened between us tonight change that.

I lift my arm and place my hand against the skin of his neck, his forehead still resting on mine, and whisper, “Leave.”

“Hummingbird, I’m sorry.”

“Just…leave, Nicoli. Get the fuck away from me and leave me alone.”

The weight in the air suffocates me, and neither one of us moves. The air is thick and heavy, crushing me inch by inch while we stand there in silence.

But finally, he nods solemnly, his touch against my skin fleeting as he steps back. He stares into my eyes for a few more seconds as if hesitating or trying to convince himself that walking away is him doing the right thing.

He turns away without another word and walks off toward the club. I’m left standing there with a million unanswered questions burning inside me like fire, watching him walk away from me like I’m some whore he just fucked. Like he does with all the others.

The adrenaline that’s flooded my system almost the entire night is dissipating, churning and spinning into regret and sadness. If it weren’t for the ache between my legs that reminded me of what Nicoli and I just did, I would surely think it was all a dream. A nightmare.

I turn toward his car and swipe at the tears, hating myself for crying over him again. It seems it’s all I’ve been doing. Hurting and crying over a man who says he loves me yet can’t be with me. I don’t know what’s worse…to love a man I know will never be mine because he doesn’t love me back? Or to not be able to be with the man I love even though he loves me, too?

“Mirabella?”

I look up at a man walking toward me. I recognize him when he steps out of the shadows and into the dim light of the streetlamp, his white shirt soaking wet and clinging to his chest.

“Felix?” Oh, Jesus. I completely forgot I had called him earlier, asking him to join us. It was a stupid move. Stupid, stupid move. Too bad I only realize that now.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you inside the club, but it seems the real party is out here.” Felix grins wickedly as he settles in front of me, wiping his wet hair from his face.

“I was just on my way inside,” I say, licking rain from my lips.

“We can just stay out here,” he says, stepping closer, his brown eyes glinting under the light until he walks out of the yellow sphere and into the dark.

I glance around, seeing no one else. “Um…no. I…um, I think I’d like to go home now. So, I need to go find my friends. I’m sorry,” I say, squinting through the rain. “I know I invited you, but I…I really just want to go home.”

“I just got here.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m really sorry.” I clutch my arms tight and try to walk past him when he steps in and blocks my way.

“You know. Some would consider it rude to invite a guy who has made it clear he’s interested in you to your birthday party, and then you fuck another guy in the parking lot.”

My face flushes, warning prickling the back of my skull. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, come, now. You wouldn’t have let him fuck you out here in the open if you didn’t want to be watched.”

“Screw you,” I exclaim and attempt to walk away from him again. But this time he reaches out, straightening his arm in front of me.

“Felix, please. My friends are waiting for me,” I say in the calmest way I can muster.

“Word on the street is the Del Rossa brothers like to share.” With a sideways glance, his dark eyes show me that he has nothing but wicked intentions. “I’m sure he won’t mind, you know—” he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth “—if I blow my load in your cunt as well. I’m sure there’s more than enough space in that womb of yours for two men’s cum.”

A sickening surge of bile floods my stomach, my instincts screaming at me to run. So, I do. I try to run past him, but his hand snakes around my waist, forcing me against him as he picks me up.

“Let me go!” I shriek and start to thrash, scream, and kick, my heart a flurry of panic. I manage to loosen his hold, but as my feet hit the ground and I try to take the gap, he grips the back of my neck, and a searing pain shoots down my spine as he pulls me hard, forcing me down face-first onto the hood of Nicoli’s car.

“You can’t run from this.”

“No! Don’t fucking touch me!” I’m squirming violently, trying to reach back and scratch his arms, his hands, any piece of him I can find. But he grabs my hands and squeezes them so hard I cringe from the ache that spreads up my arms as he pins them behind my back.

“You see,” he snarls in a menacing voice, pressing his body hard against mine, leaving me gasping for air as he pins me against the car. “No one says no to me.” I can practically hear the cruel smile in his voice. “Unless you want it this way? You can scream if you like. Otherwise, you can just stand here and enjoy getting fucked again.”

“Please don’t.” My fear multiplies, and it’s choking me as a heavy panic crushes me, forcing air from my lungs.

“Don’t worry. I’ll fuck you so much better than he did.” He’s reaching into his pants, and I’m thrashing hysterically, my tears burning like acid and thoughts racing, yet I can’t seem to comprehend what the hell is happening. This can’t be happening. Please, God. I’m trying to fight and push him away, but he’s too strong, forcing my legs apart with a jerk, and I start to heave when his cock touches my thigh.

God, no. This isn’t happening. It’s not fucking happening!

“Felix, stop! Please stop.”

There’s a sudden loud crack that slices through the air, deafening me. A gush of warm liquid splashes onto my back and neck, and something hard and heavy almost knocks my legs from under me as it drops with a thud by my feet.

I’m crying, sobbing, paralyzed by fear. My arms and legs are shaking, my spine trembling and skin ice cold as I slowly turn to the side, glancing down to see Felix on the ground. Blood oozes from his temple, seeping into the asphalt and pooling around my heels, and I don’t know what the fuck it is I’m looking at.

I glance up and find Nicoli standing to my right, rage twisting his features, his body rigid as if his muscles had turned to steel. His fingers move with precision as he works the action on his gun and slides it back, ejecting the empty bullet casing. My stomach lurches upward. A sickening rush of nausea forces its way up my throat, and I jerk to the side, vomiting all over Felix’s dead body.

My mind is a complete blank, every sound muffled by the ringing in my ears. It’s like my mind short-circuits, and all I see are flashes of dark and light. It’s all an incoherent mess, hazy and unfocused.

Strong arms wrap around me, and I’m too weak to fight. Too weak to scream. There’s pain everywhere, but I don’t know where it’s coming from.

A familiar warmth penetrates the fog, slowly spreading all over my skin.

“I got you, Hummingbird. I got you.”