Chapter 56

He isn’t Matthew. He isn’t Matthew. He isn’t Matthew.

Sophia kept telling herself, over and over again, since she knew how mantras had helped her in the past, she didn’t know what else she could do at that moment as she sat so tightly with her back pressed against the car door, pushing and pushing as though she thought she could impossibly make herself get further away from him.

It’s Neil. You trust him, remember? You trust Neil. You trust Neil. You trust Neil.

Neil, who was this shifter male she was watching with wide eyes across from her, trying to get her to push through her irrational panic response to what just happened. Neil, who was holding his hands up to her placatingly, trying to get her to breathe deeply so the terror taking hold of her could subside and loosen its vice-grip. Neil, who was keeping his distance, but who looked like he wanted nothing else than to scoop her up in his arms and hold her until her fear would vanish. Neil, who Sophia could see, was in pain because he couldn’t do that for her for fear of making it worse.

Every time she would go into a flat out panic state, Neil would usually hold her and make it better, but this time he was the one that had brought it about, both of them had. Both of them had lost control. Both of them hadn’t considered the consequences. Both of them had forgotten about her past. So, what usually worked, didn’t count anymore.

“I’m okay,” she rasped, as she felt that enough of the panic had left her to be able to speak and think partly again, but her breathing and heart rate wasn’t nearly back to a regular pace yet.

“Fuck,” Neil swore to himself, looking like he was in agony and wanted to puke. “Sophia, I don’t know what I was thinking–I’m so sorry. I should have known. I can’t believe–”

“Just get me home, please,” she begged. Feeling her chin starting to tremble involuntarily, Sophia knew that she was about to start crying. Something else she could never seem to stop from happening after an episode like the one she’d just had.

She could see and feel all the hate, blame, and indignation he directed toward himself in his eyes as he tore them away from her quietly, and started driving back to the apartment. Sophia knew he was having a losing inward battle, breaking himself down and hating every single fiber in his being, as she felt herself doing the same.

She could feel that dark, dark storm raging within him as he drove, and didn’t know how he was still able to move, much less still be driving on the right side of the road.

All she wanted to do was fall apart and curl herself into an eternal ball of despair, never to come out from it ever again, and that was just from getting pieces of what he was feeling mixed in with her own. She could only imagine how that disastrous storm was wreaking havoc within the man himself.

Crying and frustrated as hell, she wanted to reach over and take his hand within hers to let him know that she didn’t blame him, and that it wasn’t his fault that she was damaged goods. But even though she tried to ignore her trembling fear and just fucking take his hand already, she still couldn’t.

Neil was still silently driving, seeming to be in a different realm as his eyes were filled with an empty darkness, while his face was still contorted in unadulterated horror and anger at the same time.

Please, don’t blame yourself, Neil, Sophia desperately pleaded with him, hoping he could still hear her thoughts since she couldn’t say it, but he still appeared to be caught within another world.

The more the Jeep covered distance, the less she felt her thoughts being panic-ridden, which resulted in her turning on herself as well once she was able to think a bit more clearly.

I thought you weren’t a victim anymore…

Where is that oh so confident and undaunted Sophia now? She admonished herself.

She could feel that whatever resolve, whatever self-assuredness, whatever just about anything she had thought she’d been able to muster in the past weeks, had simply just fallen away. Replaced by a gnawing void, swirling its tendrils of smoky hopelessness, constricting her chest and making it hard to breathe.

Whether Neil had been able to read her thoughts, or if he was able to feel her internally breaking down everything she’d built over the time she had been living with them, and slowly creeping back into her little mouse hole, his head snapped to her, his eyes fierce with protest.

“Don’t you ever think it has all been for nothing,” he said sharply but softened his gaze the moment he realized how he sounded. “Soph, you didn’t do anything wrong, I did.” A shadow passed behind his eyes at the wrongful admission, and she wanted to tell him that he hadn’t done anything wrong either, but couldn’t find her voice before he continued. “You are still the bravest person I know. Braver than I ever thought possible. But having courage doesn’t mean that nothing will ever scare you. We are all scared of something. That’s normal.”

“What is so fucking normal about this, Neil?” Sophia exploded, unable to stop herself all of a sudden. “I’m permanently damaged! I’m disgusting–I don’t know why you even wanted me. I’ll never be complete again!”

At that moment, Neil had pulled the Jeep in front of the apartment, and she got out immediately and ran to the door where Scott was already standing and waiting for them. She ignored Neil’s calls to her.

Sophia saw that Scott was preparing to catch her, and would most likely have asked what was going on at seeing her bawling her eyes out, but Neil stopped him.

“Let her go, brother!”

He must have known that she might have gotten another panic attack if another man’s hands caught her, even if it was Scott’s, another male she trusted with her life, but given the state she was in, she couldn’t be sure how she would react or feel. So, she was grateful when Scott just stepped aside and let her through.

Ignoring Connor’s questions from the couch as well, Sophia ran straight to her room, and threw the door shut before she fell onto the bed and cried into the pillows.

Heaving and shaking, she let it all out. The remaining panic. The fear. An excessive amount of frustration, and even her unspent lust – all went into that damned pillow. She let it vacate her system through the wet tears that flowed in torrents from her eyes.

After a while of this, Sophia felt dry and swollen at the same time, but with nothing to cry about anymore, she turned herself over onto her back and stared at the ceiling. It was one of those textured ceilings, and she inspected every riffle and bump there as she attempted to organize her thoughts.

She knew that the crying was what had gotten rid of most of the overwhelming emotions, and that she could reason with herself a bit better now.

And as though Neil had been able to sense that too, there was a light, tentative knock on the door, and Neil entered with a hot cup of chamomile tea. She could smell it immediately and sat up cross-legged to accept it from him, unable to look him in the eye. Not only because she felt ashamed, but because of how her mascara must have been all smudged up and her eyes red-and-puffy-looking.

He silently handed it to her, and slowly sat down on the edge of the mattress, clearly keeping a safe distance from her, but still watched her reaction closely, so that in case she would get fearful again that he could move away quick enough.

Sophia hated herself for it. Goddess, how she hated seeing Neil being so careful with her again. It was at the pinnacle of what she considered unbearable.

“I couldn’t leave things this way,” he said gently, and she could feel his urge to reach out and hold her chin, she even saw his hand twitching, but he stopped himself.

She hated that even more. Neil being afraid to touch her again was just the most awful thing. She wanted nothing more than to reach over and take his hand into hers, but she still found that she couldn’t. Maybe because she couldn’t stand possibly having another uncontrollable negative reaction to him again. She knew that that would just about ruin her.

“I shouldn’t have screamed at you the way I did,” Sophia blurted out before he could say something, making herself look at him now. She saw such sympathy and hurt in him that she almost looked away again, but she also knew that she needed the courage she always found in his eyes, so she kept them right there. “I don’t really think all that about myself. It wasn’t fair of me to dump that on you…”

“I thought about that as well just now, as I waited, and came to the realization that; yes, you are damaged,” he admitted blatantly, and Sophia couldn’t help the shock she felt at the unexpectedness of it.

“And I hated myself for not being there in time to prevent that damage from happening,” Neil continued. “I still do – but Soph, I’ve seen how you’ve taken that damage, that resulting feeling of incompleteness after what you lost that day, and witnessed how you have transmuted it into something more complete than it’s ever been before… You’ve taken that darkness, that suffering, and given it meaning. You, Soph, you turned yourself into something magnificent and spectacular because of it…”

She felt an indecipherable swell within her chest as she stared at him. How could such a man be real? She wondered incredulously.

“Do you think the moon is disgusting?”

Sophia felt a frown of confusion at the random strange question.

“Just tell me,” he pressed. “When you look at the moon, does it disgust you?”

“Of course not,” she said, wondering where he was going with this. If he wanted to confuse and distract her with an absurd question, he’d succeeded.

“Like the moon, Soph,” Neil went on, honing his gaze more severely onto her. “You’ve taken more terrible hits and rocks flung at you than any one person should have to endure – but you’ve stayed your course and lifted your face in challenge each day… There’s no hiding the craters there, the damage it all caused, marring what was once blameless and clean… But that is exactly what makes people stare and admire, and even worship – your radiant resilience despite it all… And like the moon, Soph, you might still carry the marks of your past, but your authentic beauty and strength are unparalleled because of it…”

After that–after that–Sophia didn’t know what to say, or to think. All she knew was that it brought tears to her eyes, the good kind, and that she felt her foundations starting to rebuild again, stronger and surer than ever before as she took his unexpected words to heart.

“I wanted you to know that, more than anything,” he said as he gave her an admiring smile. “This is why I will always howl in your honor, bow in respect, and want nothing more than to bask in your light… You asked why I wanted you? That’s why. You are my moon…”

Fucking hell…

You are my moon…

Out of context that would have sounded cheesy as hell, but Neil saying it after that speech, or whatever that was, she only knew that it created a concoction of indescribable feelings and sensations within her she couldn’t begin to make sense of. It made her heart and stomach tighten and dance, and made her feel a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day and an electric storm, and brought tears and a smile to her face – all at the same time.

“I’ll be on the couch next to Connor if you need me–”

This time she was the one that grabbed his wrist before he could leave. To hell, you will, her reaction seemed to say and he looked down at her hand there in astonishment, before bringing his hopeful eyes back to hers.

“Stay,” Sophia said with not a sliver of a doubt that that was what she wanted.

Silently putting the light off and getting into bed next to her, nothing felt more right, nothing made more sense. Same as every night, it was the feeling of coming home the moment Neil would lie next to her. His warmth. His assurance. Just being there with her.

She could feel his blissful contentment – calm and raging at the same time, same as hers did, especially when he took hold of her hand and gently interlaced his fingers with hers.

No, nothing could ever feel more right than what they felt at that moment, together, as the final walls had finally been broken down and replaced by the truth that was between them now.