Chapter 65

The solid concrete wall was cold against Sophia’s back as she sat on the concrete floor. She knew that this was likely unsanitary, but not as unsanitary as sitting on the cot. She thought of all the criminals that had slept on that and her stomach revolted in disgust. Even if they were innocent, as Neil and her were, just, ew, that was nasty. The vertical iron bars that covered the front of the shoe box cell trapped her inside, signaling her fight or flight response. She had to internally rationalize with herself that she couldn’t do either. She couldn’t fight, she would surely end up murdered if she did, and she couldn’t flee because she had nowhere to run. Even if she could, they’d likely catch her. Besides, she wouldn’t leave Neil. The only good part, the only silver lining to this unjust experience, was her father couldn’t get out either. The metal cot was bolted into the concrete floor with a mattress that was the same as the one she had slept on in her father’s basement. A dented metal locker was attached to the cot frame. A tiny desk and chair sat under the barred 1x1 inch window, bolted to both the floor and the wall it sat against. The metal toilet that sat in the corner, open to anyone who walked by, was rusted and wreaked of having not been cleaned. There was no way in hell she was sitting on that, and for the first time, she was envious of the male counterparts. Earlier, before darkness had washed over the long, dim hall, Sophia had read the carvings in the wall. Well, most were carved, but some were written in permanent marker. Those ones looked older than the carvings. Her face blushed at reading the crude comments. She learnt words she never knew existed. She was amused by some of the etchings and cartoon style drawings that told that some of the people who had been held there had real artistic talent. She briefly wondered if they had gotten out. If they had gotten to explore that talent. But if not, no, she shook that thought from her hand. She read phrases she wished she could eradicate from her mind. Tally marks counting down the days until freedom or until death, which one she is unsure of. Going by the marks spread out all along the walls, many had tracked their time with the crude slashes, one through four and then a fifth that ran diagonal across. Thoughts began to flood her mind of those who had been in this cell, in any of these cells before her. Were they all criminals, monsters? Were they Deserving of this treatment, much like her father? Were they innocents, fearful of what was to come like herself? Her eyes continued to wander over to the rusted sink next to the toilet where a new comb, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and toilet paper sat. Then to the cot, that she knew she would not be sleeping on.

Every now and then she could hear the thud of footsteps on the other side of the gates at the end of the cell block. Footsteps that echoed in the walkway as guards checked on the inmates. The rattling sounds of the keys played over and over down the long hall. Sweat, mold, and raw sewage clung to the air like the smoke of a thousand cigarettes. Sophia’s eyes watered. She wanted out of there. She felt like the walls were closing in around her in a way she hadn’t experienced since she was in school. It felt like it was so long ago, though in truth, it really wasn’t. She didn’t belong behind bars like a caged animal, nor did Neil. But her father did, though, and she was happy that he was behind bars. Thankfully, he had fallen asleep a while ago, though how long exactly, she had no idea. Time moved slowly, slower than the pace of a snail. If it weren’t for the night checks, she wouldn’t even know that she had only been there a day. When the cell doors slam shut, closing you in, well, she couldn’t speak for everyone, but for her, it was like being shut in a time capsule and being deprived from everything that one needs for both mental and physical health. If she was found guilty, she hoped they would sentence and execute her fast, because she thought she may go as bat shit crazy as her father if she was stuck in the doom. At least at home, she had gotten food, sunlight. Fresh air. This place was like a biochemical hazard.

“Soph, are you awake?” Neil’s voice carried around the corner separating their cells. His voice was timid, like he wasn’t sure if she was going to answer. Like he wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk to him. She sucked her bottom lip in and chewed. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was afraid of what he wanted to say, why he was talking to her after hours and hours of him ignoring her existence. But she was also so relieved to hear his voice. To hear him say her name. His cold indifference hurt her.

She heard him move closer to the wall they shared and drop down onto the hard floor. She imagined they were sitting back-to-back. She imagined she could feel him, as close as she had felt him as they lay side by side in his bed.

“I’m awake.” She spoke softly. She didn’t want to risk waking her father up and starting his maniacal tirades all over again.

After she had responded, he didn’t say anything, but she knew he was still there. She counted to sixty-three in her head. When he still hadn’t spoken, she offered encouragement.

“If you want to talk, I’m here. I’ll listen.” Sophia said.

“I know you know that I was in the Lucian military. That I killed people. But I’m not who they say I am.”

Sophia remained silent, knowing that he would continue when he was ready. She wasn’t honest to herself though, because truthfully she was afraid of what he was going to say.

“The thing is, I did kill people. Many people. But I wasn’t an outright murderer. And I didn’t take pleasure in doing it. I hated it.” He sounded so angry with himself. Angry with the world.

“Then why did you do it?”

“I was being recruited while I was still in high school Soph. I was only part of the pack because your father allowed a family to foster me. I had nothing; I came from no one. When they started to recruit me, that made me ideal for them. When I graduated, I was taken away that night to begin my training, then moved into special ops straight after.”

She heard him get up and the pad of his feet were soft brushes as he started to pace.

“At first, it felt great. I belonged somewhere. For the first time, I had friends, brothers, who didn’t care about where I came from, or what I did. We were united. Together day in and day out. And they had to do everything I did. At eighteen years old, I convinced myself that if none of them had a problem with our training, then I shouldn’t either. It just was. We did horrible things during training. The higher ups needed to know that we could hack it. It wasn’t book theory, they put us in these scenarios, and we had to do it. The first time you failed at something, you were punished. I saw people, my brother’s get punished. That wasn’t going to be me. The second time, if they failed a second time, we never heard from them again. Their stuff would just disappear from the barracks, and they were never spoken of again, but we knew...”

He dropped back down onto the floor, so his back was against Sophia’s with only the icy concrete wall separating them.

“After a certain point, Soph, there was no getting out. You knew too much, so if you didn’t make it through the training, then you weren’t allowed to live. We knew it. Without it being said.”

Her heart hurt. She thought about an eighteen-year-old boy, feeling like he belonged for the first time. Having brothers and being good enough at something that he was recruited for. They sought him out. She knew from growing up, that was rare. Rare indeed and seen as quite the honor amongst the pack.

“Are you there?” he asked.

“Yes, I’m listening.” Sophia said softly.

“I know you can’t forgive me. I’m not asking you to. What I did, it can’t be forgiven. Not by anyone. And it shouldn’t be. But I just...wanted you to know. I feel like I’m trying to justify it. Fuck, there is no justifying it. There’s not. Special Ops are despicable. Not just for what we did, but the things we saw, and the things that happened that we should have stopped. If we were decent, we would have stopped it.”

“I don’t believe that you did everything they said when they were arresting you. I know you didn’t do it.” Sophia said, with firm conviction in her voice.

Neil moaned. “I did though, maybe not how they presented it, but I did. Scott did too. So did Connor and Victoria and hundreds of others. We were all handpicked while we were still high school students. We were all kids who had nothing to lose and nowhere to go. Or so we thought. Until day by day you learned that you had a lot to lose. Pride, they didn’t allow pride. Honor and Integrity? There was no room for that while following the orders for the heinous acts. Sincerity and empathy were punished. We each came in good people, and we left having witnessed and contributed to the most monstrous acts you can possibly imagine. We left murderers. Some of us even left as victims because the punishment of the first fail will never leave.”

“You were all victims. You were all manipulated to be who and what my father wanted you to be. You were controlled by the hands of the most contemptuous monster in existence.”

“None of us will ever be okay again though, Soph. Scott and I, we talk to some of the others. We are the monsters, and now some of us are depressed or suicidal. One of our brothers has gone off grid and we can’t find him anywhere. He’s completely disconnected from society. Sisters who can’t mate, because of the terrors they saw. We have flashbacks that are triggered by the tiniest thing, and nightmares. And one thing we all have, we have guilt, shame. We are ashamed of who we became.”

“It’s not your fault, none of yours.”

“We aren’t good people though, not anymore. We are just a shadow of who we were. We are nothing now. Just hard shells with memories that keep us awake at night and daily reminders that we don’t deserve to live. Not with the horrors we did to others.”

“Neil, I know you. That’s not who you are. And--”

He interrupted her.

“Don’t Soph. Just don’t. You don’t know and I pray to the goddess that you never will. You did the right thing to stop me the other night. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your faith, your trust. And I sure as fuck don’t deserve to touch someone as incredible as you. Beautiful on the inside and the outside.”

She heard him sniffle and pull himself off the floor.

“I’m sorry.” He choked back on the word sorry, and she knew he was crying, fighting back tears.

’I’m sorry too,” she whispered low enough that he couldn’t hear.