Fucked Up

Jayce

In the shower, I planted a kiss on her cheek. “You’re going to be the end of me, sweetheart.”

She shot me a playful smirk. “Think you could wash me?”

I chuckled, shaking my head. “We both know where that’ll lead. Next time.”

She pouted a bit, but nodded and turned away to wash herself. I did the same.

A few minutes later, we were dressed and back in the living room. “Why don’t you sit down? You can put on a movie while I cook,” I suggested.

“Okay.” Tuli grabbed the remote and flopped down on the couch.

I headed into the kitchen and started rummaging through the cupboards and fridge, gathering what I needed. A familiar tune filled the room. I peeked into the living room. “Are you watching ~Mulan~?”

“Sure am!”

“I was watching ~Hercules~ with my sister’s kids just the other day.”

She smiled. “I didn’t know you were a fan of kids.”

“I didn’t really have a choice,” I joked. “But seriously, they’re my world. I’d do anything for them.”

Her eyes sparkled. Then she asked a question that caught me off guard.

“Have ~you~ ever thought about having kids?”

I paused, trying to find the right words. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I know when I was engaged, I did. But then, well, you know, my heart got broken. I didn’t even want to date another woman. Now, I’m not sure how to navigate this whole relationship thing. But I’m willing to give it a shot, if it means being with you.”

Her face turned a shade of red, but she smiled and nodded. I returned the smile. “Sorry, I don’t have a better answer. I just don’t know, yet.”

“It’s okay, Jayce. I get it. I’m not sure about getting into a relationship either. But you sure know how to make it tempting,” she added, giving me a look.

I smirked. “Just helping you make up your mind.”

“Uh-huh,” she murmured.

I went back to cooking.

I set the table and served up some chicken piccata on both Tuli’s plate and mine. Then I poured some rosé into our glasses.

I’d bought roses for a centerpiece. I plucked the petals off one rose and scattered them across the table.

Finally, I dimmed the lights.

“Tuli,” I called out.

I watched as she walked into the room, surprise written all over her face. “Wow, you really went all out.”

I smiled and pulled out a chair for her. She sat down and inspected the food. Then she looked at me, curiosity in her eyes.

“You’re really trying to win me over. How did you know I liked chicken piccata?”

~Uh-oh.~ “Oh. Just a lucky guess.”

Tuli gave me a suspicious look but didn’t say anything. I sat down next to her. She cut a piece of chicken and popped it into her mouth. Her eyes widened as she chewed.

“Is it good?”

She swallowed. “I haven’t had chicken piccata this good in forever! It’s strange…”

“What’s strange?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“There’s something—familiar about the taste. Like I’ve had it before.”

~Jayce, what the hell are you doing?~

“That is odd,” I said quickly. “Maybe someone’s made something similar. I mean, I did find the recipe online.”

“Hmm. It feels like déjà vu.”

“Happens to the best of us,” I replied, feeling a bit anxious.

She nodded. “This is really good, though,” she murmured as she cut another piece of chicken.

I let out a sigh of relief and started eating. We didn’t say anything else.

Tuli

~I know Jayce is lying to me.~

~But why, I don’t know.~

I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t just a coincidence. First the flowers and candy, now the food.

It wasn’t just that he “happened” to pick my favorites, but they also stirred up feelings of nostalgia. Especially the chicken piccata.

Something about the taste was so…familiar.

I shook my head. ~What am I thinking?~

I didn’t even understand why I was suspicious of Jayce. He didn’t have anything to hide, did he?

~But why did he act so strange when I asked him these questions?~

Ugh. I must be overthinking it. He could have easily found this info online and just didn’t want to seem like a stalker.

~I call bullshit~, my subconscious chimed in. I ignored her and kept eating.

“Are you okay, Tuli?” Jayce asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“I’m fine, why?” I mumbled, looking at him blankly.

“You’ve been frowning at your food for the past few minutes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m fine. Just lost in thought.”

He gave me a bright smile, as if trying to reassure me. It was almost like he could read my mind.

“Whatever it is, it’s okay. You don’t need to worry.”

My subconscious snorted. ~Yeah, right~.

I ignored her again, taking a sip of the wine. “This is good,” I murmured.

“Rosé,” he replied. “Thought you might like it.”

I smiled. “I do. It really adds to the romantic vibe you’ve got going.”

He grinned, looking a bit sheepish. “Too cheesy for you?”

“I’m getting used to it,” I murmured.

We polished off our meal, and before I could even reach for my plate, Jayce had scooped it up and was heading for the kitchen.

“Hey, you cooked, Jayce. Let me handle the cleaning,” I said, trying to protest.

He just shook his head, dismissing my offer. “Nah, you just sit back and relax. You’ve earned a little downtime.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “If you let me get too lazy and plump, you won’t want to be with me anymore.”

He frowned, pausing as he set the dishes in the sink. “Why would you say something like that?”

“The last guy I was with stopped talking to me because I was overweight.”

I might have been imagining it, but I thought I saw him wince a little.

“He told you he didn’t want to talk to you anymore because you were overweight?”

“No, he just stopped talking to me.”

“Then how do you know it was about your weight?”

“I’ve been teased for being overweight for so long. It wouldn’t surprise me if that was the reason.” I tried to make it sound like a joke, but the conversation was veering into serious territory. “Let’s not talk about it.”

“Tuli, listen to me.” Jayce leaned against the counter. “I don’t know why that guy just vanished from your life. But don’t blame it on your looks. You’re a beautiful woman. I don’t care what you weigh now or in the future. You’ll always be beautiful to me.”

“You don’t have to try and make me feel better,” I muttered, looking down.

“Tuli. Why are you acting like this?”

“Because,” I snapped, “you only wanted me for sex when we first met. Imagine how surprised I’ll be when you dump me in the future.”

He just stared at me. I crossed my arms.

“Didn’t I tell you I love you? I want a relationship with you. Was it all in my head?”

“Well, no.”

“Then why the fuck do you think I’m only in it for the sex? Is your self-esteem that low?”

“It’s not about my self-esteem,” I shot back. “Jayce, when we first had sex, you said you weren’t into commitment. How am I supposed to know the only reason you’re dating me, the only reason you tell me you love me, is that that’s the way you feel? How do I know you’re not doing it for the sex?”

His eyes hardened.

“I can’t believe this right now,” he said, his voice icy. “It’s late. Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll sleep on the couch. I’ll take you home tomorrow.”

“So you’re just going to end our conversation like that?”

“Yes. I don’t want to argue over something like this. If you don’t trust my feelings, that’s your problem. I’m not going to bother.”

The room fell silent. I gritted my teeth.

“Go to bed, Tuli.”

“No.” I grunted. “Take me home. Please.”

He shook his head and glared at me. “Fine. I thought maybe we could work this out in the morning. Apparently I was wrong.”

“Keep your fucking comments to yourself and take me home,” I growled.

The car ride home was silent. Jayce was clearly angry. Well, so was I.

~You still aren’t over Adam~, my subconscious helpfully reminded me. ~And as for this guy, you still don’t know if the only reason he’s dating you is the sex.~

It was true. I didn’t know. I was angry that he would play with my emotions. I was angry that he would try to push me into a relationship.

I was scared he would dump me if he got bored or didn’t like the way I looked.

I was a mess.

I was snapped back to reality when Jayce spoke up. “We’re here.”

I opened the car door, my shopping bags in hand. I was about to close the door when I heard him say my name.

“What?” I asked, glaring at him.

“I love you,” he said quietly.

I slammed the door in his face, then turned and headed up the stairs to my apartment. When I reached the top of the stairs, I heard him drive away.

“What happened?” Megan asked as I walked in. “I thought you were coming home tomorrow. You look so down.”

“We had a fight,” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s no big deal.”

She stared at me, hard, until I started to squirm.

“Let’s sit on the couch,” she said softly. “You’re going to tell me what happened.”

Knowing she wouldn’t take no for an answer, I followed her to the couch. She settled in and looked at me expectantly.

I told her everything. Her eyes grew harder the more I talked. When I finished, she looked very displeased. I bit my lip, waiting.

“Look, Tuli. All those kids who talked down to you, they can go fuck themselves. If you, right now, are having problems with your self-esteem, you should probably think about going to see a therapist. I know I’ve recommended this—”

“Megan,” I interrupted, “what if, deep down, I’m right? What if the only reason Jayce is with me is just so he can have sex with me?”

“You have no control over that. All you have control over is yourself, and you need to get a handle on the way you respond to these thoughts.”

“It’s so easy to say those words, Megan.”

She sighed.

“I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe he’s just in it for the sex. Maybe he loves you. You decide which one you want to believe. I’m gonna head to bed.”

She patted my shoulder and walked off. I went to my own room, still not sure I was ready to trust Jayce.