Lust: Chapter 11

Three hours. I just have to get through the next three hours.

I adjust the tablecloth, trying to ignore the weight in my chest as Brandon settles into his seat beside Sofia. He leans in to say something to her, their heads close together, and my throat squeezes.

What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s good that he’s actually trying to pursue her now. He might be able to help her heart finally heal. No one on earth would choose Finn over Brandon.

His eyes meet mine for a moment, and his gaze is so dark and intense that I have to look away, my heart pounding in my ears.

Make it two hours. I’ll leave right after dessert. I’ll say I have a headache and ask my brother and Nora to take Sofia home later.

“Mari, can you come in here?” my mom calls from the kitchen.

Just as I start to turn around, Brandon’s eyes flash, and I quicken my step. I can’t keep looking at him all night long.

Oh God, what if this really becomes something with Sofia, and they get married someday? At all these family dinners, Brandon will be sitting right next to her like he is right now. I’ll catch him brushing his hand along her thigh and stealing kisses in the hallway when he thinks no one is watching.

As I walk into the kitchen, the smell of Mom’s garlic shrimp fills my nose. At least I’ll have good food to get me through the evening.

My mom points to the kitchen island. “Can you finish up the salad?”

I walk to the counter. “Sure.”

As I turn to the sink and start washing my hands, my mom shoots me a mischievous grin. “They look like they’re getting cozy in there.”

I smile tightly. “Hopefully not too cozy. They’d better keep the holy spirit between them. We don’t want Sofi to get pregnant.”

My mom wrinkles her nose as she fluffs the rice. “Don’t be gross. As if Brandon would ever do that.”

I smile. “I don’t know, Mom. Sounds like he was pretty wild before he became a pastor.”

She chuckles as she turns off the heat under the pot. “Stop it, Mari, before I come over there and spank you. I don’t want Brandon hearing you talk like this.”

“I’m his intern now.” I shoot her a smile. “We’re practically besties.”

Her delighted smile makes my stomach drop. She loves that I’m working for him now.

It gives her hope for me.

“He told your dad you’re the fastest learner he’s ever met, even compared to the people he knew in the business world.”

I snort. “That has the hand of Dad all over it. Brandon probably said, ‘She’s doing fine,’ and Dad was like, ‘My daughter is a genius.’”

“No.” Her voice is hushed. “We don’t need our kids to be geniuses. It doesn’t take a genius to be a strong woman of God.”

Her words hit me like a punch in the gut, making me momentarily senseless to the world around me.

Why does it hurt so much to hear her say something like that? I know that’s my parents’ biggest priority, and it doesn’t come purely from judgment. They’re genuinely fearful that I’ll go to hell if I don’t change my ways.

But fuck. She knows what my priorities are. She knows I want to travel the world and learn about every scrap of human history. She knows I want to be a professor someday.

She doesn’t care. The parts of myself that are so meaningful to me are nothing to her.

I’m still in a fog by the time dinner starts. It isn’t difficult to tune everyone out. As usual, they’re all vying for Brandon’s attention. Mom has a million questions for him. Even Abuelita is making occasional comments when she’s usually shy around him. They’re all making an extra effort, because they must sense that he’s being more attentive to Sofia, and they’re encouraging him. They want him to officially become part of the family.

They want him to be Sofi’s husband.

Dad turns to Brandon with a smile. “How’s Mari doing in her new position? She hasn’t caused a church schism yet, has she?”

My dad shoots me a teasing glance, and I give him the same long stare I’ve been giving him since I was twelve years old.

“I don’t know how to respond to Dad jokes, Hector,” Brandon says. “Am I supposed to make one back?”

Chuckles break out around the table, and Sofi smiles up at him. “He’s had over thirty years of practice. They just roll off the tongue for him.”

Dad takes a sip of his wine. “Brandon will understand soon. He won’t be a single man forever.”

Dad’s pointed glance at Sofia makes my skin crawl. Why can’t he be more subtle than this? Why isn’t he even slightly self-conscious about his overt intervention in all his kids’ lives?

Brandon smiles. “I’m not going to respond to that, so I’ll answer your question as if you asked it in good faith. No, Mariana has not caused a schism. She’s an excellent volunteer. I’ve barely had to explain anything to her, and just last week she organized my entire office library. We’re lucky to have her.”

Warmth fills my chest at his words, though I try not to let it show. Our gazes meet for a brief moment. There’s that familiar softness in those inky-dark eyes. I hate that it makes my stomach flutter.

Sofia leans in to whisper something to him, and he turns away. The warmth inside me abruptly fades, replaced by a cold emptiness.

I push my salad around my plate, my throat so tight I couldn’t take a bite if I wanted to.

Dad chuckles. “Well, hopefully by the end of this, it will be good for her too. Maybe you can bring her back to the Lord.”

I grow still, and my cheeks burn. There was no mistaking the passive aggression in that statement, as much as he was trying to sound playful.

How can he talk about things like this in front of our whole family? How does he think he has the right?

Brandon’s expression grows stern. “It’s important to have people like Mariana in the church. Sometimes congregations can be echo chambers. For my part, having someone challenge my faith always strengthens it.”

A lightness blooms in my chest. Brandon is usually honest with my dad, but I don’t think he’s ever stood up for me before.

I don’t think anyone has.

I smile faintly at him, and his eyes soften in response.

“I agree that we need people like that,” my dad says, “but I’d rather it not be my daughter.”

I twist around to scowl at him. “Can we not talk about this at the dinner table?”

My dad’s expression softens. He reaches out to pat my shoulder. “My little firecracker. You’re going to do amazing things someday.”

For God, he means.

Fuck, I have to get out of here. I’m going to make a scene if I don’t.

I stand up from the table and grab my plate. “I have a bad headache,” I say, inwardly cringing at the triteness of the excuse.

“Where do you think you’re going?” my dad calls out.

“Your grandma has extra strength Ibuprofen,” my mom says. Her voice grows hushed as she asks Abuelita in Spanish if she minds that I use the medication leftover from her surgery.

“Ibuprofen makes me nauseous,” I shout over the rushing sink water.

As I walk into the living room to grab my purse, I catch sight of my mom’s stern gaze. I’ll no doubt be getting some scathing texts after I leave, but it will be worth not lashing out at my dad. Not in front of Brandon.

I can’t reinforce his belief that I’m just an unruly child.

As I turn the corner of the dining room into the hallway, I catch sight of Brandon’s intense expression.

He knows.

He knows my feelings as if they were his own.

Am I crazy, or is this invisible connection between us something real?

Brandon

I inhale deeply, attempting to calm the tornado of feelings that have been swirling since Mariana left. “I need to be upfront with you,” I say to Hector. “You hurt Mariana tonight. Everyone saw it.”

His face falls as he stares into the glass of amber liquid. He doesn’t drink whiskey very often—or any form of alcohol for that matter—so he’s probably already feeling regret. “I shouldn’t have talked about it in front of everyone.” His voice is hushed.

“I don’t think you should have talked about it at all.”

His brow furrows, his dark eyes meeting mine. “I can’t be dishonest. That’s not how I raised my kids. I have to be real with her, and we both know she’s drifting. If we can’t get through to her soon…” He shakes his head.

“We?” I pin him with a hard stare. “I told you I’d talk to her. You know it’s not in my power to bring her back to God.”

Especially since I don’t think she was ever with God to begin with.

He leans forward, his eyes alighting. “Here’s the thing, though, I’m finally starting to see a change in her. Every night, I pray. I tell God the deepest desire of my heart. ‘Protect my children,’ I say. ‘Keep them with you, God.’” When he pauses, I inhale a breath to prepare myself for what I know he’s about to say.

“Ever since she started working with you, I’ve had this feeling.” He places his palm against his chest. “I think it’s a message from the Holy Spirit, Brandon, I really do. You’re the one who’s going to finally get through to her. I really believe it. She admires you. You’re a cool, liberal pastor, you know?”

I grunt. “It sounds like a pretty shallow reason to come back to Christianity.”

“It’s not though. You can speak her language. She looks up to you.”

And I want to fuck her.

The words echo in my head, as clear as the word of God.

It’s a warning.

Self-recrimination squeezes my chest like a fist. I don’t believe that God is telling Hector that I’ll be the one to bring Mariana to Christ, but I do believe God is sending me a message through him.

Crossing this line will be an abuse of power.

I can’t ever touch her again. Not when she looks up to me as a mentor. It’s reprehensible.

“I’ll keep talking to her.” My voice is barely above a whisper. “But that’s all I can promise.”

“That’s all I’d ever expect of you.” His smile grows so affectionate, my chest squeezes with guilt.

Mariana

My head pounds. It turns out I have a real headache. A punishment for faking one, I guess.

The front door bursts open, and Sofia’s beaming face comes into view. “Guess what?” she squeals as she sets her purse on the couch.

I clench my facial muscles to keep from grimacing. “What?”

“Brandon asked me to be his date for Livvy’s wedding!”

Her words are like ice through my veins, and it’s so silly. Here I am suddenly wanting Brandon to stay away from her—my beloved sister—when their relationship couldn’t be anything but good for her. It might even mend my relationship with her, since it would help her forget about Finn.

What is wrong with me?

I force a smile. “That’s awesome.”

“I’ll be sitting at his table,” she continues, bouncing on her toes. “Can you imagine what Finn will think?”

My stomach plummets to the floor. “So you’re using Brandon? That’s fucked up.”

She halts, turning to me with wrath in her eyes. “How dare you say something like that.”

Heat creeps into my cheeks. She doesn’t realize what she’s doing. I know this. Finn’s betrayal has pulled her into a deep, dark hole. She can’t see anything but her own pain.

I sigh. “Why do you still care what Finn thinks?”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m not letting Brandon court me just to make Finn jealous. I know that’s what you think.”

It is what I think, but I can’t tell her that.

“I know you aren’t, but why are you… Why make Livvy’s wedding all about Finn?”

She flutters her eyelids dramatically. “How would you feel if you were forced to spend hours at a wedding of all places with your ex-fiancé who dumped you for the woman he got pregnant?”

I let out a long sigh. “Livvy said she would have her dad ask him not to come. She never would have even invited him if you hadn’t given her the okay.”

Sofia grimaces. “I’m not going to be the reason Livvy excludes her cousin and his wife from her wedding. It’s embarrassing. I don’t want him thinking he still gets to me.”

I raise both hands in the air. “But he does still get to you!”

Her jaw tightens as she walks into the kitchen. Oh fuck, no.

I won’t let her dismiss me.

“I don’t want you to fuck over your relationship with Brandon,” I lie, “because you’re still hung up on Finn.”

She rolls her eyes as she gulps down a bottle of water. “I would never do that,” she says breathlessly as she lowers the bottle. “But I can’t help that my heart is still in pain.”

I grit my teeth. I know I should feel compassion. I did, for so long. It was a disgusting thing that Finn did.

But it’s been three years.

And why doesn’t she have any pain in her heart for what she and I lost? Finn left her, but I’m right here, damn it. And I was right about him. How does she not see it?

She blames me for everything that went wrong between them, just like Brandon said. I saw it coming, and she superstitiously considers me the cause.

I thought our bond was stronger than this. Finding out that it wasn’t is a physical pain in my chest. I miss my big sister.

Maybe the person I thought she was never existed.