Lust: Chapter 13

“You’re shitting me,” Livvy says, her eyes huge.

We came to this cafe to talk about wedding details, but I doubt we’ll get much done now that I’ve told her the whole story.

I huff out an almost hysterical laugh. “I honestly still feel like I dreamed it, but it was real.”

She shakes her head slowly, her eyes wide and dazed. “I can’t believe it.” Her eyes narrow. “Do you think he’s going to break up with Sofi after this?”

I snort. “No. As a matter of fact, he’s arranged a coffee date with her and his little brother tomorrow because he wants her to get to know him better.”

She frowns. “It’s so strange. Does he really feel that much pressure from your dad?”

I roll my eyes. “At this point, I’m wondering if he’s in denial.”

A childlike grin spreads over Livvy’s face. “About wanting you, huh?”

I nod, taking a sip of my chai latte. “He’s very weird about age. He thought Sofia was too young for him at first.”

Livvy’s nose wrinkles. “It’s silly, though. You’re both grown ass women.”

“I know.” I expel a breath through my closed lips. “It’s my damn dad who fucked this up. Brandon looks up to him.”

“Yeah, but… Do you think your dad would be mad if he got with you instead?”

“Yes,” I say immediately. “He’s so different with me than he is with the rest of the family. Being the baby sucks. They all treat me like a little kid.”

Livvy’s warm hand settles on mine. “I think you need to have a talk with Brandon. You’re not a little kid, and after what you saw last night… You know he doesn’t see you that way. I know you wouldn’t actually mention it outright—”

“Oh, but I’m not going to just pretend it didn’t happen either.” A thrill runs up my spine. “I’m going to drop hints that I know and make him sweat over it.”

Livvy’s face lights up. “What are you going to say?”

I grin as I tell her my plan for tomorrow.

Brandon

As I roll down the window, the misty ocean air cools my face, but it does nothing to calm me. I can’t reason away the grip of guilt squeezing my heart.

What would the Hernandez family think if they knew what I did last night? I’m on my way to meet Sofia for coffee, and less than twenty-four hours ago, I jacked off thinking about the baby of the family. In my damn church office.

In the house of the Lord.

I know a church building is no more significant than anywhere else. God is everywhere. The thought isn’t comforting, though. Not when I felt more alive last night than I ever have in that office.

I glance over at Ethan. He has Sofia’s Instagram page pulled up on his phone. “She still has pictures up of her ex,” he says.

I flip on the turn signal. “Not recent pictures, I hope.”

He snorts. “You don’t sound hopeful at all. You don’t sound like you even care.”

Guilt sinks my gut. How could I care when I’m consumed with lust for her younger sister?

“Don’t say anything like that around her. I’ve made up my mind to give her my all. She has a lot of good qualities. She’s a smart woman and very sweet.”

Smart. Sweet. The words feel dull on my lips, like I’ve rehearsed them. Like they rise to my tongue because I can’t think of anything else to say. Why can’t I think of better words to describe her?

Bright. Intense. Eyes that cut into you and clench your stomach muscles.

But those aren’t words to describe Sofia.

“Mariana, though…” Ethan mutters, startling me. When I look in his direction, a mosaic wall of pictures of Mariana are pulled up on his phone. “If you don’t go for her, I might. Those eyes of hers.”

My jaw clenches, but I try to keep my expression placid. He’s only trying to goad me. He’d never actually pursue someone who doesn’t share his faith.

But fuck if I don’t hate hearing anyone else talk about her eyes.

Those incredible eyes. Inky dark and dusted with gold, but that’s not what makes them sparkle. It’s her expressions. She’s so full of emotion, that woman.

I’d love to see what ecstasy looks like on her face.

Ethan chuckles, and heat washes over my face. I know what he’s about to say. It’s as if we can read each other’s minds.

“You so want Mari. It’s obvious.”

I grit my teeth. “It’s not something to joke about. I’m old enough to be her dad.”

Ethan scoffs. “Yeah, if you had her at fourteen. I think you’ve let Hector get in your head.”

I run a hand through my hair. “Please let’s not talk about this now. Not when we’re about to hang out with Sofia. I feel guilty enough that I’m attracted to Mariana.”

“The solution is to stop letting Hector pressure you into dating someone when you don’t really want to. I’m seriously worried you might end up marrying Sofia just because you’re lonely.”

A chuckle rumbles from my chest, easing my frayed nerves. “You have a really high opinion of my character.”

Ethan smiles. “It’s so clear you’re dying to find a wife. You’re more of a stereotypical evangelical than I am.”

I punch his shoulder before stepping out of the car. “I’m not a virgin.”

Ethan chuckles. “You’re a born-again virgin.”

I’m relieved by the lightness between us as we walk to the cafe, yet I can’t fully stifle the stirring of guilt inside me. Maybe he’s right that I should stop pursuing Sofia. If I haven’t felt a spark with her yet, maybe it’s never going to happen.

No. I have to give her a chance. I owe Hector at least that after everything he’s done for me, even if I don’t agree with his attempt to manage his grown daughters’ lives.

My stomach plummets to the floor when we walk into the coffee shop, and I see Mariana sitting right next to her sister.

Sofia waves, and Mariana shoots me a cheeky, heavy-lidded smile.

Naughty girl.

Oh fuck, not these fantasies again. Not here of all places. Goddamn it, what is she even doing here?

I force myself to focus on Sofia and greet her with a warm hug. As we sit, Mariana’s eyes bore into me, and tingles run down the length of my spine.

Why do I get the feeling she can read my thoughts? That she knows I beat my cock last night with thoughts of her pretty tongue lapping up my come?

I force a smile. “You don’t trust me and Ethan alone with your big sister?”

That mischievous smile returns to Mari’s face, and my stomach ties into knots. Just as she opens her mouth, Sofia speaks over her. “I hope you don’t mind. I figured since Ethan was coming…”

When Sofia swallows, my gut sinks. It must have been obvious that I’m disconcerted by Mariana’s presence.

I can’t have that.

“I don’t mind at all,” I say, “and I can tell you right away that you’ve made my brother’s day.”

“You sure did.” Ethan grins, his gaze shifting to Mariana. “Good thing we have two chaperones, or else you’d be in trouble.”

My teeth clench. Why did I have to encourage him? Now he’s going to flirt with her all morning.

And I’m going to want to punch him.

Mariana shoots Ethan that cheeky smile I’ve come to adore. “Oh, Ethan, honey, you’re the one who needs a chaperone with me around.”

Ethan’s jaw drops into an open-mouthed smile. “You’re a wild one, Mari. That’s what I love about you.”

Sofia shoots Ethan a playful frown. “You’re not sounding like the good Christian boy I know, Ethan Harrington.”

He frowns at her. “Boy? I can legally drink now.”

I pat Ethan’s back, but the gesture is much harder than I intended. Shit. I don’t want him to know that his attempt to annoy me—as I’m now almost certain this is—is a raving success. “But you don’t drink. Because you’re a good Christian boy. So maybe you should stop sexually harassing our coffee date.”

“Hey,” Ethan says. “I didn’t say anything sexual. You all read into it.”

I cock a brow. “I’m surprised you would say you like wild women when you tell me over and over again you don’t have a thing for Lily.”

Ethan’s smile fades, and a pang of guilt tugs at my chest. Why the fuck did I do that? He’s obviously infatuated with the troubled girl, and it’s a betrayal of his confidence to bring it up with strangers.

What is going on with me? My lust for Mariana is loosening my grip on my integrity.

But I suppose that’s what I’ve learned about my own integrity. I’m not built like people who have an inward compass. I inherited my dad’s morality. I have to keep my eyes on the stars. Even a momentary lapse could find me lost beneath an unexpected veil of clouds.

“Who’s Lily?”

“She not— She’s…” Ethan shuts his eyes, smiling. “He’s just saying that to get back at me for flirting with you two. She’s a girl I’ve been ministering to.”

“Ministering.” Mariana hums the word. “I’ll bet you are.”

Ethan chuckles, and it’s a relief after his earlier discomfort. How does she always do this? She always knows exactly what to say to break the tension.

She’s so adorably playful all the time.

“It really is about ministry,” Ethan says. “Believe me, she’s not my type. She’s beyond wild. She’s kind of a…disaster. And I know that sounds really judgmental, and I kind of hate saying it, but…” He shrugs.

Mariana leans forward and places her elbows on her thighs. “How is she a disaster?”

He rolls his eyes. “She’s the biggest partier I’ve ever met. She’s notorious in my frat, and they all party.”

Mariana makes a little O with those pretty lips. “Imagine that. She’s a college student who parties.”

Ethan narrows his eyes as he smiles at her. “I promise you I’m not being judgmental. She’s not a normal partier. She’s…crazy. We have beer pong at my frat on Thursday nights—not a party or anything, just a low-key hangout. Anyway, last week, she left to go to the bathroom, and when she came back, she was fully naked. She said she fell in the toilet because the lid was up.” His frown turns incredulous. “She took off every lick of clothing because she got her pants a little wet and then just walked out in the open like it was nothing.”

Mariana cocks a brow. “Sounds like she made quite an impression on you.”

Ethan grunts. “How could she not when she was butt naked?”

Mariana giggles as she leans back into the couch. “If that’s appalling to you, I probably shouldn’t tell you any stories about my freshman year of college. I was a very naughty girl.”

I jerk back in my seat. Is it just my imagination, or is there a challenge in those dark eyes?

Holy fuck. Does she know? Does she know what I did last night?

No.

It’s just a coincidence. How could she know?

Fuck, why did I have to be so reckless? Pulling my cock out the second she left my office like a kid sneaking sweets. If I had had a little more self-control, I wouldn’t be going out of my mind right now.

I shift in my seat, trying to maintain my cool, but my face is as hot as a broiling oven.

“So Ethan likes wild ones as long as they aren’t too wild,” Mariana says, that intensity still in those dark eyes. “What’s your type, Brandon?”

She caresses my name with her lips. Oh fuck. She knows.

She fucking knows.

Or am I going crazy?

I lick my lips. “Um…” I glance at Sofia. “Gentle. Kind. With a sweet disposit—”

“So the typical Christian wifey,” Mariana says, and anger begins to flame in my chest.

She’s taunting me.

She’s taunting me at her sister’s expense.

I sit up straight and lower my chin. “Those are qualities I value in any human being. Man or woman. But in this case, I was describing your sister. I’m sure you wouldn’t dismiss her as just a… What do you say? Typical Christian wifey.”

Mariana’s eyes widen slightly before falling on her coffee, and a pang shoots into my chest. I didn’t mean to sound so scolding, but she should think more before she opens that bold mouth of hers.

“She’s not gentle.” Mariana’s voice is small. “You don’t know her very well.”

Sofia’s brow knits. “What do you mean I’m not gentle?”

Mariana smiles sheepishly at her. “You know you’re not.”

Sofia laughs, but it sounds forced. “Don’t listen to her, Brandon. It’s that historian memory of hers. She remembers every single fight we’ve ever gotten into, and she loves to tell the stories.”

I make an effort to smile warmly, though my muscles are as tight as guitar strings. “I’ll have to ask her for stories at work tomorrow.”

Sofia laughs genuinely this time, and the tension is diffused, but for the rest of our visit, my shoulders are tense and my reflexes alert.

Mariana knows.

I’m almost sure of it.

Mariana

As we drive home, Sofia turns to me. “Why did you say that to Brandon?”

I let out a sigh. She doesn’t have to tell me what she means. I knew this question would come, and there’s no use trying to placate her. “Because you aren’t gentle.”

I feel her scowl even though I can’t see it.

“I wouldn’t say I’m pointedly not gentle. Like, I’m as gentle as most people.” When I don’t say anything, she grunts. “It’s almost like you don’t want him to court me anymore.”

The word “court” makes irritation sizzle under my skin. It’s an antiquated practice that the evangelical church coopted as just one more way to control the sexuality of its youth.

Sofia is almost thirty years old, and she’s still being oppressed by it.

“Don’t you hate the fact that Dad orchestrated this whole thing?” I ask. “Brandon hardly knows you.”

“Yeah, because he wasn’t going to hit on his friend’s daughter. He kept his distance from both of us out of respect for Dad. I love that about him.” Her voice has a dreamy quality. “He has such strong principles.”

I snort. “Well, he is a pastor.”

“You of all people should know that doesn’t equate to high character.”

Her words settle over me slowly. I’m so used to coldness from her, it takes me a moment to realize there was no sarcasm or bitterness in the statement.

She’s trying to connect with me. She’s admitting that my frustration with the hypocrisy in the church has some truth to it.

She’s never done that before.

I smile. “He’s definitely not power hungry like a lot of pastors.”

“Not at all,” Sofia says, and for a moment, I’m not even jealous that she’s the sister Dad pushed on Brandon. This understanding between us is so heady, I almost tell her right now that I’m an atheist.

Of course I won’t. I’m not there yet.

But I feel like I could be soon.

Thanks to Brandon.

Throughout the day, I keep expecting the connection between Sofi and I to fade, for her to slip back into cool indifference. But something seems to have changed in her. She’s noticeably warmer and kinder, and she even offers to drive to the In-N-Out in Goleta to get us dinner.

“Guess who texted me last night?” she says after popping a fry into her mouth.

I’ve been so lulled into complacency that I didn’t see that coming. Something ominous vibrates over my skin.

“Who?” I ask, but I already know.

“Finn,” she answers with the faintest quirk of her lips, and coldness descends over my whole body.

Of course. This explains her cheerful mood. This explains her kindness toward me.

It had nothing to do with mutual understanding. It had nothing to do with Brandon, even.

It’s always about Finn.

I frown. “Why is a married man texting his ex-fiancée?”

That faint quirk of her lips morphs into what could almost be described as a sneer. “That’s exactly what I asked him.”

I groan. “Why did you even respond at all?”

She keeps her gaze fixed on her fry as she swirls it around a puddle of ketchup. “I probably shouldn’t have, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“What did he say?”

She’s silent for a while. “He told me he heard that I’m dating Brandon,” she says, “and that he’s happy for me.”

I snort. “We know that’s bullshit.”

“Yes,” she says softly.

“Be careful, Sofi. Texting your ex can be…dangerous.”

She scowls, tossing the ketchup-soaked fry onto her plate. “How dare you even insinuate something like that? I’d never do to Finn’s wife what he did to me.”

I let out a groan. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying be careful.”

She raises her chin. “Even if I was that kind of woman, he has nothing to offer me. I’m dating Pastor Brandon. There’s not a single Christian woman in Santa Barbara who would take Finn over Pastor Brandon.”

I clench my teeth, using all my willpower to keep ugly words from spilling off my tongue.

Brandon is just a prize to you. You don’t actually care about him.

Not the way I’m starting to…

Or already do.

Fuck. I think I’ve fallen for him.