Lust: Chapter 2

Brandon’s voice is lower and huskier during Saturday evening service. I can’t be the only one in the congregation who imagines lying naked with him in the middle of the night.

Not during sex. This is the voice he would use just after. He’d be lying there with his tatted forearms bent, resting his head in his palms. The white sheet would just barely cover his muscular hips. Those warm, dark eyes would probe into mine, welcoming me to tell him all of my secrets.

I would too. He’s so warm and inviting and nonjudgmental. I can only imagine how much kinder he’d be after I showed him with my tongue how much I—

Heat washes over me when those dark eyes of his meet mine in real time. I shift in my seat, my heart racing. Why do I always feel like he can read my mind?

I can’t let him see that he’s unsettled me.

When I smile slowly, his eyes widen minutely, and he licks his lips before looking away.

I glance over at my sister, and thankfully her attention is fixed on the Bible on her lap as she highlights a verse.

God, I’m so childish. Here I am trying to taunt Brandon right in the middle of church when I’ve been doing everything in my power to reconcile my relationship with Sofia. Why does rebellion always rise within me whenever I’m near him?

Not that Sofia minds when I flirt with Brandon. She knows he’s not into her, even though Dad is pushing for them to be together. Brandon treats both me and Sofi like little kids. She was shocked when he asked her out, but she went along with it anyway. She’s too pragmatic about her current situation to care why he really did it.

He pities her. Just like everyone else in this damn community. All because of her broken engagement. She’s been so hurt over it for so long that she’s now almost thirty and still single—an old maid in the evangelical community.

“As we close today,” Pastor Brandon says, those big arms gripping the pulpit, “let’s remember that our faith calls us to actively care for the poor in our communities. This week, I challenge us all to step out of our comfort zones. Let’s be walking examples of Christ’s love in a world that desperately needs hope and compassion.” He smiles. “Amen.”

Applause breaks out, and I repress a smile as I glance around the congregation. I don’t remember my childhood pastor getting this kind of a reaction after a sermon. How funny humans are, unable to separate physical beauty from something that is supposed to be spiritual and not of this earth.

Sofia smiles at me. “Let’s go see what he needs us to do.”

I grit my teeth as she walks proudly toward him. There’s possessiveness in that walk of hers. She knows Brandon’s not into her, but she’s not above showing off to the world that she landed the “hot pastor.” It wouldn’t annoy me if I didn’t know the real reason behind it.

She wants her ex-fiancé, Finn, to find out they’re courting. She wants him to learn through the Christian gossip chain that on Saturday nights, she acts like the pastor’s wife in a church led by a man who looks like an Avenger.

She wants Finn to regret abandoning her.

As we make our way through the crowd, Brandon steps down from the stage and is instantly surrounded by a group of young people—mostly pretty women—and I can’t fight the smile rising to my lips.

How could he not enjoy this? Dad constantly teases him about his near celebrity status in this town. New Morning didn’t become one of the largest churches in Santa Barbara within two years because of Brandon’s preaching abilities. Yet, he always responds stoically to dad’s jibes, like it’s never even occurred to him that he’s gorgeous.

Nothing on this earth is more annoying than a pastor with false humility.

Maybe that’s how I’ve justified flirting with him all these years when I know how much it flusters him.

As soon as we get close, Brandon turns toward Sofia and smiles. He walks over to her and presses a light kiss against her cheek. His lips are stiff—almost tucked in—but if Sofia notices, she doesn’t show it.

“What do you need us to do?” she asks him.

“Why don’t you start by making sure we haven’t run out of coffee and cookies?”

She smiles before walking away, and Brandon’s gaze drifts to me. A tingle runs down my spine. I must be vain for thinking he’s as affected by my presence as I am by his, but sometimes he gives me an intense look that cuts right into my belly.

He smiles. “Mariana.”

My full name. Always my full name, and the undulating syllables are like music on his lips.

“My favorite atheist,” he says, and a flush rises to my cheeks. My eyes dart toward the coffee station at the back of the auditorium, and I release a breath when I see Sofia arranging napkins.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Brandon says, following my gaze to Sofia. “Did I say that too loud?”

“No.” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m just paranoid.”

“It’s okay.” His eyes hold a smile. “I’m still your pastor, even if you’re a…you-know-what. You can be paranoid around me.”

The tension leaves my shoulders. It’s moments like these when I wish he weren’t a pastor. He’s so damn warm and kind. I’d probably have a serious crush if I weren’t convinced he wants to fix me. Just like the rest of my family does.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up in public,” he says. “You told me in confidence.”

Ah, yes. I told him on the beach at Livvy’s engagement party, when those beautiful dark eyes were turning my head to mush. I would have told him anything.

“It’s okay.” I wave a hand. “I’m sure my mom and dad already know, even if they’re in denial. It’s Sofia I’m really worried about.”

Brandon frowns. “‘I find that surprising.”

“She’s more sensitive than everyone else, and she and I… We haven’t been as close since she and Finn broke up.” I shoot him a knowing look. “I never liked him.”

Brandon smiles faintly. “I think maybe you were onto something with that guy.”

I huff out a laugh, glancing at the back of the auditorium to make sure Sofia is out of earshot. “Yeah, when he cheated on her a month before their wedding, I thought something might be a little off.”

He sets his hand on my shoulder, and a pleasant shiver rolls over my skin. He’s so close I can smell his musky cologne. “Sometimes we blame the person who saw it coming. We superstitiously feel like they caused it. But Sofia’s a reasonable person. She’ll let it go when the hurt wears off.”

“When?” In my frustration, my voice is louder than I intended. “It’s been almost three years. And I know what he did was absolutely devastating—leaving her and having a baby with someone else—but why is she still pining for him?” I shake my head. “I would have seduced one of his best friends, or maybe his dad, and then sent Finn the bill for all the lost wedding deposits.”

Brandon bursts into laughter, shaking his head. “I can’t believe you just said that in the house of God.”

I smile sheepishly, as he continues to laugh. Fuck, it feels so good when he looks at me this way. His austerely handsome face is so gentle when he’s delighted.

And his delight does strange things to my insides.

As his smile fades, his gaze lingers on my face. “Even if your relationship is strained, you’re still here with her.” His voice is hushed. “You’re here almost every week, even though you don’t believe in God. That’s real sisterly love.”

My throat grows tight. I wish she saw it that way, but to her, attending church should be a given for anyone. It isn’t a sign that I love her, that I’d do anything to make things right between us.

“Coming to this church isn’t that bad,” I say. “I love hearing you talk about the ancient world. It’s fascinating, and compared to other pastors, you don’t pretend like the Bible was written for a twenty-first century audience.”

“Thank you. That means a lot, especially coming from someone with a history degree. Our conversations are always…interesting, Mariana.”

My heart pounds in my chest. Oh, when he says my name with that hushed, pastor voice…

“Thank you,” I say. “I find them interesting too.”

And I find you delicious.

He steps closer to me, his eyes boring into mine. “You weren’t asking for guidance, but I know your lack of faith is a struggle, if only because of the awkward position it puts you in with your family. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. About anything.”

My stomach drops like a rock. Here we are again.

Dad must have talked to him.

Ministry. It’s always about ministry. No one in the church community has any genuine interest in me or what I have to say. It’s all about fixing my broken pieces even when I’ve always felt whole just as I am.

“Do you need me to take vacuum duty tonight?” Sofia asks from behind me, making me jump.

“I think we’re fine,” Brandon says. “Let’s just get the chairs stacked and call it a night. I’ll make sure the vacuuming gets done after second service tomorrow.”

Sofia sets her hands on her hips, pretending to frown. “We are absolutely not leaving here tonight without vacuuming.”

Brandon frowns. “I don’t want to put you out. You both already do so much.”

A look flashes in Sofia’s eyes so quickly that it would be indiscernible to anyone else. But this is my big sister, and I know her better than even our own parents.

She hates that he lumped me in the same category as her, as if I help as much as she does.

Because even though she won’t admit it to herself, she knows I’m not really a Christian, and someone who doesn’t believe in God doesn’t deserve the honor of being the Mary to her Martha.

“The whole reason I’m here is to help you with the things that don’t normally get done,” Sofia says. “As a matter of fact, I wanted to ask if you need any PA help this week. I have Wednesday off, and I’d be happy to fill in.”

Brandon shuts his eyes and runs a palm over his forehead. “That’s very kind of you, but to be honest, I’m not sure.” He smiles sheepishly. “Not having a PA means I’m also in charge of scheduling, and I haven’t made a schedule for the volunteers yet.” He chuckles. “You’d never think I once owned a business with the mess I am right now.”

I frown. “What happened to your PA?”

“She’s on maternity leave,” Sofia says, smiling. “And Pastor Brandon thinks he can do it all.”

He shakes his head. “I miscalculated. The problem with volunteers is it’s a hassle to arrange and schedule everything. It becomes a job of its own. And Daisy normally does so much more than typical PA tasks. She has a bachelor’s in church history, so she helps me with sermons. I didn’t realize how much I needed her until she went on leave.”

Sofia’s eyes grow wide. “Mari has a history degree.”

Heat creeps into my neck. Where is she going with this?

Brandon licks his lip. “Yeah, I know.”

“And she’s been looking for some kind of volunteer or internship position before she starts graduate school.” Sofia looks at me. “This is perfect. You can fill in for Daisy’s last few months off. Mom and Dad would be ecstatic.”

My mouth falls open. Why the hell does she want me to do this? She knows I’m not suited for…

Oh my God. She planned this.

My gaze rushes over Brandon’s face, but he looks just as baffled as I am. Maybe he’s not in on her scheme.

But Dad is. Maybe even Mom too.

And how can I say no? In the two months since I graduated, Mom and Dad have been paying my portion of the rent on the apartment Sofia and I share, which they said they wouldn’t do unless I found an internship or was volunteering somewhere. Not to mention the fact that they had to fund an extra two years of college after I changed my major, which my dad loves to remind me of whenever he wants something from me.

“I’d love to help,” I say, my voice strained.

Something strange and unreadable flashes in Brandon’s eyes. He clears his throat. “I don’t want to put you out. It’s a lot of hours to work without getting paid.”

“It’ll look great on my resume.” I force a smile. “We’ll call it an internship. Make sure you throw in some theology education, Pastor.”

His gaze drops to my mouth, and my stomach flutters. I wasn’t even trying to flirt with him, though I usually only call him Pastor as a tease when I want to fluster him.

“Well…” He swallows. “I guess it’s the perfect situation.”

Sofia grins. “Yay! Mom and Dad will be overjoyed when they find out.”

My stomach plummets. I’m playing right into their plans to “fix” me.

Which means they’re all bound for yet another disappointment.

“When can she start?” Sofia asks.

“Well…” Brandon swallows. “We have volunteers for the position this week, but I suppose I could tell them they aren’t needed anymore. Would you be able to come in Monday?”

Was it just my imagination, or did his voice quiver a little bit?

I smile. “I’ll be here.”

As we walk to the car, I turn to Sofia. “Did Mom and Dad ask you to volunteer me?”

She shrugs without looking my way, “So what if they did? It’s a good opportunity for you to learn some church history.”

Since she refuses to meet my eyes, I take the opportunity to roll them as dramatically as I can. This is always how it is with my family. Being the youngest means they shamelessly try to take control of my life whenever they see fit. None of them have any clue what qualifies as a good internship for my concentration, and now I’m locked into one I don’t really need.

But at least I’ll be seeing Pastor Brandon every day.