Lust: Chapter 28

“Sofia…” Brandon’s voice is strangled as he frantically zips up his pants.

Sofia stands frozen in the doorway, her eyes darting up and down. And her face… Oh God, her face. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it—those wide eyes, that quivering mouth.

She’s terrified.

The room spins around me, and my heart pounds violently in my chest. My hand instinctively moves to smooth down my skirt over my bare skin.

“What…” Brandon blinks. “What are you doing here?”

Sofia’s quiet for a long moment. “I texted you.” Her voice is small. Faint. “I wanted to see your office.”

It’s only now that I’m able to take in her appearance—her emerald dress and perfectly curled hair. Of course. She’s going to see Finn. She mentioned something yesterday about wanting to see Brandon first so that she could rub it in Finn’s face.

Maybe she won’t go see Finn now. Maybe she’ll go straight to my parents’ house to let them know what she walked in on.

The thought isn’t the least bit comforting.

“Oh, I…” Brandon swallows. “I didn’t see your text.”

Sofia’s jaw ticks. “No, you were busy.”

Brandon flinches as if physically struck. “Yes.” His voice is just above a whisper.

For a moment, there’s silence. Then Sofia laughs, a brittle, haunting sound that drifts through the room like smoke. “I can’t believe this, Brandon. I can’t believe this is who you are. You’re a fucking liar. A charlatan pastor like the…” She shakes her head. “You’re like the pastors who have affairs and order call girls and then have the audacity to preach on Sunday as if nothing happened. Except it’s my baby sister you took advantage of.”

“Sofi, I’m a grown woman.” The words are out before I can think, and I want to bite them back into my mouth. Now is not the time to try reasoning with her.

She pins me with a hard stare. “How long has this been going on?”

“Since two weeks ago,” Brandon says, his voice unsteady.

Sofia huffs. “So Mariana is the woman you sinned with. Your PA.”

Brandon shuts his eyes. “Yes.”

“And you kept sinning.” She gestures at the desk.

“Yes.”

“How could you do…” She shakes her head, blinking rapidly. “What I just saw you do. Do you have no respect for my family? For my dad?”

Brandon shuts his eyes, and I can feel his despair in the air between us. “I love your dad. I don’t… I didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

Sofia laughs humorlessly. “I think you just didn’t care. You’re just as bad as secular men of the world, Brandon. You’re so sex crazed, you don’t care who you hurt.”

Rage flares suddenly, making my tongue loose. “Sofi, that’s ridiculous. You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

Brandon turns to me, lifting a hand. His eyes are so cold and remote, I want to curl into a ball on the floor. Gone is the man who sat in his desk chair and watched me with wicked eyes.

“I’m going to tell Mom and Dad,” Sofi says. “I’m going to tell them exactly what I walked in on.”

Brandon lifts his chin. “That’s your right.”

For the first time since Sofia walked in on us, his voice is firm. Of course. He probably wants her to tell my dad.

He wants atonement.

Sofia’s eyes meet mine one last time before she turns around and marches away, and a heavy silence settles over the room. I turn to look at Brandon, and his face is taut. His eyes are dark and unreadable.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

He sighs heavily. “I should be asking you that. I’m the one who wronged you.”

My teeth clench of their own will, even though I expected this from him. “That’s ridiculous.”

He whips around to face me, his eyes flashing. “Do you have any idea what just happened here? She walked in on me with my young PA bent over my desk in the middle of my church. Pastors get fired for far less than this.”

My throat squeezes tight. Why didn’t I think of that? He said getting caught would be a scandal for him. He could lose everything. This church gave him community and meaning, and he could lose it all.

Because of me.

“I won’t let that happen,” I say firmly. “I’ll make sure my family doesn’t do anything about this. They probably won’t want to anyway, because of my reputation.”

His eyes grow unfocused. “I almost want to get fired. I deserve it.”

I scowl at him. “You deserve it? What about your church? They’ll be losing an incredible pastor with a gift for teaching, all because of what?” I gesture at his desk. “A little fun you had with a fully consenting woman?” I shake my head. “Maybe men of God need to give up on black and white thinking. It seems to be pretty self-serving if you ask me.”

“Self-serving?” He takes a step in my direction. “This is the first time I haven’t thought about myself since this madness began.”

“Oh, really? Wanting punishment to make yourself feel better? It sounds pretty self-serving to me. Kinky, even.”

He scowls before looking away from me. “I’m unfit to be a pastor. I’m just like—” His lips close. “I’m unfit.”

“Oh, you’re just like your dad, huh? Is that what you were going to say?”

When he flinches, I want to reach out and touch him, but I must hold my ground. I can let go of his rejection of me—however much it hurts—but I refuse to stand by and watch him throw away everything that brings him meaning just because of some stupid guilt.

He swallows. “I knew I had his tendencies, but I never thought I’d do what he did.”

“How is this what he did?” I raise both hands in the air. “Do you have a wife you’re hiding?”

“I betrayed people I love.”

I let out a groan, unable to help myself. “People who have no business feeling betrayed. My dad doesn’t own me. Purity culture has certainly worked hard to make him think he does, but the reality is this has nothing to do with him.”

“It doesn’t matter what the truth is. It doesn’t matter who’s right.” He’s nearly shouting now, and I welcome it. “He’s my dearest friend, and he asked me to help his daughter. Help her spiritually. How do you think he’ll feel when he finds out I bent her over my desk instead?” He shakes his head. “People of integrity don’t willfully hurt the people they love most.”

And I’m not one of those people.

“What about me?” I ask, because I can’t just pretend it isn’t shattering my heart to hear him put my father above me yet again.

His stern expression falters as he looks away. “We may never see each other again.”

My head grows a little fuzzy. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Your family will probably hate me after this. The very least I can do for them is stay away from you.”

My whole body grows cold, and the world around me grows suddenly darker. I never understood the phrase “rose-colored glasses” until now. I thought it was only a metaphor, but there’s a shade to the room that wasn’t there a moment ago. It’s not rose colored but a hideously dim orange and red, as if the sun were burning out.

I don’t think words could work their way out of my throat even if I expended every ounce of my will.

I need to get out of here.

If he senses my turmoil, he doesn’t show it. His handsome face is hard and cold. Without a word, I make my way out of the office. I don’t bother to gather my things. I just rush down the hallway, and before I know it, I’m sprinting.

As soon as I slam my car door, my phone chimes.

I let out a long breath. Absolutely fucking not. I’m getting the hell out of town.

I pull up my phone and type in the first place that comes to mind. After a few clicks, the voice of my navigation starts talking. I pull up a playlist on Spotify and turn up the volume as loud as my ears can tolerate.

Brandon

It’s been three agonizing days since I last saw her. The memory of her retreating back as she walked away from me plays on loop in my head. Her padding footsteps, their slowly increasing speed will probably echo in my ears for the rest of my life.

Loving her is the worst pain, but didn’t I predict it would be? This is my punishment, and I deserve this overwhelming ache in my chest.

I took advantage of her. I wanted her so badly, I threw my morals into the dust and stomped all over them.

I wanted her at all costs.

Even when it meant betraying everyone I hold dear.

“Do you think I should tell my congregation,” I ask my bishop.

He leans back into his desk chair. “If you feel like full transparency is necessary—spiritually necessary, that is—then perhaps. Otherwise, I don’t see the purpose. You’re repentant. You’ve put an end to your sin.”

I let out a long breath. “There needs to be consequences. At the very least, you should formally reprimand me.”

He’s quiet for a long while because that is his way. He doesn’t have the warmest disposition, and yet his silence is more soothing than any words of comfort.

“Bludgeoning yourself won’t do you any good. You know that. Why don’t you take a few weeks off and spend some time in prayer?”

I shut my eyes, running my hands over my head. “A vacation. Just what I deserve after everything I’ve done.”

“And what about your pain? Is that not a punishment?”

“Not when…” I inhale sharply through my nose, fighting the wave of emotion squeezing my throat. “I don’t regret what I’ve done. Not for a moment. Every time I think back on it all… Every time I imagine going back in time, I know I would do it again. Even after all the people I hurt.”

His chair squeaks as he leans forward. “That’s probably because you have feelings for the girl. Or woman, I should say.”

I scoff. “She is a girl. And I hurt her the most. She might not see it now, but she will someday. She’ll remember me as that former friend of her dad’s who took advantage of her.”

That thought is agony. My memories of her are so precious I wish I could bottle them up and open them whenever the world gets too cold.

“What kind of person doesn’t regret something like this?” I ask almost to myself. “I’ve probably lost my dearest friend.”

“Only you can answer that.”

“My worthless father never regretted anything either. He’s never apologized to my mom. Or Ethan’s.” I laugh humorlessly. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard an apology from him for anything.”

He lets out a long sigh. “It’s not about feelings, Brandon. It’s about choices. You’re already different from your dad just by the fact that you came to me and confessed.”

I grunt. “When I got caught, yes.”

He sighs heavily. “I don’t know what more I can say to you. If you really want punishment, reflect on everything you’ve lost. Emotional pain is much more powerful than anything I could say or do.”

I nod.

“And maybe reconsider if this is all what you really want. You wouldn’t be the first pastor to start over with a woman after wrongdoing. Just because you sinned, doesn’t mean you’ve ruined your future with this woman.”

Longing wraps around my lungs, squeezing so tightly it’s hard to take a breath. I don’t even want to imagine a future with her. It’s too agonizingly sweet to bear.

She deserves so much more than a broken man like me.

When I step out of my car, I catch sight of a man standing on my porch balcony. Even yards away and with his back to me, I feel his rage like a bonfire.

Hector.

I called him the day after Sofia walked in on me and Mariana, almost certain that she had told him everything by then. His lack of answer or callback only confirmed it. I’ve texted him several times over the last three days without receiving even an acknowledgement.

Looks like we’re about to have our reckoning.

I let out a long breath as I make my way to the porch. I know he hears my footsteps, but he stays where he is, as if enjoying the view of the ocean.

He probably wants to throw me over the cliff.

“I know you want to hit me,” I say when I get close. “So go ahead.”

Hector whips around, his jaw clenching. For a moment, it seems like he might actually do it. But then he releases a breath and shakes his head. “You must think all men of God sin as carelessly as you.”

The rebuke is like needles pricking all over my skin, more insidiously painful than a punch would be. I wasn’t careless. I cared a great deal about how he would feel if he found out about me and Mariana.

And I hurt him anyway.

Hector’s nostrils flare. “Is your idea of ministry sleeping with my daughter in your office?”

I shut my eyes. “You know it isn’t. What I did was despicable.”

Hector’s face softens for a moment and then hardens again. “She’s my little girl, Brandon. You slept with my little girl.”

The anguish in his voice fills my stomach with cold sickness even as irritation heats my skin. I hate that I hurt him so deeply, but for fuck’s sake, she’s not a little girl. It’s only now that I hear my own words echoed back to me that their hollowness rings true.

“I know,” I say softly. I can’t give him any hint of my thoughts. He’d take it as me making an excuse for my reprehensible behavior.

“Why did you do it?” he bites out. “Was it because Sofia wouldn’t sleep with you? You probably wish she was faltering in her faith like my Mari, so you could have gotten what you really wanted.”

My eyes widen. Somehow in the mire of everything, I’d forgotten that Hector is still unaware of mine and Sofia’s agreement. “No,” I say quickly. “I never felt that way for Sofia. I never should have courted her to begin with.”

He huffs, shaking his head. “I never would have pushed you to do it if I knew this is who you really are.”

I wince. His words are like a stab in my chest. What can I say in reply? That I was weak? That I was lonely? The truth is so much more disgusting.

Fucking your daughter was more exquisite than the moment you brought me to Christ.

“You’re no longer welcome in my home,” he says with a finality that leaves me breathless. “And if you ever come near my little girl again, I won’t hit you, but I will get you fired, Brandon. I’ll make it my mission. I know you’re a big man here in Santa Barbara, but I’ve built a lot of connections with important people over the years. Don’t try it.”

I expected this, but holy fuck. The man who in some ways replaced my father has been yanked from me forever because of my own selfishness.

Hector is standing right here, and yet he’s gone from my life. The family I came to love is no longer mine.

The woman I love is gone forever.

Fuck, I never thought I could feel a pain like this again. This is like the moment I watched my mom leave the world. Her breathing had been labored for hours—a torture to witness—and then it suddenly went shallow. Each breath tinier than the last. Even though I had been waiting for death, hoping her pain would end soon, I still wanted to scream and beg her to stay for just a little while longer.

But I couldn’t. I had to let her go.