Lust: Chapter 29

“Apparently, my whole family had a meeting behind my back,” I tell Livvy over the phone. “It was a whole thing. Even my tias and tios were there. Ridiculous.”

“They should be more worried about where you are right now than who you’re sleeping with.”

Livvy’s sweet indignation makes me smile dreamily. I sink deeper into the plush chaise, my head a little hazy from the heat of the sun. Around me, the sounds of water splashing and children’s voices filter through the air. My heart is quiet for the first time in three days.

This will have to be a new beginning for me. My relationship with my family imploded because I hurt them, but it was bound to happen eventually. Their slow rejection over the years has been constantly on my mind—Sofia’s rejection of me most of all—but I’ve never spoken a word of it to any of them. I was as full of resentment as an overblown balloon.

This isn’t how I wanted to force a confrontation, but at least now we’ll all have to talk. To finally have it all out.

When I tell them I’m an atheist, they’ll probably blame it all on Brandon. Think that he disillusioned me further about the church. But that’s not my problem. I can’t control their willful delusions anymore, like my dad’s heartfelt belief that he can bring me back to God by sheer will.

I can only control myself.

“They all think I’m with you,” I say.

“Yet none of them have called me. Our dads got lunch together the other day, and Ness says all they did was pray for you. It’s so annoying, Mari. Why are Christians so stupid sometimes? I can’t believe I used to be the same way—giving my ‘thoughts and prayers’ when I should have been taking action.”

Livvy sounds so sweetly outraged I want to laugh. Ever since she deconstructed her own faith, she’s given me frequent apologies for the “insensitive things” she used to say to me when she was more fundamentalist. They don’t bother me like they bother her. Who cares who she used to be? She’s not that way anymore.

Maybe there’s hope for my family.

“I’m driving to Anaheim,” she says, her voice firm.

I frown. “No way. You have way too much going on. I feel like shit that I’m not there with you a week before your wedding.”

“You know I don’t care about that.” Livvy exhales a long breath. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come? Everything is pretty much ready to—”

“Olivia Grace Gallo, soon to be Olivia Grace Walker. Stop.”

The sound of her laughter fills my chest with warmth. “I’m probably making you feel worse, huh?”

I smile. “Yes.”

A silence follows. The only sound coming through the phone is the distant hum of the ocean. She’s probably sitting on her kitchen patio. The thought is comforting, like I’m there with her.

“Alright,” she eventually says, “But promise me you’ll come home soon. Getting some space is good, but I don’t want you to isolate yourself.”

“Don’t worry about me. Right now, I’m watching kids play in the pool.”

She sighs. “Aww, I wish I was there with you, love.”

“I’ll come home tomorrow. I promise.”

I’ll have to face it all then. Including my heartbreak and the reality of moving forward in my life as a stranger to Brandon.

Fuck, why does love have to be so painful?

Brandon

Sofia stares down at her coffee cup, her expression masked. Our conversation for the last ten minutes has been stilted to say the least, but I expected it.

A few hours after Hector left my house yesterday, I got a text from her. She said she wanted to talk and insisted it would be civil. I told her she didn’t have to make me any promises. If she wanted to scream at me, I wouldn’t mind. I owe that to her.

At first, I couldn’t believe that she wanted to meet at our usual Starbucks—the place we spent those first few dates—but after I thought about it, it made perfect sense. This is a safe place for her. She’s uncertain about me now after the way I betrayed her family.

She looks up at me, her eyes glassy but determined. “Why did you do it?”

My hands tremble, so I set them firmly on my lap. “I didn’t… I didn’t think about the consequences. I was incredibly selfish.”

She frowns. “Didn’t God convict your heart? While it was happening, I mean.”

“He did.” My voice is hushed. “All the time. But I ignored it.”

Her expression grows pensive. We sit in silence, the air heavy between us.

“I guess I need to forgive you.” Her voice is quieter than before. “God has already forgiven you. I should too.”

I lean forward, setting my elbows on the table. “I don’t think he expects it of you. I wronged you, Sofia. I hurt your whole family. You have a right to be angry. Ultimately, forgiving me would be for your heart alone. To free you of the burden of being angry.”

“I guess that’s true.” She smiles sadly to herself. “To be honest, my heart isn’t free. It’s full of…sin. Maybe it’s good this happened. I deserved it.”

I frown. “What do you mean?”

Her grimace is so faint and quick, I would have missed it if my gaze weren’t fixed on her face. “I’ve done something bad. Something wrong. Worse than what you and Mariana did, because I violated God’s covenant of marriage.”

I open my mouth and close it, unable to find the words. I can guess where this conversation is going, but I don’t want to push her toward it.

“I can’t believe…” She shuts her eyes and takes a breath. “I can’t believe I did it. I still feel like… Like it was someone else.” Her eyes open suddenly and probe me with a hard stare. “Do you think it’s possible that I have a demon inside me?”

The earnestness in the question makes my heart clench, making me want to rage against the church she was raised in, the one that used to be mine. She truly believes garbage like this.

“No,” I say firmly.

She frowns. “It never crossed your mind that maybe you do? When you… When you were sleeping with my sister?”

“Never.”

It was more like fearing that I’d found heaven and would be cast away from it. Like Moses being forbidden from entering the promised land.

I squeeze her hand. “We all sin, Sofia. We don’t need any extra help from the devil to do it.”

She nods rapidly, and her chest heaves. A soft little cry follows, and I sit while she weeps soundlessly. A short while later, she wipes under her eyes with her fingers and lets out a brittle laugh. “Everyone is probably staring at me, huh?”

“No,” I say without looking around. “No one even noticed.”

She takes a shaky breath through her mouth. “What you said…about being set free. Would you mind… I probably sound unhinged asking this after all that’s happened between us, but would you mind praying for me?”

A strange lightness lifts at my limbs. “Not at all.”

I take a deep breath before bowing my head. “Dear Lord, I ask that you help Sofia find peace in her heart. Let her know how much you love her. How you can forgive her for anything that she’s done. Allow her heart to be set free.”

“Yes, Lord,” Sofia whispers.

“And remind us, Lord, that we can always turn to you in our darkest hours. That your love is unconditional, your mercy boundless.”

“Amen,” Sofia whispers, her face serene, the tension eased from her features. “I have a favor to ask. Can we still… I’ve been dreading Livvy’s wedding so much—because of Finn—and now after what I’ve done…” She shuts her eyes, shaking her head. “I have to go. The Gallos are like family. My parents would never let me miss it, but I don’t want to do it alone. Would you mind if we still went together as friends?”

I haven’t even let myself think about how I’m officiating Livvy’s wedding in a few days, and how I’ll be forced to be around all the people I’ve lost.

I’ll be forced to see her, possibly for the last time.

I force a smile. “I’m honored that you still want to go with me, but I don’t think your dad would allow it.”

She rolls her eyes dramatically, looking so like my sweet Mariana that my chest aches. “My dad needs to mind his own business. It’s partly his fault I feel like such a failure for being single at twenty-nine. In some ways… I think I had a harder time getting over Finn because he was so devastated by it all. He felt so sorry for me.”

I nod, not wanting to speak ill of Hector after all that I’ve done.

Her eyes grow determined. “Will you help me take charge of my own life by doing this for me?”

I smile. “I will.”

Her cheeks darken. “Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure.”

Her smile fades. “What’s going to happen with Mariana? Are you going to keep…dating her?”

Hearing her name makes a rope coil around my lungs. “No, that’s over.” I frown. “She didn’t tell you?”

She averts her gaze. “None of us have talked to her in days. I think she’s staying with Livvy.”

“You think?”

When she flinches, I realize that must have sounded like an accusation.

“She told us all she needed space,” she says, her tone defensive. “My family can be a little intense during a crisis.”

“But you don’t know where she is?”

She shrugs. “She’s very social. She has plenty of friends she could be staying with.”

“Have you talked to Livvy?” I clip out.

“No, but Livvy’s fiercely loyal to Mari. I think she’s mad at all of us…”

Sofia keeps talking, but I hardly hear the words. A cold dread wraps around my heart. Mari might not even be with Livvy for all we know. She could have gone anywhere.

She’s adrift, and it’s all because of me.

God, keep her safe.