Lust: Chapter 30

Mariana is still nowhere to be found.

I’ve called her sixteen times in the last twenty-four hours and heard nothing but her voicemail.

That sweet melodic lilt of her playful voice and that little giggle at the end. Fuck, I love her laugh.

I’ll die if I can never hear it in person again.

Restlessness courses through me like a flock of startled birds. The silence of my house closes in, pressing against my ribcage.

Fuck, I can’t live like this.

Here I am prowling through the suitcase I never emptied after the trip to Big Sur, an animalistic desperation driving me. I’m looking for something of hers. I know that’s what I’m doing, even though I’ve felt disembodied from my actions since I heard she was missing. I’m going mad.

Finding something of hers won’t make me feel any better. Her things aren’t her.

I need to take action. Even when it’s not my place to do it.

I frantically pull out my phone. My hand shakes as I press Livvy’s name on the screen. Thankfully, she picks up immediately.

Her tone is light as we exchange a bit of small talk about plans for the rehearsal dinner. A prickling sensation begins at the base of my skull, slowly creeping down my spine like a spider. Does she sound this way because she knows where Mari went?

“Oh, and one more thing,” I say, unable to wait any longer. “I talked to Sofia yesterday, and she was a little worried about Mariana. She says she hasn’t heard from her in days.” I swallow. “Is she with you?”

There’s a long pause.

Too long.

“Why hasn’t Sofia called me if she’s worried about Mari?”

The hint of accusation in her tone is a balm. She wouldn’t sound indignant if she were worried.

Mariana must be with her.

“I’m not sure,” I answer.

“I haven’t heard from Mari either,” Livvy says, her tone biting.

The breath leaves my lungs.

“I need to go,” Livvy says. “Sofia and I need to talk.”

I take a deep breath to fight the dizziness descending over me. If Livvy hasn’t heard from her, this is dire.

As soon as Livvy hangs up, I pull up Mariana’s name in my contact list. My heart thrums in my ears as I press her name for the seventeenth time. It rings once before going to voicemail, and I want to throw my phone against the wall.

Lord, help me find her.

Mariana

Rows of vineyards stretch out along the rolling hills. The evening sun casts a golden hue over the narrow highway.

Damn, I love driving. The rumble of the road makes my frazzled brain grow quiet. I could almost forget that I’ll be back in Santa Barbara in an hour, and all of my troubles will be in front of me again.

The buzz of my phone interrupts the lulling hum of the road. When I glance at the screen and see the name, my heart seizes.

Brandon.

After taking a deep breath, I set the phone back in the cup holder and tighten my grip on the wheel. This is probably the twentieth time he’s tried to call me, but I’ve somehow been able to stay strong. I haven’t even listened to any of his voicemails.

At first, I was impressed with myself for my strength. What if those voicemails are full of regret and longing? What if he’s telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life, and he wants to be with me no matter what? Even if it means losing his church.

But what if he’s not?

I’d rather hang on to this heavenly hope, even if it makes me feel pathetic. I’ll face the reality when I get back to Santa Barbara.

As the voicemail notification chimes, I force myself to take in my surroundings. The ocean stretches out, an endless blue. The house in the distance is as big as a castle, like Brandon’s house. What would it be like to live there with him, waking up every morning to a view like this?

I’d scarcely see it because I’d have him. His big body would be wrapped around mine like it was in those magical few nights we had on that trip. Or maybe I’d be sitting at a vanity while he braids my hair. We’d be too consumed with each other to notice the view.

Ugh. Fantasies like that will only slow the healing of my broken heart. I’ve seen evidence of it in Sofia.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on her for holding on to Finn so tightly.

An hour later, I stretch my arms up high after stepping out of the car. The air is much cooler than it was in Anaheim, and it’s refreshing after my long, stuffy car ride.

Everything will be okay.

I’m resilient.

As soon as I open my apartment door, Brandon’s huge form looms over me. “Why the fuck did you not return a single one of my calls?”

I take a step back, and my pulse pounds against my throat. “What are you doing here?”

His jaw clenches. “Answer my question.”

I blink once, hardly able to process the sight in front of me. What is he even doing here? I glance at his side and see Sofia on the couch. She shoots me an apologetic look. “I told him you were fine.”

“Answer my question, Mariana,” Brandon repeats.

My head grows fuzzy. This was the very last thing I’d expected to encounter when I came home. Why are they even hanging out?

I swallow. “I was waiting until I got back into town to call you.”

He crosses his arms over his chest, his jaw ticking. “You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of sending a text and letting me know you’re alright?”

“I didn’t know you were worried. I thought you were calling about…everything that happened.”

His nostrils flare. “I’m supposed to believe you didn’t listen to a single one of my voicemails or read a single one of my texts?”

My skin heats at his high-handedness. Why does he think he has the right to behave this way after he told me we could never see each other again?

I grab my phone and shove it in his face. “Here. Take a look.”

Brandon snatches it from my hand and starts scrolling through my messages. If I weren’t so frazzled, I would laugh. He’s back to being my stern boss daddy.

Brandon shoves the phone back into my hand. “Fine. You didn’t listen to them. Still, you should have known we’d all be worried sick.”

Rage flares suddenly, compelling me to step closer, nearly grazing his chest with mine. I raise my chin to meet his gaze. “Not after Monday, Brandon. I believe your exact words were, ‘we may never see each other again.’”

His eyes soften. “I’m sorry. I thought something happened to you. So did Sofia.”

“Really?” I grit my teeth. “Because she doesn’t look worried at all.”

Sofia winces. “I told him it wasn’t unusual for you to go on a trip by yourself.”

There’s no anger in her voice. There’s not even coldness. She sounds almost like the Sofia from my youth.

What is going on with her?

“Where were you?” Brandon asks, his tone deceptively casual.

I shrug. “It’s none of your business.”

His eye twitches. “Were you safe?”

I snort. “As you can see, I’m fine.” I push past him and walk toward Sofia. Her eyes are huge, but she doesn’t seem upset.

Something’s changed in her. I can’t quite pinpoint it, but she’s different than she was before I left. And strangely, the change is not anger or pious self-righteousness or anything I’d expect after what she caught me doing.

“I need to talk to my sister,” I say. “Please give us some space.”

For a moment, Brandon just stares at me, his eyes wide. “Again, I’m sorry.” His voice is rough. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper.”

“That’s okay,” I say, but I make a pointed glance at the door.

I won’t accept half measures from him any longer. If he wants to have a conversation, he needs to admit that I’m a grown woman. He needs to tell me outright that he accepts me as an atheist. Not just as a human being, but as a partner. His partner.

“I’ll…” He scratches the back of his head. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sounds good.” I keep my tone curt.

His eyes grow determined. “We need to have a conversation. Things ended too abruptly last week.”

“We can do that.” I smile tightly. “But not now.”

Those determined eyes grow hesitant, and exhilaration pumps through my veins. I’m taking control. He doesn’t get to boss me around like he used to.

As soon as he leaves, I turn to Sofia. I can’t approach her yet. I need to gauge her emotions first. Is she going to lash out at me now that he’s gone?

I almost wish she would call me a sinning whore for what I did—if that’s what she’s really thinking—but she only stares back at me with a placid expression.

I don’t get it. It’s like she’s transformed.

Something happened.

“Can I sit down?”

She frowns. “Are you really asking me if you can sit on your own couch?”

“I’m asking if you’re too mad to let me anywhere near you.”

She lets out a long sigh. “I’m not mad at you.”

I find myself walking over to her cautiously, and I’m not quite sure why. “Why are you acting so weird?” I ask as I sit down.

“What do you mean?”

“You saw something really shocking last week. Why aren’t you asking me a million questions?”

She glances down at her lap. “It’s none of my business.”

I shake my head. “I don’t get it. When Dani’s sister moved in with her boyfriend, both of you were crying over it. Like she died. Why aren’t you crying over what I did?”

She shuts her eyes, licking her lips. “I’m more mature than I was back then.”

I scowl at her, unable to help myself. “That was last year.”

“A lot can happen in a year.”

Her voice is quiet, almost dispassionate. This isn’t like her. Even the old Sofia—the one who adored me—wouldn’t be this stoically forgiving if I had done something really bad.

“What happened?” I ask.

She flinches. “Nothing.”

“Yes, it did. Something happened, and it made you forget what happened with me.”

She grows very still, almost frozen, and I feel something in the air between us.

She’s upset about something.

I set my hand on hers. “Sofi, is everything okay?”

Her lips twitch slightly, and then her face scrunches inward. She covers her eyes with her hands and lets out a heaving sob.

“Oh, Sofi.” I rub my hand up her arm. “What happened? Who do I need to beat up?”

She shakes her head rapidly, not even giving me a crying smile. “It’s all me. I did something really, really bad.”

Suddenly, it all clicks into place. The emerald dress. Showing up at Brandon’s office that day.

She didn’t forget about Finn after what she saw. She probably went straight to her little meetup with him.

And she would have been emotional and vulnerable from the scene she had just witnessed…

I run my hand up her shoulder and give it a squeeze. “Did you have sex with Finn?”

Her head jerks up, her eyes popping open. “How did you know?”

I smile sadly as I play with the hair hanging over her shoulder. “It was bound to happen.”

She scowls, gritting her teeth. “Bound to happen? You think that little of me?”

I repress a smile. She’s too fragile right now for me to point out that she actually did the thing that she’s outraged at me for predicting.

“I don’t think little of you at all. I just think given your history with Finn, and how much he hurt y—”

“It’s still disgusting, Mari. Finn has a wife. I violated the covenant of marriage. I gave my purity…” Her lips quiver. “I gave up my purity to a married man. I had an affair. I’m a sinner.”

I squeeze her hand. “Aren’t we all sinners?”

She lets out a groan, collapsing back onto the couch and covering her face with her hands. “You don’t get it,” she mumbles into her palms. “You could never get it because sex means nothing to you. I gave up everything. I hate myself.”

I reach out and gently pull her hands away from her face, leaning in to catch her gaze. “I don’t buy that purity bullshit. You didn’t give him anything other than sex.”

“I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive myself,” she whispers as if she didn’t hear me, her eyes filling with tears again.

“You will,” I say firmly. “You made a mistake because you’re human, but you won’t beat yourself up forever, because you know it won’t do any good. What’s done is done. The best thing you can do for Finn’s wife is leave him behind.”

She sniffs, wiping her eyes. “Do you think I need to tell her what happened?”

I squeeze her hand. “That’s up to you. I don’t think you need to make any decisions right away though. Let yourself heal first.”

She nods slowly, her eyes dazed. “You really don’t think less of me?”

I snort. “Four days ago, I was bent over a pastor’s desk with my ass in the air.”

She slams her palm over her mouth and bursts into laughter, and I laugh with her. God, it feels so good to laugh after the misery of the past few days.

Sofia shoots me a watery smile. “Thanks for traumatizing me, by the way. I think that image is burned into my memory forever. That and Brandon’s…” She lowers her voice. “Penis.”

My laughter turns into a shrieking cackle. “He has a nice one, huh?”

She wrinkles her nose. “Gross. I don’t think penises can possibly look nice. I didn’t even see Finn’s, thankfully. It was too dark.”

I suck in my lips. “Am I allowed to ask you how it was? Your first time, I mean?”

Her expression grows stern. “No, Mariana Isabel, you’re not. I’m not going to compound my sin by adding lust and gossip to it. I need you to give me the space to repent.”

“I can do that.”

She stares at me for a long while, mischief alighting her eyes. “It was good though,” she says quickly. “Really good.”

My eyes grow huge, and she smiles slyly back at me.

Lightness fills my body. My God, this is what I’ve longed for since we’ve grown apart. I’ve wanted to sit and talk about boys together like we did years ago.

All isn’t lost. I can pick up the pieces and move on. Even if I’ll never have the man I love, my family will always be here for me. My imperfect family who loves me fiercely.