Chapter Fifteen - Irreversible

La douleur exquise:

(n.) The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

Chapter Fifteen – Irreversible

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'I'm going to church today. Are you coming with me?' Charlotte asks me with a smile.

Since the moment we woke up that smile has been here and it makes me incredibly anxious. Because it keeps reminding me of what I did last night, of the mistake I made.

'Nah, I'm going out for a bit.' My voice is steady as ever as I try to keep my emotions inside. Charlotte can't know that I'm not really into this marriage. She has to think that I love her as much "as I always did", maybe even a bit more. Because as long as she believes in this, I can pretend to be happy and play a couple with her. And as long as I can keep that act up, I will be able to keep seeing Evan. At least if he still wants to see me after I tell him that I proposed to Charlotte.

'OK that's fine.' Charlotte says and I am surprised by her answer. Usually when Charlotte asks if I will come along to church with her it's not as much as a choice as she makes it look like. I am lucky she respects the fact I don't want to come along every week, but when she asks me she wants me to be here. But sitting through two hours of talking about God while you don't really believe in him is real tough.

I pick up my bowl and put it in the dishwasher before making my way upstairs. I pick up my phone from the charger and sit on the edge of the bed.

To: [Evan Knight]

From: [Me]

9:45 a.m.

You free? X

I almost feel traitorous as I put the X at the end of my text, as if it doesn't really belong there. Evan shouldn't have to deal with this, but I so desperately want him to, even if it's just for me. And I know that's selfish, but I have grown attached to him and the thought of having to be without him - especially after being married- makes me want to cry.

To: [Me]

From: [Evan Knight]

9:47 a.m.

Sure, u coming right now? X

I look around the room for a second thinking about if I have anything to do. Charlotte will be gone for two hours and then she'll probably stay to chat with some of her friends.

'Alex, I'm going now. I'll see you in a couple of hours.' Charlotte screams from downstairs and I roll my eyes in annoyance. I hate it when people don't just come to you, but scream instead.

'That's OK, see you soon.' I scream back, I don't think I makes sense anymore.

'Love you.' She screams and I just pretend to not hear it anymore. As I hear the door shut I look down at my phone again, remembering that I have to text Evan back.

To: [Evan Knight]

From: [Me]

9:54 a.m.

On my way X

I simply pull on a pair of pants and an old sweater of mine, not bothering with doing my hair or any of that. The only thing I do is brush my teeth, because I simply can't live with this sour taste in my mouth. I don't even care about the neighbourhood, or the fact that people will recognize me. I just take the car from our garage and drive away.

I don't know how I should tell him. I can't exactly barge in his house and tell him I'm going to marry Charlotte. I don't think there's a good way to bring him the news. I don't even want to bring him the news. How the hell am I supposed to reassure him when I can't even get myself together.

As I focus on the road I see a small child suddenly running over and I can stamp on my brake just in time. A screeching sound surrounds me and I can see the panicked look of the girl's mom as I stop not even two inches from her. A relieved breath escapes her as she runs towards the girl with tears in her eyes. She screams at the child as she pulls it to the side, not giving me as much as a second glance as tears fall from my eyes. I start my car again and drive further to Evan's home. I could have killed that girl, keeps running through my head.

And I could have, but I didn't.

I could have broken up with Charlotte and decided to run away with Evan, but I didn't. I'm surprised by the lack of stares from the people here as I come closer and closer to his small house. Within no time I'm there and now I just don't know what to do anymore. Since when did my life become such a struggle?

Without thinking about it twice I get out of the car, making sure all the important stuff is out of sight before locking it. I don't even know why I check, the car on its own looks like a million dollars to them. I wipe my sweaty hands on my pants as I walk up to his front door and before I can even prepare myself to knock the door is being opened.

Evan has a big smile on his face, but it gets worried the second he sees my puffy eyes. I just try to give him a small smile, some-thing to reassure him that I'm OK, but my attempt appears futile.

'What's wrong?' He asks me as he lets me in, shutting the door softly behind me. I take a deep breath and turn around to face him and as I see his face I break.

I push him against the door and a gasp of shock escapes him, but I cover it as I connect our lips. I let myself be selfish once more as we move our lips together. And I let myself enjoy one last time, because I just know that he won't be able to take it. When we break apart I keep him locked between me and the door with our foreheads pressed together. His soft breathing hits my lips and I can feel myself lean into his warmth, seeking for some kind of reassurance. And even though I won't be able to find it, I still keep up hope by thinking he will be fine with it all. He said he would be there when I would be forced to play happy with Charlotte, but he never said he would be some dirty little secret. He shouldn't have to be one.

'What's wrong?' He whispers and I can hear a small whimper escape me, almost out of desperation. He slowly wraps one hand around my waist as the other pulls my head towards his chest. Nothing about this position is comfortable, but the reassurance makes the pain in my back all the better.

'What is wrong?' He asks me again and the tears slowly start streaming down my cheeks.

'I'm sorry.' I whisper over and over again and I can feel his chest moving up and down a bit more drastically.

'What did you do?' Evan asks and I can hear the slight thrill in his voice, it shows me how scared he actually is.

'I-I asked her.' I say and it feels the same as last night when we slowly slide down the door until we're rested on the floor. I'm sitting in between his legs with my head still on his chest and his arms are still wrapped around me.

'What did you ask whom?' He blurts out and even though he already knows the answer, it's almost if he wants me to say the words.

'I asked Charlotte to marry me.' I get the sentence out in one breath and then my body shakes with my uncontrollable sobs. The sound of Evan's tears make everything even harder and I can't help myself as I press myself even closer to him.

'I won't be capable of that, Alexander.' Evan says and I nod my head in understanding.

'I know that.' I mutter and he slowly rests his head on mine. I don't know how long we stay like this, soaking in each other's presence. But eventually everything else starts to hurt and we are forced to break apart so we can stand up. And then we just stare at each other, both too lost in thoughts to say anything.

'Will you at least stay for dinner?' He whispers and I look up in surprise. He doesn't hate me, he doesn't want me gone and he isn't even incredibly angry. The thought makes it all harder, if he hates me it will be easier to just let go.

'If I may and you really want me to.' I whisper back and he just gives me a small nod. I send Charlotte a text so she's aware that I won't be eating with her tonight, but as I see her response she isn't too sad about it. It isn't awkward or uncomfortable as we sit in front of his TV watching a new episode of a soap of some sort. It actually feels like how it always feels when we're together; like home.

For the moment we have forgotten everything that happened and just try to have fun. And for us having fun means being together. We don't say much except from a couple of comments as something weird happens in this episode. But I don't feel the need to say much and I don't think Evan does either. We both have a plate of Chinese on our stomach as we are laid out on the couch, a table in front of us that supports our legs.

We are so close together that our shoulders are touching, but neither of us feels the need to move. I enjoy the feeling that he's still here, at least for now, but tomorrow when I wake up he may not be there anymore. We won't be texting or calling, no lunch dates or heated make out sessions. We won't even be able to sleep next to each other when Charlotte's away. Because when I say yes I promise her something and with her comes the community and family and above all of that there's God. And because Charlotte believes in that, I have to promise to God too. And even though I don't believe that he's there, the thought of lying to something that rules Charlotte's life feels even worse than just saying it to her.

I will myself to watch the episode that's on, to move my thoughts to something else, but my attempts seem futile.

I am shocked as Evan takes my plate from my hands and walks to-wards the kitchen. I see him putting the stuff on the counter be-fore walking back to me. But instead of laying himself down like he did before, he now moves himself on his side so he can lay his head on my shoulder. Out of reaction I put my hand on his shoulder, but I pull it back in hesitation. Maybe he doesn't want me to touch him. Luckily he knows my struggle as he intertwines our fingers over his shoulder. The position can't be comfortable for him, but he does it anyway. Probably with the same pain in his heart that I have, we just want to feel each other for as long as it may last. And it feels good to have him in my arms and to be this close to him. It feels even better knowing that I'm the only one that gets to hold him like this. I don't even want to know how he feels when he really starts thinking about it. He knows that every time he kisses me there's been someone before him and that must hurt. But knowing that I officially belong to someone else must be something that he can't live with and I wouldn't be able to either if I were him. So tonight we'll have to say goodbye and I will have to live my life as a big lie.

I hope that I'll at least be happy, but most of all that Evan will happy.

But I know that nomatter what, not on my happiest day, will I ever be able to put him out of mythoughts. And so I will never be able to forget that this is all a lie, butmaybe I deserve that much.

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A/N: </3 Broken hearted....

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~Noortje