31. Guilt

I lay under my white covers. Still. Like I'm dead.

It's super quiet here. My mom's gone away with her boyfriend. She left me a note just like I did. I think she might have done it to spite me.

Whatever, I don't care. If anything I'm happy to be alone.

It's been a week since Aron and I got back. A week since I went to see Chase in the hospital.

A week since I've spoken to Aron.

He's called me a few times but I don't pick up. I make sure the door is locked so when he comes he can't come in. And it's always quiet in here. I don't leave the bed.

My mind has been very.. dark these past couple of days.

I've thought of doing what Chase did more than I ever have. My mind is driving me insane.

I can't help but feel guilty and responsible for Chase, I can't help but hate myself for going to Alabama and I can't stop being angry at Aron.

I'm miserable. I want to die.

My phone buzzes.

Loren: Chase wants to see you. Come to school. Everyone's worried.

I bury my head in the mattress.

If I don't come it'll upset Chase. I can't let him down again.

Sky: i'll be there

I turn off my phone and hop in the shower.

I run my fingers through my hair and wonder why Chase is back at school so soon. Did his parents force him?

I throw on a big black hoodie, black sweat pants and black All Stars.

Today I want to disappear.

I pull up to school just as the lunch bell goes off.

I walk into campus and everyone starts whispering and staring at me.

After all, I haven't been here in two weeks. I pull my hoodie over my head.

"Yo dude, where the hell have you been?" Shawn pounds me.

I flinch. Dammit, I'm so weak.

"Just took a break." I answer

The other guys quickly follow. I look around for Aron but he's nowhere.

"I wish my parents would let me take a break whenever I needed one. Geez." Mikey says.

No, you don't. I sigh.

I look around the campus anxiously and then I spot Aron all the way at the back of the parking lot stepping out of his car. He doesn't see me.

"I gotta go." I say quickly and I walk off.

I go inside the school and look for Loren. I spot her at a table with Chase.

I go up to them.

Chase looks up surprised.

"Sky!" He says happily.

I work hard to smile.

"Why so surprised? You asked me to come, didn't you?"

Chase frowns. Then he looks at Loren who looks down guiltily.

"Loren! I told you not to bother him!" Chase says embarrassed.

"I know but.. you kept going on about how much you miss him and—"

"Loren!" He goes red.

I forgot how funny these two can be together.

I smirk.

"How've you been?" Chase asks, eyeing me deeply.

I look away from his earnest gaze.

I swallow.

"Good. Busy." I say.

"With what?" Loren snorts.

"I don't know. Things." I frown as I run my fingers through my hair.

"More importantly, why are you back so soon?" I ask Chase.

"I wanted to go.. I.."

"He wanted to see you." Loren says.

"LOREN!" He shrieks.

This time I can't help but laugh. This is hilarious.

My laugh fades as Aron walks into the cafeteria. His eyes immediately meet mine.

"Jesus." I say under my breath.

Chase follows my gaze and his shoulders slump.

Aron walks over to our table.

He keeps his intense eyes on me and ignores everyone else.

"So, care to explain to me why you haven't spoken to me in five fucking days?" He says angrily.

"Did you ever think that maybe I don't wanna talk to you?" I say irritated.

"Well, too bad. We need to talk. Now."

I cross my arms.

"No, we don't." I'd rather scratch my eyes out than go anywhere alone with him.

"Alright," Aron pulls out a seat. "Let's talk here then." He clenches his jaw.

Chase steps in. "He told you he doesn't wanna talk to you so why don't you just leave?"

Aron turns his head slowly to Chase.

"You just came out of the hospital right?" He takes a step closer to Chase. "Want me to put you back in?"

"Aron!" What the hell is wrong with him?!

People start whispering and staring at our table.

I get up.

"Fine. Let's talk."

Aron and I walk out of the cafeteria.

We're outside under a tree somewhere quiet.

I sit in the grass and pluck it. Aron stands in front of me.

"Why are you so mad at me? Is it really because of Chase?" He asks.

"Do you know how low of a place you have to get to to try to kill yourself? You helped in that!"

"Alright, maybe I was harsh but at least I told the truth!"

I get up.

"What does that mean?!"

"You shouldn't have led him on."

I pull back.

"So it's my fault, right? Don't you think I know that?! Don't you think I feel like shit because of it?!"

"You can't take that out on me, Sky!"

I look down at the ground. He's right. I have been blaming him for everything because at least then I wouldn't have to feel all this guilt alone.

God, I'm terrible.

"I know." I say quietly.

Aron steps closer.

"You can't blame yourself for someone else's decision either. It's not gonna help you or Chase if you do that."

"I can't lie to myself."

"But you are lying to yourself. Every day when you tell yourself everything is your own fault. It's not!" Aron leans against the tree behind me with his hand.

I hear his words  but I don't believe them. I can't stop this terrible feeling inside.

"Yeah, alright." I mutter, still looking at the grass.

He pulls me close and holds me in his arms. I wrap mine around him and I sigh because it feels so good. I missed him. I needed him.

"I missed you." I whisper.

"You should have let me the fuck in, then." He says quietly.

I laugh and so does he.

The bell rings and he pulls away. I don't want to let go but I do anyway.

"You coming to class?" He asks.

I look down. "I don't think so.. I'm not ready yet."

"Okay," He caresses the back of my neck.

"At least let me cook for you tonight, okay? You look like you need it."

I laugh. "Always so charming, Aron."

He smiles and kisses my forehead before heading to the school.

I turn around and make my way to my car and then I spot the guy from the car wash. I don't remember his name. I don't want to.

I try to avoid him.

"Hey, Sky!" He calls.

I pretend not to hear and rush to my car. He runs up to me.

"Hey!" He says again.

I try to hide my irritation. He's the last person I wanna see.

I put my hands in my pockets.

"Hi." I say curtly.

"How's it going?" He asks.

"Great." I lie.

"Did you follow my advice?"

"Are you stalking me?" I demand.

"What? No, I told you, my son goes here!"

"What son? I've never seen him—"

"Hey, dad!"

I frown and turn to Chase. "What..?"

"This is my son, Chase." The guy smiles.

"What? But.. I've met your dad."

"That was our stepdad. This is my real dad, Steven." He smiles.

That explains a lot.

"Huh. Anyway, it was nice meeting you—"

"Chase, can you wait in the car?" Steven asks.

"Okay." He looks at me with googly eyes.

I sigh.

"Bye, Sky."

"Bye." I say curtly.

I just wanna get to my car and go home.

Chase walks away and I'm left alone with his dad.

"What do you want from me?"

"Chase talks about you all the time. He's worried about you. And last time I saw you you seemed to be struggling with some things. I just wanna know if you've solved your problems."

This completely rubs me the wrong way.

"No, I haven't solved my problems. If anything they just got worse! Why don't you just do me a favor and leave me alone!" I snap.

He sighs and gives me a worried look. "Sky.."

God, he even says it in that Chase way. Like a fucking puppy! I can't take this.

"Did you seek help like I suggested?"

"So you're saying I'm a nut job?"

I know I'm not perfect.. at all... but I'm definitely not crazy. I'm just angry.

"I'm not calling you a nut job.. I just.." He struggles on how to phrase it. "I've been where you are. Angry, stressed, sad, alone.. And you can't live with those feelings for very long. No one can handle these problems alone. Therapy really helped me and I think it could help you."

I guess that's why he's obsessive about this. He sees me as this younger version of himself that he needs to save.

I look away.

"Well, I can't afford it so that's not gonna happen."

"I'll pay it for you."

I search his face for some kind of smile of humor. Not a trace.

"You're crazy."

"You're the center of my son's world. Maybe I'm only helping you to keep him happy. It's selfish really."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe not to you."

I look over at the car with Chase in it. He's watching us.

The guilt that's been eating me alive for days now comes back. Maybe if I get therapy I won't hurt people anymore.

Could it really be that easy?

For a moment I'm on the verge of saying yes but then I remember that I'm taking money from some man I barely know. Sure, he's Chase's dad which means there's about a 90% chance he's harmless. But still. I don't wanna owe anyone anything.

"No." I say and I walk past him.

"Sky." He calls.

I sigh and turn to him.

"Think about it." He grabs something from his pocket as he makes his way over to me.

"I'll give you my number. You can call me anytime if you change your mind." He holds out the business card to me.

I stare at the card. I shouldn't take it. There's no way this is gonna help me. If anything it's probably gonna fuck me up more. Like everything always does.

I'm about to refuse when he shoves the card in my pocket.

"Think about it." He says before walking away.

I watch Chase and his dad drive off in their car. Chase waves at me. Another pang of guilt hits me.

I kick against my car.