39. Sex.

The next day is Saturday. I just finished dinner at the Chambers'. Chase and his dad went to get some ice cream. They went to Chase's favorite gelato place and only he knows what the best flavors are so they went together, which leaves me and Loren. We haven't spoken much at all since the hospital, since I came here. Honestly, I feel like she doesn't want me here. Fair enough.

We're in the kitchen, both of us on opposite ends leaning against the counter.

It's really awkward and quiet. Neither of us is saying anything.

I look up at the clock. They left like, five minutes ago. This is going to be long.

"Chase is much happier now that you're here." Loren muses.

I look at her, surprised she's talking to me.

"Good." I say.

"You guys have gotten close lately." She says.

Oh God. Does she know? Did Chase tell her?

She chuckles.

"I kinda think he has a crush on you, actually."

I sigh.

If only she knew.

"Yeah.."

I look at her.

She's not wearing any makeup and she's in gray sweatpants, white socks and a pink top. She looks super casual. Way different.

I smile.

"Never thought I'd see you like this."

"Like what?" She smiles back.

"I've never seen you without makeup."

"Yeah, well, since we're not together anymore there's no need to try, right?"

"You don't have to try." I say honestly.

She laughs.

"Well, you do. You look awful."

I burst out laughing.

"And you need to get some manners." I tease.

"That's rich, coming from you."

Fair enough.

We both laugh. It's nice.

"How are you?" She asks earnestly.

The question kind of catches me off guard.

"Um.. fine." I look down at the floor. "You?" I ask.

"Good." She nods. "I might get into college early."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I worked extra hard this year so I may get to skip senior year." She smiles.

"That's.. great!"

I'm honestly surprised. She always acts like she has two functioning brain cells and now she turns out to be one of the smartest people of our grade.

"Surprises you, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, a little.. You always seemed so..."

"Dumb?"

I shrug.

"I'm a good actor."

"Why would you—"

"Because people like dumb girls." She shrugs.

I chuckle.

Damn. She is smart. She played the part to get through high school easier and now she's off to college with just as much ease.

Her feelings for me must have been good acting too. Which makes a lot more sense than the idea that she'd be into someone as cruel and useless as me.

"It's not like you would've cared anyway, you barely payed attention to me when I talked to you." She says.

"Because you were always talking nonsense."

"Not always." She looks kind of sad.

I look down at the floor. Honestly, I can't remember. How awful.

"How's Aron?" She asks, catching me off guard again.

I sigh just thinking about him.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"But I thought—"

"So did I." I exhale.

"Are you guys still.."

"I mean.. At this point we'd probably be better off broken up. All we do is fight." I run my fingers through my hair.

"He'd be better off without me."

"Why would you say that?" She sounds hurt.

I look up. Pain in her eyes.

"Why do you care?"

She looks away for a second and shakes her head.

"You know, I was really in l— into you." She says.

I can't believe that. How?

"It really hurt me when you broke up with me like that. I know we weren't exactly the perfect couple but.." A tear runs over her cheek.

"Loren.." I walk over to her.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. She grabs onto my shirt and cries into my chest.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly.

I caress her shoulder. I feel her soft hair. I involuntarily smell it. Cherry.

"I thought we were so good together.." She sniffs.

"We were.." I lie to make her feel better.

She keeps on crying and it breaks my heart. I hate seeing people cry. Especially girls. How come it physically hurts when a girl cries? I can't stand it.

"Please don't cry.." I nearly beg.

After a while she pulls away a little and looks up at me.

Her huge blue eyes look even more like the ocean than normal.

I wipe her tears.

She winces a little at the cold feeling of my ring on her cheek.

"Sorry." I chuckle.

She chuckles a little too.

Her eyes stay locked on mine.

"I miss us.." She whispers.

With her cheek in my hand I notice how beautiful she really is. She looks ten times better without all that makeup. More real. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are searching.

She gets on her toes and leans in closer.

Stop, stop, stop. I tell myself.

Don't do this.

But I haven't done this.

For months.

Aron doesn't care about me anyway. I try to convince myself. I fail.

I ignore that.

And she's here and she wants this just as bad as I do. Maybe for different reasons..

I ignore that too.

And I kiss her.

// Sorry to disturb you. This chapter takes place in the future when both characters are adults. \\

I grab her waist and pull her close to me.

And I remember as we make out, how good this used to be.

I'm swallowed by desire as I lift her in the air and put her on the kitchen table.

I crawl right on top of her and kiss her as I feel around her body.

We're instantly in sync. Our bodies speak the same language.

Her hands caress my back, my ass, my zipper..

Our breathing picks up as I rip off her clothes and she sheds mine.

Her body's so fucking perfect.

She's wearing a light pink lacy bra with matching underwear. It suits her perfectly.

I kiss her neck as I feel around her chest all the way down.

She moans in my ear. And I like it. I'm in control.

All I think about is sex. And nothing else. It's so simple. Nothing else comes to mind.

So after I've put the condom on I go inside quickly.

She pants as I move inside her.

Her long nails are scratching at my back and it's turning me on more.

I continue kissing her neck and my hair falls over her face.

I moan in her ear as I come inside her and so does she.

It's a release. Of tension, of built up frustration.

And then it's over. I pull out and hear a car pull up on the pavement.

"Shit," I say as I toss Loren her clothes and get dressed as quickly as I can.

When they come in, we're both fully clothed.

"Here we are!" Chase exclaims. He looks so excited. Steven follows quickly.

All I feel is shame.

What did I just do?

Chase would break if he knew. I hadn't even thought about that.

And Aron. Oh my God, Aron.

Chase walks into the kitchen and places the plastic bag with ice cream on the table.

The table where I just had sex with his sister.

I look at Loren. She looks so together. Completely calm. She even looks kind of happy.

How can she be this way?

"I really don't feel so good. I gotta go." I say and I make my way out of the room.

"Oh— Do you need me to drive you?" Steven asks.

"No, I'm fine." I almost run out of the house.

I close the door behind me and lean against it.

What have I done?

***

I turn the key of the front door and walk into my house feeling defeated and horrible.

I just betrayed the person I love the most.

I thought I couldn't get worse but here I am.

"Hey."

I look up. Aron's standing next to the door, fumbling with his ring nervously.

"Hi." I mumble as I make my way to the opposite end of the room near the window.

I make an effort not to look at him. I can't look at him. I'd probably burst into tears.

"I have some good news." He says.

I don't turn around. I keep looking out the window and nod.

"Oh?"

"I left the gang."

I suck the air in through my teeth. I turn around and look him in the eye.

"Really?"

"Yeah." He smiles. Tears in his eyes.

I feel a stone in my stomach. It's heavy with all the lies and the ways I hurt him.

"The guys said they understood. It took some time but they.. let me go."

I'm so proud of him, I could cry.

He's too good for me.

"Hey, are you okay?" He walks over to me.

"Yeah, fine." I try to sound stable.

I swallow.

He eyes me for a second. I make an effort to keep it together.

Then he pulls me into his chest and holds me.

"I'm so happy. You don't have to worry anymore now."

I nod. And I try to ignore the pain in my chest of the tears that I swallow.

And I promise in this moment that I won't hurt him anymore. I tell myself that if I try real hard everything will be okay from now on.

And then everything erupts.