Welcome to the Dark Side: Chapter 7

2013-2014 Zeus is 33. Louise is 14.

Z, Okay, so can I ask you something kind of weird? I would ask someone else only I don’t really have anyone else… Dad wouldn’t know what to say, Mum is never around, you know they got rid of Nanny last year and Bea is too young to get it. The angels don’t know anything so I can’t go there. Which leaves you.

Okay, I’m just going to go for it here.

Over the summer, I, well, I “became a woman” or whatever. Late bloomer and all that. So now my body has erm, changed, and all the boys at school are suddenly talking to me! It’s super weird and I don’t know what to say to them. They tease me and tug on my hair or call me fat and stuff like that. It’s mean but I can see the way they stare at my, like, private areas so I know they like me, I mean I think they do. I don’t like any of them, though. They’re all stupid little boys and I just want them to leave me alone. What do you think I should do?

Loulou Lou, Jesus Christ, Lou, there has to be someone fuckin’ better than me to ask about this shit. I’m a man. You obviously don’t get this yet but men talk about three things: booze, sex and sports. For me, that would be whiskey, sex and bikes. Each man’s got different preferences but we all stick mostly to that strict rule. Remember that, Lou, booze, sex and sports.

That said, I get that you got no one else to go to, which sucks. So, kid, I’ll talk to you about this but only this once so relish it and NEVER ask me again.

Listen, it’s simple because men are simple. A guy likes a chick, he needs to get her attention. There are a coupla ways to do this. The dicks, they do it by bein’ a dick to the girl, insultin’ her hair or her makeup or somethin’ totally made up just to start a conversation. Best thing to do is ignore ’em. The better ones, they’ll try an’ be your pal, buddy up to you about somethin’ they think you might like even though they definitely fuckin’ don’t. These guys are harmless, Lou, just friend zone ’em for long enough and they’ll give up.

Then there are the best kinda men, yeah? The ones that man up and claim a woman the way a woman wants and needs to be claimed. He sees somethin’ he likes, he goes up, lays it out and asks her out. He does what he needs to do to get to know her, listenin’, spendin’ the money and, better, the time to know her mind so he can rock her world. Somethin’ fucks with her, that man is gonna throw down to make it right again. She wants somethin’ he can’t immediately get her? That guy’s gonna work his fuckin’ ass off to get it for her just for a chance to get some more of her sweetness. That’s the kinda man you’re gonna get yourself one day, Lou. Not now, you’re just a kid, so be patient. Ignore the dicks that will be ignored and throat punch the idiots that won’t. Make friends with the pussies who let you do that to them. And wait.

Z.

Zeus, I think I know what kinda guy you’re talking about…

Also, I wanted to throat punch one of the dicks that wouldn’t take no for an answer but good girl Louise Lafayette wouldn’t do that, so I spit in his Coke when he wasn’t looking at lunch and watched him drink it after. It was nearly as satisfying.

xoxo, Loulou