55: The Weight of Words

Quincy St. Martin

I want to stop thinking and talking about it now, because if I don’t, I might do or say something I might regret later.

I know I’m being irrational and stupid, but right now I can’t help how I feel.

To know that he slept around previously didn’t bother me before, but to see the woman he had actually been intimate with is something else.

Now I can’t stop picturing them together. I suddenly feel like a trapped beast, wanting to hurt something or somebody.

I hate that I’m feeling this pissed and irrational and out of control.

“What I want to talk about with Jorden is really none of your business,” I snap at him suddenly.

“Of course it’s my business. You’re mine! Everything you do is my business.”

“Stop saying that I’m yours. I’m not! I don’t belong to you. I’m my own person!” I’m yelling at him now.

He only stares at me, the glint in his eyes defying what I just said. Ughhh!

“I’m tired of this...this bond thing. It’s too... It’s suffocating! I need to get out of here...away from you!”

He freezes at my words. A look of hurt flashes in his features. I didn’t mean it. I really don’t. I want to tell him that I don’t mean it. But then the wounded look is gone. His eyes glitter underneath his golden eyelashes. He looks cold and distant. The words die on my tongue.

See? This is why I have to get away from here right now. I might not be able to hurt him physically, but words hurt just as badly.

When I pull the door open this time, he doesn’t stop me.

Why do I feel so bad walking down the hallway toward the emergency exit stairway, away from him? I take the stairs to the roof, which is just a couple of levels up. There’s an unspoiled tangle of pine trees on one side of the hotel. I stand on the ledge.

For a second or two, I contemplate running off into the woods. I imagine surviving on wild berries and hunting rabbits for dinner. That’s just a fanciful thinking, though. Running off is not what I want. The cold wind blows my hair across my face, and I shiver.

It is freezing up here, but the fresh air does make me feel a bit better. I take a long deep breath before I walk back inside to find the elevator.

I need to see Jorden.

Jorden has decided that he wants to join Jonah in California. I think he’s sad to be leaving his mom and Joelle, but he’s also excited to be seeing new places. I’m glad that he’s decided to get out of the Loup Noir Pack.

If I have anything to do with it, my cousins will be seeing a lot of me whether they want to or not. I’ll be annoying the hell out of them both. I ride the elevator down to the second floor and knock on several doors to figure out which one is Jorden’s. He opens at door number five.

Jorden looks surprised to see me. “Hey, Q, are you ready to go?”

“No, not yet,” I tell him.

“Are you okay?” He opens the door wider, looking at me closely now.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I fight the urge to scratch my suddenly itchy head. Darn stupid unable-to-lie scalp.

“Hey, J, do you remember that old bag I used to carry around with me? I brought it back with me to the pack house. You don’t happen to know where it is now, do you?”

Jorden grins at me. “Are you seriously still attached to that old thing?”

“Shut up! I just want Oliver back.” I stuffed Oliver into the bag before the men from the Loup Noir Pack took me.

Jorden just rolls his eyes. “Don’t you think it’s time for you to give him up?”

I look at Jorden in horror. Give up my teddy bear? How could he even suggest that? I know I’m too old to be attached to a teddy bear, but I’ve had him for as long as I can remember.

Oliver is old and ratty, but he’s the only friend I had when I was being bullied every day at the pack house.

He’s a good listener and a phenomenal keeper of secrets. He’s the one constant thing in my life when everything else is changing. Most of all, he represents my life with Nana, the simple innocent times I’ll never get back.

“Never! I can’t imagine my life without him,” I tell him.

I should’ve left him in California. Layla would have made sure he stayed safe.

“Okay, okay, I was just kidding. Well, only partly kidding,” says Jorden.

“Cousin, you’re gonna love me for this. I have your stinky bag and all its contents with me right now. I saw it in old Maddox’s room, and I figured you would like it back.”

“Seriously? Oh my God, J! I love you!” I fling my arms around him and hug him tight.

I might have family members who hate me to the point of wanting to kill me, but the ones who don’t are awesome!

“You’re welcome, Q. I’ll go get it for you now.”

“No, you keep it for me.” I’d rather nobody else see Oliver.

So far, only Jorden, Jonah, and Layla know about my ratty teddy bear. It would be embarrassing if anybody else knew about it.

“Tell Oliver I miss him. I have to go now, but please kiss him and hug him for me, will you?”

“Ewww, not gonna happen, Q,” says Jorden, shaking his head in disgust.

Okay, so nobody else really wants to willingly hold that scruffy, mangy, and just slightly stinky old thing. Maybe I should wash him sometime. When I get back to our room, Caspian is no longer there. Everything is gone from the room, my things and his things.

The only thing left is a dark gray coat lying on the bed. It’s thicker than the one I had on this morning.

The short breather on top of the building helped me feel calmer, and now I’m feeling really bad about the way I reacted before I left our room.

So yeah, I was jealous. Nobody ever made me feel that way before. Jealousy hurts. It burns me inside. It makes me feel violent and out of control. I grab the coat, walk back out, and take the elevator down by myself. The elevator stops on the fourth floor, and Gideon Archer gets in.

He’s all alone, and his strange eyes light up when he sees me. “Hello again, Your Highness.” He gives me a little bow.

He’s dressed casually in a white Henley that clings to his muscular body, blue wash jeans, a black leather belt with a bronze buckle, a black leather jacket, and black leather boots. A pocket watch peeks out from the front pocket of his jeans. It’s bronze this time, clipped to his belt loop with a thick bronze chain.

How does he manage to make a pocket watch look badass?

“Quincy,” I tell him. “Call me Quincy.”

His lips quirk up into a smile. “Quincy.” He pronounces it slowly as if he’s savoring it on his tongue.

These lycan men. If I weren’t so obsessed with a certain obnoxious, infuriating, cocky, gorgeous prince, I’d certainly be drooling over this man. We ride all the way down to the main floor in silence. The hotel lobby is completely deserted when we get there, so I walk to the sofa where we were sitting earlier.

Gideon follows me there and sits on a sofa next to the one I chose to sit on.

He crosses his legs at the ankles, steeples his fingers together on his knee, and quietly studies me. I sit back and return his gaze unflinchingly, without saying a word. Suddenly he chuckles and shakes his head. “I can see why you’re destined to be our queen.”

I tilt my head to the side, trying to think. I totally don’t see why.

“You didn’t even blink when I tried to exert my dominance over you.”

He’s right, I didn’t feel a thing, just like when Alpha Maddox or Beta St. Martin tried to get me to submit.

“Most other fully-fledged lycans would have cowered. You’re very powerful, Quincy St. Martin. Your lycan hasn’t fully emerged yet, but I can already feel the strength of your power. I can only imagine how powerful you’ll be when you become a full lycan.”

I still don’t quite get it. I don’t feel all that powerful right now. If anything, I feel like I’m way over my head. I’m still dealing with my feelings for Caspian.

The jealousy makes me feel out of control, and I don’t know how to deal with it. “He thinks that you’re interested in me,” I tell him instead.

Gideon doesn’t look surprised. “Well, the prince is a very intelligent man. I never imagined something like that would go unnoticed,” he says. “I am attracted to you.”