CH 1

Chapter 1 – He claims to be the gays’ heavenly dish

Translator: Xena

Editor: meowmiao

Halooo, it’s Xena bringing you a 4 chapter teaser, feel free to pick it up! Just don’t take things toooo seriously here, one of its major themes is comedy. That’s all, enjoy~

Fang Mo frowned. He was gradually becoming impatient while listening to the sounds of crackling keyboard brought by typing on the other side of the phone.

“Stop arguing,” he complained, “Who goes to the internet everyday and doesn’t encounter at least 17, 18 retards? Would you seriously busy yourself with each one?”

“Wait a minute,” The clacking of a keyboard on the other side still sounded, “I’ll be done scolding after these two sentences!”

Fang Mo was speechless.

A few hours ago, Zou Shun had shyly told him that he had some emotional troubles to discuss with him, with a bashful expression that made him very uncomfortable.

Out of love for gossip, Fang Mo readily agreed.

However, when the scheduled time for their call came, Zou Shun was so busy fighting online that he couldn’t spare time to talk to him.

“WTF, so disgusting! Makes me want to vomit!” Zou Shun shouted as he typed, “When will these stupid x narcissistic straight men become a little bit self-aware?!”

Fang Mo, who was at a loss, became inevitably curious. “What’s the matter?”

“I’ll give you the link, read it yourself and you’ll understand!” Zou Shun said.

Fang Mo hung up the phone and opened the web link Zou Shun sent.

His eyebrows instantly rose when he saw the title clearly.

【What kind of experience is it to be too handsome and too popular? 】

There were countless replies to the question. A large number of males enthusiastically commented one after another, actively posting a photo of themselves with different filters and varying expressions and postures. What Zou Shun showed him was one of the responses. It had few likes, but a lot of posts below it.

The responder described himself as not very handsome, roughly around middle-upper level, but didn’t know why the same sex was particularly attracted to him. Too many pursuits and harassment from men made him miserable, so much so that he couldn’t help but get goose bumps whenever he heard the word “gay”. He really wanted to know what aspect of him attracted these people, and if he could, he would like to change it right away. Popularity sounded like a good thing, but being welcomed by someone he didn’t welcome was simply tragic, and he politely declines.

These words were naturally unpleasant in the eyes of a person oriented towards the same sex.

What was more speechless-inducing was that this person didn’t post a photo of himself, giving another reason for an uncontrollable eye roll.

“It’s not that I’m being shameless, the sentence above is true. I dare not post photos because I’m afraid that male compatriots who are oriented toward men will have unnecessary thoughts about me after seeing it. For safety reasons, forget it.”

One big word popped out in Fang Mo’s mind: SHAMELESS.

Among the hundreds of replies to the question, there were too many negative demonstrations. All sorts of men with fantastic oddities of every description1 posted ugly photos that people couldn’t look straight at for more than three seconds, with corresponding narration of how a large number of the opposite sex were head over heels for them. Looking closely at the case, it was nothing more than “the ticket seller Miss smiled at me, does she want to marry me” or “my female colleague who took the initiative to say three sentences to me today must have deep feelings for me.”

This person without a doubt also misunderstood his appearance and attractiveness. With him replacing and imagining the target party as the same sex, it was estimated that he was either deep in the closet or a pathological homophobe.

Most of these embarrassing narcissistic men were disregarded, even if someone secretly made fun of them, no one would go over and quarrel directly. But the crowd who was disgusted with this person was comparatively more extreme. When clicking open the comment section, it was full of all kinds of frigid irony and scorching satire. In addition to the angry gays, there were also a certain number of spectators who wished for the world to be in chaos, demanding loudly that he should hurry up and post photos to open everyone’s eyes.

Fang Mo soon found Zou Shun’s username. He had scolded vigorously and said, an ugly straight man who doesn’t have a spring and autumn dream2. When seeing a man, he thinks the other is interested in him. I’m afraid his chrysanthemum is itching and empty. It’s better to poke durians in instead of going into heat here in public. He also said that if the other posted a photo and it made a wave of fluctuations in his junior, then he would immediately kneel down in apology and call him Daddy.

This comment was actually replied to by that person.

“Stop stop stop, just forget it if you don’t believe it. Just treat it like I’m talking nonsense, it’s fine.”

He sent similar responses to many people. It seemed gentle and easy-going, but that was what made it even more irritating. It was no wonder Zou Shun was fuming with rage and insisted on fighting to death with him.

Zou Shun sent him a voice message: [“Don’t you think this person is asking for a beating?!”]

Fang Mo answered in seconds, [“Yes.”]

In fact, Fang Mo was also a person who felt very good about himself. Of course, in his point of view, that was an adequate and objective evaluation of his own charm.

Since he was sensible, he had taken advantage of having a likable face. In his 20 years of existence, he’d heard countless compliments and had been a popular candidate for campus idol since middle school.

But even so, the number of the same-sex or the opposite-sex chasing after him were not enough to make him distressed. As a young man who has long realized that he was oriented towards the same sex, he knew that many of his peers were indeed casual, but it was also unlikely that when seeing a handsome man, they would shamelessly post about it online. Especially in such a close circle of a hundred flowers blooming3 in aesthetics, many gays have very heavy tastes, and they could even go into estrus towards the same person.

Fang Mo also wanted to mock this unpleasant narcissistic straight man. But as it had progressed so far, no matter how fierce or excessive the scolding was, this guy would not obediently post photos.

After pondering for half a minute, Fang Mo cooked up a plan.

He turned the computer on, logged in to his account, came to the post, and began to construct a reply.

“My brother, I understand your pain, I also have the same troubles as you. I don’t know why there are always men who cast flirtatious glances at me and throw themselves at me. If I speak about it, other people also won’t believe me, and they say that it’s just my fantasy and ego talking. Ai, it’s worrying!”

Soon, he received several replies, among these were surprisingly Zou Shun’s as well.

“Yo, Mister, it won’t be inconvenient for you to upload photos, right?”

Fang Mo held back a smile, and replied in the tone of that person.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I’m afraid that you will fall in love with me.”

Assuming that Zou Shun would inevitably explode because of this, Fang Mo quickly took a screenshot and sent it to the other person.

[“This is me, don’t accidentally hurt your ally!”]

Zou Shun immediately returned a gif of a blackman with question marks.4

[“Fishing,”] Fang Mo replied.

Upon refreshing again, the person replied.

“There are still people who suffer and empathize with me, brother, you have also gone through hardship.”

Fang Mo responded immediately.

“Yes ah. In all honesty, I like soft and cute girls!”

“Hahaha who doesn’t.”

After going back and forth, the two of them just chatted as if there were nobody else in the bulletin comment area. Seeing that the time was ripe, Fang Mo poked the other party’s personal profile and clicked to send a private message.

[“My friend, I have an idea, hear it and see if it makes sense.”]

After sending the message, he soon received a reply.

[“Say it?”]

[“Maybe there’s something common between us that easily stimulates those people. If we know where the problem lies, we can reasonably avoid it in the future.”]

[“What you said makes sense. But we’re not gay, how can we know where the gay points are?”]

Fang Mo clicked on his own photo album and selected a carefully edited five-star handsome photo of a self-acknowledged charismatic knockoff which was actually his real selfie with three layers of filters that still seemed natural. He clicked send with confidence.

[“Here’s my picture, maybe we look similar somewhere!”]

After half a minute, the other side replied.

[“Damn! Brother, you are so handsome!”]

Fang Mo smiled slightly, very satisfied with the answer.

It was merely fishing so there was actually no need to post real photos of himself. But he wanted to let the straight man on the other side, who didn’t know good from bad, to know what real handsomeness looked like.

[“It’s okay, just above average,”] He replied hypocritically.

[“If this is above average, then I’m lower than below average. Honestly, I don’t think our appearance has anything in common. It seems that homosexual aesthetics are quite diverse.”]

The narcissistic straight man unexpectedly made humble remarks.

[“Really, can I take a look?”] Fang Mo hurriedly asked.

[“I’m a passer-by compared to you, don’t laugh,”] The other party replied.

Then, before Fang Mo could urge him again, a picture appeared in a dialog box. After clicking it open, the loading circle revolved twice and a young man in a white t-shirt smiling a little awkwardly at the camera appeared on Fang Mo’s computer screen.

This was obviously a photo taken by him. The lighting was ordinary and the background messy; there was no pre- or post-editing of any sort.

There was another new message in the private message dialog box, but Fang Mo didn’t look at it immediately. He stared at the photo and stood up slowly, swallowed silently, and licked his lips as his heart beat wildly.

At that moment, the phone at the side vibrated. Zou Shun was calling him.

“How was it, have you swindled a photo? What’s the level?”

Fang Mo didn’t reply, his heart inexplicably flustered.

What’s the level? It was at the level where he and his little brother could promptly stand up to express the highest level of respect.

How could someone’s looks hit his lethal spots like this? Every strand of hair pierced his heart’s key point, and his awkward smile looked so sexy and sultry, like a hormone transmitter.

“Hello, can you hear me? Send me the photos so I can take a look?” Zou Shun urged.

No, that won’t do. Fang Mo lowered his head and coughed. “It failed, he ignored me.”

This was not being stingy and unwilling to share.

He valued affection and justice, how could he let his friend just kneel down like this and call someone daddy so easily?

While Fang Mo was thinking so, he right-clicked on the photo and selected save.

weird appearances and strange temperaments

sex life

The complete idiom is, “A hundred flowers bloom, a hundred schools of thought contend”.