16 | in which he gets her to sing along

'To be loved or appreciated, which is more important?'

'To be understood is what matters.'

.\.|./.

Ryan Falls

|in which he gets her to sing along|

"Can I hold your hand? I'm afraid of needles."

Am I lying? Yes. Does Crystal buy it? Hell yes!

My question causes her eyes to go so wide I'm afraid they'll fall out and roll across the hospital floor. The sight is kind of funny, but I keep a straight face, giving Crystal the most adorable puppy-dog eyes I can manage. Pretty sure I don't look half as cute as a pup, but she pities my lame attempt and reaches out.

In my mind, I'm doing somersaults. In real life, I'm limping -- with her hand in mine -- towards the chair the doctor points me to.

"Have you taken your medicines?" the man asks me, looking half-asleep already.

I nod. Lying is easier when you don't actually voice the lie.

The man picks up a pair of really thin scissors and reaches out towards me.

"Don't move, all right?" he asks.

I swallow, trying not to think of another man who said this to me. Instead of letting the past control me, I close my eyes and root myself in the present. My therapist taught me how.

Focus on my breathing.

Going in and out.

Feel each breath in my abdomen.

My entire body is breathing.

Living.

Here.

With this breath.

Listen to my body.

Listen to what it says, where it hurts, where it doesn't.

Listen to all the places that want to talk to me.

So, I listen. I listen to my aching leg and the skin tingling under the cast enveloping my arm. I listen to my heart beating wildly in my chest, telling me it's scared. I listen to my brain whirring in the silence, reminding me not to move. I listen to my muscles, tightening when the doctor's gloved hands touch my face as he cuts the stitches.

I listen to the warmth of Crystal's small hand in mine.

"You're good to go," the doctor finally says.

I'm not ready to come back to the world yet, enjoying my moment of being with myself. I can't stick to my plan, though, so force my eyes open. Straightening up, I extend my right arm towards the doctor so he can remove my cast. I'm aware of Crystal's hand in my clammy left one, but she makes no attempt to let it go.

According to the doctor, my arm is good now, which means I no longer have to wear the cast. He instructs me not to lift heavy weights or over-do it. My leg, though, isn't fully healed, which means I need to wear the cast for another two weeks.

Crystal helps me out of the hospital and back towards her car, finally turning to look at me when we're seated.

"You lied to him," she points out, her face stern.

"What?" I pretend not to know what she's saying.

"Ryan, you lied about taking your meds," she explains. "You can't tell people you're on painkillers when you're not. Especially your doctor when --"

"You never did tell me how you got to know my name," I remind her, smiling a little and hoping she'll fall for my topic-changing tactics.

Crystal narrows her eyes at me.

I smile politely back, knowing fully well that she heard Olivia mention it back at the hospital. She remembered, though, which makes me feel pretty amazing.

Huffing, she turns away so fast I barely get a chance to speak before the car's on the road. I continue to glance at her from the corners of my eyes, wanting to see her show some reaction to my presence. There is none, and I end up sighing and reaching my now-free hand towards the stereo.

"Do you mind if I play something?" I ask.

She doesn't answer, so I reach for the stereo.

The music that plays makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

"Justin Bieber? Seriously?" I can't help but laugh.

Crystal looks kind of embarrassed. "Jeremy likes it," she mumbles, reaching out to turn the volume to zero.

I struggle not to laugh. "What about you?"

She merely shrugs, apparently uncomfortable by my inquiry.

"Can I play something of my own then?"

She shrugs again, and I roll my eyes before pulling out my phone from my pocket and plugging it into her stereo.

"I'm a ninety's music guy, so I'm sorry if this is too much for you," I warn her once, before turning up the volume and playing my Skillet playlist.

Her gaze snaps towards me as the first song begins to ring out in the car.

"You're a Skillet fan?" she asks, clearly surprised.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd know them," I admit. "I mean, not many JB fans would --"

"I loved Skillet," she says, as if justifying herself. "Jem didn't like them, but ..." Her voice trails off and she turns her gaze back to the road.

I can feel the strain in her tone when she mentions her boyfriend, a change in her posture and muscle-rigidity telling me this is no ordinary relationship. I remember the first time I saw him, the rude dude who shattered a cup and walked out of Kobuk, leaving her behind. I try not to judge, though. Maybe the guy isn't as bad as I think he is.

Or maybe he's an abusive asshole like I think he is.

"What's your favorite song by Skillet?" I ask, scrolling through the album.

"I liked Comatose."

"Oh, damn, I love that song." I click on the song and it echoes in the car.

Without really stopping to think about the inappropriateness of my actions, I begin to sing along to the metallic hard-rock song. Crystal widens her eyes at me, and I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

"Are you crazy? We're going to get pulled over," she says, half-freaking-out.

"Good; then we can both cut off 'going to jail for disturbing the peace of the community' off our lists of 'things-to-do-before-death'." I shrug.

Crystal stares at me like I have lost my mind, shaking her head a little when I smile wider.

"Come on, Crystal," I say. "When was the last time you sang?"

She scoffs, looking like she's trying to find something to say but can find nothing.

"You said this is your favorite song," I point out, reducing the volume a bit. "How can you not sing along to it? Oh, I know ..."

I play another song, called 'better than drugs'. Crystal lets out a disapproving sound, staring straight at the road.

"Prove you're a fan, Crystal," I say over the loud music.

"I don't have to prove anything to you."

I laugh, beginning to sing. At first, Crystal ignores me, looking like she wants to throw me out of her car and drive away. Halfway through the song, though, she's beginning to chuckle, probably amused by my semi-psychotic behavior. As the song drives to a close and the next one begins, Crystal looks so much different.

It thus comes as no surprise when the next song 'whispers in the dark' plays, and Crystal is tapping her fingers along to the metallic beat.

"There she is. There's Crystal!" I say, turning the volume up.

She rolls her eyes, smiling. As we near the chorus, though, I see her lips moving. I don't point that out, and before we know it, we're both singing along to one of my favorite songs. The volume of my own singing goes down considerably, effected by my desire to hear her sing. She doesn't notice, growing slowly at ease.

I smile, watching her become one with the music, as her speed on the road increases in proportion to the volume of her voice. Songs play, one after the other, and Crystal continues to sing along to the kind of music I love. I smile, laugh, sing in broken pieces, but mostly watch her come out of her shell.

There is nothing more beautiful than a cocoon's transformation into a butterfly.

The music finally stops when she parks the car outside my house, and I unplug my phone. She turns to look at me, slightly out of breath. Her eyes, though, shine brightly, the blue more alive than it was when we got on the road.

"You're not that bad a singer, you know that?" I ask.

Crystal scoffs. "Well, you suck."

I'm shocked at her playful tone, but she's already getting out of the car. I laugh to myself as she walks to my side of the car and helps me out.

"You can be quite savage when you want to be, huh?" I tease, draping my arm over her shoulders and leaning my weight on her just to annoy her.

She huffs, shoving me. "Don't make me leave you out here," she threatens.

"Yes, ma'am."

She's the one to unlock my door and lead me in, helping me back to bed.

"Do you want water or something?" she asks me.

I settle back into my usual spot. "Yeah, and more of that delicious pasta too, if I may?" I give her a guilty look.

Crystal turns away, heading leisurely towards my kitchen. It's only when she hands me a glass of water and a bowl of pasta that I finally ask something that's been on my mind for a while now.

"Do you help out everyone around here?"

She looks at me with a bit of annoyance. "No. Just you."

So, the girl is honest when she wants to be.

"Why's that?" I ask, downing the water in one go.

"You want to know the truth? I feel responsible for the state you're in."

And I feel guilty again. "Crystal --"

"I know it was an accident," she intercepts my excuse. "But I could have avoided it. I wasn't paying attention to the road. If I'd been careful ... you might not even need my help right now."

There's that self-loathing in her that I see written all across her face. For the first time I notice -- it's not that she doesn't want to be here, it's that she doesn't want to be herself. Why? I'll have to wait and find out, because to me, the girl seems perfect -- beautiful, smart, kind. What more could anyone want?

I sigh, placing the bowl next to me and straightening up. I pat the mattress close to my legs. I'm almost afraid Crystal might refuse, but she doesn't, understanding my indication for her to have a seat. She sits down and waits for me to speak.

"How about we play a game?" I ask with a smile. "Truth or dare."

Crystal lets out an exasperated sound. "What are we, Ryan? Twelve?"

I chuckle. "I had this friend," I tell her. "He had this little game he liked to play, whenever he wanted to tell us something. His logic was simple: secrets tip the balance of relationships. When one knows something about the other, they have the upper hand. To avoid this power dynamic and keep things even, he said 'a secret for a secret'."

Crystal is staring at me like she barely understands what I'm saying.

"So ... you want to play?" I smile wide.

Her mouth works thoughtfully, brow furrowing in hesitance. She finally shrugs half-heartedly and I lean towards her.

"Truth or dare?"

She shrugs again. "Truth?"

"When was the last time you saw your boyfriend?" I ask.

She doesn't react for a moment, clearly not having expected this question. The truth, however, is that the secret I have to tell her needs something heavy to equate the weight.

I notice her face pale a little, her shoulders stiffening and lips pursing.

"Last week," she says.

I can't help but smile and nod, knowing she's lying. Or maybe she isn't lying and saw a picture of his last week or something? It's my fault, I should have been more specific with my question. I should have asked her when she last was with her boyfriend.

"Your turn," she says, straightening up. "What is it that you want to tell me?"

I let out a laugh. "A lot."

Two can play at this game.

"Ryan, what --"

"Cheating will get you nowhere," I say.

Crystal looks half-helpless, half-frustrated.

"Fine. It's been a while since I last saw him, okay?" she snaps. "Now tell me."

She's a curious one, this girl.

I smile, leaning towards her and staring her straight into her bright blue eyes. Maybe it's the desperation in her eyes that pushes me to make a confession, or the guilt clawing at my insides and eating me from within like termites. The truth is, I don't want her to feel guilty for something that wasn't her fault. It was mine.

"Remember that accident that put me in this state?" I ask, lowering my voice a little. "Well ..."

I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't. I barely know her.

"... you're right; it wasn't an accident --"

Why am I doing this?

"-- it wasn't an accident because ..."

Maybe because I simply want to?

"... I wanted it to happen."

She's frozen, unmoving, unspeaking, unblinking, and I tell her something I never thought I'd tell someone. Something I never told anyone.

"I jumped on the road because I wanted to die."

.\.|./.

A/N: Views about whatever is going on? Why do you think Ryan is telling Crystal?

What are your views about his version of Truth and Dare? It'll be coming up a lot, and trust me, you'll like it ;)