Twenty - Seven

What should Elijah do when he loses something precious to him? When he loses the person he loves?

He remembered when he was younger and his mother bought him a dog for his tenth birthday. He loved the little dog so much that a day wouldn't go by and he didn't play with him. He would always be in his backyard playing catch with Lev-- he named him so after much thinking.

His mother thought the name was different she wanted him to go with something more simpler and common like Rex or Beethoven even Cujo but they both knew how that went. Elijah pouted on that sunny day when his mother sat him down during breakfast after he had called Lev by his name the first time that morning. With his childish self he crossed his arms after fluffing Lev's fur and sneaking him a strip of bacon.

His mother wondered why he got so upset over his name. She was only suggesting it, to let Elijah know that there were more options he could choose from. Elijah just sat there afterwards in silence, poking his scrambled eggs with his fork.

"What's wrong?" His mother had asked, pushing her hair behind her ears.

"I don't want to change his name" young Elijah said, glancing up at his mother who smiled warmly. Warmer than the morning sun. Telling him that it was okay to say what he wanted to.

"Why?" She pressed when Elijah said nothing more. "Why don't you want to change his name?"

Elijah placed the fork on his plate, sipping some of his orange juice then said, "because his name contains the love I have for him"

"Oh" was the only thing his mother could reply with. Surprised by her son answer, "Then you should love him forever. Isn't that right Lev" she smiled at the young Elijah then looked at Lev who was wagging his tail.

"I will" Elijah beamed, running off with Lev into the backyard for another fun filled day under the sun.

Elijah was happy. He was happy with his little friend for the longest while. His smile faded in his twelfth year when Lev passed away. The sun didn't seem to shine again and his backyard seemed so void. He shut himself out for a few days. He had friends his age that could never understand why he was so upset about his dog.

They would only tell him a 'sorry to hear about your dog' but doesn't everyone say that after hearing that you lost something-- someone. It was simply, Elijah had lost his best friend. He previously thought that it was funny how people said that a dog is a man best friend until he experienced it for himself. Lev was everything to him, so why wouldn't he cry?

He loved Lev. Even when he ripped up Elijah's history essay. Turns out he did him a favour. Forgetting what he previously wrote he had to start from scratch and that earned him an A. His very first A amongst B and C in his history class. Through all the walks and his barks. The nights they watched movies even though Lev would fall asleep beside him or just be there to eat all the food. He kept his company either way. Elijah thought if his love wasn't enough that Lev was taken away from him. He promised to love him forever but forever was cut short.

It took him along while to forget the burning ache in his heart. He never got another dog after. Elijah didn't want to go through all of that again. Even though he's lost so many things after throughout his teenage life. He was hit with a slight worst pain than when Lev had died.

Again his love was never enough. Though he blamed himself for the pain he felt. His cowardice younger self could never approach him and confess his feelings. Elijah was stuck with that painful feeling in his chest, loving from afar. Love was something painfully beautiful he had come to realize that. His love was lost like a needle in a haystack. But it was never forgotten. Elijah thought he'd lost him after all this time. The feeling in his chest kept reminding him that there was hope. Throughout those years he thought his love was never enough to bring him back to him.

How could it be when he never allowed that love to be set free to reach the distance that separated them and touch their hearts. How could it be enough when he never approached but wished to be approached. How could it have been enough when he was already miles away and the words were never said.

But it was enough to bring him. His bottled up love that he didn't get to set sail bought him back to Elijah giving him a second chance. The years that passed made him think a lot. To love secretly and forget or to love and share it with the fear of rejection. His courage was far greater than his fears and he was happy because it made him the luckiest and happiest man alive.

If he was so happy then why was he in his apartment searching for something he lost? Turning the place upside down in search of something. Elijah was crying as he threw item from item in random direction. His limbs weak but he had to find what he was looking for. Elijah thought it was happening again. Thinking that his love was never enough for anything or anyone to keep them close.

Despite his aching heart and tears. Elijah still picked up the phone and called. When he found the will to go out he would drive to his house but he could only go so far. Despite Scott's word Elijah still loved him. The love they had for such a short time was real. Nothing about it was fake in his eyes. When Scott said the three words it was real. Buy why, why would he say all those cruel things to hurt Elijah.

Ripping him away piece by piece that night with every word he said. The cruelest part was how Elijah wasn't going to give up on him. He loves Scott too much to do that. He wanted Scott to tell him why he wanted for Elijah to stay away. Why he would tell such a lie. But Scott wasn't giving him the time of day as he was doing before the heartbreaking parting.

Elijah was feeling helpless just like when his father used to raise his hand against his mother. He hasn't felt that way for a long time. The guilt still haunted him. Elijah was happy for his mother afterwards when she had enough and left. Taking the opportunity to better herself and travel the world. Elijah left too. The house he grew up in was now grim. From happy and homely. When did it become so toxic?

Here he was feeling helpless again. Watching as Scott slip through his fingers not once but twice. Elijah couldn't let that happen. Then why was he in his apartment crying on the floor as he cradle his knees and not out there fighting for the person he loves? Elijah was searching for the thing he lost. It wasn't in his apartment. He's come to that conclusion. If he knew that after losing Lev he would be faced with much harder losses he would try to face things differently.

No amount of medication could take away the pain he was feeling. This as the painful part of love. The thing he hated about love.

He lost himself, his heart and Scott.

As he made way to bathroom. Filling the bath with water, Elijah submerged himself under the cold liquid. Just for a moment he wanted to forget what lies about the surface.

**

There was a knock on Elijah's door later that afternoon. He wasn't expecting any visitors. Sluggishly getting up off his bed and opening the door. Elijah didn't want any company, he wanted to be alone but the person on the other end of his door was persistent.

"Hey" Molly greeted, her smile fading as she looked at Elijah up and down. His hair was a mess, his T-shirt on wrong and his sweats had one foot rolled up and the other down.

Elijah didn't respond just made way to his couch leaving molly to enter on her own, "Someone's been lazy" Milly said, closing the door behind her and looking at the mess in Elijah's apartment.

"Did you need something" Elijah spoke, rubbing his already puffy eyes.

"Well you know...." Molly trailed, hopping over items then taking her seat beside Elijah. "I haven't seen or heard from you in a week"

"I'm alive" Elijah replied. He sounded like a dying person despite his words.

"I can see that" Molly said. "So what you been up to?" She didn't know how to approach the situation. She's never seen the cheerful Elijah so upset. Molly didn't want to step on a landmine.

"You know, getting my heart ripped out" he said, shrugging.

Molly fished into her pocket, taking out a small snicker and handing it to Elijah then said, "Chocolate always cheer me up. That's the last one but you can have it"

"Thanks" Elijah took the chocolate. It was rare for Molly to give away chocolate.

"Are you coming to poetry night this Friday?"

"Why should I?" Elijah scoffed. "I can't even write a poem again. I haven't been able to write one for the longest time now"

"That hasn't stopped you before. Who cares if you can't write one. I use to go and couldn't even write a poem if my life depended on it"

"I just can't molly" Elijah was slowly losing his way.

"I'm sorry about what happened with you and Scott but I hate seeing you like this. Where's the Elijah that was always smiling"

"I'm sorry Molly" Elijah said, hugging the throw pillow in his hand. A sudden rush of emotions overwhelmed him, rising from the pit of his stomach. "Molly, can you do me a favour?"

"Sure, what is it?"

For the longest while he wasn't able to write. Inspiration was pouring out of him and he couldn't let it slip away.

What should Elijah do when he loses something precious to him? When he loses the person he loves?

He should write a poem.