Chapter 23

Spring crawled toward Ellesmure, arriving as it generally did with heavy, relentless rain. Soon, the miserable weather and its whip-sharp wind would give away to sunny tranquility, but until then, everything was wet.

Mist hung in dense curtains in the low valleys. Dewdrops sparkled, caught in hair, and suspended across lashes. Moisture clung to the shoulders of anyone who dared venture outside for more than a handful of minutes. In the castle, it was steamy as blazing fires burned day and night in an attempt to keep clothes, shoes, and the air dry. The result was a clammy, clinging sensation that was too hot and too damp by turns. The heavy scent of wet wool and heated leather was inescapable.

My skirts slapped against my legs with waterlogged heaviness as I walked through the soggy, boggy lowlands. I hated the oppressive humidity inside the castle but felt invigorated by the kiss of cool rain on my cheeks as I walked outside. My hair dripped freezing rivulets down my neck, but the sensation was refreshing.

Over the sound of my squelching steps, I heard the low rumble of a horse galloping behind me. I turned, surprised to find Alex riding toward me on his gray stallion. I waved and smiled as he approached.

"Eilean!" He hollered, signaling for me to stop. He beamed when I paused and pulled the reins to slow his horse as he trotted into my sphere.

"Where are you going?" He asked, taking off his hat and shaking off the raindrops.

It wasn't raining outright, but the mist was not daunted in its quest to dampen everything.

I reached out and rubbed the horse's neck, savoring the animal's heat under my frozen fingertips.

"The Morrisons had a baby. I am taking them a basket of food and some new linens for diapers." I explained.

"In the rain? And on foot?" Alex asked with raised brows. "The Morrisons live five miles from here!"

I shrugged, "I like the exertion. And I'll take any excuse to leave Stormway after being cooped up all winter. The fires make it too hot in there, anyway."

Alex eyed me carefully. I hadn't wholly returned to full strength after years of starvation, but with a month's worth of square meals, a ten-mile walk wouldn't hurt. My clothes no longer hung off of me, and I didn't have to pack my stays full of padding to keep the undergarment from collapsing over my chest.

"I packed several snacks to eat as I go," I said, hoping it would help my cause.

Alex clicked his tongue and shook his head, "I'll take you the rest of the way." He bent over the pommel and offered me his hand.

Scoffing at his offer, I walked on, playfully refusing his help. Undeterred, he spurred his horse into a slow walk beside me.

"Come on," he drawled after a quarter of a mile when I stopped to pull my foot out of a muddy hole. It was deep enough that mud seeped over the edge of my boot.

"You gain nothing but more filth by refusing me," Alex said, holding back his grin. "Think of how annoyed the laundress will be, scrubbing out your petticoats."

I looked at Alex over my shoulder, incredulous that he would bring undergarments into his coercion. "You, sir, are not proper."

"I never promised that I was."

Snorting at that, I passed Alex my basket to hold as I pulled myself up and over the saddle. With great pomp, Alex placed my basket on my lap. Nestled sideways between him and the pommel, my seat was warm and cozy. Alex reached his arms around my waist to hold the reins, which pushed me back against his chest.

The hold was close. Intimate. I shivered as a flicker of excitement ran down my spine. Turning my head to hide the flush I felt creeping along my neck and face, I looked forward.

Alex and I had not fallen back into the breathless familiarity we had known the last time he was at Stormway. The murky, thrilling memories of our previous involvement felt as unreal as anything else that existed before the war. Since his arrival, while there had been soft smiles and hand-holding and lingering touches, it never escalated. I was surprised by how much I desired it, how much I wanted him.

My desperation to be touched was frightening; a wish to be held and found desirable. It had opened up a new world of loneliness, one I had never experienced. I was like a starved wretch, begging for a crust of bread.

Perhaps our reserve was for the best. I was surely ravaged by starvation and no longer beautiful to him. Who knew what attachments he had formed during his years away. I pushed the thoughts aside, forcing myself to concentrate on the passing scenery and not the thrill of his body pressed against mine.

"What have you been up to today?" I asked Alex, my voice a touch too high. I had to get the swirling memory of his embrace out of my thoughts. The way I wanted to tremble when I felt his breath on my neck.

Alex let out a sigh that tickled my skin and answered, "Thanks to the break in the rain, we finally cleared the northern fields. Now we just have to do the eastern ridge. Hopefully, the rain holds long enough for us to tackle that later this week. I was attending to seed inventory when Angus informed me I was expected to be inspecting horses for purchase in town. No doubt the appointment will need to be rescheduled."

Alex rested his chin in the crook of my neck and I went rigid. I forced myself to loosen up enough to feel natural — if only to keep him there.

"The village is in the opposite direction of the Morrison's cottage," I pointed out.

"Oh, I know." His voice was a smooth ripple, laughter dancing under his words. "It alarmed the men at the gate when you stalked off to the lowlands carrying a heavy load, without a cart or horse. I took pity on you, for whatever mad adventure you were embarking on, and rode your way. Now that I know it's just a basket of linen and food, I'm less inclined to feel like a rescuer. Or, indeed, be helpful at all."

"Are you going to push me off this horse?" I asked archly.

Alex laughed into my hair. "Not yet."

I grunted and rolled my eyes. "The only problem with your predicament, Alex, is that you invited me up here in the first place."

"All right, all right. You can stay." He said, sighing in mock defeat. "And what have you been up to today?"

"Nothing quite as strenuous as hunting down maidens in fields, that's for sure." I teased, elbowing him lightly in the ribs. "I spent most of the morning negotiating a land dispute between the Flaubert and O'Toole widows. They arrived mid-breakfast practically incandescent with fury."

Alex hummed, "So that is why you ran away."

"If no one can find me, no one can bore me with further arguments over acreage."

"You always get the peaceful work," Alex crooned, nipping at my ear. He sat back up, pulling his face from where it had nuzzled on my neck.

I instantly missed its warmth and weight.

We rode for a while in companionable silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I did my best to remain both stiff and pliant enough to feel natural; resting the urge to collapse against Alex's torso and snuggle into his embrace. The soft sound of his breathing made me feel strangely drowsy. The steady rise and fall of his chest against my shoulder rocked me into a calm sense of safety. I know I started to doze because Alex woke me by shaking my arm.

"Eilean?" He asked quietly.

"Mmm," I hummed, coming out of my dreams.

"Do you remember Walther's Standing?"

Immediately, I was on alert, "Yes, of course."

Alex went quiet again for a long time, unease spread like cold sludge through my limbs, numbing them and making my fingers tingle.

"What about it?" I snipped, my nerves getting the better of me.

"My grandmother was so angry at me. For leaving. That I left without telling her, I mean."

The nervous tremors in my stomach stilled, my shoulders drooped, and I looked up at Alex. He faced straight ahead, jaw tight. What was he going on about?

"I rode like hell to make it on time, handed over a fistful of gold to sail first. That is to keep from waiting for the ship to be loaded with cargo. I thought a lighter ship might sail faster. That crossing was brutal, I've never been so seasick in my life. But it didn't matter. I would arrive in time."

If I had not known Alex my entire life, I might not have picked up on the fact that he was stumbling through this speech. Buying time. His phrases were disjointed, unclear. There was an answer in between his words. If only I could find it. My spirits were caught up, wrapped around my heart like a vine. Some unpredictable, weighty truth was arriving. The surrounding air buzzed and thinned.

"I'm sure Walther wouldn't have minded — " I started.

Alex cut me off. "No, Eilean!" He swore, jerked the reins, and pulled the horse to a stop.

I shifted in my seat and faced him straight on, "What the devil is going on?" I asked, almost unable to speak as I took in his fearsome, wonderful face.

His eyes were bright with intense fervor, his lips parted and flushed. He breathed slowly, heavily, as if trying to control himself.

At the sight of him, something burst into life inside of me. I would have slid off the horse and had him right there in the frigid and flooded field. I was beside myself, dancing on a knife's tip. He was combustible, all unspent energy and pent-up fire. I itched to reach up and caress his cheek. The offending limb only twitched in my lap; unwilling to move as I demanded it.

"Eilean," Alex whispered my name. It floated away on the wind. He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them again, his countenance was piercing. "I thought it was your Standing."

"Oh."

I blinked a few times, my mind was barren. A roar howled through my head, clogging my ears. I let the weight, the implication of his words sink into my bones. I shivered as understanding bloomed within me. Ice seemed to crackle through my veins.

"You came back... for that?" My voice was barely audible. "For me?" My heartbeat thundered in my temples.

Alex looked into me, the sky-blue luster of his eyes boring through my very being. His curls drooped with rainwater and dripped down his cheeks. The shining gold color now rich and burnished. His breath mingled with the mist between us, creating tendrils of steam.

He was my best friend, my most trusted companion, and what he was admitting...

"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. If — if I missed it," He said, voice hoarse. "I don't agree with the practice, but if it had come down to it..." He stopped, the light in his eyes shuttering, a wave of unease undulating across his face. Alex looked down, laughing softly; more to himself, at himself than at me.

"Anyway, who could have passed up the opportunity to watch you give some poor sod a black eye?" He said, clearly deviating from what he had been on the verge of saying.

I inhaled sharply and turned forward, taking a moment to rearrange the frayed edges of my soul. Whatever hopes had bloomed in my heart were shredded by the abrupt turn of his story. I cleared my throat and tried to clear my head.

Perhaps his feelings had he ever had them, had been short-lived. A product of a sixteen-year-old's folly. I tried my best to stop the flood of humiliation that stained my cheeks red and nursed a sense of painful rejection.

Before I could push myself down from the saddle and continue toward the Morrison's on foot, Alex spoke again.

"You were so very different from how I remembered you. I walked into that great hall and it was clear you wouldn't have given anyone a black eye. Even if they deserved it."

"What do you mean to imply with that?" I asked frostily.

"Miss Eilean MacLeod was no longer a wild tumbleweed with scabbed knees and sunburnt cheeks. You were the consummate lady in all your silks. Timid as a church mouse. I genuinely thought you were one of your brother's wives. I didn't recognize you at all, and I was looking only for you."

Frustrated by yet another tale about how I never met expectations, I let his last statement fizzle out. Even if, at the time, it had been my sincerest hope.

I grumbled my reply, "And what am I now? An impoverished old maid? Haggard and blistered and worn down by circumstance?"

My words offered more of a mirror into my inner thoughts than I would have preferred to expose. My emotions became a confusing whirlpool of grief, pity, and longing. Part of me missed the silk and the dancing and the finery. The ignorance, too — though I was loath to admit it. These days I only felt exhausted and cold and dirty, with too many demands for my time and attention.

"You're strong," Alex said.

"I don't want to be strong," I spat, not believing it even as I said it.

Alex chuckled. "I suppose what I'm trying to say is... I need to know if the strong, regal, and powerful because you are, you know... if that Eilean MacLeod wants someone to race after her."

I stilled, taking in a large breath that I didn't release. Too afraid to disturb what might come next.

"Either through a sodden field or twice, now, upon the receipt of a letter." He placed his cheek beside mine, caressing the side of my face. Alex's words danced over the skin of my ear and neck like a million joyful kisses.

My heart pounded, I loosed my breath and found I was panting. Tears blurred my vision. "Yes," I whispered.

To further demonstrate my resolve, I leaned into him, breaking through the walls between us, barriers I hoped only existed in my mind.

Alex tightened his arms around me, "Good."

My eyes fluttered shut at the promise in that one word. Alex kissed me on the too-tender skin under my ear. His rough whiskers snagged on my hair, scraped along my jaw.

We didn't speak the rest of the way to the Morrison's. Despite the cold, miserable weather, I felt feverish. Lit from within by a bright, glowing torch.