Chapter 43

I did not rush headlong into work. Instead, I hid in my rooms sulking until lunchtime when I finally shuffled up to the study, intent on getting some accounts balanced. Hopefully, the distraction of numbers and calculations would stop the endless, gloomy roll of thoughts through my head.

Alex was waiting there, leaning against the doorjamb. Clean, dressed and freshly pressed. He looked a mile better than he had earlier, hungover and rumpled from sleep. A slow smile spread across his face as I approached.

"I thought I might find you here." He checked a battered pocket watch that hung from his vest. "You weren't here earlier, and you weren't here an hour ago, but I knew work would eventually lure you."

With only a glare in his direction, I swept past him and unlocked the door, pushing into the office. Sunlight streamed into the room. I was annoyed by its cheerfulness. I walked into the room and settled down at my desk. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Alex move into the room. He watched me for a few moments while I pretended to scratch out a letter. Nonsense words that formed nonsense shapes on the page.

"What?" I snapped, looking up at him.

"You are angry with me. You said we would talk about it. So I'm here, now, to talk about it."

Exhaustion overcame me, and I slouched in my chair. I did not want to talk about it. I wanted to forget the morning and start fresh. The light in Alex's eyes told me I could not wiggle out of the conversation. Perhaps celebration days were no good if the next day everything turned upside down and you had to navigate the fallout with a throbbing headache.

I took a breath, trying to compose myself. Biting the inside of my cheek. I did not trust myself to speak. Tears sprang to my eyes unbidden, fueled by my frustration.

"I'm not angry," I said.

"You nearly evicted me from Stormway," Alex countered with a dry laugh.

I shook my head. "No, I would never. Not again."

He considered my face, apprised whatever he found there, and nodded, accepting my answer.

Steeling myself, I blurted out my question before cowardice could overcome me. "Why does it matter if the servants see you in my bed? It has been years, Alex. Our... our..." I couldn't think of a word innocent enough. "Our nights together are no secret. If you are ashamed of —"

"No!" He reached out and captured my hand in his. "It is not shame. Never shame. Never regret. I only ever meant to preserve your reputation. Your standing —"

I bristled at the word. He nodded his head as if he understood the unfortunate connotation.

"I know you do not wish to be protected, Eilean. But others would not blame or ridicule me, a man, as they would you if they were to find out." Tenderness tugged at his every feature.

My mouth went dry, both at his concern and at the echo of Innis' suggestion of his feelings for me.

I looked at our joined hands, rubbed my thumb over the back of his knuckles. "Alex, can I ask you a ridiculous question?"

"Is it ridiculous because you know the answer or because you are afraid of what you will learn?"

My heart slammed against my chest, a warm blush made my face feel tight. My emotions and thoughts were haphazard enough, untrustworthy enough, on a good day. I looked up at his face, hunting for the trap. There was none. Alex's face, as always, was open and curious. Kind.

"Neither?" I breathed, unsure of my answer.

"I am at your mercy, my lady. Please ask me whatever you wish."

Knowing this was the moment, understanding I had brought us to some sort of precipice, I hesitated. The air was too heavy, my body too light. I floated as the room spun and I choked on my words. "Forget it, it's just something stupid Innis said."

"Out with it," Alex commanded, gripping my hand.

Shaking my head, I looked away. I had failed with him yesterday in the field. I had failed with Wallis by the fire. I would fail again now. Opening and closing my mouth a few times, I was incapable of the speech I yearned to give. The question I was dying to have answered.

"Forget it," I said.

Alex wore a look of battered disappointment like a heavy mask. "Whatever you wish," he said, dropping my hand. Without another word, he pulled up some letters and rifled through them.

It was impossible for me to focus. I could only shuffle the pages of my ledger. Numbers and columns were like smears of heavy black ridicule.

The clock ticked. The fire snickered in the grate. After an agonizing ten minutes, Alex looked up again. I met his gaze.

"I am sorry," he said, picking up the threads of the unfinished discussion.

"I should apologize." The words rushed out of my mouth.

"Eilean, I..." He stopped, shook his head. "I brought you a peace offering." Reaching into his pocket, Alex pulled out a handful of small marzipan candy stars wrapped in paper. "I snuck them from Cook. She is using them on a cake later."

I smiled, letting any awkwardness and resentment go. How long had I known Alex? Trusted him? There was no subtext to his actions. There never had been. I might not have cared if everyone knew that he shared my bed, but he understood the world outside of the protection of Ellesmure. A world where information could be used against me. I took the offered candy and nibbled on it.

"I understand," I said.

He smiled, shrugging off the discomfort of the morning.

"It's so quiet," I said, missing the usual sounds of bustling work, the call of maids and field hands across the grounds.

"If everyone's head feels as bad as mine, then I'd say we're in for an easy afternoon," Alex said, all traces of heaviness gone. He seemed himself again, playful and energetic.

Turning back to my ledgers, the numbers coherent, I promised, "I will check in with the healers later. See what scrapes need patching up."

"I seem to remember someone grousing about the wheat inventory. Is that no longer a priority?" Alex teased.

I laughed, shaking my head. "It will keep."

Eating the rest of my candy, I shuffled through a pile of unanswered letters. I lingered on one from Calum, laughing at it before tossing it atop the others and moving the stack to the corner of the desk.

Alex picked up the letter and scanned it. "Eilean, what is this?" His voice was cold.

"What's what?"

Alex held the letter gingerly, waving it back and forth. Laughing, I grabbed for it.

"Nothing," I answered.

"Were you going to answer it?" His eyes were hard.

Warily, I went on alert. Sensitive to the dramatic shift in his mood. "I had not planned on it."

"And how, exactly, would you have answered this renewed offer of marriage from the noble Laird Grant of Istimere?"

I blinked, stunned. "Are you serious?"

Calum had written with updates on the Charter delegation. And, in jest, peppered the letter with admissions of long-suffering love and devotion. Calum had many moods in his letters: effusive like a love-struck poet, moody like a drunk bard. Sometimes he wrote in code, sometimes backward and upside down. I had never once taken a letter of his seriously, seeing them instead as outlets for his creativity and need for fun.

In this letter, he had claimed that he had extolled my virtues until his throat bleed. That he cried with the other Lairds over my many rejections. He behooved us to start an empire together, reigning as vengeful monarchs on thrones made of ice and diamond. His extravagance had been what amused me and I deemed it all a good joke.

There was, however, a new bargaining chip: Calum suggested he might persuade the delegation to forgive Ellesmure's debts if I made an Island marriage. It was a generous, outrageous offer. While I had done my best to pay back the years of overdue arrears, my father had left behind, Stormway was far from forgiven. I still owed many weighty balances to numerous creditors. Calum's offer had terrified me. It so perfectly played into my need to keep Ellesmure for my own. I knew I would refuse. I was reluctant to be beholden to anyone but myself. No doubt Calum had already dismissed the offer on my behalf. He was a ludicrous man, but he knew me.

Alex threw the letter down, disgusted. "So you have a price."

"Excuse me?"

"You object to The Standing because you liken it to a cattle auction and yet you would consider this? An exchange of money for your hand in marriage?"

I stood up, the chair toppling over behind me. "Where did I accept? Do you see my response?" I set off pacing around the room.

Alex stepped into my path, blocking me. "How many times will you let him woo and propose to you before you tell him to stop?"

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to throttle him. This new outburst, so different from the one this morning, hurt worse than the first. "Are you getting jealous now?"

My laugh was cold and merciless. I was anything but amused. Alex had to know. Had to. Why didn't he know? A wicked part of my soul hoped to provoke him, to see if he would rise to the occasion and bear his own confession. If I was too weak to dismantle the fortress we had erected around our hearts, perhaps he could.

"So it's fine for you to hear proposals from other men but not from me?" Alex crumpled the letter in his fist.

"When have you ever asked me?" I shouted.

Alex gaped. He rocked back a step.

"The day Innis arrived, in the kitchens, you claimed I would not have you. What have I done but have you, Alex?"

Watching Alex's anger disappear and be replaced by horror was like watching a candle blown out by an icy wind.

"Calum is joking in that letter. I don't know anyone more on your side than he is. Calum has never once tried to make an advance. Not a serious one. He knows. He knows, and he's not getting involved. Do not make him out to be something he is not."

Alex bowed his head, an apology ready on his lips.

Tears — more damnable tears — shimmered across my sight. They were the only thread I had to weave together my shattering heart.

"I know this is impossible," I said, defeated. "I know I am being unfair. I can't keep you here forever. You have your own lands, your own responsibilities. In a perfect world, I'd just go back to The Fist with you and it would be done. But this isn't your home, and I can't leave mine."

There it was. Hanging in the air between us. The axe that loomed over both our heads. The reason for my reticence. The justification for his demands of propriety.

Alex's face was lined with sorrow. Tears streamed down his cheeks. "You don't get it, do you?" He shook his head.

"What? What don't I get?" I shored myself up for another lashing of truth that would break me.

Alex advanced, pressed into me, pushed me back against the desk.

"You are everything," he whispered. His voice was quiet, meek; but full of intensity. His eyes were dark and stormy. "I envy Calum and his freedom to pursue his suit. I envy any man who would beg for your hand. They have the freedom of your rejection. What does it matter to them, or you, if you say no? I know you must refuse me. And I cannot bear that rejection. I could never recover from it, even if I knew it was necessary."

I shook. I was going to burst from the roar of my body in response to his audacity. A tear rolled down my cheek, and he traced its path with his finger. Slow, gentle; the touch soothing.

"If I never ask you to be mine, I never have to hear you tell me you can't."

"Alex —"

He cut me off with a ferocious kiss. His lips were hot against my own. An unrestrained passion swooped through me, burned under my skin. I barely felt the press of the desk against my thighs. There was only Alex. His touch. His breath. His heat. His hands. His body. Pushing against me. His fingers. Tangled in my hair. His arms. Arching me back across the desk, scattering the papers and the ledgers.

I spared a thought for my paperwork when I heard the dull thunk of an inkwell topple over. I stopped thinking of paperwork entirely as I occupied myself in removing Alex's shirt. His hands trailed down my torso, leaving burning pathways against my skin. They came to rest on my hips. Need consumed me as he tugged down my pants, his callused palms scraping across the too-alive skin of my thighs and backside. I toed off my boots and pants. A tickle of cold air sent shivers up my spine as Alex swept my shirt over my head.

For a moment, Alex's lips left their ministrations on my own and I caught his eyes; dark, heavy-lidded, hungry. With a lazy smile, he dipped his head down and licked the swell of my breasts above my stays. Teasingly, he nipped at the soft flesh.

Lost in ecstasy, I closed my eyes and leaned back, pulling him down on top of me. I ran my hands through his hair, still damp from his bath, and then across the expanse of his back. Strong and muscled after years of hard work. When Alex's fingers found and circled the bundle of nerves at my center, I arched back with a laugh, reveling in it. My eyes fluttered open and I noticed the door to the office was wide open.

"Alex!" I gasped, both in shock and in reaction to his quick, circular movements. "The door," I panted.

He looked over, scowling at the offending portal. As if he would rather combust than stop.

"What about protecting my honor?" I teased, pulling him down for a slow, indulgent kiss. I used his distraction as an opportunity and slipped my hand down his torso and under the waistband of his pants. Encircling his hard length with my hand, I moved up and down him with a slight twist.

He stepped back, daring to leave me — protect me. I prevented him from doing so, grasping his wrist with my other hand.

"Everyone's hungover, anyway. Asleep. They're dead to the world. No one is lurking up here." I crooned, angling myself so I was open to him. Pressed against the strength of his desire. Moved up and down him, taunting.

With a dark laugh, Alex returned his attentions to me, kissing me as he ripped open the laces of his trousers.

Gripping my neck he growled, "Shall we wake them?" He slid into me with a quick, urgent thrust.

Rational thought left me as he moved within me. Pulling out and pushing in with deliberate slowness. I wrapped my legs around him, controlling the range of movement, keeping him tightly angled against me. I gripped his forearms and begged him. Faster, harder.

"I do not care," I gasped before I let the fire of him consume me.