Learn to Love Again

Thunder crashes over my head and rain and wind buffet me as I stand on the roof of the mansion, still wearing my fancy turquoise and gold gown from the evening’s festivities. Much as I like this dress--much as my fiancé seemed to like this dress--I don’t really care what happens to it. Right now I’m enjoying being in the middle of a real storm (as opposed to one created by elementals), letting the wind and rain wash away all my stress from this evening.

That’s not to say that things went badly this evening. Actually, I’d be hard pressed to find a better way for everything to have worked out. Well....

“Are you sure that last idea’s out of the question, Torcuil?” I asked my fiancé’s favorite relative in an alcove near the kitchen.

“Aye, milady, though I wish for yer sake that I could,” he replies regretfully. “I did catch a glimpse o’ yer sister earlier, in the halls, and she’s an exceptional beauty, but she’s human, ye know, and I couldn’t lead ’er on, for ’er sake as well as yer own.”

I sigh heavily. This makes perfect sense, and I should have thought of it, myself. “I realise that. I just want to see her happy.”

“O’ course ye do, an’ the boys an’ I’ll do what we can for ye on that count. ’Twill be a night that no one will soon forget.”

“I like the sound of that. Thank you ever so kindly. I hope it’s adequate compensation for the lack of scandalous parties tonight.”

Torcuil just grinned deviously and took his leave in response to that. I got the impression that maybe, by the end of the night, Lady Berkeley and Weston might have preferred the notion of scandalous parties to whatever Torcuil has up his sleeve.

As it turned out, I don’t believe Lady Berkeley suspected any wrongdoing of anyone. Weston, on the other hand....

“Aerys? Are you up here?” Dmitri’s voice calls softly from the ladder that leads to his chambers. I’ve still never been in there, though he’s been in mine. But in a couple nights, that inequity will be set right.

That still seems so strange. My heart lodges in my throat (trying to choke me and avoid this situation entirely) at the thought of being married and all that such a thing entails.

“Yes, I’m here,” I reply after a particularly loud thunderclap rumbles away. It doesn’t take him long to find me in my enclave formed by lilac bushes and rhododendrons, both now long past blooming but gloriously green. Their semi-circle conveniently hides me from the entrances to the roof garden while allowing the wind to hit me full-force.

“What do you think you’re doing? Are you trying to get sick again?” Dmitri asks, taking in my windblown, rain-soaked appearance. I shrug in reply.

“I believe that illness came about as a result of dehydration, not standing in the rain after dark. You, on the other hand, might actually get sick if you stay out in this. Should we find another place to converse? Or did you just come to tell me that Juniper wants me to go to bed?”

His response is to pull a bundle of canvas and metal poles out of a somewhat dry place under some particularly full-foliaged shrubs. After he messes about with it for a few minutes, a sort of tent or rain shelter has been produced. He pulls me inside with him; it’s actually rather more effective and cozy than I thought it would be.

“This should do to protect us from the elements for a while,” he remarks once we’re settled, sitting close together with his arm around me, his warmth slowly drying me. “Now...how much did you have to do with what happened tonight?”

“You’ll have to be more specific. There was a banquet, a ball--I daresay the Royal Orchestra was nothing short of spectacular, and I’m really quite pleased that they are playing at our wedding--”

“And then there was that bit with the parade of young men dressed as satyrs and fauns that entertained your sister for most of the evening, despite her husband’s best efforts to keep her away from them.”

“Oh? I thought that was just part of the evening’s theme. Didn’t we do the decor and everything based on an enchanted forest or A Midsummer Night’s Dream or something?”

“Yes, a splendid cover for your schemes, I’ve no doubt. I’m sure you had nothing to do with the naiads and dryads that were attempting to distract your sister’s husband, either. I have to give him credit. Were I not so drawn to you, I might not have stood a chance....”

I roll my eyes at him. Such remarks do not deserve to be dignified with a response.

“I believe I saw Torcuil’s sisters among those fair ladies, though I’m certain that they were dressed as fairies. Very immodest fairies,” Dmitri continues.

“So they did come, then. I’m glad to hear it. If they’re anything like him, I expect the next several days will be filled with surprises and entertainment.”

“Aerys, stop avoiding this discussion. Did you or did you not conspire with Torcuil regarding this evening’s festivities?”

“The only ‘conspiring’ I did with Torcuil was to ask him to find a way to get her away from her husband and bring her some joy, and I had very little to do with the way in which he chose to handle that request. We spoke for no more than five minutes, and that in between spreading tablecloths and laying out the silver.”

“It’s not like you to trust so much to someone else.”

“I didn’t want to be blamed if it backfired, and Torcuil had far more resources at his disposal than I did to suit my purposes.” I pause, wondering if I should reveal what my real intentions were. “I actually went to him in the hopes that he would ask her to dance and then entertain her for the evening. When we were growing up, she always liked the stories with princes or heroes like Torcuil--fiery, mischievous, and a little reckless. But because she’s a human, without magic, of course he said no. He was actually quite honorable about it. Didn’t want to lead her on, cause her any more pain than what she’s already been through.”

“Did you think any less of him? Because then I might have to actually be angry with you.”

“Dmitri, I do not know him nearly as well as you do. I felt confident that you would not be so close with anyone you did not hold in high esteem and that therefore he was trustworthy and potentially helpful, but I truthfully did not quite know what to expect or what I was getting myself into.”

He squeezes me a little, in a reassuring way. “Calm down, Aerys. I was joking. I’m not mad at all. I just wanted an explanation, because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing down there, nor that my parents actually seemed to be okay with it. Everyone just took it as a matter of course, except your sister’s husband. I’m sure he’ll be demanding that he and your sister be taken home immediately, if he can find anyone who will listen to him.”

“I believe he’ll be more concerned with finding Kyla, since they were separated during the festivities this evening, and I hope that won’t be easy for him.” I can’t keep myself from smirking. Giving Weston a taste of the misery Kyla’s been drowning in is deliciously satisfying.

“Beg pardon?”

“I believe she’s in the custody of Torcuil’s sisters, at least until after the wedding. They’re serving in my bridal party, which should make some splendid irony--them in water-themed gowns. Anyway, Torcuil tells me that they have been given instructions to keep Weston from finding her until the wedding ceremony and without interfering with dress fittings and visits with me. It is also my understanding that a few of our satyrs and dryads were actually human, not elementals, and that they will be around in the event that either Kyla or Weston wants to see any of them again.”

Dmitri is silent for several moments. “How did you manage that?” he manages eventually.

“I don’t know. All Torcuil’s doing, I assure you. I am none so clever, myself.”

The look on Dmitri’s face suggests that he thinks I am full of rubbish.

“Clever enough, but lacking the resources. How Torcuil managed it, however, is equally perplexing, unless he talked some of our staff into it...”

“Or brought his own staff who were willing. Is that not customary, for those of high rank? To travel with personal attendants?”

“Of course. That must have been it. Though in that case, I’m sure Malina could have helped you.”

“Malina has a sweetheart and would never agree to do anything herself that might jeopardize that relationship. We’ve spoken of such things before. I asked her once, if she could possibly attempt to distract Giacomo from me. Of course, because she is human, it could not have worked anyway, but--”

Dmitri silences me with a kiss, wholly unexpected by me but hot and full of incredulous gratitude.

“So you did try to find a way to make him leave you alone,” he breathes, both happy and surprised.

“Of course I did. You think I enjoyed feeling so distant from you? You think I didn’t notice the tension between us all the time? I wanted more than anything to fix things, but I couldn’t figure out how, especially once that Russian harlot came into the picture. That terrible afternoon may be the only time I’ve been somewhat glad that I’m related to Xenia de Poitiers.”

“She was useful, then. And useful in bringing us together.” His grip around me tightens as emphasis.

“Instrumental, you mean, for that second one.”

“It makes little difference now.” He’s right, of course. We’ve been through so much and gotten to know each other so well that we would have chosen each other even without her mandates and enchanted necklaces. “Did you at least warn Kyla about what you were planning?”

Fear grips my heart suddenly.

“I didn’t have enough information to really warn her. I did whisper to her that I intended to make sure she had fun, but I didn’t really know what was coming, remember. I should try to find her, make sure she’s doing all right.” Weston, of course, is not doing all right, not that anyone is terribly bothered by this. He’s been nearly apoplectic with rage all night, criticizing the immodesty of the entertainers’ apparel, warning against the dangers of lust, and ordering Kyla in no uncertain terms to “stop fraternizing with the kin of the devil.” The ladies who were trying to distract him managed to escort him out, aided by a few burly pretend centaurs and without making too much of a scene. Kyla, on the other hand, really seemed to be enjoying herself, although she did keep sending concerned glances in Weston’s general direction. Still, I haven’t been as good a sister as I thought--

“Aerys?” Malina’s voice calls from the ladders. I dart out of the makeshift shelter and around the plants to meet her before Dmitri can decide to hold me back and make our presence here a secret. Maybe she can help me find Kyla.

“Yes, Malina?” I ask, trying with some success to keep my anxiety out of my voice.

“You’ll want to make sure Juniper doesn’t see that gown soaking wet with a muddy hem. She’ll have a fit. I’ll help you with it when you come down, which ought to be soon. It’s quite late. Also, your sister wanted me to tell you that she’s now in a suite directly under yours, with the twin MacKenna sisters, and that she’s very pleased with how the evening’s turned out. I think, though she’d never say so, that her husband was annoying her as much as he was annoying the rest of us. I take it she’s stuck with him on account of another one of your grandmother’s bright ideas?”

I breathe a deep sigh of relief. Thank goodness she’s not mad at me. “Indeed. We’ll visit her in the morning and tell you all about it, during the final dress fittings for the wedding. Thank you so much for telling me all of this. I was worried about how she’d handle the evening’s festivities. I’ll come inside in a few minutes, if Dmitri lets me.”

“You’d better. You remember how sick you got last time you stayed out late in the rain.”

“Yes, I remember. We have a proper rain shelter this time, though.”

Malina looks me up and down, taking in my rain-drenched hair and sodden dress, and says nothing. Her eyes say enough as she returns to my suite. I don’t want to incur her wrath, and so I will go back inside soon, no matter what Dmitri says.

He’s standing nearby, framed by two of the taller lilac bushes that are concealing our hiding place. Just the look in his eyes is enough to draw me into his arms. His hands glide slowly down my sides, spreading heat through my dress to dry it as he has before, and as before I tremble slightly as tingles run down my spine and all throughout my body because of his touch. It feels almost exactly the way it did before any of the nonsense with Giacomo and that Russian strumpet happened. We’re going to be okay, even getting married so soon.

As if sensing my thoughts, Dmitri’s lips brush my ear, intensifying the tingles coursing through my veins.

“I’m glad it’s so soon,” he whispers huskily. I know what he means, what he wants, and suddenly it occurs to me that I want it, too.

“So am I,” I murmur, surprised to hear myself say the words. His lips cover mine and for the next few minutes the raindrops that hit us evaporate quickly with a hiss of steam.

“You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that,” he tells me, his eyes revealing the extent of his happiness. The flames in them are dancing and leaping, and they actually glow somewhat despite the darkness around us. “But it’s going to make waiting so much harder....”

“Then I’ll leave, and stop tempting you.” I pull away and move towards my ladder, but he catches my wrist and pulls me back to him.

“You know it’s not that easy. Don’t you dream--” I press a finger to his lips, asking him to say no more on that subject. We’ll never leave this rooftop if we keep going like this.

“We can talk about that another time. But tonight, we need to go to our own separate suites for bed, for the sake of our sacred honor and no matter how much we might prefer other courses of action.”

“Let me kiss you goodnight, then,” he relents, eyes still smoldering with desire. He keeps it brief and sweet, but the undercurrent of raw passion still makes my knees weak. “Until tomorrow, then.”

“Goodnight.” I love you. The words almost slip out, but I bite them back, wondering where they came from. It’s true. I love him. I can’t help wondering if he feels the same way, if he’ll ever say those three words to me. His eyes meet mine again as we each reach our ladders and look back, and in that moment I know. Some things don’t always need to be said.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want them to be.