Chapter 53

53–Selfish and shy When we reach the grave from before, I stop and release his hand. It falls to his side. I stare at the grave and avoid his face.

“You were right when you said I’m selfish.” I start.

“I don’t know how to trust. Until now, I’ve never even tried to, not really, I run away, hide and who tries to get close to me. But there is on avoid everyone thing I have always trusted and that is fate. These threads that I see. They never deceive me, they show truth, good and bad. They do nothing to spare my feelings because fate doesn’t care about my feelings. There are times I wish I couldn’t see them at all because what I see is so heartbreaking. But despite that, I really do trust them. Completely. I trust them so completely that I know I will be tied to you forever, even when we are both dead and gone.” I pause and turn to face Bellamy. His expression is giving nothing away and I have to once again fight my natural inclination to flee.

“I’m selfish because I knew that even if I ran away from my feelings and rejected you, it wouldn’t be forever because you’re fated to be mine eventually. I’m selfish because I drove you away and hid the truth, even though I knew the time would come when I would want you back, and that eventually, you would come back to me, because fate never lies to me. I’m selfish because refusing you was easy.” I stop and my eyes drop to the floor, staring at my feet. There is blood on my skirt. I’m shaking again. I push forward, I need to finish what I came to say.

“It was so easy, not because I didn’t want to be yours, but because I already was yours. I’ve been yours completely, even before we ever met, I knew I could never be with anyone else. I just wasn’t ready to accept that, to trust in something, someone other than fate. The night of the party, I never meant for it to be all or nothing, it was just… not yet.” I still can’t look up, I don’t notice Bellamy moving until I feel his hand on my shoulder. His other hand moves to my chin and I’m forced to look up at him. His face has softened. The anger has faded, and his expression is… hopeful.

“And what about now? Is it still not yet?” His voice is gentle, and I find myself lost in hist golden eyes.

Part of me wants to throw myself in his arms, tell him that I’m his and that I missed him, but part of me still wants to run away, and I don’t think I can pretend that part of me doesn’t exist. I promised to be truthful so that’s what I’m going to be..

53- Selfish and shy “I don’t want to lie to you… I don’t know if I’m ready to be your mate, but… but I do know that I can’t just walk away from you again. It hurts too much, I miss you too much.” I admit. Bellamy smiles at me, a proper smile. Until this very second, I didn’t realise how much I’ve needed his smile.

“I missed you too, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you.” He mutters. He moves slowly, his intentions clear. He’s giving me time to stop him, to move away. He’s watching my face for any sign that this isn’t okay, waiting for me to flinch back, but I don’t, I hold still and stare up into his eyes. Finally, he leans all the way in and kisses me. A proper kiss this time, not the light brush from last time. This kiss is gentle and sweet and perfect. I can tell he is holding back, being careful not to scare me away and I appreciate it. Shyly, awkwardly, I kiss him back. This is the first kiss I’ve always wanted, hoped for.

Bellamy pulls back and examines my face. I give him a timid smile and his answering smile is so bright it’s practically blinding. His hand slides down my shoulder and he takes my hand.

“Fate says we’re meant to be, and I believe you. But we control how. We don’t need to jump right into anything you aren’t ready for. We can move forward at our own pace. As long as we are actually moving forward together.” Bellamy says, his voice is gentle but I know he’s waiting for something from me. Some kind of commitment, or promise. I’m not sure what more I can tell him than what I already have so I nod.

“I’ll try not to run again.” Bellamy smiles so it must be enough for him. I glance down at our hands. I blurt out my next words without thinking.

“Do we have to tell everyone?” my words come out in a rush. Bellamy looks confused.

“You… want to keep this a secret?” I give a half nod–half shrug.

“Not from Megan or Darrien or anything like that. Just… from everyone else. The Alphas, the other Shifters…” I trail off and understanding dawns on his face.

“You’re afraid of the pressure?” he confirms. I nod. Bellamy is quiet for a moment, then gives a heavy sigh.

“You know I would never let anyone pressure you. But if this is what you want… what it takes. to have you… just tell me it’s not forever.” I stare at him in horror.

53- Selfish and shy.

“Of course it’s not forever, I couldn’t do that to you, to either of us. I just need time to… get used to it all.” I explain. Bellamy nods.

“I can give you time.” I smile at him, lean up on my toes and kiss him lightly on the cheek. I can feel myself blushing red as I do so and Bellamy smiles at my embarrassment. Suddenly, without warning, he begins to laugh. He is laughing so hard that he can barely stand up straight. I’m so confused, what is so funny?

“What is it?” I demand. Bellamy holds up his free hand as he tries to pull himself together. It takes him a moment but finally he is calm enough to speak again.

“I was thinking about the day we met, when you answered the door in your pyjamas and slippers, with your hair all mussed. Your expression… it was part awe and part horror. I guess now I know why. It makes so much more sense. At the time, I thought that you must have some issue with Shifters. It’s part of why I was so rude.” I stare at him in surprise, I really thought I did a better job hiding my reaction than that. It doesn’t take long for me to start laughing too which sets Bellamy off again..

“I knew I’d have a soul mate somewhere, but I really didn’t expect you to just show up at my doorstep. I mean I really did try to stay calm. I was freaking out.” I point out to him. He chuckles.

“I believe it. Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs right away. I found you so easily. When you showed me those blisters on your feet from the heels I was furious which was insane because I didn’t know you, your asshole neighbour made me lose it quicker than anyone ever has before and you stood up to me. You even managed to kick me out. I’m the Alpha, people don’t do that to me. But it was my own fault I suppose, I did act like a jerk, although it didn’t come easy.” I roll my eyes at him.

“You mean you had to actively TRY to be mean to me?” Bellamy mimics a serious expression and nods, but the glint in his eyes gives him away. I can’t help but laugh at him.

“What is that?” Bellamy wonders aloud. That’s when I realise my phone is still hooked around my wrist and it’s vibrating. I have to pull my hand from his in order to unhook the phone from my wrist and answer it. Bellamy pouts and I have to fight the desire to giggle. The call is from Darrien.