Chapter 9

Erika's pov

I made my way to the grocery store, the cool evening air doing wonders to clear my head after the strange day I had. I was grateful for a moment to myself, away from Catherine's suffocating care. As I walked through the aisles, the mundane task of shopping for groceries brought a sense of normalcy I craved. I took my time, carefully selecting fruits and vegetables, determined to start cooking my own meals and reclaim some independence.

I was examining a bunch of bananas when I heard a familiar voice. "Erika?"

I turned to see Josh standing a few feet away, holding a basket of groceries. Oh no. This is horrible. It's a small world. He looked genuinely surprised to see me. "Hey," I said, trying to sound casual. "What are you doing here?" I contemplated apologizing, but decided against it to avoid awkwardness, unless he brings it up.

"Just picking up a few things for dinner," he replied, walking over. "How about you?"

"Same," I said, showing him the contents of my basket. "Trying to eat healthier."

Josh chuckled. "Yeah, I get that. So, how was your first day of classes?"

"It was good," I replied, smiling. "Bio and Psych were interesting. And I started my shift at the coffee shop. It was busy, but I liked it."

"That's great to hear," he said. "I have a friend who's in PSYCH 200. Maybe you'll run into her."

I nodded, feeling a bit more at ease. "How about you? How were your classes?" I guess we'll just pretend like nothing ever happened between us.

"Pretty good," Josh said. "A lot of reading already, but nothing too crazy."

There was a brief pause as we both seemed to run out of things to say. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, unsure of how to proceed.

Josh, sensing the awkwardness, broke the silence, "Hey, I was actually going to make something Asian tonight, you're cousin, Eiki is eating at my frat and recommended chicken... uh chicken k-k-"

"Chicken Katsu?" I interrupted him, or more so helped him out.

"Ah yes that, Do you want to join me? It might be fun, and we could talk more about classes and stuff."

I hesitated, my mind flashing back to our horrible awkward kiss. But it's better than going back to Catherine's. This was what college students did. "Sure," I said, smiling. "I'd like that."

"Great," Josh said, his face lighting up. "I just need to grab a couple more things. Do you need anything else?"

"Actually, I think I'm good," I said, glancing at my basket. "I'll check out and wait for you by the entrance."

Josh nodded and headed off to finish his shopping. I made my way to the checkout line, feeling a strange mix of excitement and nerves. This was my chance to make amends, to have a normal college experience, even if just for an evening.

After paying for my groceries, I waited by the entrance, my heart pounding slightly. It wasn't long before Josh joined me, his basket now filled with ingredients for spaghetti. "Ready to go?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's go," I said, trying to calm my racing thoughts. We walked back to his frat house, the same one we had the party at, chatting about our classes and professors. The conversation flowed easily, and I found myself relaxing more with each step.

When we arrived at his apartment, Josh led me to the kitchen and set his groceries on the counter. "Make yourself at home," he said. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Water would be great," I replied, placing my own groceries on the counter. Josh handed me a glass of water, and we started preparing the meal together. It felt natural, comfortable, and I couldn't help but compare it to the cooking session I had with Catherine earlier. This was different. This was what I wanted.

As we chopped vegetables and cooked the chicken, we talked about our hometowns, our favorite movies, and our plans for the future. Josh was easy to talk to, and I found myself laughing and sharing stories I hadn't told anyone in a long time.

"Do you want to taste the sauce?" Josh asked, holding out a spoonful of the sauce we had made.

I nodded and leaned in to take a bite. The sauce was good, just like Mama's, "It's really good," I said, smiling. "Eiki must've given you this recipe huh?."

Josh grinned. "Yeah you caught me, but my mom also taught me a few recipes before I left for college. Spaghetti is my favorite." War flashbacks.

We finished cooking and sat down at the small kitchen table to eat. The meal was simple, but it was perfect. As we ate, I realized how much I had missed this kind of interaction. This was what college was supposed to be like.

After dinner, we cleaned up and continued talking, the hours slipping by unnoticed. By the time I glanced at the clock, it was already past 10 p.m. I still needed to read at the library.

"I should probably get going," I said, reluctantly standing up. "I have homework I completely forgot about."

Josh walked me to the door, his expression warm. "I'm glad you came over, Erika. It was really nice getting to know you better."

"Same here," I said, feeling a genuine smile spread across my face. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Anytime," Josh said. "See you around?"

"Definitely," I replied, stepping out into the cool night air. As I walked back to my apartment, I felt lighter, the weight of the past few days lifting off my shoulders. For the first time since arriving at college, I felt like I belonged. And it was a feeling I wanted to hold on to.

When I finally got back to the house, Catherine was waiting for me. "How was your evening?" she asked, her tone gentle but curious.

"It was good," I replied, setting my groceries down. "It's actually not over yet. I'm going to finish my homework at the library. I haven't got to see it completely yet."

Catherine's pov

It was already after 10 p.m and Erika wanted to go out? That is ridiculous. If only she could be my baby all the time. I'm already so attached to her and I've only known her for a couple of days. She makes me go full on mommy mode, especially when she tries to be such a big girl. It makes me want to baby her even more.

Alas I had to bite my tongue. Somewhat. "Are you sure?" I asked, examining her expressions, "It's really late, sweetheart."

"Yeah, I don't have class tomorrow until late, so nothing's keeping me." She said as she started to turn the doorknob. I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up, give her a bottle, and rock her to sleep, it was way past her bedtime.

I was getting tired myself, I had work early in the morning tomorrow. The research was going splendidly. Which makes me have way more time with my baby.

Despite my fatigue, I couldn't fathom going to sleep while Erika was out. If she didn't come home in the next hour I was going to go to that library and get her myself. Even if she throws a tantrum.

Just as I was about to put on my shoes and throw on an outfit I heard the door creak open. She was so adorable trying to be quiet, so as not to wake me.

Her bright red cheeks made me realize I was staring at her as she took off her shoes.

"Hi Catherine, you're still up?" Erika asked once she was fully in the door.

"Yes, but I was just about to go to bed." I responded, "You should do the same missy. It's too late." I lightly scolded. Erika nodded and headed to the bathroom, likely to shower. I waited a little for her to be settled before I fully went to bed.

I opened her door with the intention of wishing her a goodnight, but I was apparently too late because on the bed was a passed out Erika, it looked as if a stampede couldn't even wake her.

The blankets were slightly off her so I tucked her and kissed her goodnight before I finally drifted to sleep.

—---------------------

A couple of weeks had passed and Erika had been a perfect angel. She still demanded privacy during bath time, and kept our talking to a minimum. Yet she did start calling me Cat, which was adorable, I just wished she would call me mommy more.

The only issue we had was when I hid her ramen from her. She stopped eating with me very early on and insisted she make her own food. But I was concerned, she was already so small and frail, and on top of that she was barely eating.

"Hey Cat, have you seen my noodles?" Erika yelled as she shifted through the pantry, "They were just here yesterday."

"Yes I hid them," I yelled back, "you can't just have ramen everyday for every meal. Do you know what that does to your body? And it's hardly nutritious." I stated. Erika angrily exited the kitchen and went out the door without saying goodbye. She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset with me.

She wasn't the best communicator, I could tell she lets things bubble up. It's only a matter of time before she explodes, but when she does I will be there to pick up the pieces.

The past three days have not been so pleasant. Midterms season is approaching and Erika has been majorly stressed out about it. She spends all her time working and studying at the library. She gets home at absurd hours, so absurd we can't complete our two hours together.

I wanted to scold her, to tell her getting home at 3 a.m is unacceptable. Today she said she was going to study with a friend once more. Meaning once again she will be home late, too late that she will have to complete eight hours eventually.

It's been far too long since I've held her in my arms. I miss rocking her to sleep and dressing her up, doing her hair. I miss my baby. She avoids me at all costs when I'm not playing mommy. So I suggested studying in her room at home and I could help her with any questions she had. I miss just having her around.

She reluctantly agreed, after I told her about my studying technique that got me top of class on almost every test.

Erika's pov

After a long day at work I texted Jessica, a girl I met in my bio class, my study partner as we're both neuro majors.

Cat insisted we studied at home. I didn't want to, but Jessica told me Catherine was a world round neurologist, valedictorian of her class, and is said to be the best neurologist of our time. All of that, and I still didn't want to, but Jessica wouldn't let it go, so eventually I agreed.

Jessica met up with me at the coffee shop and we walked home together.

"Wait so how'd you end up with Catherine Barlowe as a roommate?" Jessica asked, "She's definitely well-off enough to not need a roommate." She finished. I wasn't going to tell her about the conditions, it's so embarrassing. I just remain reserved.

I shrugged, "I didn't know about her," I looked down at the ground, it's not as if I was lying, "didn't even know she was old, I thought she was some random college student."

"She's a mystery. I heard she's a lesbian, is that true?" Jessica inquired.

I shrugged again. I was getting annoyed. Who cares?

After a long line of questioning about Cat's lifestyle, I started to get defensive over her for some odd reason. When Jessica said she heard she was a weirdo who changes partners like she changes her clothes, I got extremely infuriated.

I remember on one of the first days in the garden, I asked if there were roommates before me, like me. Cat said no, that I was her first baby, her only baby. I felt it was overstepping to ask about partners, but also I don't care, she can do whatever she wants. By next year I am most definitely going to try to dorm. I'll save up and be out of this odd agreement.

When we finally got home, Catherine greeted us with a huge smile.

"I made you guys a quick snack before you study," She placed a charcuterie board on the kitchen table, "young minds need to eat." I motioned Jessica to sit down. Once we did, Cat put a piece of cheese towards my mouth and said, "Open wide".

I almost went into cardiac arrest?!?!

Apparently she took great pride in embarrassing me. Jessica already was suspicious of our arrangement, now I can't even fathom what she was thinking. But luckily Cat left us alone after Jessica and I went to study in my room.

We studied for hours and at multiple points Cat came in and checked up on us. Jessica asked a million and one questions. Cat was happy to help and answer all of them, in great detail.

"Monkey, are you sure you don't have any questions?" Cat asked. Oh. My. God. My cheeks burned with mortification. That nickname was so specific, so personal, so babyish.

My eyes flashed over to Jessica who was laughing at me. Like okay bitch, you're never coming over again, I'm ghosting you after this. I angrily replied, "No I don't, Catheirne." She didn't deserve a nickname at this point.

Catherine stood up, "Okay then I'm going to make us dinner, are you staying for dinner Jessica?"

Before Jessica could even open her mouth I responded for her, "No she's going to leave soon, we need to sleep, we have a quiz tomorrow."

"Erika, that was rude, I was asking Jessica." Catherine scolded me. I was infuriated. Maybe I was just an easily irritable person, because everyone was pissing me the fuck off.

"Yeah she's right," Jessica opened her mouth, "I was planning to leave in 20 minutes anayway."

"Okay then," Catherine approached the door, "are you sure?"

Jessica nodded and I internally groaned. They were both being so annoying. I wanted to literally explode. I was so angry at Catherine. She can't treat me like a baby when I'm not doing my two hours. That's not part of our agreement. She can't embarrass me in front of my friends, she's not my real mom.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom" I told Jessica as I exited the room right after Catherine.

I didn't wait for a response, I walked towards Catherine in the kitchen. She had her apron on and she looked as beautiful as always. I always admired her from afar. I would never admit how much I look up to her, even though I resented her more than anything.

"Hey monkey, is everything okay?" Catherine asked as she took out pots and pans.

"No you can't, you can't treat me like a baby, you aren't my real mother, stop acting like it!" I yelled right in her face. Wow I was so emotional, so dramatic, but I couldn't stop myself, it was flowing out like water.

Catherine put down the spoon in her hand and a stoic expression washed over her face. She started to approach me and lifted me up on her hip. I wanted to kick and scream and fight, but I had already done something so childish, like screaming instead of voicing my concerns, so I couldn't bring myself to resist.

I should have been more concerned about what she was doing. I was confused, she was silent, Catherine was rarely silent. She sat me down the stool, the "time-out stool" as she always threatened.

After she took me off her hip she kneeled down to my eye level. She had that same expression, she looked slightly angry. I could tell she was trying to conceal her true feeling, but something was hidden behind her stoic face.

"You will sit here and look at the wall until I come get you," her gaze pierced through my soul, I felt so vulnerable, so sad at her tone, "understood?" she asked, making me nod out of fear. But I wasn't exactly scared.

"I expect you to use your words, you had no problem earlier." She took a jab at me.

"Yes." I stated simply.

"Yes, who?" Catherine raised her eyebrow.

I was in no position to deny her, "Yes, mommy." I bit back my pride and turned my head from her as she stood up.

I sat on the time-out stool, my face burning with a mix of embarrassment and anger. Catherine's stern gaze lingered in my mind, and I couldn't shake the feeling of vulnerability. I stared at the wall, my thoughts racing. Why did I have to lose control like that? And why did I feel so terrible now?

From my position, I could hear Catherine moving around the kitchen, the sounds of pots and pans clanging as she prepared dinner. The air was thick with tension, and I struggled to compose myself, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over.

After what felt like an eternity, Jessica poked her head into the kitchen, a concerned look on her face. "Erika? Are you okay?"

I forced a smile, though it probably looked more like a grimace. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just felt a little under the weather"

Jessica seemed to accept my explanation, though she gave Catherine a wary glance. "Well, I should get going. Thanks for having me over."

Catherine smiled warmly at her. "You're always welcome, Jessica. Have a good night."

Jessica gave me a quick wave before leaving. Once she was gone, the kitchen fell silent except for the soft hum of the stove and the rhythmic chopping of vegetables.

Finally, Catherine approached me, her expression softened. She knelt down in front of me again, her hands resting on her knees. "Erika, I know you're frustrated, but yelling and being disrespectful isn't the way to handle it."

I looked down at my hands, picking at a loose thread on my jeans. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, feeling a mix of shame and regret.

Catherine's hand gently cupped my chin, lifting my face so our eyes met. "I understand that this situation is difficult for you. We haven't had our time together in three days, and it hurt my feelings when you said those hurtful words."

Her words were sincere, and despite my lingering resentment, I couldn't deny the truth in them. I nodded slowly, my eyes welling up with tears again, but I pushed them aside. "I know, I just...I don't like being treated like a baby in front of my friends. It's humiliating."

Catherine's expression softened further, and she pulled me into a gentle hug. "I understand. I promise I'll be more mindful of that. From now on I'll only baby you when we're in private. Can we agree on that?"

I hesitated for a moment before nodding again. "Okay, I can do that."

She held me for a few more moments, her embrace warm and reassuring. "Good girl. Now, let's get you cleaned up and ready for dinner, alright?"

I felt a strange sense of comfort despite everything. "Okay."

Catherine helped me off the stool and led me to the bathroom to wash my hands. As I splashed cool water over my skin, I felt a bit more grounded, my earlier anger and frustration slowly ebbing away.

Once I was cleaned up, we returned to the kitchen. Catherine continued preparing dinner, her movements calm and efficient. I watched her for a moment before tentatively offering, "Can I help with anything?"

She looked up, a pleased smile spreading across her face. "Of course, monkey. Why don't you help me set the table?"

I nodded and got to work, the familiar task helping to soothe my nerves. By the time everything was ready, I felt more at ease. Catherine and I sat down to eat, the earlier tension between us mostly dissipated.

As we ate, Catherine was her usual gentle self, asking about my day and listening intently to my answers. Despite my earlier outburst, she showed no signs of holding a grudge. She's better than me I suppose.

After dinner, Catherine suggested we watch a movie together. I was hesitant because I was going to study more, but I felt bad because I've been avoiding Cat, even though she's been nothing but the kindest to me.

I agreed, and we settled on the couch, a soft blanket draped over us. As the movie played, I found myself leaning against Catherine, her arm wrapped around me in a comforting embrace. Despite my reluctance to admit it, I craved her affection and the sense of security it brought.

By the time the movie ended, I was half-asleep, my head resting on Catherine's shoulder. She gently nudged me awake and guided me to my room, helping me get ready for bed. She put me in little footy pajamas.

"Goodnight, Erika," she said softly, tucking me in. "I love you."

I heard her, but I let her think I didn't hear, even though I think I somewhat love her too.

She smiled and kissed my forehead before turning off the light and leaving the room. Yet instead of falling asleep I decided to call my mother.

I layed in bed, the soft glow of my phone illuminating the darkness of my room. With a deep breath, I dialed my mother's number, a sense of dread creeping over me. It had been a while since we last spoke, and our conversations rarely went well. But I felt a strange need to hear her voice, to connect with her, even if just for a moment.

The phone rang a few times before she answered. "Hello?" Her voice was cold and distant, as always.

"Hi, mama," I said quietly, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Erika," she replied, her tone sharp. "It's been a while. What do you want?"

I swallowed hard, trying to keep my voice steady. "I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing."

There was a brief silence before she spoke again. "I'm fine. Busy, as usual. Why are you calling so late?"

"I just... I miss you," I admitted, feeling a lump form in my throat. I never would have ever said that.

"Miss me?" she scoffed. "How are your classes going? Are you keeping up with your studies?"

I took a deep breath, knowing this conversation was about to get even more uncomfortable. "They're going okay, I guess. It's a lot of work, but I'm managing."

"Okay? Just okay?" she repeated, her tone dripping with disappointment. "You need to do better than okay, Erika. You need to be the best. Anything less is unacceptable. Do you understand that?"

"I know, mama," I said, my voice wavering. "I'm trying really hard."

"Trying isn't good enough," she retorted. "You need to excel. You have to be at the top of your class. Do you think 'trying' will get you anywhere in life? No. You have to be the best. You always had potential, but you've never fully applied yourself. It's time to stop wasting your talents."

Her words cut deep, and I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. "I'm doing my best, mama. I'm studying hard, doing all my assignments, and participating in class."

"Your best? That's a laugh," she said harshly. "If this is your best, it's pathetic. You should be aiming for straight A's, honors, and awards. Anything less is a failure. I didn't raise you to be mediocre."

"Mama, I'm really trying," I pleaded, feeling the weight of her expectations crushing me. "It's just a lot of pressure, and I don't want to disappoint you."

"Disappoint me?" she snapped. "You already are. You're not living up to your potential. You need to stop being so weak and start pushing yourself harder. You can't afford to be average, Erika. You need to stand out. You need to make me proud."

Her words hit me like a punch to the gut, and I felt my resolve crumbling. "I will, mama. I promise I'll do better."

"You better," she replied coldly. "Because right now, you're nothing but a disappointment. You need to prove to me that you're worth all the sacrifices I've made for you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, mama," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "I understand."

"Good," she said curtly. "Now get some rest and start thinking about how you're going to improve. I expect to hear about better grades next time we talk. Goodbye."

"Goodbye," I said, my heart aching as she hung up the phone.

I stared at the phone for a moment, feeling a mix of anger, sadness, and frustration. My mother's words echoed in my mind, her criticism cutting deeper than I wanted to admit.

I curled up under the covers, hugging myself tightly as I let the tears flow. The conversation had gone exactly as I feared, leaving me feeling more alone and worthless than before. Despite everything, a part of me still craved her approval, her love, but it seemed that would always be out of reach.

I don't cry often, but now it's like waterworks. I couldn't sleep. My mind was too loud.

In the quiet darkness, I couldn't help but think about Catherine. She was everything my mother wasn't, and for that, I was grateful. But the harsh words from my mother lingered, a painful reminder of the expectations I could never seem to meet.

I tossed and turned for an hour more before I finally contemplated going to sleep with Cat. I'm embarrassed, but maybe she can help.

I exit my bedroom door, tears still staining my eyes, and head over to her room which was right next to mine. The hallway was dimly lit, and I felt a mix of apprehension and hope as I approached her door. I hesitated for a moment before gently knocking.

When I didn't hear a response, I opened the door anyway. Cat was asleep. Her face still. She was so serene. Her brown eyes shut and her long eyelashes cast a shadow on her face.

Her hair, a beautiful blend of golden blonde with subtle highlights, framed her face perfectly, cascading over her pillow in soft waves. The elegant slope of her nose and her full lips, even in slumber, gave her an air of timeless beauty.

She had a statuesque build, tall and graceful, with an athletic yet feminine physique that hinted at strength beneath her soft exterior. Her skin was smooth and fair, with a hint of a natural glow that seemed to radiate even in the dim light of the room.

The sight of her lying there, so peaceful and composed, made me hesitate for a moment. She looked like a vision of calm, a stark contrast to the turmoil inside me. For a moment, I simply stood there, taking in the tranquility of the scene before me, finding comfort in her presence even while she slept.

Finally I built up courage to slightly shake her awake. She immediately awoke, "Oh my monkey, my baby what's wrong?" She looked up at me, concerned immediately washing over her face when she saw my tear-streaked cheeks.

"I... I can't sleep," I managed to choke out between sobs.

"Come here baby." Cat offered.

Without a word, I walked over and climbed into her bed, curling up against her side. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close. The warmth and comfort of her embrace made me feel safe, and I began to sob softly against her chest.

"Shhh, it's okay," Cat murmured, stroking my hair gently. "You're safe here, my little monkey."

Cat tightened her hold on me, her voice filled with tenderness. "Oh, sweetheart, what happened?" She stood and began to rock and sway me in her arms, as if she were calming down a hysteric baby.

I remained silent and still, Cat's unwavering support and affection were exactly what I needed. Yet I couldn't stop my silent sobs from cascading down my face. They couldn't be haunted, no matter how much Cat rubbed my back or stroked my hair.

After a few moments, Cat pulled back slightly and looked into my eyes, still seeing tears form and fall. Cat suddenly, yet gently started to zip down my pajamas. I would normally be angered by this, but at this moment, I trusted her completely. She took off her pajama top, and then she pulled me back into her arms, our bare skin touching. The warmth of her body against mine was incredibly soothing.

She layed back against the pillows, holding me close. I rested my head on her chest, listening to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat. Her hand continued to scratch my back ever so gently, and she murmured soft words of comfort.

"I'm here for you, Erika," Cat whispered. "Always. You are so loved, so valued. You can talk to me about anything."

I closed my eyes, letting her words wash over me. The combination of her gentle touch and the closeness of our skin made me feel safe and cherished in a way I had never experienced before.

Gradually, my tears subsided, and I felt myself beginning to relax. The weight of my mother's harsh words started to lift, replaced by the warmth and security of Cat's embrace.

As I drifted off to sleep, I clung to the feeling of being loved and accepted just as I was. For the first time in a long while, I felt at peace.

Before exhaustion completely took over me I whispered softly, "Goodnight Mommy," the word slipping out before I could stop it. It felt right, like I had been holding it back for far too long. I glanced up at Catherine. She looked shocked, but a good kid.

I snuggled closer, my head resting on her chest. "I love you." I whispered, feeling a sense of peace and comfort as I finally let myself accept the love she offered. With that, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, secure in her embrace.

"I love you more, my sweet girl." Was the last thing I heard before silence.

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thanks for the recs will be doing all of them!!

which pov is ur fav? i def have written more in erika's but i think i want to do more in catherine's.

song of the day:

not a lot, just forever by adrianne lenker

so vulnerable, so beautiful. the song is about how love is both immense and understated. the desire for pure connection

the quote that relates to this ch is "i could be a good mother"