Dr. Brandt: Chapter 26

Today, everything seemed to take a different turn. For the first time, I saw Cameron not only as Jacks’s surgeon but also as a dad. I’d already been fixated on how lovely it was for all of us to be here together, how natural it felt, and those feelings intensified when Cam sprang into action to help Jacks during his seizure during lunch.

I couldn’t get up from my seat fast enough to help Jacks when the episode started, but Cam—who was in mid-conversation about Jake’s yacht coming into the bay tonight—stopped everything and bolted around the table, catching my son before he could hit the floor. In the flawless art of not missing a thing, Cam was rolling Jacks onto his side, concealing him from people watching him convulse and gently talking him through it.

I saw past the doctor in Cameron at that moment. He was trained to help in these situations, but I saw that he did so this time with the compassion and concern of a father. There was no mistaking the difference, and I noticed it immediately because I’d been waiting for someone to treat Jackson with that tender consideration for his entire life.

A gust of icy wind blew up, bringing my attention back to Cameron’s soulful gaze.

“Don’t do this, Jessa,” he said, some frustration in his tone. “Don’t push me away.”

I shook my head. “I need to focus on Jacks and decide about this surgery,” I said, feeling my motherly instincts kick in to protect me from the reckless decision of rekindling a romance with the handsome doctor who could have any woman he wanted. “You need to get your thoughts away from trying to be in our lives for more than just Jackson’s surgery.”

I was harsh, but I had to be. Nothing about this walk on the beach had warranted conjuring a love that had fallen apart the day he left me. I could not get caught up after a simple trip to that aquarium, nor could I continue thinking about Cameron fitting the bill as Jackson’s father today.

It was a relief to have an epilepsy specialist be in our presence when Jackson went down, and it was wonderful to be in the presence of a man who didn’t let the seizure ruin his entire day. But that’s it. That’s all this was. No more and no less, and I wasn’t getting swept up in some fantasy land.

“Will you ever forgive me, or am I doomed forever for hurting you so badly?”

“That’s not what any of this is about. You know that.”

“No,” he snapped back, frustration rising in his face. He stepped away from me and ran his hand through his hair, searching the gray ocean for answers. “I’m sorry,” he said, his blue eyes filled with a sadness that I didn’t expect to see. “I know those are just words, and you need to see action for me to prove that, but you won’t let me in.”

“Don’t do this to yourself. We’ve been on different paths for years now. It’s all too much, you know, trying to bring back what we once had. We’re here so you can get a feel for Jackson’s personality and see if he’s mentally strong enough to overcome the aftereffects of this surgery, not to get caught up in feeling like you need us to be a family. It’s too heavy, and I won’t—I can’t,” I felt tears welling up in my eyes, accepting the truth of what I knew. “I just can’t live my life through the things that feel good for the moment. And you and I have always felt good, Cameron, but it’s a pipe dream. There are too many obstacles that I’m unwilling to jump to try and make it work. The idea of being in a relationship with you again—honestly, it exhausts me.”

Cameron folded his arms in front of him and continued to stare at the ocean, so I went on. I needed to make sure he understood that this wasn’t a situation where you could date your ex, rekindle the relationship, and if it worked, it worked. No. I had way too much on my plate as Jackson’s mother, and bringing Cameron Brandt back into my life romantically only for me to wonder if he was going to commit this time was not something I could do.

I couldn’t even begin to fathom how difficult life would be after Jackson’s surgery, and adding relationship issues wasn’t going to work. So I had to end this all before it got started.

“I know this sounds callous,” I said, “but you must see it from my point of view. I have a son with a medical condition, and a responsibility to focus on getting him better. I can’t get caught up in a fairytale, dating my ex in the hopes that my son will have the perfect father in his life—”

“Just stop, Jess.” He turned to face me, his face unreadable. “I get it. I fucked it all up. So, from this moment forward, I will honor your wishes and return my focus to assessing Jackson’s strengths and weaknesses. I’m sorry I caused you any unneeded stress.” He stepped back. “Believe me, it was never my intention.”

I felt Cameron’s disappointment, and it made me feel horrible, but it was better this happened now than after I’d fully opened my heart only to have it broken again.

I didn’t trust Cameron. How could I?

It was heartbreaking to watch him walk away and back to the house, especially after hearing the excitement in his voice of wanting to give it another try. And, as I watched him go, I was acutely aware of the ice wall I’d built around my heart to protect me from him. The warm side of me knew that I was just scared, but I didn’t know how to bridge the gap. All I knew was that I was utterly wrecked after he left me the last time, and I never wanted to feel that way again. Goddamn right, I was scared. I couldn’t function with that level of heartache ever again.

I turned away, unwilling to watch what could have been my future walking away from me, and I refocused my thoughts. My son was in bed at four in the afternoon, his day shot to hell after his seizure, and I had no business standing out here arguing about love declarations.

My responsibility was to Jackson first. It had been since the day the doctor placed that beautiful baby boy in my arms, and he locked eyes with mine.

Later that evening, the group had returned from their day in the bay, everyone in great spirits. After turning Cameron away and burying myself in the stress of everything I had to face in life, I just wanted to go to bed.

I had no desire to sit in the room where I could hear everyone enjoying the basketball game, especially Cameron and Jacks. I felt depressed and disdain for myself; I’d not only rejected a man’s love and affections, but now I’d been wallowing in my gloomy mood, alienating myself from having a pleasant time.

What are we even doing here? I mentally questioned myself, detached from everyone while I washed the dishes in the kitchen.

Actually, in the brilliant act of being in the most pathetic pity party of my life, I was re-washing the dishes, to be exact.

Tears started to fill my eyes for the hundredth time this afternoon, and I tried to keep my composure when I heard someone behind me.

“Hey, Jessa, you’re missing out on the Knicks being in the lead.” Avery laughed, “Jacks is schooling everyone in there, too, by the way.”

“He’s good at that,” I said with a laugh, keeping my eyes focused on the soap bubbles until I could dry up these sudden tears of frustration.

“What’s going on?” she questioned, and I could hear the concern in her voice.

“Nothing,” I sniffed. “Ugh.” I shook my head, frustrated that I couldn’t just knock this shit off.

“Here,” she said, pouring me a glass of wine, “this usually gets the tears flowing faster. Then, once it’s out of your system, you’re freed up to handle shit again.”

I grinned at her, grabbed the glass, and took a sip. “Don’t they call that self-medicating?”

She laughed and raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow, her blue eyes so piercing and beautiful, “I run a women’s home that deals with those types of things, and I can tell you that this isn’t self-medicating. Turning to booze to make the troubles disappear is where we draw the line.”

“Ladies?” Ash called, bouncing into the kitchen with the usual pep she always seemed to have in her step. “The kids are settled in, and it’s time we relax.”

“I didn’t realize the children went to bed so early,” I spoke. “It’s only seven.”

“I was referring to the gentlemen,” she teased. “Seriously, though, half the time, the kids are babysitting them and not the other way around.”

I softly laughed, feeling my gloomy mood lift a little, and I took another sip of wine. “I could see that.”

“You don’t want to,” Avery chuckled. “Come on. There’s a kick-ass balcony with full views of the ocean. We can talk shit while we’re up there, too.”

I followed the ladies, welcoming the chance to clear up my shitty mood.

“So,” Avery said as we sat in the white Adirondack chairs that matched the look of this uniquely crafted home, “what’s the deal with you and Cameron?”

She smiled at me, and her expression had such a caring and charming look that I could easily see she was rooting for us to make things work.

“No deal,” I smiled in return. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked out to the horizon. “I’m just grateful that he was willing to take Jacks on as a patient and go above and beyond to get to know him better by bringing us on this outing.” Avery casually rocked in her chair, watching me curiously. “And I appreciate all of you being cool with us intruding on Addison’s birthday trip. Sorry that it went south after lunch.”

Both women’s expressions hardened a bit. Was I being a bitch? I thought I got out all the bitchy behavior when I leveled Cameron with my icy rejection.

“First of all,” Avery said, the blunter and more uncensored of the two, “thank you for putting up with all of us.” She took another sip of wine and crossed her leg, “It’s wonderful to have you and Jacks here. I just hope it’s going okay for you. Cam mentioned a bit about the surgery, and I can see why he’d want a little one-on-one time with…your son.”

I smiled at her pause when she referred to Jacks as my son, not Cameron’s. I liked these ladies, and as I pulled out of my funk, I felt more relaxed and curious as to what Cam’s friends were told about our past.

“So, out of curiosity,” I started, “what has Cameron told you about our relationship and that Jackson is his son? I know you all know, and it’s certainly hard to miss with him looking so much like Cam.”

Ash smiled at me. “Cam mentioned that he knew instantly that Jacks was his. He saw his dad in him, actually.”

I had never thought about how much Jacks resembled Henry Brandt. I wonder if that was difficult for Cam, seeing his father, whom he loved so much in his son. It had been six years since Cam’s parents lost their lives in that plane crash, and Cameron must’ve still felt that pain. I couldn’t imagine all the grief he’d gone through alone by losing his parents so tragically, and I never knew.

Stop thinking negative thoughts for a change, I mentally ordered myself.

“He definitely has those striking blue Brandt eyes,” I said, knowing that was the damn truth.

Eyes that could bring the strongest girl to her knees with just a wink.

“He said that he was a fool to leave you. He regretted it every day afterward,” Avery finished.

“And that he’s a firm believer that fate brought you back together,” Ash added with a knowing grin. “So, don’t be surprised if the handsome young doctor tries to fix your heart and your son’s medical condition.”

“He’s a good man,” Avery said, her scratchy voice filled with sincerity. “I recall the first time I met him,” she laughed. “Please, don’t let this bother you. This story involves a rich lady he brought to some gala.”

I shook my head. “Not at all. He and I haven’t been a couple since before Jackson was born. I think most of my jealousy left when I started to move on from that relationship.”

Ash laughed. “Most of it, eh?” she eyed me. “I will say, always keep your heart guarded and make his ass work for you. That man is still deeply in love with you. I can see it on his face when he hears your voice from another room,” her eyes widened, and she laughed, “or how he watches you when you have no idea he is. I wouldn’t be surprised if he begs you back soon.”

Yeah, like this afternoon when I rejected his ass.

I ignored all the stuff my heart wanted to hear about Cameron being in love with me and went back to what Avery was saying. “What happened with the rich lady at the gala?” I asked and then laughed when Avery’s lips turned into a mischievous grin.

“I like how you’d rather hear the story about him suffering with another woman instead of the sweet, gushy stuff Ash was about to put out there.” She pointed her thumb at Ash and chuckled, “If there’s anyone who believes in the Universe and fate, it’s this cute little hippie right here.”

Ash rolled her eyes. “It’s all true. And yes,” she looked at me, “the Universe gave Cameron a good, karmic kick in the ass with the woman he boldly brought to that event.”

She covered her smile and closed her eyes, trying not to laugh at the memory.

“All right,” Avery said, sitting up in her chair as if to brace herself for this story. “So, we’re all in the whole black-tie wardrobe—dress like a billionaire, act like a billionaire ensemble, if you follow?” she said with a roll of her eyes and a smile that teased me into wanting to know what the hell went down between Cameron and this girl.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Okay. So, we’re all wearing designers and feeling super fancy, of course, but this chick is looking at us like we’re a couple of gold-digging street rats because, unlike her, we weren’t born into this billionaire lifestyle.”

“Her dad was Peter Benjamin. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, but he was a wealthy financier who lost everything when the market crashed,” Ash interjected. “Sorry, sorry. I interrupted. Go on.”

“Peter Benjamin?” I questioned. “That guy was thrown in a federal prison for fraud or whatever, right?”

“Right. Jim has some stories about that fucker, but that’s for a different day. Anyhoo,” Avery practically whistled, “this woman shows up with Cam, and he’s all giddy that he’s got this babe on his arm.”

Ash laughed and shook her head. “Little did he know, she’d taken a few bars of Xanax, along with something else, and after she downed her first glass of champagne, all bets were off.”

“The guys were sitting around talking, and that’s when this broad stands up on our table and begins to strip off her vintage Dior gown while singing Happy Birthday to Jim, whom she’d had a thing for since they were young.”

“Oh, shit,” I said.

These galas were something else to begin with, but in all the ones I’d attended when I’d dated Cam, I’d never seen such a thing. However, we’d attended those events at Cam’s father’s behest, and when Henry Brandt was in attendance, no one dared to fuck around.

“So, while she’s singing to Jim like she’s Marilyn Monroe on the President’s birthday, Cameron ditches all decorum and proceeds to pull her off the table,” Ash added. “Mind you, even Jake and Collin were stunned into silence, and they’re the biggest pranksters of all.”

“I could imagine how mortified Jim must’ve been,” I answered. “A stunt like that could’ve cost him his reputation in a room full of influential people like that.”

“Cam was horrified,” Avery continued, “and it took Collin and Jacob to calm his ass down and get him to show his face around us the next day. Poor guy couldn’t apologize enough for something he didn’t do.”

“His dad would’ve kicked his ass for embarrassing the family like that,” I said.

Ash laughed. “Those men are a bunch of kids, playing on the playground. They came up with some silly apology video and somehow made that thing funny as hell. Instead of being a bad mark on everyone at our table, it was good publicity for Mitchell and Associates.”

“What happened to the woman?” I asked.

“She pissed Cameron off so bad that I don’t think the name Gabriella Benjamin can come up in his company without the man turning fifty shades of pissed off,” Avery said. “All of that said, he’s alluded to how he’s never been fully happy in one of his flings or in the few relationships he’s had since he left you. Based on everything he’s said, he’s feeling a Jess and Jacks-sized hole in his life since reuniting with you.”

I exhaled and twisted my lips up. I believed Avery was telling the truth, but I wasn’t convinced that Cameron would be up for the job of committing to Jacks and me. I hadn’t seen this look Cam had for me that lit up the two women’s faces when they referred to it, either. Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention enough even to consider listening to what Cam had to say earlier.

I was attracted to him like a magnet, and I knew he was the love of my life too. But I also knew how it felt when he said he loved you above everything and then disconnected entirely to pursue something he deemed more important.

Fuck.

I’d felt like shit since I turned up my nose at the idea of giving him a second chance. In fact, this was the saddest I’d felt in years. Maybe this whole Universe thing was trying to get my attention, and my soul knew it was wrong to reject him.

I wasn’t going to dwell on those things right now, and I wasn’t going to keep this hard line in the sand that I’d drawn, forcing Cameron to stay on his side.

Perhaps I could let the ice wall thaw just a little and stay open. Avery and Ash seemed like two women who would’ve warned me off Cameron if he was still doing the new girl weekly thing. So maybe I would chill out a little and let Cam prove himself to me.

God, this better not be a mistake.