Dr. Brandt: Chapter 27

Jake’s yacht, Sea Angel, dropped anchor in Monterey Bay last night. The ladies and the kids all seemed very excited to know it was here this morning, and they wasted no time getting ready and gathering their things.

I was in charge of flying everyone to the yacht in the helicopter, something I’d been excited about doing since we got here. But sadly, nothing appealed to me at the moment.

As much as I enjoyed watching the game with Jacks, it felt bittersweet. I wanted so badly to connect meaningfully with my son, and I was struggling with how to do that after what Jessa said yesterday on the beach.

I had no idea how to get her back. The worst part was the aching, longing feeling inside. Even though she and I were physically near each other, it felt like she was a world away.

I didn’t want to wallow. Instead, I needed to get over myself, accept that I’d lost the best thing in my life by not cherishing it while I had it, and move forward.

So why couldn’t I? Why the fuck did I feel sick when I looked at her, knowing I could never have this woman again?

I hadn’t said much to anyone since waking up this morning at four and up to now as I landed the chopper, which was filled with the last half of the gang on the bow of Jake’s superyacht.

This goddamn boat was ridiculous, and if these floating five-star hotel walls could talk, we’d be entertained for days. I’d only been on this yacht a few times in the last three or four years, and even though I’d always enjoyed myself, I struggled to understand why these assholes felt the need to own such insanely opulent boats. They were like small fucking cruise ships.

“What the fuck is up with your mood this morning, man?” Collin asked after I shut down the helicopter and nodded toward the deckhands, prompting them to secure the chopper on the helipad.

“Nothing,” I said, knowing everyone assumed I was in a bad mood when I got quiet. This time, they wouldn’t be wrong. “All right. Let Jake know that once this bird is locked on deck, we’re good to pull anchor and check out whales or whatever the fuck we’re doing today.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Jake said, approaching where I’d just stepped out of the helicopter, “I’m right here, asshole. Tell me yourself.”

I rubbed my forehead. “Sorry, man.”

“Now, say what’s on your mind,” Jim said.

“I’m not talking about my personal shit,” I said. “Seriously.”

“Are you concerned about Jackson and the surgery?” Collin questioned, knowing that on the rare occasion I wasn’t in a light-hearted mood, it was because of a patient.

I wanted to lie and say yes.

“Nah, man,” I said, then forced a fake smile. “I just slept like shit last night.”

“Well, you flew that chopper like the dreamboat pilot you are,” Jake said, always acting like a dipshit to lighten the mood.”

“Totally dreamy,” Collin said, with the same dipshit humor as Jake’s.

“Why don’t you two idiots make sure the ladies and kids are settled while I help Cam finish up?” Jim said, casting them a knowing glance.

I remembered the days when I was as much of a fuck-off as these two, but those days seemed to slip away as soon as I saw Jessa again. Since then, I’d been struggling with the guilt of leaving her and beating myself up over letting her go.

I was dealing with all that fallout, and I hated it. I wanted to get the fuck off this vacation, walk back into my hospital, and bury myself in work to avoid seeing Jessa and Jackson until they decided on this surgery. Then, I could perform the operation, help Jackson during his recovery, and then we’d move on with our lives. It would be precisely what Jessa fucking wanted it to be; me as the surgeon, and that was it. What else could I do at this junction without detrimentally affecting my son?

“I’m finished here, man. You can go with the guys,” I said, looking around and wondering why Jim was hanging back.

“Seriously, dude. Are you okay? You don’t look right,” Jim said, tilting his head as if examining me.

Ah, shit. What was it about Jim? All he had to do was flash his goddamn CEO expression to make us all feel like we had no choice but to spill our guts. There was no use in playing coy. He was like a human lie detector.

“It’s Jessa,” I admitted. If there ever was someone to air out your problems to, Jim was the man. Might as well rip off the band-aid and get some advice, wanted or unwanted.

Jim’s emerald green eyes looked like jewels when he pulled off his aviators and smiled with a knowing grin.

“I know,” he said.

“And how would you know that?”

“If the problem were that you couldn’t perform surgery on the boy, you would’ve mentioned something about that this morning when you sat silently next to me, drinking your coffee.”

“So what makes you think Jessa has anything to do with it?” I asked, irritated this fucker could read all of us like books.

“Because neither one of you could so much as look in the other’s direction when she came in to get coffee for herself. And once she left, you looked like a boy who’d just lost his balloon.”

I turned to walk toward the door that admitted us into the staff corridors of the yacht.

Jim was one observant son of a bitch. That’s why he was so fucking successful in business. The man was forever reading the room and quietly observing things on a much deeper level than the rest of us.

“You know, one day, you’ll give yourself a day off and stop worrying about everyone who crosses a room that you’re in,” I said, smiling at a brunette waitress who was part of the staff.

“Good morning, gentlemen,” she said, holding a tray filled with different fruits and giant muffins. “Can I get you anything?”

“We’re all good. Thank you,” Jim said.

“I need to shake this fucking mood or get off the damn yacht,” I said. “I have no idea why I’m feeling like this.”

Jim smirked, “Let me guess. You tried to sneak into her room last night to get laid, and she nailed you in the balls before kicking you out. Am I close?”

“Ha, ha,” I said dryly, following the winding stairs to the next floor. “Finally, your ass is stumped. I should leave you to wonder as payback for being so observant.”

“Cam,” he said with a laugh I knew he tried to hold in, “what the hell happened? I’ve never seen you in such a shitty mood in all the years I’ve known you.”

“I fucked everything up,” I said in defeat. “I walked away from the only person I’ve ever loved, and now, here she is, back in my life as punishment. I can’t live like this.”

“Live like what? I’m confused.”

“See,” I opened my arms and widened my eyes, “I can’t even make sense of how I feel. I can’t fucking do this. If she doesn’t want me back, then fine, but Jesus.” I started walking through the grand atrium of this insanely beautiful yacht. “Shit,” I said, seeing that Jim was back where I left him, wondering what I was doing.

We were all lucky I successfully flew the helicopter here because, as of right now, my brain was shutting down on every level. I was consumed with the loss of this woman, and it was the most painful fucking thing I’d ever felt.

“Where are the damn stairs on this thing?” I asked, frustrated.

“Over here,” Jim said, punching the buttons on the wall with the side of his fist. “And you aren’t going anywhere near everyone else until we work this craziness out of you.”

“I’m heading to my room,” I said. “I need to calm down.”

“Yeah, your flushed cheeks clearly indicate that your blood pressure is about to pop a brain cell or two in that genius surgeon’s mind of yours. So let’s get a drink while Jake and Collin entertain everyone when the boat comes to pick them up for whale watching.”

“I’m fine, Jim,” I insisted. “I just need to do some push-ups or run the track on this yacht to get this shitty energy out of my system.”

“Good idea. The track is on the lower deck. I’ll meet you down there in ten,” he said after we stepped out of the elevator that led to the living quarters on the top section of this yacht. “Let me tell Avery, then you and I can work out our frustration together.”

“Frustration? You? You’re the calmest mother fucker on the planet.”

He chuckled. “Thanks for the compliment. See you down there.”

After Jim and I sprinted this massive ass yacht for nearly thirty minutes, I felt renewed after all that rotten energy was out of my system. Jim and I had gone to our rooms to shower before meeting up on one of the party decks. I grabbed a juicy chunk of watermelon and sat on a lounge chair while waiting for my friend.

“All good?” Jim questioned as he walked out, making his way to the bar across from me and ordering a drink. “Bourbon. Neat.”

“Much better.” I wiped off my hands and walked to the bar where Jim stood. “I’ll take a bourbon too.”

He sipped the amber liquid from his glass. “Since we’re technically on some form of vacation, it’s perfectly acceptable to have a drink at noon, right?”

I glanced at my watch, “Eleven-thirty, but I won’t say a word to the rest if you won’t.”

Jim chuckled, and we walked to a table that overlooked the back of the yacht. “I can’t understand my brother and that damn bar,” he said. “The idiot hires staff for table service and still has a bartender.” He glanced over his shoulder and waved off the young waitress approaching from out of nowhere, then he turned back and shook his head. “See what I mean? What the fuck? Why the bartender and bar if everyone is going to follow you around to wait on you hand and foot?”

“Ah, probably gives him a hard-on to have all the luxuries at his fingertips. Who knows, it’s fucking Jake,” I laughed.

Jim’s features lightened, taking another sip of his drink. “Good to have you back, buddy,” he said. “And listen, I get it. I do. I fucked shit up in the worst way possible with Avery when we were dating. I lost the best thing that’d ever walked into my world with her and Addy at the time, and I didn’t think I’d get her back.” He looked out at the ocean thoughtfully, “It takes challenges like these, though, to make you appreciate what you have when you get it back.”

“That’s the difference between you and me; you got the girl in the end. I messed this one up bad.”

“Oh, yeah?” Jim grinned. “Did you fire her and act like the biggest asshole she’d ever met, all while she had a kid to feed?”

“Well, you got me there. Jesus, you fired her?”

“Practically had her escorted out of the building by security because she lied on a resume. The worst part was that I knew she wasn’t the person I’d made her out to be.” He exhaled, and his features darkened, “I should’ve never been so harsh to her, yet I was. I was struggling with some serious demons at the time. I know it’s not an excuse, but that was why I put her in a position to be perfectly justified in never wanting to see my face again.”

“And what was the trick?” I asked, taking the bait on this story which I knew had a happy ending.

He raised his glass and pointed with his index finger toward the bar, “I reintroduced myself to her right over there at some party Jake was hosting on this yacht.” He looked back at me and smiled. “Got the girl back.”

“That was it?”

He shrugged, “Nah, but that was what reminded her about what an amazing fuck I was when we finished the conversation in my cabin.”

I laughed, “Well, if sex has anything to do with me getting Jessa back, then it looks like the story doesn’t end well for me.”

He frowned, “You suck in bed, huh? Fuck, if that’s the case, the story will never end well for you.”

“No, dipshit,” I said with a laugh. “I can’t even find a way to kiss the woman, much less fuck her. She seriously wants nothing to do with me. I hurt her pretty bad.”

“Don’t be hard on yourself. She was hurt, man. And she’s got a shitload of stuff with Jackson on her plate. You have to respect that. Give her time.”

“Yeah, well, fuck,” I said. I felt that dark loneliness creep up on me again. “How am I supposed to prove I won’t hurt her like that again? It was sixteen years ago.”

“I won’t sit here and tell you this will be easy. It seemed like it took me a damn lifetime to work through all my issues enough to attempt anything with Avery again. I did a lot of necessary work on myself.”

“But you guys weren’t broken up for sixteen years. She doesn’t even know the man that I am now. I’m certainly not the same fucking idiot she dated years ago who took off on a whim, you know?”

“You know the woman better than I do, so I can’t necessarily guide you in that area. But I can tell you that I know the feeling you’re weighted down with, and it made my ass physically ill. After watching her storm out of my office that day, I shut down and hid behind my job. I blamed it all on her, everything. At that point, I wasn’t good to anyone, especially myself. Seeing you earlier reminded me of myself. I was angry at everyone and everything, throwing a billionaire’s kid, spoiled brat fit.”

“The fuck I was,” I said, half joking, half serious. “My dad never let me get away with that shit. Of course, your father didn’t put up with that either.”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” he said as he shook his head. “We’ve lived most of our adult lives believing that the names Brandt and Mitchell owe us something like we deserve material things with no effort. That’s why we fucked women, no strings attached, and left them like they were inevitably always going to do whatever we wanted.”

“Do you think that’s what I did with Jessa?”

He shrugged. “How should I know, man? We weren’t good friends then,” he laughed. “But if you thought she’d be fine with you running off to pursue your dream, regardless of what she wanted, because your perfect life was owed to you, then yes.”

“Damn, you’re fucking good,” I said. “I work with therapists all day, and I would’ve never seen it that way.”

“I’m not that good,” he laughed and took another sip of his drink. “I told you, I lived it with Avery. I hadn’t treated her like the treasure she is because I’d always gotten what I wanted whenever I wanted it. When all you have to do is snap your fingers to get things, it makes you start to dehumanize people without realizing it.”

I exhaled, “I have no idea how to get her back. I don’t have the words. I have no idea what the fuck to say.”

“Whatever you do, don’t overthink it. She’ll be out of your life before you blink if you do. Hell, that ex-fiancé may come back, thinking he has all the right words, and kick you to the curb if you’re not careful.”

“Warren?” I rolled my eyes, “That idiot fucked shit up for good, I think.”

“Like I said, don’t think. You need to act. Follow your gut. If you feel a desire to talk or show her how you feel, do it. She wouldn’t be on this trip if she had no interest in you. I’m damn sure she doesn’t see your sexy ass as a good buddy, either.”

“The point of this trip is for me to come out of this with a sound opinion on Jacks,” I said.

“She could’ve stepped back and let the boy be observed in a more controlled environment.” He arched an eyebrow at me, “Trust me on this. Go where you’re being led, and know it won’t be easy. If you truly love this woman, you’ll have patience with her, and you won’t rush it. Respect the fact that you hurt her, and you may get hurt too.”

“I don’t know if I can handle this kind of fucking pain.”

“I’m sure she felt the same way when you left her,” he said. “And then she found out she was pregnant.”

“Shit.” My heart sank. I was acting like a little bitch. There was no way I could waltz back into Jessa’s life, thinking this second chance was owed to me. I was going about this wrong, and it all made more sense now.

“I heard a therapist once say that hurt people hurt people,” I said, staring down at my bourbon. “She’s going to hurt me, or I’m going to hurt her.”

“As I said, stop fucking thinking. If you think about all the ways to go about this, you’ll miss this door while it’s open. Appreciate the opportunity to be in each other’s lives again. Let the past stay where it fucking belongs, in the past. Move from there, and you’ll be fine. Be the boy’s doctor; until she permits you to be more to her, be her friend. Don’t be the ex, and don’t you dare try to make a cheap move and be her man.”

“Cheap move?”

“Yes, it’s cheap because you’re asking her to trust you the way we entitled assholes think we deserve. Getting another shot isn’t owed to you because you were careless the first time. She’s a human being who trusted you with her heart once already. Jessa has every right to reject you from now until forever for what you’ve done, so ease up.” Jim laughed. “Trust me. I’ve been where you’re at, and I know that void you’re feeling.”

“Funny, I hadn’t felt this void until yesterday. I was fucking content until now.”

Jim grinned, “It’s because your sorry ass figured out that everything is meaningless without love.” He stood when a staff member approached. “At least you’ve discovered that you have a fucking heart.”

My eyebrows rose as I sighed. I thought becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon was fucking hard, but I had a feeling that if I wanted Jessa’s heart back, it would take patience and time. Lucky for me, patience was my middle name.

“They’re arriving, sir. Lunch will be served inside due to the storm heading our way. The captain said the ship will be fine where we’re anchored in this part of the bay if you or Dr. Mitchell would like to remain aboard.”

“I’ll speak with Dr. Mitchell and the rest of the group. If we aren’t looking at rough seas in the bay, I believe the plans were to stay aboard for the night,” Jim answered and turned to me. “You good with that?”

“I’ll see what Jessa wants to do.”

I didn’t know how to approach Jessa after what Jim had said to me. His words sank in, but they also put me into a bit of a tailspin. Had I been treating people like a revolving door my whole life, taking everyone for granted? I’m not sure I wanted the answer to that question.