Dr. Brandt: Chapter 46

I glanced down at my watch, and even though it was nice to see the girls and visit them for the last half hour or so, this whole thing was starting to feel weird.

First, it was Jacks and his crappy mood when I didn’t accept Bree and Nat’s invitation to come here. Then, after I returned to the house to talk to him, he was adamant about having some guy time with Warren, of all people. Then, finally, as if my son’s odd behavior wasn’t strange enough, Elena calls and insists I come to the house because she’s worried about me.

I bought into that one a little bit because, in truth, I was a little worried about myself. I’d been hiding behind Warren’s business trousers instead of owning my shit as a strong woman would. Mom and Dad’s visit didn’t help me in that department, either. They only reassured me that I was weak without a strong man in my life.

They were horrible when it came to Cameron too. Almost embarrassing. Talking shit behind his back, and when they knew he was coming over to see Jacks and help rehabilitate him, they left the room. They made that shit obvious, too. Obvious that they had zero backbone and zero support for Jacks unless it went their way.

It’s how my parents always were, though, and why I had no intention of moving back to Washington for their support. They still treated me like I was the reckless girl from college, and if I didn’t do what they felt was suitable for me in my life, they ignored me.

They were next to impossible to get along with, yet somehow, I always managed to deal with them when they popped in and out of my life like this.

Why are you thinking about them? I thought, pacing the floor of this room, which had a spectacular view of Los Angeles. Why are you even here? Because Jacks said it was good for me to get out? What is with that boy anyway? I know this is about Cameron.

“Jessa?” Cam said. I whirled around, and my breath caught when I saw this man looking so damn attractive in a tight black shirt and blue jeans.

“Wow, you clean up nicely,” I tried to tease, but I knew that comment was as stupid as it sounded.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” He held his arms out, his biceps stretching the hem of his shirt, and my feminine parts sprang back to life with a zing I almost forgot about. “Especially after the only thing you’ve seen me wear over the past month are scrubs.”

“Meh,” I placed my hands on my hips and teased him with a smile, “you look pretty good in those too, Doc.”

He smiled and pointed his thumb over his shoulder, “Avery caught me upstairs and mentioned something about you wanting to talk to me?”

I frowned. “I did?” I questioned.

“I have no idea. I’m just repeating what she said.”

“Interesting,” I stared past him at the open entryway. “The girls invited me over, Jacks insisted that he wanted to hang with Warren, and that was after acting like I was the worst mom in the world for turning down the invitation to come over tonight—” I paused, seeing Cam frown, most likely in response to my comment about Jacks wanting to be with Warren. “No, something’s up,” I said. “Jacks can’t stand Warren, and the only thing he’s been excited about since leaving the hospital are the days when you come over. So, I’m not sure what’s going on.” I pointed at Cameron, “Did you and Jacks set this all up? I mean, the girls invited me over, but after only thirty minutes, Elena told Avery to get the kids, and then the next thing I know, I’m being told you want to talk to me, so they all took off. But not before Nat gave me some pointers on make-up sex.”

Cameron unexpectedly arched his eyebrow and folded his arms, “Make-up sex, huh?”

I rolled my eyes, something I’d been doing a lot lately. “Don’t get too excited. It’s Nat, and in the hour total that I’ve known the woman, I’ve learned that anything sex-related is not off limits to that woman,” I laughed.

“No, absolutely nothing sexual or otherwise can frighten or embarrass that woman.”

“Oh?” I studied his flushed cheeks and laughed. It had to have been the look of exhaustion and annoyance in his eyes.

“No,” he instantly shot back, “not like that. I’ve never been with Nat like that. It’s just that—”

Now I was a bit concerned because Cameron was falling over his words too much, and Natalia was every woman’s envy of a natural goddess. Her unshakable confidence was the icing on the cake. The woman was a unique personality, to be sure, but she was also sincerely a fun, likable woman.

“Cameron, we’re broken up, and Nat is like every man’s dream. It’s okay if you—”

“I didn’t, and no, it’s not okay, and it would not be okay if I were with another woman. Aside from being focused on Jacks and his recovery, I gave my heart to you and only you. I don’t just take that shit back.”

Fuck, that escalated quickly.

“Cameron, I know it seems like that’s what I did, but—”

“Isn’t it, though, Jess? Isn’t that what you did by shutting down on me, as if we had nothing, and jumping back into the arms of the man who made you feel safe?”

If I hadn’t had these last thirty minutes or so with Elena for her to open my brain up and pull out some trauma issues I’d been dealing with in all my past relationships, then I wouldn’t have known how to answer Cameron.

I crossed the room and took his hand, leading him to the sofa. Once we sat, I twisted and hugged him. I felt tears in my eyes as I inhaled Cameron’s robust scent. I’d missed it terribly.

“I love you more than words, Jessa,” he said, his lips gently pressing into my neck while his sturdy arms pulled me tightly into him. “I miss you. I’m sorry this happened to us, and I lost you to him.”

I pulled back. “No,” I shook my head and locked eyes with his sapphire blue ones, “you didn’t lose me to him, Cameron.” I ran my hand along the dark scruff on his face, “You lost me to my fears and the need to heal from the pain in my past.”

He looked at me with a confused smile. “You sound like you’ve been talking to Elena,” he said.

“How would you know?” I chuckled.

“The whole lost to fears and healing from pain and past issues. That has Dr. Elena Brooks written all over it.”

I grinned, “It’s the truth, though. Thank God I did talk to her because if I hadn’t, I’d probably be wearing my engagement ring again, playing the victim and living comfortably miserable for the rest of my life.”

“I could see any woman being miserable with that dick,” he said, and I silenced him with a smile, placing a finger over his perfect lips.

“I know,” I said. “However, that’s all Warren has ever been to me, really. He’s someone who took care of Jacks and me when I knew I couldn’t have you. When you left me in college, it only messed me up so badly because I dealt with shit like that from my parents.” I exhaled, still shocked that Elena had pulled this shit out of my head so quickly. No wonder St. John’s hired her as their top neuropsychologist. The woman was practically a soul-reader or something.

“In the home where I grew up, I was made to understand that my feelings weren’t valid. When my parents wanted me to do something, I had to do it no matter how it made me feel. There were times when I rebelled against that but going against their rule meant being cut off from them for years.”

“You’ve never said a bad thing about your parents, Jessa. But then again, you never really talked about them at all.”

“I know, it was best not to bring them up because if I did, I would get upset or anxious. The one time I stood up to them was when I got pregnant with Jacks. I thought I could go to them for advice, for help.”

“And?”

“And they told me I needed to contact you, hold you accountable, and not let you off so easily by letting you dump me to pursue your dreams. They insisted that you and your parents had money, and long story short, they thought I should make you suffer for getting me pregnant, not them.”

“Jesus,” he said, reaching down to hold my fidgeting hands.

“This made much more sense when Elena pulled it out of my head, so bear with me.”

“I’m just sorry I put you in a position to be told that by your parents. I feel like the biggest piece of shit alive over that.”

“Speaking of apologies, that’s probably why all I’ve done since you’ve seen me again is apologize for things. Not only did my parents make me feel ashamed about my actions, but Warren jumped in there and picked up where they took off. I’ve always felt responsible for everyone’s feelings and comfort, but not my own. People-pleasing was all I knew. So, when you got me out and kept me out of that zone, taking me on trips and pampering me, that was foreign to me. It felt wrong,” I felt my voice lower. It was so weird how things that had happened in my life affected me so profoundly, and I never saw that it was unhealthy. “I felt guilty for being with you because everything was about me.”

“It’ll always be about you, Jessa. You’re my lady, and—”

“I’m going to lose my train of thought,” I laughed and cut him off. “When you made life about what I wanted, it felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, but deep down, there was guilt. And when Jacks got into trouble, and I wasn’t there because I was doing something for me, all those buried guilty feelings exploded to the surface. I freaked, and in my mind, I believed Warren was the one who could make me feel right about dealing with Jacks and the medical issues. In my mind, Warren was responsible because he didn’t put me first. He put himself and his accomplishments first, making me believe that was a healthy way to live. In reality, Warren was putting work first for himself, and I was expected to respect that and appreciate that because work bankrolled a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and medical care for my son. There was no love. There was no happiness. It was a very lonely relationship, and strangely enough, I was comfortable being lonely like that.”

“Shit, Jessa.”

“All that said to say this,” I turned my hands to hold his. “I was scared, Cameron. I wasn’t raised in an environment where I had my voice heard or my feelings validated. All I’ve ever known to do was to make everyone else happy but me. I’m happy when they’re happy if that makes sense.”

“Makes perfect sense, beautiful,” he said. “You were afraid of making me unhappy if you told me about the pregnancy because it would interfere with my career.”

“I would’ve ruined your life, Cam. We both know you would not have been the surgeon you are today.” I rubbed my forehead, “Can you imagine where all those children would be, especially our son if I would’ve told you that I was pregnant? And what if—”

“No more what if’s, Jessa. People have worried themselves into early graves over the statement what if. I’ve missed too much of my son’s life and nearly lost you again because of it too.” He repositioned himself to face me better. “I know I placed you in a position to question everything, but you aren’t responsible for my feelings or reactions. I hate that you felt responsible for all of that.”

“Well, I did become estranged from my parents for about four years because of it,” I laughed. “And it made me think I’d found love with Warren, but it’s not just all that. It’s my baggage, my damage, and I just need to start owning it now instead of casting blame or trying to please everyone but myself by doing what they want instead of what I want.”

“Is that why you’re still with Warren?”

“It’s why I have to move on from Warren,” I said. “I need to take this time to heal. To heal alone, and to heal with our son.”

His once hopeful expression grew somber. “Somehow, I was hoping all these revelations would bring you back to me.”

I felt tears in my eyes again. “Cam, you don’t want me like this. Trust me. I’m damaged, seriously, and I’m not just saying that. I will hurt you, if not now, then later. Something else will come up, and I will blame myself for trusting you when you put me first and loved me the right way. I must face things and learn to be strong on my own. The very fact that I ran back to Warren when the storm hit me full blast is enough to tell me that I would do it again. And it’s not because I don’t love you; it’s because I don’t really love me.”

“I don’t agree with that,” he said.

“I didn’t want to either, but it makes too much sense not to be true. How can I honestly say I love myself when I allow other people’s happiness to overrule my own? That’s not self-love, and even now, when I see this look of sadness on your face, I feel responsible for it. And knowing that I’ll hurt you until I’m healed makes me want to take back everything I just said so that I can end your suffering.”

I didn’t know if what I was saying made sense. It made sense when Elena pulled it all out of my head, though. She laid it all out like a puzzle, and I needed to put the pieces back together again. I had to stop living like this even though I knew no other way, especially because I knew no other way.

Even now, it was killing me that Cam wanted me back, and as much I wanted to be with him too, I knew I needed time to figure out how I would start putting myself first.

“Hurt people, hurt people,” Cameron said. Then, as if a light had been flipped on, he looked at me with a smile. “I will support any decision you make, but know this, Jessica Stein: if you plan to stay single for the rest of your life, then I’m going to be the old bachelor living in the single-wide trailer across the street, hitting on you while you prune your rose bushes every day.”

“I never said I wanted to be single for the rest of my life,” I answered with a laugh. “And even if I am, I can’t imagine my billionaire-ex living in a single-wide trailer across the street.”

“Oh, you’d be shocked at how us crazy-rich people roll,” he laughed. “We go incognito all the time. Besides, those trailers can be very nice.”

I patted his hand and rose. “Thank you,” I said, hugging him after he stood with me, “for understanding.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I’m doing my best to understand, which means I’ll be kicking Collin’s ass for allowing his wife to pull my girl farther away from me,” I felt him laugh as I pulled away.

“Cam, this isn’t her fault.”

“Jessa,” he said as he smiled down at me, “I know it’s not her fault, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to give her hell for it. However,” he arched his eyebrow and smiled at me, “I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. When you’re ready, and I pray to God that it will be soon, I’m ready to show you the love I know you deserve. I just wish I could help you on this journey.”

“You’re helping me by being understanding. I need to see my potential, doing things for our son and me without leaning on anyone else. I just need to figure shit out on my own.”

“And Jacks?”

“If you have days that you’re not at the hospital and want him to be with you, then I know nothing would make him happier.”

“And Warren?”

“He’ll be more difficult than you’re being, that’s for sure. But I’m positive he’ll move back to New York.”

“Jessa, if you don’t have a place to live—”

“I’ll figure this out, Cam,” I said. “This is all part of the healing journey so I can be the best version of myself and have a promising future for a solid, equal relationship.”

“I understand. As I said, I’m here for anything you need. I love you for putting yourself first, even if it means kicking me in the balls.”

I felt him laugh, but I hugged him tighter. I was scared shitless. I didn’t want to lose Cam, but I knew now why I pushed him away and ran back to Warren as I had. Things in my childhood and previous relationships made me nearly marry a man I’d be miserable with just to say I had a hero.

Now, I was almost thirty-eight years old, and I had no direction. All I knew to do was to take care of Jacks, and up until recently, be a support system to Warren. How would I ever take these first steps? I didn’t know where to start, but I hoped it would come to me.