Audacity: Chapter 53

It’s with fire in my belly that I drive up to my parents’ for Sunday lunch. Let it never be said that my mother will let her moral outrage get in the way of an opportunity to feed up her children.

As I head out of London, I muse about something Max said towards the end of last night. I asked him if he’d ever thought about backing away from Dex so as to save him from having to tear his family apart. Max stared at me as if I’d lost the plot.

‘Christ, no. Not for a single second. I needed to save him from his family—and from himself.’

It makes me wonder why Athena’s been so quick to put distance between us, and all I can conclude is that it’s some combination of self-protection—the nature with which our secret was revealed and my family’s reaction cut her to the core, after all—and a horror of being the person who diverted me further from my journey to find grace and purpose.

After all, she knows I’ve struggled with both. She knows my life choices, from leaving the priesthood to hiring her—have sat uneasily with me at times. She jokes about my “goodness”. In her mind, she seems to have cast herself as Mary Magdalene, and it’s as if the fact of seeing herself through my family’s eyes has confirmed her worst fears about herself.

The Athena I know, the Athena Max and Anton know, is fearless. Fierce. It makes me wonder if she’s willing to walk away because she doesn’t think I can handle it if she stakes her claim on me.

It’s about time I show her—and my family—that I can.

Max’s other indictment rings in my ears now.

Athena’s not weak. She doesn’t need you to protect her. But in this moment, she bloody well needs you to fight for her. So stop trying to be noble and keep everyone happy, and fight for what you know to be right.

He’s quite right.

She’s not weak.

She doesn’t need my protection, nor should she feel like I need hers.

But what she does need in this moment, and what I can damn well provide, is vindication.

I intend to procure this position for her because she’s earned it. No more, no less. The vision for the foundation as it stands currently is all hers. It’s a sacrilege to think she should have to hand the reins of that beautiful vision over to someone else.

Anton was spot-on, too, when he talked about the importance of recognising the right times to step into one’s power.

This is one of those times.

If I’m truly honest, I have yet to fully step into my power since taking up this position. I’ve said it a million times to Athena, but I’m still thinking small. I’m thinking parochially when I shouldn’t be afraid to think like a man who has the stewardship of billions of pounds.

I’m still the caretaker, the appeaser. I tend to my flock, I look outwards, but my flock will soon comprise thousands upon thousands of people, and I need to learn to advocate for them fiercely and unashamedly.

As fiercely and unashamedly as Athena approaches everything she does.

I tell myself that my quick pre-lunch trip to the driving range with my brother is born less out of cowardice and more from a strategic desire to get his take before I face the Spanish Inquisition in the form of a Sullivan Sunday lunch. Catholic attitudes to those who “stray” may be less unthinkably cruel these days, but they’re still pretty fucking terrifying when you’re the so-called transgressor.

Maeve Bernadette Sullivan could have taken Ximinez de Cisneros on as Inquisitor General any day of the week.

Bren greets me in the clubhouse with a bro hug, but that’s the only sympathy I get. Instead, he turns his wicked grin on me as we walk to the bay we’ll share and shakes his head. ‘You dirty, dirty bastard. How the fuck did you pull that off?’

‘Well, clearly I didn’t, did I?’

‘You pulled it off for long enough. What, four months? How the hell did it come about?’

I sigh and look around to make sure I don’t recognise anyone. If I shock any of the neighbours, Mum’ll have it in for me even more.

‘She’s from an agency called Seraph. Anton owns it. I can’t say much more, but their thing is “full service” EAs. They’re all amazing women, apparently.’

‘You don’t say. And what made you decide you needed to get in on that when you had Alchemy? It wasn’t like you didn’t have sex on tap already.’

We find our bay. I stand my golf bag up and select my driver, pulling off its cover. ‘I was making up for lost time,’ I say drily, ‘and I was burning the candle too heavily. After the cleaners found me passed out in one of the rooms, I thought I’d go for a more effective solution.’

He’s shaking his head again, like he doesn’t even recognise me. He bends and empties out our bucket of balls. ‘So all that time you were fucking her, even when you were being all pious at the RA.’

I grimace. ‘Guilty.’

‘Well, Jesus, mate, I don’t blame you. I mean, look at her⁠—’

‘Careful.’

He stands and holds his hands up. ‘Look. I’m just feeling a bit stupid, that’s all. My holier-than-thou brother gets himself an Alchemy membership and then comes by a hooker so he can get his dick wet whenever he fancies at work, and I’m still picking up women in bars like a total muppet.’

‘You said it. Honestly, I thought you’d be more enterprising.’ I drop my grin. ‘But seriously, please do me a solid and don’t judge her on that one thing. It’s so reductive. She’s quite simply the most impressive woman I’ve ever met, and her having found a way to punch right through the glass ceiling makes her more impressive from where I’m standing.’

He nods soberly. ‘It’s alright, mate. There’s nothing I don’t agree with there. I don’t suppose her mate Marlowe works for the same place? Because that would solve a lot of problems for me.’

That gets a laugh out of me. ‘You fucking wish. Anyway, you ruined your chances there when you got all tongue-tied, didn’t you?’

His mouth is a grim line. ‘Don’t remind me. Do you think Athena could put in a good word for me with her?’

Instantly, I see my opening. ‘That depends on whether you come through for Athena, doesn’t it? Now move back.’

I give my ball a good whack and watch in gratification as it sails cleanly through the blue sky. As it lands in the distance, I step back so Bren can line up his shot.

‘If you think I wouldn’t come through for you anyway, your opinion of me is even lower than I thought.’ He turns and looks out at the driving range, then back down at his ball. I wait as he practices his swing and then takes his hit. Nice.

‘You agree she’s the best person to run the foundation?’ I press.

‘Jesus, of course I do. She wiped the floor with Eleanor that time. She’s a fucking shark, and that’s precisely what we need.’

‘I agree. What does Mairead think?’ I’m a big coward, so let’s start this conversation with the most rational family member.

He snorts. ‘What do you think she thinks? She’s with me. She thinks sex is just an animalistic act and Mum and Dad are overreacting. Besides, she loves Athena.’

‘Good.’ That’s what I thought. I screw my face up before I ask, ‘And Mum and Dad?’

‘Well, if you’d had the balls to actually read any of your messages on the family chat you’d know precisely what they think, you spineless tool.’

‘Fair. How bad is it?’

I muted the family WhatsApp chat on my way home from the gala on Thursday and haven’t dared look at it since. I didn’t want my thought process—or my attempts to make things right—being coloured by any parental hysteria.

‘Heavy on the slut-shaming from Mum and occasional belligerent outbursts from Dad. You know how he gets. Though I have to say’—he breaks off to chuckle—‘she did ask you on the chat if Athena had “gone down that path” because she had a whole gaggle of illegitimate children and desperately needed funds. I was like, “Mum, this isn’t Les Mis. A woman is allowed to make choices like this because she wants to, not just out of necessity”.’

‘Jesus. I have to say it’d be disappointing if she had a gaggle of children.’

‘Because you want to put all the babies in her, right?’

I glare at him to conceal how badly I do in fact want to put all the babies inside Athena.

‘I’m not sure she’ll give me the chance. She’s totally retreated. It’s killing me.’

‘I don’t blame her. Fucking Harrington disrespecting her like that. He’s a fucking disgrace. I’m going to see about getting him kicked off the board. I’m pretty sure there’s a morality clause in his contract.’

‘Good.’

‘Is she going to follow up on her threat of legal action?’

‘Damn right. Seraph is on the case—she’ll take him to the cleaners.’

He nods his approval. ‘Like I said, you can’t blame her. She’s out there living her life and clearly excelling at everything she does. We were all so impressed by her. Now she has Harrington’s misogynistic bullshit to deal with and probably slut-shaming from all directions. It’s fucking horrible. No wonder she’s put her walls up.’

I chew on the inside of my cheek as I contemplate my next shot.

‘No wonder, indeed. Which is why I have to get this position back on the table for her. It’s the only way.’