Chapter Fifteen

Ivan said patience.

Patience.

Well, no. He didn't say it, but he hinted at it. If...Riyaan is any good at hints.

But the onset of autumn is the dreamiest season. Although the heat waves haven't stopped being harsh. Days like these make him want to ditch his job, sit by the window, paint, and make mistakes, rushed mistakes, like asking Ivan, 'Ivan, do you wanna go out for dinner someplace today? It's a really beautiful day.'

Ivan is working from home today and Riyaan gets to take a day off. This means they can have sex in the most odd hours, like today, right after breakfast. He is now busy exploring Ivan's stubble in his neck with his toes. In Ivan's world, it's called disturbing and annoying him while working.

'No.'

'Why?' Riyaan asks. He knows why. But he still asks because the new camaraderie they share now requires a better reason. He believes that.

'Already told you why.' Ivan swats his feet aside. 'I'll eat your leg raw if you continue doing that, and make you watch me do that.'

'Eww.'

Ivan starts putting on his clothes back. 'Something came up. Someone messed up. Need to go to work for a bit.'

'What about my foot massage? It's your turn.'

'Later.'

His scowl comes back, uninvited.

'What's that?' He is learning, slowly, that his scowl gets him undivided and sincere attention from Ivan.

'You think after all this, getting dinner in a restaurant together will change how you see me or want to see me? I practically live with you all day, all night.'

Ivan draws a long sigh. And Riyaan immediately knows that he shouldn't have. He should have just...been patient. Patience should be his new mantra.

'It's not about that. It's for you to not get confused. And it's for me to separate myself from what's important and what's pleasure,' Ivan says, putting his shoes on. Once done, he looks back at Riyaan.

Something about Ivan being dressed fully, while he is almost naked makes him feel small, bare, open and all vulnerable. He feels how he lays everything so open for Ivan to find and see him, truly see him, but Ivan never sees him. 'See you, bye.'

'Bye.' Riyaan's voice is small and unsure.

*                *             *

Riyaan should have planned his day better. When Ivan decides to work from home, he tries to get an off day. It's because the idea of Ivan being home makes him lazy. Also, because leisure times with Ivan are the best times. This is probably why, despite Kris being so mad at him for hardly ever showing his face anymore, he finds no time for it. But maybe today is the day Kris is getting lucky.

He shoots a text to Kris, a pang of guilt lingering. If Ivan wouldn't have left for work, he would never have remembered to meet Kris.

Riyaan: wanna meet?

Kris: Come to home?

Riyaan: no, elsewhere. I need to get new shoes, let's go shopping.

Kris: 20 minutes.

His phone rings in his hand. Ivan calling.

'Hey, you are studying?'

'I was,' he says, getting into his clothes.

'Earlier..,' Ivan starts. 'I didn't mean to say you are unimportant. You are.'

'Sure.'

'Riyaan, you are. It's just that... Listen. I went through a lot of mess in my life. When we first talked about this, I said that I did not want more with you. But maybe I do not, should not want more in general. Not just with you. What you want, I cannot give you that. So I won't even try, and it's best for both of us to not get involved in more than what we are already in.'

'Thank you for knowing what's best for me.'

Ivan laughs. 'That's one of your witty sarcasm, right?'

'Maybe.' Riyaan doesn't want to talk to him at the moment, but he will entertain. He always has.

'I have said so much. Do you want to say something too?'

'What do you want me to say? You haven't even given me a chance?'

'A chance? You're dying for a chance because it's first for you. You have never been there. You're dying to get a taste of it — you don't know how it feels. But I do. How does that make sense for me to give you a chance and let you go if it won't work out?'

'I meant, a chance...to speak.'

'Ah, right.'

Is that what Ivan scared of? Their not working out, breaking up, and having to let him go? Ivan thinks that's possible, with Riyaan — considering he has practically been without family forever, without counting his buddies at orphanage, and their caretakers. They are family, but not the kind he wishes for.

'Ivan, you wouldn't have to let me go. Ever. If you are already so hopeless before getting into something, you're not putting enough effort. And that relationship wouldn't end up very good.'

'I have put effort, many times. With hope. Again. And again. It's just that yours is an unlucky number.'

'How many?'

'What?'

'How many before me?'

'Let's not get into that now.'

'Now. Yes, now.'

'I am working.'

'But you called. Please. Now.'

'We will continue this, I promise. But I must go now.'

'Okay.' Only because Kris will be calling soon.

*                     *                     *

'I miss playing with you,' Kris says, while Riyaan is trying out new shoes in the store.

'My work and studies take up a lot of my time. But I'll come.'

'So..?'

'So?'

'I had a feeling you know? About you and Ivan. I'm still trying to entertain the idea that Ivan asked you to stay with him. Don't get me wrong. I'm happiest here. It's Preet who told me that Ivan is very committed to someone — and I believed it.'

Riyaan ended up sharing about Ivan thing with Kris. It felt so unfair before, but the reason that compelled him most was what if he learns by accident?

'It's his ex. They had some promise or something.'

'But that's over now, right?'

'It's not, it's casual between us. Ivan wants it that way,' he says, absentmindedly looking at his new shoes.

Kris takes a long sigh. He sits next to him, looking at the people entering and exiting the store. 'You could have just used Tinder if that's what you wanted.'

'I didn't want casual.'

'So, he lied to you?'

'What, no. It was clear between us, from day zero.'

'Okay, so you agreed to casual? You're so confusing.'

'I...agreed to him. It's just... felt nice that he asked me. Also, he said it's better with someone you know than strangers.'

'In a way. But, I still don't understand why Ivan would offer something like that. Ivan is..the kind that gets attached. As much as Preet told me, he was really serious about his ex. He waited patiently, and just never wanted to focus on anything other than his business and work.'

Ivan is the kind that gets attached?

He wouldn't have believed it if not for the call before the shopping today.

'Really, but he stopped me from asking questions about his ex any longer. I'm in the dark, I know less than you.' It's getting depressing. He is just a casual sex partner, but the shopping, cooking for him, living in his room and sleeping in his bed, it is indeed confusing him. Ivan should have done better than just denying for dinner or lunch dates.

'I think the last time they had a major argument, Ivan got irritable at work too.'

Anything that hints at the end of Ivan's relationship with his ex makes Riyaan excited to listen. His heart starts beating fast, with anticipation of what else Kris might say. Or with fear that Kris might stop saying. He cannot dig details without pretending that he doesn't care about Ivan's personal romantic life. Doing that is giving away that he is taking it more seriously than Ivan, and that's — he is realising now — is pathetic.

'Ivan gets irritable too?'

He gets busy, yes. Sometimes Riyaan annoys him purposely, but Ivan indulges him. Riyaan knows for a fact that Ivan enjoys his company. The only time he remembers Ivan being ...stressed was the day when Riyaan spent all day wondering what was bothering him, and waited for his text the day before —

'When was this?' Riyaan asks, wearily. Not wanting Kris to answer.

'That day at our house, well, Preet's. When I downloaded Tinder for you and asked him what he thinks. Preet told me later that it wasn't the best day to tease him.'

That day.

That's the day.

Riyaan doesn't know how to feel. Was he a rash decision after Ivan got mad at his ex? It wasn't about him at all, Ivan didn't like him — he was just desperate for a rebound. As he lets the conclusion sink in, his mood is reflected on his face. Kris has stopped talking, and the rest of the shopping is ruined.

When he comes back, he is surprised to find Ivan back so early. And angry ... because he feels like it.

'Where were you?' Ivan asks, picking some cherry tomatoes from the plant. His voice is soft, welcoming, and warm. For some reason, it makes him think of how they ended the call this morning.

He takes off his helmet and walks inside, behind him footsteps follow.

'Why?' Riyaan's voice dead, and cold. It's okay, Ivan won't be hurt by a rebound.

'You are okay?'

'Yes.'

'Listen. I will make it up to you.'

'You don't have to.'

'Yes. I do.'

'Alright'

Now they are looking at each other.

'Alright,' Ivan repeats.

'I want to sleep in the other room today. Actually, for a few days,' Riyaan says, mustering all the courage to prepare for the expression on Ivan's face.

'Oh?'

'Yes.'

'Everything is alright?'

'Already told you. Yes.'

*                *               *

Riyaan drops on the big cold bed in a smaller room — the last time he slept here was when Ivan made him sleep alone as a punishment, in jest. It lasted two days.

He thrashes his body, thinking of the events of the day, and how to not be upset. And then his phone chimes.

Ivan: I have upset you in some way?

Rebound, rebound, rebound.

That's all his mind keeps saying to him. Technically, he shouldn't even think about why Ivan has sought a casual relationship. It's his life. For the first time today, Ivan has opened up to him about his relationships, and for a time, it felt to him like they were going somewhere, a next step — even if that doesn't mean ending up kissing Ivan like he has the right to. But the interaction with Kris, what he said, it's like a hint. What if Ivan just wants to make his ex jealous by being with him? Is this why he refuses to talk about his ex and plan a dinner?

When his phone rings rather loudly against his thinking, his brow creases as he sees the caller ID. It's his mood. For three reasons this isn't a call he wants to take right now.

One, because it's Kris, and he might give out more details.

Two, because it's past 1 am

Three, because it's not Ivan.

'What?'

'Why is your boyfriend texting my fiance asking if he snores?'

'What, how do I know?'

'You told him something?'

'No. But how will Preet know, they slept together too?' He tries his tone to suit a playful joke but he doesn't plan to joke around for too long. But right now, he would give anything to not sound cynical and sarcastic.

'Don't even joke about it. Ivan falls asleep all the time when he used to work late hours at our home.'

Jealousy doesn't have any rationality, because now, Riyaan is jealous of Preet, and Kris, both. They know Ivan better than he ever will — or ever have the chance to. But something made him laugh. Ivan is investigating why he doesn't want to sleep with him in the same bed.

I see you, Ivan. You're even more transparent than me.

'Right. Kris, I gotta take another call.' And without looking, he somehow knows who it is.

'Sorry if you were busy.'

'No. Tell me.'

'Remember, you wanted to visit the Himalayan areas? Let's go there. For a week or something. I have some work there.'

Ivan remembered? Just like that, Riyaan's sour mood starts to disappear. 'You remembered?'

'Mm-hmm'

'But if it's work, I cannot come?'

'It's okay. Nobody cares, but I warn you there will be many others too if we are making this a trip — including Preet and Kris. Alright?' Ivan asks.

'Alright. Who else will be coming?'

'Yash, and Kanan. I don't know if they would bring someone because it's not strictly business. Have you ever been trekking?'

'No. Not really.'

'Well, would you like that?'

'That depends.'

'On?'

'If I fall, will you catch me?'

'You are trying to scare me? I won't let you fall.'

'Bad answer.'

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Sorry for missing this update on Tuesday.