Chapter Seventeen

The leg sprain didn't hang around for too long, thankfully for Riyaan, and thanks to Ivan. And he waits for dinner lying on the bed, massaging his leg lazily, and eating some expensive protein bars, which he would never have considered buying himself.

His cheeks occasionally warm up, funnily, just by thinking if Ivan actually meant it. Maybe he didn't mean it, that's fine. But was he flirting? When was the last time Ivan flirted with him, he thinks back. Was it before or after he got him to bed?

Again though, did Ivan mean it?

Did he or didn't he?

Did he or didn't he?

Did he or didn't he?

'Did you or didn't you?' he asks to noone, thoughtfully.

'What?'

'I am eating your protein bars, I feel expensive.'

'I see.' Ivan lies on the bed next to him. The beds aren't exactly convenient in size, but they can manage.

'Ivan?'

'Ah-ah, no. Now you will never find out. Rare chance, gone.'

'How did you even ..?'

'I know.'

Riyaan is about to argue, but an excited Neel knocks on their door for dinner and invites him to sit by the fire after dinner.

'Let's get acquainted, Riyaan,' he says with an infectious smile.

When Neel leaves, Riyaan sees Ivan has taken out a book to read.

'Are you serious?'

How can he almost kiss Riyaan, or address them kissing and then come back, not wanting to discuss it back? What's so important about the book ... is he reading Final Destination 3? What on earth!

'What?'

'Why are you reading a book? Final Destination, are you serious? Were you trying to see if it would happen with us when you lifted me?' Riyaan throws a pillow in anger, which Ivan skillfully ducks.

'There's at least an hour for dinner. And this is ...just a cheesy horror. No need to worry.' He says in a matter-of-factly way.

'Neel invited us now.'

'He invited you, also I am not interested anyway,' Ivan says, getting his eyes back to the book.

'Fine, I'll go.' Wasn't it supposed to be a trip to say sorry to him? He should be getting Ivan's attention. His full, undivided attention. But on second thought, he leaves to find Kris.

Even after dinner at the fire pit, Ivan doesn't come. He did eat dinner with them though. Neel takes out a bag of smoke, and his brother throws it on the fire before he can light it.

'We are trekking. You'd have taken better care if you actually listened to the guide.'

Neel shrugs and takes another packet out again. This time though, it's his friend who throws it in the fire.

'Sorry to the rest, I don't have any more packet for you all to throw.'

'So, Riyaan, let me guess, at least one of your parents is from this side of the country?' Aahan asks.

'Ah, no.'

'Are you sure? I concluded that from your looks.'

No one has ever deduced such a conclusion from his looks. Neither has he, and there was no need to ever. He believes that. He never thought about his looks and could tell someone so much which even he didn't know. Some things though — it's better to not know at all.

'Actually, I never knew any of my parents. I was an orphan.'

'Oh.' Few such sounds filled up the air in quick succession. The other two guys, who have been mostly on their phones, shot a quick look towards him as well. What a way to get attention!

'My apologies. I shouldn't have.'

'No. It's okay. We don't know their existence, which means you have not offended anyone.'

'Right.'

'So, you have never known about who they might be?'

'No.'

Riyaan sees a figure coming out of the entrance. Ivan. Phone on his ears, making his way a few steps away from them towards the garden.

'Never wanted to know at all?'

'No. I don't think so. I mean I have wondered what a family would have been like, to spend time with or what things we would have done after school, fantastical ideas like these. But I never really had that sort of feeling, where I wonder who particularly they might have been, where they are, where I might find them or things like that.'

'Then you must have had good friends at the orphanage?'

'Some,' he says, trying to pick a glance at Ivan, who is still busy on the phone. Why did he ever invite him on this trip, why ever? Who is he talking with? What is so important?

Not having touched Ivan's naked skin for a while has its own effects. He doesn't know if he knows what physical intimacy means, but he feels this is where they connect.

'I just think it's better to never find them at all. Imagine the emotional investment,' Neel says.

Riyaan reels his mind to the conversation.

'I don't mind the emotional investment.'

'Really? That's refreshing.'

'So, Riyaan. Any girlfriend?' Neel asks, abandoning his chair, and dropping on the mat by Riyaan's side. At the same time, Ivan makes his way to them, finding Neel's place to sit down. He holds a few moments of eye contact with Riyaan.

Not even a smile.

'No.' Riyaan looks at Neel and smiles.

'... boyfriend?'

'No. Not really.' Riyaan decides Neel is an over-enthusiastic troublemaker, who has a great amount of confidence to be asking such questions in front of a group of people.

'What about you? Girlfriends or boyfriends?' Riyaan thinks he should keep the conversation going because he doesn't want to be the conversation killer.

'Had one. A boyfriend. Terrible taste in music.' Neel laughs, and Aahan joins.

'Oh god, remember the Manali trip? I keep saying to play the music that no one has a problem with but he plays.'

'Is that why he is an ex?' Riyaan jokes.

'Eh no. Don't think of me so lowly.' He nudges his arm playfully.

'There's nothing such as terrible taste in music. It's just not your kind of music,' someone adds from the group. Riyaan just knows it's not Ivan.

'I'll have you know.'

'What's your music taste like Riyaan?' Aahan asks, with a smile on his face. Neel low-key smacks him on his arm, making him laugh softly, voice low.

'What?' They do it playfully and sneakily but Riyaan sees it all.

'Recently Poets of the Fall is my favourite.' Recently? He has been listening to that artist ever since he learnt it's Ivan's favourite. Ivan is engrossed in the fire, but he looks up as he hears the name of the band. That and scowling, that's how you get his attention Riyaan makes a mental note.

'Hey, I know this band, good music, eh.'

'What about you?'

'I really like A.R. Rahman. And Radiohead. There are a lot.'

'.. good taste.'

'You listen to them?'

'Yes.'

'Great. We should hang out more. I mean other than on here.. Maybe you'd like to meet for coffee or something after we go back?'

This is when Aahan smacks his head, laughs and says, 'This is not what I meant when I said take initiative in dating. Riyaan must think you're creepy.'

'Hey, I said nothing about dating!'

'Everyone knows what you said.'

'It's okay. I don't think you're creepy.' Riyaan says with an awkward laugh. He doesn't think he's creepy, truly. Just very enthusiastic and confident. Maybe he should say this to Ivan next Hey, I said nothing about dating, but then he realises that it won't work on Ivan.

'So, we can hang out?'

'Ahmm..yeah, sure. If I have time, I'll have my exams soon.' Riyaan has no idea if he is actually being asked out on a date. But he doesn't know how to say no to such enthusiasm, and then there's also the thought that makes him smile like an idiot because it is flattering. When Riyaan meets Ivan's eyes after this, he is glaring at Riyaan with no expression on his face. I wonder what I did this time.

*               *               *

Riyaan starts packing a few things back right after getting to his room. Ivan gets in after a few minutes.

'Hi,' Ivan says, face tired.

'Hi.'

'Packing?'

'Yeah.' Ivan has his bags packed, so naturally, he would do it too. He doesn't want to be left behind.

'In a hurry to go back? After all, there's a date waiting.'

Ah, I see.

'What date?' Riyaan asks, curiosity oozing from his face.

'Neel just asked you on a date and you said "yes".'

'He asked me to hang out, not a date.'

'He was asking you out, that's how people ask you out on a date.'

'How would I know, nobody asked me on a date.' He carefully takes a look at Ivan staring at him.

'Is that why you said "yes"?' Ivan asks, face looking like he is almost about to smile. Oh, he is having fun, isn't he?

'Neel doesn't even know me for 24 hours.'

'That's why he is asking you for a date.'

Ivan's relentless pursuit of trying to make him accept — accept something as he agreed for the date — is bizarre and low-key funny to him. He has no idea why he is pushing it so much.

'Fine.'

'Fine? So, you were aware while saying "yes"?'

'No. I didn't think that much, I just said I'll hang out with guys when they invite me. And I thought he was asking me to hang out with them both.'

'For coffee?'

'I wasn't thinking so much..what is it to you anyway?'

'Nothing. Just asking if you want to go back sooner.'

Liar. I see you're agitated with jealousy.

'I don't.'

'By the way, I remember someone once taught me, rather angrily about decency.'

'Your ex?'

'Someone said — at least have the decency to pretend that you respect me for the days we are fucking each other,' Ivan does a pretend scowl, what it looks like mimicking Riyaan's back when he said those words.

'That's not how my face looked.'

'Exactly how it looked.'

'You know what I remember someone said to me? That they really don't care if I kiss someone, surely a date wouldn't be too bad.'

*                 *                  *

Fifth day of their trip. His calves are unforgiving. Riyaan finds himself enjoying the trip more than he planned to. They played football all day, Ivan and Preet joined for some time too. He doesn't want the day to end, but when Ivan takes out his laptop in the middle of their enjoyment, his face gets hot with anger and madness. What is important, what is so important about work that he cannot appreciate the time with him?

So, when they plan a sightseeing for today, he pleads with Ivan to join them. But Ivan doesn't.

At night though, he comes to sleep rather late and slips next to Riyaan on his bed.

'If you break the bed, you'll have to pay them.'

'Okay.'

'Tomorrow we are going back,' Riyaan says again, hearing nothing other than an 'okay' from him.

'How do you feel about it?'

Ivan must be very happy because he will finally get to get back to work, and not share his time with Riyaan. He has been detached from him for two days now. The thought makes him laugh. The highlight of their arrangement was that they wouldn't be attached, and his feeling of Ivan being detached is rather odd.

Truth is, truth is...he is angry. 'Really though, Ivan. Why did you even invite me on this trip if you don't have time for me?'

The words come out before he can do anything about it.

'Oh? Are we doing that now?'

'That, what?'

'Asserting rights on our time?' Ivan rubs his thumb softly over Riyaan's forehead.

To which, Riyaan closes his eyes. It embarrasses him in a way, for Ivan to be so smart that he draws a line without being rude to him.

'Sorry,' he says. This indeed was a step too ahead for them.

'Sorry,' Ivan says too, after a while. 'It's my father and the family business. Sometimes it gets super busy. I should be in Italy right now, according to him.'

'Okay.'

'Three,' Ivan says then.

'Three? Your Lucky number?'

'Three before you. Although I don't see an after. That's the answer to the question you asked a while ago,' Ivan says, taking away his hands from his body. If only Riyaan's body could scream in protest.

Riyaan's first instinct is to start thinking about the two people he knows, one by name and one by face to hate them. He asked Ivan so demandingly, yet he would never be ready to hear it. If they all have had Ivan at some point, and they don't have him now, why does he, a casual sex partner, have any chance?

His heart pains at the thought. Kris was right, he should have calculated the moves. But he fixes more on the part where he says before you, even though he says he doesn't see an after.

Before you.

He is not just a casual sex partner, he wouldn't believe it even if Ivan says he is.

'So, you see, I have developed some issues along the way.'

'Why are they exes now, if I may ask?'

'I am not very romantically adventurous, not as I am in other aspects of my life.' Ivan sighs.

'Like, you don't like to do adventure with your partner?'

Ivan laughs at that. 'No. That's not what I mean. Let's just say that ... some want an open relationship, some want more of just a ..partner, not a life partner —

'And some just want pleasure,' Riyaan says, pointing his finger at Ivan. His index finger hits right on his chest over the white tee that he is wearing.

Ivan gasps like a surprised kid. 'How did you know?'

Riyaan chuckles. 'But truly, what do you want?'

'What do you think I want?'

The person?

Just like him, he believes that's what he wants. He was looking for pleasure, but was he? Isn't looking for human connection suits Ivan more, despite what he says? Despite what he is scared of wanting? He fears Riyaan will run away when he learns about his issues and insecurities. He won't. But Ivan doesn't want anyone telling him that, does he? Because he is still attached to his ex, and despite his perspectives on romance and relationships, Ivan will still want to make it work.

'You want to marry me?' Riyaan finally says. That cannot be further from the truth, he knows it. But just to see Ivan's reaction.

'The most original proposal.'

And when he asks Ivan with a voice that is more like a whisper, 'Ivan, what kind of couple do you think we would be?', all he hears is sleepy silence.