Chapter Nineteen

Two nights of just assignments and occasional attempts at analysing someone's personal email keeps Riyaan up. Which means, he was again late for submitting his assignment. The next day, all he wants is to nap.

Napping is an activity that Riyaan has discovered to be productive for his distance studies. He finds himself napping every weekend — and waking up with fresh moods quite often. Sometimes though, he feels rather odd right after waking up.

Ivan finds this habit weird. Sleeping in the middle of the day means losing valuable time. And Ivan tells him that he has never napped in his whole life — he couldn't even if he tried.

But Riyaan finds it productive and rather looks forward to it because sometimes he ends up having beautiful dreams. Like today, he has dreamt of a serene flower garden in the evening, bicycling with Ivan. Ivan is telling him something, and it's making him laugh. He cannot seem to remember what they are talking about as he tries to focus on the chapter from his academic book.

Sometimes he has rather odd ones — like a week ago, before the trip he saw Ivan as his husband, and his being crippled in a chair, and Ivan kissing some other person, and later feeling sorry. The pain made him cry just as he woke up — only to realise that fortunately, Ivan and him weren't even dating. Which was, again, quite disappointing. After staying up so late, he can hardly focus on anything today.

The sound of the door opening makes him sit up straight and aware.

'Hi,' Riyaan says, surprised to find Ivan back from work in the middle of the day.

'There's not much work at the office, I can do it from home. What are you up to?' Ivan asks him as he removes his socks and throws them on the basket. He seems to have taken the rejection to 'let's fuck' — well, as a serious rejection. Last night, when Riyaan wanted to have a happy time, Ivan insisted that the movie was too good.

'Trying to study,' Riyaan says with a satisfied grin. He loves having Ivan around anytime and all the time. While Ivan might not reciprocate his enthusiasm, he knows Ivan more than tolerates him. Even though Ivan calls him an "annoying brat" sometimes. The last time he said it was when Riyaan was sitting facing the TV, but mostly focused on Ivan focusing on his work by the side. Ivan working and so engrossed in work is a meditation for Riyaan, and he feels content and at home. But Ivan can always tell if he's staring or focusing on him more than the TV.

'You wouldn't believe what I dreamt of just now while napping.'

'Dreaming while napping? That happens?' Ivan asks, undoing his tie.

'Yeah, it's just sleeping in the day,' Riyaan comes closer to him.

'Just when I thought this couldn't get any weirder,' Ivan teases. 'Anyway, what happened in the dream?'

'We were on a bicycle,' Riyaan says, lying down on the bed on his back, looking at Ivan getting his clothes off.

'I was there? Then what happened?'

'That's it. What else do you expect from an afternoon nap?'

'We are never going on a bicycling adventure though, don't let dreams take the wheel.'

Ivan takes out his laptop from his bag, slides on the bed, and starts typing. Every time he sees Ivan typing, he thinks it's to his ex-lover. Riyaan moves to make space sitting up straight, parallel to Ivan and leans on the headboard.

'You are scared of cycling?'

'You're getting ideas, I see. Maybe it's time we ended our arrangement,' Ivan says, eyes glued to the screen.

'What? Why?'

'You're obviously way too into it.'

'No, I won't do it again.'

'Do what?'

'Dream. I won't dream again about you and adventure trips.'

'And you will do that, how?' Ivan asks, eyes teasing.

'I won't take naps?' That's the only possible solution Riyaan discovered as he answers.

'What about at night?' Ivan looks at him, challenging him.

'I will be in a deep sleep from exhaustion. And you know, a heavy sleeper doesn't dream.' Riyaan finds another smart solution.

'From exhaustion?'

'Sex,' he says as his hand moves, and it has a mind of its own because now it goes straight to Ivan's skin on his stomach under his t-shirt. After making a few lazy random circles, he let his hand slide down below when Ivan clasps his hand tightly.

'Too much work.'

'It's okay, I will do all the work.' Riyaan tries to continue.

From the laugh Ivan lets out, Riyaan can tell he has no work and his stressful face is a farce.

'I meant I have too much work to do.'

Riyaan realises that Ivan is giving him a taste of his own medicine for ignoring him the other day.

'Okay,' Riyaan says with a disappointed sigh. 'I will continue with my studies then.'

***

The light in the bedroom is dimly lit, and Riyaan almost thinks Ivan is asleep. But he is leaning against the headboard, laptop in his lap. He is glued to his screen, albeit more unfocused, and tensed.

As Riyaan comes to bed after being done with his studies, Ivan is still glued to the screen albeit more unfocused, tense and almost as if not working. He doesn't look up when Riyaan enters.

'Are you okay?' Riyaan comes closer slowly.

'Yes, just a bit stressed from work.'

'What's happening with work?'

'Just a lot of stuff to review, some IT intern messed up.'

Maybe it wasn't a farce. He truly is stressed and working.

'Can I help?'

'I don't know. Can you help?' Ivan looks at him.

'Want me to de-stress you?' Riyaan sits towards the end of his sprawled legs on the bed.

'What's that?' Ivan asks, placing the laptop on the bedside table, folding his hands behind his head in a relaxing mode. It turns Riyaan on because Ivan is giving him undivided attention. Riyaan takes that as an invitation to replace the laptop with his own body.

'Usually, it's making out...,' Riyaan says, brushing Ivan's lips softly with his thumb, 'But you are not into that.'

Saying that Riyaan just wants to tease Ivan, but all he feels is a deep pain. Pain of how Ivan fits so perfectly in the picture of his life, yet Ivan wouldn't even kiss him, let alone love him back a little. Not even a tiny bit.

All those times when he has said that it doesn't matter if Ivan returned his feelings, he didn't think it would come to this. That makes it worse because he did it to himself. At times, it feels like they are going somewhere, and at times, it feels like he shouldn't push too much. At times, it feels like he has all the right to Ivan, and at other times, he doesn't even know if Ivan would like it if he calls when he is working.

'Ivan, what if I kissed you?' He scoots closer to him, bringing Ivan's hands all the way back to place them on his hips. He brings them yet closer by putting his own hands on Ivan's nape. He is pretty sure their faces haven't been this close ever. Touching and caressing cheeks to cheeks, nose to nose, hair to neck, all slow and smooth. Ivan's stubble pricks his face sharp enough to hurt, but that just turns him on more.

He uses his lips this time, wet lips to randomly brush Ivan's cheeks and neck, cautiously slowing down — to see if Ivan is going to stop him because he knows Ivan feels the wetness around his cheeks. When it doesn't happen, he starts kissing his neck, quick at first, looking up at Ivan. His eyes have all kinds of emotions, but Riyaan can tell Ivan is weak with emotions.

'Why would you do that?' Ivan asks, forcing his eyes to remain open. His voice soft and languid.

'Seducing you,' Riyaan says as he takes his prickly chin on his open mouth, kissing it and wetting it.

'That's seducing?' Ivan's soft rumbling laugh vibrates through Riyaan's chest. 'I already feel sorry for the man in your life.'

'Yeah.' Riyaan smiles, every time he finds Ivan laughing, or even smiling at something he says, it adds another year to his life. It's music to his ears. It's the story of achievement. It makes him happy to the core of his soul.

'Didn't we talk about the no-kiss rule?' Ivan says with the same relaxed tone. And this is what Riyaan has in his mind. Is Ivan scared he will disrespect his rules?

'No, you talked about it. You said you won't kiss, and you didn't. I won't kiss your mouth, don't worry.' Riyaan leans down to hug him, laying his head on Ivan's shoulder. He won't kiss Ivan. If Ivan wants to kiss, he has to break his own rule.

'So, you have seduced me and now you want to ... hug?' His warm breath tickles Riyaan's ear.

'You don't want to hug, too personal?'

'I want other things now, that's not how seduction works. You have so much to learn.' Ivan pulls Riyaan closer to him in a swift movement.

'I am here, you can take what you want,' Riyaan says, bracing himself for support.

Riyaan means it. Everything he has in this life, everything that he is in this life, it's all for Ivan for taking. That's what gives him a purpose. Some would say that he is settling for less. Some would say he is selling himself short. Some would ask him to look for more. But they wouldn't understand, this is it. This is where he meets Ivan.

Ivan carefully lays him on his back. Slow and sensual — that's how Ivan fucks him after his failed seduction. Or maybe it wasn't failed if he had such a good time. He almost sleeps without dinner.

'I am going to Paris next week,' Ivan says as he comes out of the bathroom, hair wet and smelling like a coconut.

'Work?' Riyaan looks up at him from bed.

'Yeah.' Ivan pulls the lid of his laptop on the bed. 'Jai's going to be there as well.'

His heart sinks. The least Ivan can do is wait until... until his mood is normal. Not when he is still yearning for Ivan next to him.

'This guy ...,' he mutters.

'Sorry?'

'He has work too?'

'No. I am not sure.'

'How many days will you stay?'

'Just about five days,' Ivan pulls the bedsheet from his body, revealing his naked skin.

'Do you want me to look for a place?' Riyaan holds the bedsheet tightly.

'What? No. Stay here.'

Just about 5 days?

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