Chapter Twenty-Four

Riyaan wishes he could wake up everyday to Ivan working in the garden for the rest of his life. But more than that he wishes he finds Ivan in bed most days. It's not too much to ask for, and then again, maybe it is. Even if they started dating, who is to say that Ivan would want him for the rest of his life? Or that he would need someone to grow old together.

But it's not just Ivan — Riyaan is falling in love with the house and the trees and the whole surrounding too. And, the kiss last night. Or kisses. The first one — it overwhelmed him, but he is processing it now in his thoughts.

Ivan seems to be doing just fine…which is….fine. No regrets in his face. And that's all Riyaan should ask for. But couldn't Ivan have been a little shy, lost in thought, smiling and dreamy too, just like him?

‘Look who's up,’ Ivan says, finally noticing him.

And Riyaan closes the distance between them to hug Ivan, and drop in face in the crook of his neck.

‘I am not really clean right now.’

But Riyaan doesn't mind holding him. This should be his future, their future, how can Ivan not see these things.

‘It’s fine. I'm in love with your house.’

‘That’s quite a compliment, thanks.’

‘I will live here forever.’

‘You want to drive me out of my house?’

‘You can stay if you want,’ Riyaan says. But Ivan doesn't stay here, there's no reason for him to stay.

‘Thanks for giving me the option, now, I need to take a bath.’

*        *        *

‘I made you breakfast,’ Riyaan says, as soon as Ivan comes out of the bathroom.

‘Thanks. What did you make?’

‘Noodles and egg.’

‘For breakfast?’

‘Yes. Is it not okay?’

‘I mean I can eat it, no problem, I guess.’

‘Or we can go out for breakfast, I know a good place.’ And damn, he ends up asking Ivan out. But Ivan stops. His demeanour changes.

Riyaan wishes he could take it back, enjoy what he has now. ‘Or we can order in,’ Riyaan adds, for damage control.

‘Or we can just eat what you made.’

Yeah, they can do that — they can do anything that's not going out together, not talk about last night or more importantly for Ivan — considering his demeanour — not let last night happen again. Now, he understands the look on his face. No regret is not equal to it's good news for Riyaan. It's probably just that it doesn't matter much.

With a mouthful of noodles and eggs, he thinks if he should start up a conversation, and the next minute, he wonders why hasn’t Ivan. He could be sleep deprived, they slept quite late after all.

‘You want to watch a movie with me? If you got nothing to do for today.’

‘Yeah sure. But I have to go shopping today.’

‘You want me to come?’

‘If you want, you can come along.’

Not something he was expecting — even a ‘sure’ would have been fine. Now Riyaan is in a dilemma; should he or should he not go with him?

‘I am sorry. I forgot I have clothes to wash.’

Ivan shrugs. ‘Okay, anything you want from shopping?’

‘None.’

So they kissed. So what? It changes nothing — if Ivan hadn't put that stupid rule in the beginning, they kiss random people while having sex, all the time, it's not that big of a deal. It changes nothing.

And when Ivan leaves, he brings out his rather clean clothes and puts them in the machine. I did it to myself.

*         *        *

‘Why are we not talking?’ Riyaan asks, as the movie has been playing for long enough, and Ivan still hasn't said anything.

Ivan turns the volume down a bit before looking at him. ‘You want to talk, I thought you wanted to watch a movie?’

Is he being deliberately playing clueless, Riyaan wonders.

It's a funny thing. Ivan explicitly told him that they cannot be more, yet, he wants to keep looking for hope, for a change of heart. He has been patient, albeit unsuccessfully. But after yesterday, he cannot anymore. Not after how Ivan kissed him, like nothing else matters.

‘Are you upset about yesterday?’

‘Upset?’

‘Or regret? Do you regret kissing me yesterday?’ Mentioning about kissing makes Riyaan face go warm, something he wasn't expecting. He surprises himself.

Ivan considers him for a moment. ‘No, why would you think that?’

‘Why do you think, Ivan? You were out of bed when I woke up.’

‘I was in the garden. Are you angry about that?’

Is he angry about that? Or is he upset that Ivan hasn't kissed him yet again? Or maybe it's something else — that he went to meet his ex, expecting Riyaan to spend Diwali without him. Or maybe it's what happened before Paris — Ivan receiving mail that his ex wants to make their relationship work. Receiving that mail wasn't Ivan's fault obviously, but he has read that. What has he decided about that anyway, Riyaan has no idea. If only he could ask, and if only Ivan shared such things.

‘No? What are you angry about then?’ Ivan asks, lightly pinching his cheeks. But those cute antics aren't going to work with him this time.

‘Can I ask something?’

‘Yes …’

‘Why do you love him still?’

‘Who?’

‘Your ex,’ Riyaan says, running out of patience.

‘I don't know, why do people love each other?’

‘What does he have that I don’t..’ Except for a lot of money, and few hobbies matching with Ivan, but he can build new hobbies. That’s not a reason to love someone.

‘You will have many experiences and chances at love and relationships,’ Ivan pinches his cheek softly. But Riyaan is not in the mood for jokes, so he swats Ivan's hand off.

‘I want you.. don't you want me even a little? If you're not gonna be it, I don't want anything. Is it my age?’

‘No, it's not you, or your age or..’

‘Then why?’

‘It's not always about idealistic love and romance. But compatibility too.’ Ivan tries to hold his hand.

‘You never tried once to see me and understand me, Ivan. You would know then.’

‘You’ll beg for love now?’

That hurt. Even though Ivan probably didn't mean it, he can be really harsh sometimes, Riyaan gives him that.

‘It’s wrong for me to beg for love but it's okay for your ex to cheat on you?’ The poisonous words come out as vomit before he can stop it. He blames the time he actually opened that email and then went far enough to read it whole. Or maybe it’s proving to himself that he can be harsh too.

‘What did you say?’ Ivan finally seems to focus on their conversation rather than just talking in autorun. He is not trying to hold Riyaan's hand or touch him anymore.

‘Your ex, he cheated on you, in a way,’ Riyaan says, dreading anything that comes next because he knows for sure, it’s ugly.

‘Did Gary tell you this?’ Ivan sits up now, fishing for something on the couch.

‘Who’s that?’

Riyaan is growing cautious now. Maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't have pushed it too far, and now it's too late.

‘Who did?’ Ivan looks at him, demanding answers. He finally finds his phone.

Riyaan wouldn't lie to him. He hates lying, especially to Ivan. Not about these things.

‘I read your email accidentally when I was using your laptop.’ He wanted to emphasise on the accidental part, a way to control the damage that has blown out of proportion. But he is grounded in reality; doubtful of how much impact he could make.

‘You read my mail?’

Oh no! Riyaan has never heard him so angry.

‘Yes,’ he whispers because he has no courage to say that to Ivan's face.  Now he blames his need for Ivan's affection and attention.

‘How many, which ones?’

‘Only the one where your ex said he wants a serious relationship with you now.’ He lets out bitterly. And then, ‘I didn't mean to.. I accidentally clicked the notification and it opened and then I saw –’

Ivan takes off from the room.

And doesn't come back for the next hour. Riyaan waits but at last he gives in to sleep.

He got the message. Ivan is angry, and pissed. But how angry? And how pissed?

And what does Ivan do when he is angry? How angry does breaching privacy make him, personally. Professionally, he should be super mad.

And how to say sorry in the morning? He has no experience in such things. How have they come from kissing like crazy last night to this.

_________________________

This was a hard chapter to write for me, mostly because this is a part where it is a buildup for things that are about to change. And because I haven't outlined this chapter earlier.

So sorry for the delay. I miss regular schedules too. Thanks for sticking around, lovely people <3