Chapter Twenty-Eight

It's been two times Kris has called him over the week, but Riyaan doesn't want to talk to him. If he actually speaks up about the reason, it might sound pathetic. But it's true; Kris was supposed to be a good friend, if not the best.

Kris: Call me back when you can.

He won't.

Then there's his work, which gets busier for no reason. Always rushing deadlines, although he knows their company is doing nothing that important. There's this fear in him, wondering what if this is what he will be doing for the rest of his life. He doesn't want to be stuck in a low-paying corporate job.

And then there's his romantic life crisis — which was romantic for a while. Ivan has called, almost everyday, one day about how he left a few of his belongings at his house, and whether he needs them. Belongings turned out to be a plastic Sprite bottle and the other is almost empty sticky notes that are worth some Rs 50. Another day, he was seeking permission to clean the room he stayed in, which was the weirdest call of all, because he lived in that room for a total of seven days maximum.

He hardly remembers Ivan calling him, or anyone ever before. He has his fair share of time with his phone and scrolling but Ivan is not much the texting and calling type.

He wonders what's going to be today as he sees Ivan's calls right after he comes out of the shower.

'What? I'm getting late to work,' Riyaan says, ruffling his wet hair. He wants to avoid Ivan but at the same time, he is glad that Ivan calls. Riyaan has it confirmed in his head, Ivan misses him.

But not like Riyaan does. From the first ever text to the last text message shared with Ivan ever, he has memorised it all by now. The feeling he gets every time his phone flashes or beeps, crushing his hope the next minute when it's not Ivan — it's getting familiar. But so does the feeling that he gets when he gets his hopes up and it's actually Ivan.

'I'm getting ready to go to work too, want me to drop you?'

'No. Thanks, I'll be fine.'

'You're on my way...'

'No.'

Riyaan doesn't disconnect the call, he never does.

'You know, your friend is smarter than you.'

'What friend?' So has finally someone told Ivan to leave him, and that someone is someone he knows? Riyaan voice definitely sounds suspicious to himself.

'Shady friend, Nitin. You aren't as smart as you're supposed to be. You could save so much on commuting and rent, if not for your attitude. Your friend would have found ways to save.'

'Maybe you should invite him to live in your house,' Riyaan says, trying not to sound so bitter, broken and jealous. He doesn't care. He is not going to get jealous over this.

'Someone seems jealous,' Ivan hums. It's making Riyaan furious; he is dying here almost but Ivan is unbothered by everything that happened.

'I am not jealous.' He scoffs. What does Ivan care about anyway?

'Prove it then. Send me his number, I'll invite him for lunch. Ask for his sexual orientation and stuff.'

If Ivan wants to play, he is going to play. But a tiny part of him still hates how he burns with jealousy even though this is a scenario that's far from happening. 'His sexual orientation is any person with money. Also careful, he doesn't like competition. He will probably break your ex's bones if he doesn't remain ex.'

'Oooh, passionate. I like a passionate and jealous man who fights for me.'

Yet Riyaan doesn't get a chance.

'Fine. I'll send you his number. I have to go now.'

'Let me drop you,' an earnest voice comes through.

'No. I'm getting late.'

'I can drive fast, you know?'

'No. Bye.'

After hearing a bye and the beep, he hates himself. He knows in his heart how much he wants to see Ivan, and for Ivan to see him. For real.

*                   *                  *

Standing at the gate after work, he takes a careful look in all the direction; to check if Ivan is there again. For the fourth day in a row, he doesn't find him. He lets out a relieved sigh. Relief that he doesn't have to see himself forgetting what he aimed for — avoiding Ivan. Or relief that he meets Ivan yet he cannot touch him anymore.

And a little disappointed because...because Ivan apparently doesn't miss him as much. Or doesn't at all.

Relieved because he doesn't want Ivan to come up with more hurtful news — like finally saying, he and his ex are getting back together officially. Or that they sleep in the same bed.

Disappointed because despite everything, he wished to feel that something in his heart the moment he saw Ivan's handsome face and figure — waiting to talk to him, to drop him.

Relieved because if Ivan keeps on openly laying baits for his jealousy, he may actually give up and Ivan will read it. He wonders if Nitin is actually going to get a call.

Smart, huh! He can be smart too, like, now, he is walking instead of taking transportation. On a second note, the November air is rather cold for the loose cotton sweatshirt he has on.

'Is this your idea of daily workout?' A familiar, very familiar voice says from his right.

That's Ivan, and that's a stupid smile about to play in his face unless he forces it down...and that's a light pole that he's going to hit in three...two...one.

'Ouch,' Ivan says, right before he gets out of the car. 'Are you okay?'

His head is burning with pain, so much for distraction. Before he puts his hand on his forehead, Ivan rubs his thumb over it. 'I'm sorry,' Riyaan says, melting thoroughly and with guilt to his touch.

'Silly, why are you saying sorry to me?'

'I got distracted. What are you doing here?'

'Am I that tempting?' It's a tease but his voice is soft, and faint.

'What are you doing here?' He repeats.

'Going home, same as you.'

'Choose a different time and a different way,' he says, wanting desperately to be rude to Ivan.

'Why?'

Riyaan tries to walk away.

'Wait, get in the car. I have something to tell you.'

He stops. Whether bad news or good news, he can hardly control his curiosity when people say they have something to tell him.

'What something,' he turns his attention, not trying to hide his curiosity.

'Get in, please. I'm parked in a bad space.'

So Riyaan does. It is only within the confined spaces, he smells Ivan's perfume. It's not the one he wears a lot but he knows which one is this. Fresh, spicy and sexy, and he hates it now.

'Tell me,' Riyaan distracts himself with people on the streets.

'First tell me, how's work?'

'It's alright.'

He gives it a thought, should he ask him about his work too? Then that would be normal conversation, and Riyaan would love that, but only under proper circumstances — which is not that this time.

'Do you think your work can give you a few days off again this year?'

'Why, are you and your ex having a big fat Indian wedding or something?' he laughs at his joke, and then, silences himself awkwardly. Because if somehow even a half of that turns out to be true, he won't be laughing anymore.

'Very funny,' Ivan makes a face, something he doesn't do often. He looks cute when he does it, something that Riyaan doesn't see often. 'Want to go on a trip again? The guys are planning something because Jai is back.'

No. The answer is no. No matter how exciting it sounds — to be around and with Ivan, spending day and night, hiking, talking, doing everything. He believes the last trip was what brought them a little closer, regardless of whether it was intentional on Ivan's part.

But he assumes, now it will be different.

'No.' He squints his eyes intentionally, just so Ivan can't read his expression.

'White sand, blue waves...snorkelling? No?'

He hates Ivan. He hates him. He would love to go on a trip, a vacation where didn't have to think about his work and that he belonged nowhere. He would love to go on a trip to a beautiful place like that with someone he loves — someone who loves him back. Ivan gets him, but at the same time, he doesn't.

Why is Ivan bothering him about all this anyway? He has his friends and a past experience future boyfriend. He doesn't need company. Is it charity? Does he feel bad for Riyaan — because he doesn't have a family and money, or is it because he feels guilty about their arrangement?

'No,' he says.

'Alright,' Ivan looks at him. 'But may I ask, is it because of work?'

'My exam starts later this month, I hope you'll have fun though.' It isn't exactly a lie. He does have to study for exams, complete his assignments, and handle work in between. But the way Ivan's face drops, it hurts his heart. Did he really want Riyaan to go on that trip that badly?

'Alright, no problem.'

Riyaan hates himself now, and wants to make it better for Ivan. But he cannot.

'Will stop here, I guess, like earlier?' Ivan stops the car in front of the street. The last time he drove him, that's where Riyaan insisted he drop him off. Ivan argued, and wanted to drive him to his place but Riyaan didn't want that.

***

It's the third week he has been sharing a place with someone, someone he doesn't often and for that, he is thankful. It's tiring to look for places continuously, so Riyaan doesn't want to entertain any idea in his head that he is a little uncomfortable. He would have loved a single space.

After cooking his dinner, he calls his prospective project mates, with whom he would be delivering his projects for his semester. From his experience, he can tell that it's not the project that is hard, but working with others is what is hard.

And then he writes a sample email to request work from home from his work because of his exams. He contemplates but sends it anyway. But he has no hope that his request gets accepted.

And that's when his phone rings.

Kris calls again. This time, he takes the call.

'Dude, you just disappeared on me, where are you, like, what are you doing?'

'I'm fine, thank you. I have rented a place.'

'So, you actually left?'

'Yeah.'

'And?'

'And? And, nothing.'

'What did Ivan say, was he okay with it?'

'I think so.'

'I wanted to say something though, look, it was wrong of me to say what Ivan told Preet. It's just that it was not something that should have come from me. I just...feel bad now.'

Oh, now he feels sorry? It was probably for the best. Kris could have definitely prevented him from having a heartbreak, but he would still have other heartbreaks and he would still be clueless, mostly. Probably.

'Why, you gave me an insight. I did what Ivan wanted to do but couldn't.'

'Because what if Ivan was not sure?'

'That's the point I guess. But anyway, you guys seem to be sure that Ivan should be with his ex, so he will be too.'

'What do you mean "you guys"?

'You were the one teasing him about Jai. And you guys are planning trips for Jai because he came back.'

'Wait, who told you this?'

'Ivan did, he was inviting me'

'Wait, that's funny. The guys kind of planned this trip to help Ivan get back together with his ex with a fresh start. Ivan low-key knows this, and he invites you to the trip? That's hilarious. I don't know why he would do that — he either loves drama or he is probably trying to get back together with you.'

Or, maybe he is trying to break it off with him nicely, politely, leaving no room for resentment. A nice holiday would put people in a good mood.

'I don't think so, Kris.'

'Okay', Kris matches his voice to Riyaan's now. 'I have something else to tell you. Preet and I are throwing an engagement party, I know it's a little late but he was busy. And you have to come. I will send you an e-invite.'

'That's great. Congratulations. I'll try, but I also have my exams.'

'It's a Sunday.'

Oh, guess I cannot make excuses now!

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