Chapter Twenty-Nine

Life goes on, they say.

But does it?

As the year enters its last month, the chilly weather makes it harder for Riyaan to keep a physically productive time. He hates waking up in the morning because nothing has happened since the day before after he slept. He is bored and annoyed all the time.

The work from home also means not meeting many people, not that he enjoyed the people at his work to want to go back, but it would probably have made things a little easier.

One evening, he even calls Nitin. Just to check up on him, but truly, really, all he wants is to know if Ivan truly called him.

But then he realises Ivan wouldn't do that.

Earlier when he was at the orphanage, December was a time for dreaming about new things for the new year. Whether that means reading more books at the library, or just the thought of growing up, one year closer to getting freedom. Living the real life — and now he did. He did them all. He fell in love, and got his heart broken. What he didn't expect was to get his soul broken — no that wasn't the plan at all.

The only way he isn't falling to his despair is because Ivan sends messages to him almost everyday. To ask about his projects, life, and sometimes randomly tells about himself. Riyaan doesn't ask. He will not chase him. But he treats it as a faint hope — hope that someday, one day, anyday, it will be okay.

Torn between needing to be with Ivan and wanting to ignore him, he ends up with a routine. He only responds to Ivan's message at a time when he knows Ivan has gone to sleep. Or when he is busy at his work. Why? Because...

But the feeling today he has is more restless. A little hopeless. Because today is the day Ivan is supposed to go on that trip with his friends. And his ex, or is it still an ex?

This is how he ends up watching a horror movie for distraction. But he also keeps his phone on his lap. Ivan hasn't called him since yesterday, and he assumes he is busy, and ashamed that he waits so eagerly but never calls himself.

He almost falls asleep and when he opens his eyes he finds Ivan calling. By the time he takes his call, it has stopped ringing. But he dials back. Immediately.

'Hi,' Ivan's calm voice comes through. 'I was calling.'

'Yeah, I saw.'

'What, were you napping?'

He can imagine the way Ivan says that, a slight crease between the brows.

'No,' Riyaan says.

'What do you do being up so late at night?' For a moment, he doesn't understand what Ivan is talking about but he gathers, it's about his late night replies.

'I wasn't napping. I'm up for the project at night.'

'Why not during the day?'

'I work during the day.'

'Alright.'

Alright? Is that all he has to say? Why does he call him if he has nothing to say.

'Are you travelling today?'

'Yes. In a bit. You want to come? I can pick you up. However, you'll have to replace me on the flight.'

'Thanks for your sacrifice but no.'

'Will I see you at Preet's engagement next week?'

'I almost forgot about that...I don't think I can make it.'

'You...cannot be that busy.'

'Actually, I am. I was always rambling about the fact that this year will suck my soul out of my body.'

'You will still have a heart in your body, hopefully.'

Ah.

'Will you at least try?'

'Probably.'

'Won't Kris throw a tantrum, if you don't come?'

'I don't know. I haven't been keeping up much with him — exams and all.' Why should he care what Kris thinks? Kris doesn't seem to care much about him anyway.

'Ah, so it isn't just me that you're hiding from.'

'Don't worry you're not that special,' Riyaan says with the intention of hurting. For a moment, he feels horrible inside. Ivan is not just special but the way he misses him everyday, remembering himself of all the times they ever shared good times, he is ready to say, Ivan is beginning to become his everything.

'Ahem. Right. It wasn't you who wanted me to be his first kiss and last kiss. Of course.'

He closes his eyes, a small smile plays in his lips as he remembers the way he said that. He has been a dreaming fool, a fickle lover, hasn't he? But that's just what he put out for Ivan to see unintentionally, in his heart, he wanted it all.

Ivan remembers that.

Although, he doesn't seem to be hurting, because he is still that person — confident, sexy voice, and calm. Same before, same after. There's no effect, because for him nothing ever changed.

'Me? Never. I'm more of a "kiss anyone and everyone" kind of guy.' His voice becomes shaky, and if he can hear it, Ivan probably can too.

'I see... and how is that working out for you lately?'

What exactly is he asking — who has Riyaan been sleeping with after their arrangement? If he didn't know any better, Riyaan would call this desperate and jealous behaviour. Ivan, a man who used to talk so little, and has drawn a red line over the months to separate what's too personal and what's just pleasure, would never just casually just ask someone the status of their sexual or love relationship. But this is Ivan, jealousy over him, is not a trait he will ever be caught dead with. Riyaan knows better.

'You are still worried if my puppy love will create a nuisance in your happily ever after?'

'Is that a sarcasm?'

'Me? Sarcastic? Are you serious, never.'

'Okay.'

'Okay.'

'Call me when you are ready to have a normal conversation.'

'Sure.'

That's never going to happen though. Riyaan dies everyday, waits by the phone to see if Ivan would call, and text him. And Ivan does, but that only makes it worse, because he is trying to play it cool. As if everything is okay, and nothing is okay. He doesn't want to give  a sense that it is okay. So he will not call Ivan.

The next few days are terrible. He keeps waiting, hoping Ivan would at least send some pictures of his travels but nothing comes. But he sees Kris' and his boyfriends pictures quite a lot on their socials.

*           *          *

Ivan at 7:30 am: Don't forget about today. Let me know when I can pick you up.

Ivan at 9:15 AM: Good morning?

On Kris' and Preet's engagement, Riyaan wakes up to texts from Ivan. At seven-thirty Ivan hits the gym, Riyaan knows that. But his routine has changed from waking up after Ivan to now he wakes up at ten.

Riyaan types as a reply I am not going.. when Ivan's calls come through.

'Hi,' Riyaan says with a sleepy voice.

'Did you just wake up?'

'Yes. I am not going..with you to the party.'

'Why?'

Why? Because you haven't called me or texted me for almost a week.

He knows Ivan doesn't like phones during trips but this, this is different. He expects.

'Take your boyfriend to the party, I don't care. I will go by myself.'

'Jai will be visiting his parents for work.'

'I don't care what's happening in his life, stop telling me.'

'So when can I pick you up?'

'I will arrive by three.'

'That's not even a time, they requested us at five.'

'Kris asked me earlier.'

'Ah, right. I cannot make it that early, so I'll see you at six?'

'Sure.'

Disconnecting the call, Riyaan plans his day ahead. Watch lowly rated horror movies until 10 PM in the night, order in and revise chapters for the exam, and most importantly, switch off his phone once the clock hits six in the evening. Because he's not going and Ivan won't see him.

At four-thirty, Riyaan realised that Kris would be really upset with him, if he didn't show up for a bit.

So he reaches the venue at five and he finds Cyan, and Nancy were already there talking with Kris getting ready. When Nancy sees him, she excuses herself. Riyaan doesn't know how to feel around her now.

'Finally, did you like, forget it or something?'

'No, sorry. I'm here now.'

When Nancy is out of the picture, Kris tells him, 'Nancy is pretty convinced that you and Ivan are a thing.'

'Well, she would be wrong.'

'Really? I would have said the same considering he didn't come on the trip.'

'Umm, oh. He didn't go on the trip?'

'I thought it was because you didn't go.'

Riyaan cannot help but imagine that to be the truth. So he was here this whole week. No calls, no messages.

Ivan is probably tired of it. This whole "I won't chase you" thing has definitely backfired. Riyaan is so stupid. Why has he ever thought that would work? How could it have ever worked when he is the only one who has to lose.

Outside by the food stall, there are less people, therefore less chaotic. He hangs around for a while, before taking up a plate in his hands for food.

Someone stands by the opposite side of the stall, blocking the sun's warmth over his body. 'We gotta stop meeting like this,' says the person.

When he looks up, he finds a rather tall person. After some thought, he finally gathers where he knows him from. From Diwali, the exact same area they are in now. But today, the man is dressed quite nicely and has no cigarette in his hand.

'Hi,' Riyaan says awkwardly.

'We didn't get to introduce ourselves last time. Hi, myself Gary.'

Ah, so that's who Ivan was talking about. Somehow, this guy knows about Ivan and his ex also. Interesting. Maybe he should befriend him, and get out the secrets. Or maybe he should leave, so that he doesn't offend Ivan.

'I am Riyaan.'

'And you are Kris' friend. Also, you have a sweet name.'

'Thank you.'

'By the way, how do you know Ivan, if I may ask,' the man says the exact same words that he was meaning to ask.

'Er...we know each other.'

'Yeah, I know that. Are you guys dating?'

'Ah, no. No. We weren't on that level.'

Riyaan never thought it would be so awkward talking about Ivan and him. For a moment, he hates that feeling of awkwardness to be associated with Ivan.

'Alright. Understood.'

'How do you know Ivan?'

'I know his ex, we were together for a while.'

'With Ivan?'

'No, his ex.'

Riyaan finally understands how the person understood so easily. It makes him realise how much he hates sharing the dynamic he has with Ivan officially. Or has. He doesn't want to anyone's fuck buddy, and if he had known about this particular thing about himself maybe he wouldn't have been with Ivan like that. Maybe he didn't get the concept before.

He suffers from his own bad mood for the rest of the time, until he decides to leave.

'Won't you wait for Ivan?' Kris asks.

'No, I have a lot of studies to finish.' As he looks to his left, Riyaan finds  Ivan walking towards them, and only five steps away, just as finishes his sentence.

'Uh-uh,' Kris mutters before leaving them.